I haven’t been posting because I’m still in mourning about the state of television. This stems from the Hollywood Foreign Press showering Girls with even more love than all of the brainless television watchers had already bestowed upon it.
I will say one more thing about this show (until the Emmys next year when my anger rears back up):
This Girls phenomenon is like the whole Brokeback Mountain debacle of 2005. Had that been a straight man and lady love story it would have been panned. It was boring, chemistry-less and awful. If the Girls cast weren’t hideous no one would be commenting on the “groundbreaking-ness” of their show. People would just say it sucks. Because the writing sucks. The direction sucks. The acting sucks. But because they are hideous creatures it’s all of a sudden meaningful and groundbreaking. LOOK WHAT WOMEN CAN DO! (Uh, note to Earth, we can do a HELL OF A LOT MORE THAN “GIRLS.”)
I missed last week’s episode, but it looks like Chelsea and Kailyn really went Fatal Attraction on their respective boyfriends. Nice work, girls.
This episode starts with Leah telling us how busy she’s been with school and her kids. I’m sure community college is SUPER taxing. Luckily her sister is going to watch the twins so Leah can go on another date with THE STRANGER SHE MET ON THE INTERNET LAST WEEK. On Lifetime these stories don’t turn out well. The internet stranger always murders the unsuspecting hillbilly.
Jeremy picks Leah up at her trailer on some sort of racing motorcycle. Of course he does. He proceeds to take her on a date to some steps. Is this what poor people do on dates?
They mumble some stuff to each other. He asks what she thinks about the date so far. Uh, this is a date? YOU TOOK HER TO SOME STEPS. Get this, he then asks her to go steady. What is this? Grease?
Jeremy kind of looks like a female to male transgender.
Jeremy asks her what happened with Corey, as though he hasn’t watched the other seasons of this show. She comes right out and says she cheated on Corey right before the wedding. But, you know, because he was pushing her away and stuff. Not because she’s a whore.
“I can tell you’re a good person or I wouldn’t be here right now,” Jeremy says to her. He’s obviously the dumbest person in West Virginia.
Chelsea hasn’t talked to Adam sine he broke up with her. Her friend Erica wants her to get some help for her depression. She’s really THAT depressed over Adam? Chelsea isn’t sure about therapy. WHAT IS THE DEAL WITH POOR PEOPLE BEING SO AGAINST THERAPY?
A child and his mother go to a grocery store sometime around Christmas. I AM ALREADY TERRIFIED. The mom leaves the kid out front with a Santa collecting money for the poor. This isn’t going to go well. Luckily (maybe?) the store is closed so the mom and kid leave. Then all the lights surrounding the establishment turn off and Santa starts packing up is gear in the dark. Out of nowhere a really creepy gentleman (Ian McShane) comes up and shoots him in the face.
It’s 1962 and the gunmen is now dressed in the Santa suit and in someone’s house playing with a train set. Trains are toys I cannot get behind. Only molesters like trains. Fact.
Anyway, Santa is greeted by a child who seems to think it’s really Santa so she’s not afraid of him. Even though he has a gruff smoker’s voice and no beard. Real wizard of a child. Also, Santa is covered in blood. Suzy (the child) is a total idiot.
Santa asks Suzy to take him to her parents. Being the total moron child that she is she agrees. Santa ties up the family. Is Suzy a witch? Why isn’t she scared of all of this? “I’m going to tell you what Santa is going to leave under your tree tonight. He’s gonna leave a little terror, a little rape,” Santa says. I HATE CHRISTMAS NOW. Then he lets them choose which one he’s going to kill first. But before they can decide, Santa gets pissed off and murders the dad. Excellent start to the scariest hour of my week.
So that crazy bastard, Carla, went home last week. I kind of jumped back and forth with how I felt about her. I wanted to punch her in the face, but I also liked watching her scream things throughout the day. She kind of fell out of favor with me when I found out her restaurant is called Meatball Spot. It’s like she lost a bet and had to name it that. Does it just sell meatballs? How can that stay in business? I have a lot of questions about the Meatball Spot. (Also, I hate meatballs.)
The remaining contestants spend the first few minutes of the show talking about Carla and how quiet things will be without her. Josh Valentine tells us what an up and down ride this has all been for him. Uh, you’ve been there for like 12 hours, Josh Valentine. I’m pretty sure my day has been more up and down than yours. I want to shave his creepy handlebar mustache through the television. WOMEN, THIS IS AN ANNOUNCEMENT FOR YOU. PLEASE STOP BANGING DUDES WHO GROW THESE IRONIC MUSTACHES. They’ll either start having to bang each other or they’ll catch on and shave their filthy faces.
Can we talk amongst ourselves here for a second about something? HOW IS KRISTEN KISH NOT A LESBIAN? She dresses like the Asian James Dean Kenickie from ‘Grease.’ She even has his haircut. SHE’S A LIAR ABOUT HER SEXUALITY. Hey Kristen, it’s no big deal. It’s 2012. You’re a chef. YOU ARE NOT A STRAIGHT BROAD.
I wonder when John Tesar will brag about being the most hated chef in Dallas. Hey John, become the most hated chef in New York AND THEN WE CAN TALK. Dallas doesn’t count.
It’s 3:45am and all these fools are awake. I’d hate to be a Top Chef. (But I’m an excellent chef AND baker so I could PROBABLY get on the show if I was willing to stay up until 3:45am chatting with strangers.)
Stefan is sure there is a birthday curse because on his original season everyone was kicked off on their birthday. Bad news for him then. It’s his birthday! (I hope he goes. He’s so annoying.)
They head to Pike Place Market to meet Padma, who is dressed like she’s in charge of firing the canons at a Civil War reenactment. Luckily she’s a super babe so she can dress like an idiot and it hardly matters.
The guest judge is local pimp and chef, Daisley Gordon. CJ is super gay for Daisley. He goes on and on about his restaurants. Get a room.
They have to divide themselves in teams of two. Of course the two that hate each other the most, ol’ Mustache McGee and The Most Hated Chef in Dallas, are on a team. Does The Most Hated Chef in Dallas know that someone glued glasses to his forehead? They don’t seem to be able to come off.
The Quickfire Challenge™ involves having to prepare breakfast on a stick for the marketplace workers who start work before dawn. DELICIOUS! Anything is better on a stick. Ever been to the fair and had a GIANT chicken finger on a stick? YOU CAN’T GO WRONG WITH THAT. Plus you don’t need utensils. You just gnaw on it and smile.
Let me start off by saying that I’ve never quite recovered from all that time the Sons spent in Ireland a few years ago. I’ve continued to watch, but the love I had for the show kind of dwindled. Katey Sagal kept me coming back.
Jax is a total babe. I’d watch him sleep too, Tara. Especially while Katey Sagal sings over the scene. I wish Clay would take that weapon and end his life. Is he the worst person on this show? Maybe. Thats saying a lot, considering they all love killing and stuff.
I love how much Gemma loves those creepy birds.
What a lovely montage of misery.
Jax is just meandering around town on his hog. He goes to meet Michael from LOST Damon Pope (Harrold Perrineau) at Pope’s place of business. It’s also a construction site so Jax can easily be murdered and thrown under wet cement here. They better not murder this babe and star of the show. He’s there to meet with Pope to go over the details about handing over Tig. Then Jax and Pope go head to toe about some nonsense I don’t really understand because my dishwasher is running and they are mumbling over construction sounds. (Can someone tell me what I missed?) My house has an open floor plan that makes watching television in the living room difficult after dinner, in case you were wondering.
I just got a text that I need to fastforward through minutes 18-22 of the show because of a horrific dog fight (Note: I could watch the murder of a bus full of real life school children, but put any television animal crime in front of me and I’m a mess for days.) so I’m really concerned about actually seeing some of this. I can hardly concentrate on the show. This is proving to be an excellent recap, what with my fears and the dishwasher noises.
Jax is going to hand over a brother (not in the literal sense or the black sense, but in the motorcycle club sense) for Pope to murder in exchange for Pope giving him some paperwork handing over Charming Heights. Pope’s righthand man agrees to put something together. One for Jax, one for Hale. They agree to meet at some sketchy storage garage (NOTE: THIS IS NEVER A GOOD IDEA. YOU WILL ALWAYS GET MURDERED) later that afternoon.
As Jax leaves, Pope and his righthand man talk about how everything is almost done, but Pope is definitely up to something. THIS BITCH IS BAD.
I hope these broads step up their game, spike Kim’s water with meth and really go nuts tonight. Last week was BORING.
Kim is still crying about Brandi’s “apology.” I’m kind of unclear as to why she’s crying. But then the shit hits the fan when Adrienne starts shouting that Kim is crying. Brandi goes nuts on Adrienne, tells her to “shut the fuck up” and then she and Kim wander out of the restaurant. Great, now these two idiots are best friends.
Back at the table everyone is shocked that Brandi told Adrienne to shut the fuck up. They’re also pissed that VANDERPUMP is defending Brandi. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, I HATE THAT VANDERPUMP is so gay for Brandi. It’s making me really rethink my allegiance to VANDERPUMP. Get it together, PUMP.
Kyle and VANDERPUMP start fighting over what is and isn’t inappropriate. COME ON, LADIES. IS THIS WHAT THE SHOW HAS COME TO? I miss Kim being drunk and high and confused and pregnant.
Brandi is really consoling Kim in the bathroom. I HOPE THIS PUSHES HER OFF THE SOBER EDGE. Taylor and Yolanda are also in the bathroom tending to this fool.
OK, this “shut the fuck up” fight is making me want to stop watching the show. Six minutes in and THEY ARE STILL TALKING ABOUT IT.
VANDERPUMP leaves the table to address Brandi for saying “shut the fuck up.” OH GOD, SHUT THE FUCK UP, ALL OF YOU.
Everyone comes back to the table and Brandi apologizes. They proceed to have a really awkward, conversationless dinner. Brandi gets a call from someone named Boo Boo. Turns out it’s her literary (that term used as loose as possible) agent. She loves to announce he’s gay as though she’s the only person on Earth to have met a homosexual male in the wild. The Crypt Keeper (Taylor) looks really pissed about Brandi’s book deal. Why? Does it take away from the book you wrote before you cut your husband’s noose down whence it hung?
The Crypt Keeper does some pretend meditating at the dinner table and Brandi calls her out on being a total asshole. Then everyone attacks Brandi again. I don’t even know who I hate the most right now. I wouldn’t be upset if the Crypt Keeper and Brandi got into a gun fight and both lost.
Everyone else in the restaurant is watching these two broads yell at each other about whose life sucks the most and warrants a better book. “Better” being a very subjective term here.
Leah is still sulking about her divorce, but she claims she and Corey are trying to get along. She’ll probably accidentally bang him in the near future. New husband be damned!
What is up with her skintone and hair color? Is West Virginia a nuclear waste zone? These colors are not found in nature:
She’s having lunch with Kayla, Our Lady of Strange Piercings:
I am CONVINCED that she went into the piercing establishment and asked them to just point the gun at her and see where a piercing would land. SHE LOOKS GREAT!
Do they not have hair brushes in West Virginia? Leah’s rat’s nest has certainly never met one.
Also, if I see her children suck on french fries one more time I might be sick. IT’S GROSS.
Oh great, Leah is planning on going to nursing school. LOOK OUT, HILLBILLIES, SHE’S GOING TO BE TAKING CARE OF YOU IN THE NEAR FUTURE. (On a positive note, at least she doesn’t want to be a teacher.)
Fancy that. Kayla seems to be as bored with this conversation as I am.
My beloved Jenelle is finally getting out of jail. “I know a bondswoman who has agreed to post my bail if I can find someone who can sign for the bond.” I don’t even know what any of that means because I’m not a felon, but it sounds very important and impressive that she knows a bondswoman. (I mean, she’s only been arrested 100 times.)
Jenelle’s friend, Tori, signs for the bond and then picks her up in a cab. She probably lost her license in some sort of hoodlum debacle.
They head to the bondslady’s business place to sign for the bond. I really don’t understand anything that’s happening. It’s a lot of math. Something about a $10,000 bond and 10%. Jenelle has $1000 just to throw away? HOW DOES A BOND WORK? DOES SHE GET THAT BACK?
Angie, the bondslady, has a facial piercing that leads me to believe she’s friends with Kayla. (Or the blind body piercer at the local piercing place.)
Oh, Jenelle only has $200 so she has to set up payments of $200 a month. I’M STILL CONFUSED AS TO HOW THIS ALL WORKS. You know she’s going to stop paying this broad.
Why are Tori’s bangs blond?
If Jenelle doesn’t show up to court then Tori is in trouble and owes this broad ten grand. Uh, good luck with all of this, Tori. I’m sure it’s going to end well for you!
I like when Jenelle refers to her mother as “dude.”
I finally caught up on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills tonight and I’m SO BUMMED that I didn’t recap last weeks episode where Kim made chicken salad with her hands and then they all went to my worst nightmare party at David and Yolanda Foster’s house. Please let it be known that I refuse to go to a party where people get out any sort of musical instrument and start singing. WHY DO PEOPLE THINK THAT’S OKAY?
Adrienne and VANDERPUMP have agreed to meet for a drink and make up. It’s awkward from the get go. Adrienne just keeps telling her how beautiful she looks. Uh, duh.
Adrienne wants to move on and not focus on stupid things. They kind of apologize and decide to be friends, but it’s REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE. VANDERPUMP doesn’t actually apologize AND she feels like their relationship is forever ruined.
Yolanda is doing her own laundry like a commoner. For some reason she invited Kim over. She claims they had a connection when they first met. How would you know if you had a connection with Kim or not? She’s so sedated and mumble-y all the time. I never know if she’s even alive, much less lucid enough to connect with someone.
They’re planning a trip to Ojai in an attempt to mend fences between everyone. Everyone knows that housewife trips don’t mend fences. Housewife trips tear down fences and then set the remaining wood on fire. SO I CAN’T WAIT FOR OJAI.
Kim has a real connection with Ojai. (It’s probably all the peyote she used there.)
Yolanda doesn’t remember the last time she was away with just a group of broads. BE NERVOUS, YOLANDA. IT NEVER TURNS OUT WELL.
I LOATHE Brandi. Her super gay literary agent (SHE HAS A BOOK?), Michael, comes over and they giggle about how they were both sober for 36 hours when they went to New York for meetings. Wow, that should be commended. (No, it shouldn’t.) Turns out Brandi wrote a book about her marriage. “I wrote about everything that happened in our therapy sessions,” she says. Note to EVERYONE ON EARTH: DON’T MARRY BRANDI WITH AN I. She claims she wrote it to help people. Yeah, I’m sure that’s it.
Last week I may have tweeted to Leah’s mother that she (Leah) should be sterilized. All hell broke loose and she called me a bully. (Is it bullying when you are writing the facts?) I stand by my statement so if there are any doctors with questionable ethics please let me know. We need to set something up. She should not be allowed to procreate anymore.
Tonight’s episode starts with Chelsea. She’s BACK on the GED train. She’s taking a practice test next week. In the amount of time this broad has spent TALKING about taking the GED she could have gone back and completed all four years of high school. She’s got bigger concerns though like planning her kid’s birthday party and going to Adam’s motocross race. (Question: why do all poor people participate in motocross? [Also, spellcheck just informed me that it’s not motoRcross. I’m not poor so how could I have known that?])
Chelsea’s hair looks like rats have been living and mating in it.
Randy (Chelsea’s dad) has come over to watch Aubrey while Chelsea pretends to do stuff that doesn’t involve Adam’s race, but she’s totally a liar so that’s where she’s really going. She’s so stupid that she doesn’t realize ALL of Adam’s stuff is at her house in plain view of anyone with even one eye so Randy figures out that Adam is living with her. Chelsea’s a real wizard. (This can be said for ALL of the broads on this show.)
Randy calls Chelsea to confront her about all the tires (Adam has A LOT of tires) and junk in her garage. She denies that he’s living there. SHE COLLECTS TIRES, RANDY.
Check out this babe friend of Chelsea’s:
I don’t know if it’s possible for someone to be uglier.
Motocross looks terrible. It’s just a bunch of hillbillies in a field, looking for head injuries.
Oh hey, it’s Leah. Her trailer looks like it could easily be hiding dead bodies under all that trash she’s collecting. She gets some mail from the lawyer, but, of course, she doesn’t understand any of it because she’s so dumb it’s actually painful to watch. (And yet she’s allowed to just keep breeding little future braintrusts.)
So this is apparently a real thing. Really old (really saggy) broads dating not so old dudes.
This is the first thing I saw when I pressed play so I’m really looking forward to this show:
GROSS. GROSS. Help. So that old cougar is dating a guy that must be 22. She also just ruined popsicles for me.
First up, we meet Jude. She’s 53 and dating someone who kind of looks Asian and kind of looks like a cat. Meet 21-year-old Kevin. Jude has had a really hard time finding someone she can trust. So the obvious person to date is someone who was just granted the right to drink. 21-year-old guys are definitely the most trustworthy of all guys.
Kevin is super gay so this is going to end well.
Hattie is an early front runner to become my favorite andthe one who creeps me out the most. She’s 76 and she dresses like she just washed ashore in Florida: a lot of seashells and netting.
She claims she doesn’t pursue younger men, but they pursue her. I’m sure that’s exactly how it goes, Hattie. They’re after your AARP movie discounts.
They’re really taunting us with Hattie. She gets a blurb here and there, but we have to meet all these other broads first.
Stephanie is next. She’s 65 and dating 28-year-old Octavio. I’m glad to know how much she loves having sex. Gross.
“Kevin and Jude met at a junior high school dance…he was a student, she was a chaperone.”
I saw a promo for this when I was checking in on my favorite midgets (I don’t know any other midgets) from Little People, Big World. (Note: I watched this show the first year it was on and was just flipping through last night and wanted to see how old they were now.)
Let’s see what these hillbillies are up to tonight.
Did Leah get new stairs to her trailer? How’d she afford those? Also, that trailer is the scariest thing since her last trailer. You know, the one with the BASEMENT. (Seriously, how did it have a basement? DID THEY DIG A HOLE AND PUT THE TRAILER ON TOP AND THEN SMASH A HOLE IN THE FLOOR AND PUT A LADDER UP? This is the only logical answer to what probably is one of the world’s greatest mysteries.)
Leah says Corey is being a real bitch for not wanting to try to work things out and save their marriage. Uh, you banged some dude the day before your wedding and then again later. He’s not really being a bitch, bitch.
Leah’s twins won’t stop biting her. They’ll probably end up giving her Tetanus. God knows where any of these people’s mouths have been. (Certainly nowhere clean.)
Leah receives an email about a settlement meeting. She immediately calls Dawn, her mom, to ask her what a settlement meeting is. So…let’s get this straight. She was allowed to get married and have two children, but she doesn’t know what a settlement meeting is? Got it. (P.S. I’m about to blow my brains out.)
Her mom explains it to her. It still seems super confusing to Leah, though. I mean, do they have to agree on stuff? And then what happens? (WHY DIDN’T THAT BULLET KILL ME?)
How is this broad alive? Hopefully that Tetanus will kill her quickly.
Her flowery computer is stunning. I’m not sure if I like the computer or her white hair better. It’s a toss up, really.
Kailyn is sulking over Jo (Jo = not a woman) hanging out with Hoodrat rather than getting back together with her. Don’t worry, Kailyn, you’ll probably have another “fight” with him in the shower by the end of the episode.
Kailyn invites her friend Kim over to see the baby and talk about hoodrats.
She has an unusual amount of cords dangling all over her apartment. It looks like she’s reenacting the jungles of ‘Nam in her shantytown. Social services obviously does a bang up job.
Someone’s name is Junior? AM I ACTUALLY WATCHING DELIVERANCE? Ugh. These people!
Kailyn isn’t sure she wants to be with Jo, but she totally does. Stop lying to yourself, fool.
(Note: I hope to never live in a world where my house’s cooling source is based entirely upon floor fans.)
Kailyn hasn’t talked to her mom in almost 5 months. Her mom seems like a wise woman.
Later that day Isaac (Kailyn’s child) does some light house work and they call her mom and leave a message. I doubt she’ll call back. I most certainly wouldn’t.
Chelsea is having some trouble at work. Tan Year Round is such a tough job. She and her manager got into a fight so she’s thinking about quitting. It’s unfortunate that the fight didn’t involve knives. I wonder if Chelsea’s going to tell us that she passed ONE portion of her GED today. I mean, IT IS REALLY IMPRESSIVE.
Adam and Chelsea were taking things slow but that lasted 20 minutes and then they had sex and decided to be a family again. This is sure to work.
Chelsea’s 20th birthday is the following day so Adam brings her a ring and tells her it’s a promise to be with her. It’s really romantic. A baby is screaming in the back and he’s mumbling his words. This is the kind of thing little girls dream about!
Chelsea meets up with her friend Megan to tell her about her terrible work situation. Megan shouldn’t have left the house. Half her face is peeling off. WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?
Anyway, Chelsea has had to work 10 hour shifts. Like, oh my God, it was so demanding. All that spraying down of tanning booths. It’s, like, so taxing, you know? Life is tough.
“We’re getting paid minimum wage to clean sweat,” she says. So…what were you thinking this job would entail when you interviewed? This can’t at all be a shock.
Please note that I think this show is causing me to manifest evil. I’m pretty sure there is a ghost banging around in the other upstairs bedroom at my house AND the guy who took my Thanksgiving turkey order yesterday is definitely someone I’ve seen at Briarcliff. So this is all excellent news and I’m not at all scared to sleep.
The show opens with that crazy bitch nun, Sister Jude (Jessica Lange), driving. She’s probably just killed another kid or something.
WHERE IS SHE? Phones are ringing. I’m hiding under a blanket.
She’s meeting with a German. I can tell he’s German because of his German accent. Mother Claudia (who, at this point in the show, seems to be the only person I don’t have nightmares about. This probably means she is going to kill the hell out of people in a really violent way by season’s end.) sent her to this German to discuss the ol’ Anne Frank predicament she’s in. If you haven’t been watching the show then you don’t know that Anne Frank is alive and well-ish. She just “checked in” to Briarcliff last week where she ran into Dr. Arden. But the thing is, he’s not Dr. Arden to her. He’s a Nazi war criminal and twin-enthusiast from Auschwitz. Whatever the case may be, he’s definitely not James Cromwell: pig lover anymore. Especially after what he did to Chloe Sevigny last week.
This German tells Sister Jude to trust her instincts regarding that crazy son of a bitch, Dr. Arden. The German was also apparently in a concentration camp. He lost his entire family. Jude shows him Arden’s file then he tells her about all this weird Nazi science. He asks if Sister Jude has ever seen Arden without his shirt on because the SS had their blood type tattooed on their body. If one thing is for sure it’s that the Nazi’s loved tattooing.
This German is going to do some research to see if Anne Frank is telling the truth.
Back at Briarcliff, Anne Frank is holding Arden hostage with the gun she stole from the police. She shot him in the leg and then discovered the LIVING LEGLESS TORSO OF SHELLEY (Chleo Sevigny).
Anne Frank alerts Sister Mary to what Arden has in his office. You know, the aforementioned legless person. He’s clearly been doing a lot of sciencey stuff on her. Once a Nazi doctor, always a Nazi doctor. Am I right?
Sister Mary runs in while Anne Frank says she’ll wait a few minutes to kill him since she’s been waiting so long. But then the Briarcliff guard throws a real wrench in her chain (is that a saying? I’m not very handy.) and makes her drop the gun.
Of course she wakes up after being sedated. Sister Jude is standing over her, asking questions. She tells Anne Frank that Arden is at the hospital, but that she’s totally going to end up on his operating table so she needs to spill the beans on what she thinks she saw in his lab. Apparently they looked in his lab and nothing was there. HOW DID HE HIDE SHELLEY’S TORSO?
Sister Mary comes in and tells Sister Jude that a man is in her office looking for his wife…Anne Frank. But her “real” name is Charlotte Cohen. Apparently she’s “high strung” and a her colic-y baby pushed her over the crazy edge. When she was 8 months pregnant she read Anne Frank’s diary and then went to see the play. What are the odds that she just happens to look so much like her and be the same age? I THINK SHE’S REALLY ANNE FRANK.