Tricia, my mother, is really into PRETTY LITTLE LIARS. Here’s proof:

Tonight’s episode begins with Spencer, Emily and Aria in Spencer’s kitchen waiting for Hanna to arrive with the info Caleb has gotten off of the phone “A” dropped. They do get some good info off the flash drive but the most shocking thing for me is that Hanna tells Spencer she saw her mom coming in as Hanna was arriving. Might we see Spencer’s parents this week? Do you think they will know who she is or just think a stranger is in their house? This relationship concerns me way more than who killed that bitch Allison. Hanna begrudgingly gives Spencer the flash drive. She is still pretty pissed her man has to be involved and perhaps become a target. I’m with Hanna, why put the eye candy in danger? Lets be honest here, would any of us really care if we lost Toby? Before they watch they all have to put their two cents in. Hanna is indignant about the fact that she is having to LIE to Caleb, as if she doesn’t lie like it’s her job. Aria, who is usually not funny makes a funny, but she is serious. She says, “My money’s on Officer Garrett in the green house with the cellphone.” (She and Ezra must play Clue in their spare time.) Finally, “the boss” (Spencer) says lets just take a look. It starts with the same old same old— “I know you want to kiss…” This is their clue to start the head spinning and eyes popping out of the sockets. Why they have to do that, I don’t know they have heard Allison say that a zillion times already. But wait, there’s more. Allison’s bedroom pops up on the screen and creepy Ian is hiding a camera in her room. As the little liars are trying to figure out why he would be hiding a camera in her room, Garrett and Jenna walk in. The girls realize it is a meeting of the N.A.T club. Ian wants to know why Jason didn’t come and they say, “A six pack and some weed did him in.” Jenna wants to know why Ian has called an emergency meeting. Ian says he tried to get Allison to hand over “our videos” but she wasn’t going for it. Officer Garrett seems to have a little cop rage and tells Ian, “I knew you’d go too far and those videos would come back to bite us. That’s why I bailed on this messed up club.” Ian says, “Well, welcome back. Now we find them before that bitch shows back up.” The hunt begins. Garrett finds the box of Allison’s things that Jason gave Aria a while back. The tape ends there. So what have we and the little pretties learned? Well, we now know that Jenna was also a member of the N.A.T. club and that they all (minus Jason) met in Allison’s bedroom the night she was killed. We also know that Ian recorded the meeting and I for one, don’t think officer Garrett and Helen Keller know that. (I guess another lesson learned is that sometimes a six pack and a little weed might not be a bad idea, it got Jason out of the taped meeting.) Another thing, the Hastings must have a VERY long driveway because Hanna said she passed Spencer’s mom as she was coming in yet she has not made it to the house.  Probably waiting until Spencer leaves so she won’t have to make a half ass attempt to appear to care about her. They make my family look almost normal.   

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I am kind of bummed I just got into this show Jenelle. I never felt much when I watched bits and pieces of the first season, but last week I really got hooked. Too bad this episode is one of the last of the season. (Only 3 left!)

I guess between last week and this week Corey really decided to be a coal miner. They’re real excited that they’ll be able to afford some land for their new trailer. Yes, they are really excited about that. And not in some sort of hipster ironic way, but in a “we’re really excited about putting this trailer on some land” kind of way. To each his own, right? I mean, I guess. 

They go look at the land and I’m scared through the television. It looks like Deliverance. Someone is going to get murdered here. “Is the schools good here?” Leah asks a man in the neighborhood. One can only hope they’re better than the one you attended, Leah.

Leah runs by her mom’s trailer to use the internet. Uh, does she not have it at her house? Do they all have trailers? What is happening? Wait! A trailer only costs $5000? HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE? 

Kailyn is really busy with community college and work. Of course she is. Sounds taxing. Joe hasn’t sent any of the child support payments he owes her, but he does send a letter [to court] that appears to have been written by a 7-year-old stating that he shouldn’t have to pay as much as the court says he should. 

Chelsea is really stressed out! “I haven’t done any studying for my GED and I start my job at the tanning salon tomorrow, but I can’t think about any of that right now because Adam has been really distant,” she says. Looks like someone has her priorities in line. Apparently Adam called the night before and broke up with her. That’s cool. You brought a child into the world with her, but couldn’t bother to do the break-up in person? A real stand-up gent. Chelsea is a mess. 

Jenelle’s mom wants her to pay child support. In other Jenelle news, she’s discovered that Keifer (not Sutherland) has been talking to other broads. “You’re the only dude I talk to,” she yells at him. And then yells and yells and yells. She and her mom go to Social Services to find out Jenelle has to pay $30 a week in child support. Um, what’s the point? What can you buy for $30? (Nothing.) “I DON’T WANT TO TALK TO NO ONE,” Jenelle screams at her mother. She has some real anger issues. She also has some real issues with the King’s English. I’m glad she has a kid. 

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Dance Moms! It’s that time of the week again! Questions for the lovely readers of this blog: what do you think of this season of Dance Moms? Are you enjoying it as much? Is something missing? 

I feel like some of that magic from last season is gone. I can’t quite explain it, but some of the joy of watching is gone for me this season. 

Moving on….this week the little broads are headed to New Jersey for their competition. Let’s go over the pyramid first. Nia is at the bottom because she’s an idiot and she screwed up the choreography last week. YOU HAVE ONE JOB TO DO, NIA, AND THAT IS TO DANCE. GET IT RIGHT! The bottom is rounded out by Kendall, that new kid who looks like a haggard chain smoking single mother. She started four counts ahead of everyone else. OH NO SHE DI’INT! (PS I just had to Google how to say/spell that because I’m white and I’ve never said it. This will mark both the first and last time I say it.) Paige and Mackenzie are also on the bottom. Mackenzie should be in the gutter. She shouldn’t even be on this pyramid. But this week she has a solo. Good God.

Maddie isn’t on top! She’s in the middle. She has some rehearsed, “I’m glad I’m not on a top. I want someone else to know what it feels like.” Uh, sure you do. I WISH YOU WEREN’T A LIAR. Also in the middle: Chloe.

Somehow Brooke is on the top. HOLD THE PHONE. What just happened? She lays on the floor and spins around on her neck. What? WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE? Who’d she have to bang to get to the top?

Mackenzie, Maddie and Chloe are all doing solos this week. Maddie and Chloe will be going head to head in the same age group. Christi is obviously nervous about this. 

The group routine is called BORN TO DANCE and it’s about a child being born. I’m already grossed out and Brooke hasn’t even started gyrating on her own neck yet. 

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I’m kind of glad the finale is finally here. It’s been a bunk season of RHoBH and I really hate watching it. 

 Lisa VANDERPUMP is preparing for Pandora’s “intimate” wedding. By intimate they mean huge. The tent is bigger than most houses. VANDERPUMP is concerned about the flowers because it’s so hot out. Ugh, I’m so bored. 

Oh joy! Adrienne and Paul. Paul is having his millionth colonoscopy, but he still asks questions like he’s never had one and like he’s not a doctor. Paul asks Adrienne to help him give himself an enema. I am sick. Luckily she’s a bitch and won’t do it. And why are we seeing him getting a colonoscopy? Was there NOTHING ELSE to show? NOTHING? No footage of Russell hitting Taylor? No footage of someone sleeping? This is pointless. Ugh, I’m so bored.

Back at the VANDERPUMP manse they’re [still] excitedly getting ready for the wedding. I DIDN’T SIGN ON TO THIS SHOW TO WATCH PANDORA. I am so bored watching this. VANDERPUMP wears a wife beater while watching someone wheel in a $9500 wedding cake. It comes in in stages. Ken carries in a part of it, much to VANDERPUMP’S dismay.

Kyle makes Mauricio and Portia help her decide what to wear to the big wedding. Mauricio doesn’t really care. Kyle shows him some of her typical ugly dresses. She’s so pretty, but she wears the tackiest clothes. If I see her in a strappy-sided dress one more time I will kill someone. And how does Mauricio not have black tie? Everyone has black tie! Except hillbillies. This is obviously staged. There is no way he doesn’t his own tuxedo.

Franc is nowhere to be found. VANDERPUMP is pissed. She shouldn’t have hired that creepy asian-ish fagatron in the first place. 

Camille and her hired friend, Elizabeth, are picking out a dress for the wedding too. No way did any of these people pick dresses the day of the event. I don’t even do that and I wear pajamas most of the time. So I certainly wouldn’t do it if I was forced to wear gowns. 

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I’ve been putting off recapping this episode mostly because I hate seeing myself in these people the television deems “freaks.” What’s so bad about being addicted to cheesy potatoes? NOTHING! THEY ARE DELICIOUS. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THIS. STOP TELLING ME THAT THERE IS.

Anyway, I’m obviously on this person’s side. I think cheesy potatoes should make up the entire food pyramid. Nothing else. (PS I know that the pyramid has been changed to a plate or a circle or something stupid, but call me Abby Lee Miller, I love a pyramid.)

I’m already craving the cheesy potato recipe I’ve been eating since I was a kid and I haven’t even started the episode yet. (Email me for the recipe. It will change your life.)

Moving on…Kelly loves cheesy potatoes because she’s a genius. She’s 34 and so what if she’s obese? She eats 8000 calories a day- all potatoes and cheese. That’s 8 potatoes and 4 cups of cheese. MARRY ME, KELLY. 

She also likes sitting in the car eating cheesy potatoes. It reminds me of the time I ate a pizza in the car. Three times. Or the time I ate Nutella in the car. 12 times. Or the time I bought a candy apple out of someone’s trunk and ate it in the car. That just happened once. 

(I am so lucky I’m not obese and diabetic. Just writing about this makes me realize this.)

I wonder if a potato molested Kelly.

When she was 4 she was forced to eat food that didn’t agree with her. Since that time she’s only eaten cheesy potatoes. 

“I don’t really eat in front of other people. I don’t really want people to know,” she says. On camera. On national TV. (Does she not see the camera? Is she confused? Am I confused?)

Kelly can’t stand the smell or look of most foods- especially vegetables. When her husband is cooking she sprawls out on the couch. He tries to force her to eat a green vegetable, but she gags and cries. She GAGS AND CRIES. 

She’s gained 150 lbs in 3 years. Get in line, fatty. 

My favorite part of the show is watching her lounge on her too-small couch. 

JJ Virgin and Mike Dow to the rescue! They’re sure to waste a ton of potatoes by throwing them on the ground later. They startle here while she’s eating potatoes in an alley. 

She cries again. Man up. You’re untouchable, bitch. 

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I’ve been looking forward to this Lifetime movie since about the time that Drew Peterson started murdering all his wives. Then once I saw the trailer for it I knew that I’d have a new favorite Made For TV Movie™. I don’t really enjoy recapping things that are 2 hours long, but once I started it I knew I had a lot to say about it. Rob Lowe is awesome. I love his big gray mustache. The movie starts with some dumb interview that I don’t really care about. Start killing all your wives, please. This is apparently an interview after some of the wives had been murdered.

Cut to the past. Drew is banging his wife. It’s real sexy, especially with that big grey mustache. Their son, Justin, catches them. IT IS TOTALLY CREEPY because Drew says, “you were gettin’ too much lovin’ from big daddy.” HE SAYS THAT OUTLOUD AND THEN HE GETS UP NUDE FOR HIS SON TO SEE AND THEN SAYS “HE HAS A RIGHT TO KNOW WHY THEY CALL ME BIG DADDY” AND I CAN’T STOP WRITING IN ALL CAPS WITH NO GRAMMAR. I don’t know what to do! I am both creeped out and so excited that this movie was made!

After that creep-fest, Drew and his partner (he’s a Bollingbrook, IL cop) are out on a call. They go to a hotel because some crazy drunk man is running around with scissors. I AM READY FOR DREW PETERSON TO KILL SOMEONE NOW.

Anyway, at the hotel he meets some slutty desk clerk Stacy (played by Kaley Cuoco from that dreadful BIG BANG THEORY. [PS If you watch that please don’t talk to me.]) Drew and Stacy do some really uncomfortable flirting. Then Drew makes a really sexy arrest in front of her. Luckily she’s leaving her shift just as this is happening so she gets to blow him a kiss as her friend who picked her up drives by. Another sexy scene! SEXY!

The next day Drew and his current (undead) wife, Kathleen, head out to a party at the police station. They obviously hate each other. He makes really hilarious jokes about her period and stuff. HEY KATHLEEN, LET HIM MAKE THOSE JOKES. HE’S GOING TO KILL YOU IF YOU DON’T.

The party looks terrible… just a bunch of drunk cops and wives and a few sluts. Kathleen gets drunk and won’t bang Drew in a jail cell so he locks her in it. Seems about right. 

This is the best movie I’ve ever seen- on TV or in theaters.

Sometime later in the week a nice big Harley pulls up to the motel where Stacy works. GUESS WHO IS ON IT? DREW PETERSON! He revs up that hog to impress her. AND IT WORKS! 

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The show starts with the housemates realizing Vinny left under the cover of darkness. Deena cries. “He was like my soul,” she says. I’m fairly sure she doesn’t know what a soul is. 

In the bathroom with J-WOWW and her new face, Deena has to have her underwear readjusted by J-Woww. I can’t even count the number of times I’ve had to have someone readjust my underwear in a bathroom. 

The boys bring home some grenades. Deena goes and sulks in Vinny’s room. 

The Situation’s grenade speaks Italian. She’s real fancy. By fancy I mean almost as ugly as Deena.

It’s so weird how much I wish AIDS upon all these people every week when I watch. They are allowed to breathe and live and wander the Earth and procreate. Fingers crossed that they’ve all had so many abortions and bouts of syphilis that they are forever unable to bear children. 

Deena is a real mess about Vinny’s departure. If she cares this much, why didn’t she leave the club with him and see him off? Oh, because she was busy showing her vagina to people. Duh.

The following morning the guys get rid of their STD-laden broads. Do you think these girls have watching parties with their friends and families when their episodes are airing? They should! 

As JIONNI leaves Snooki sweetly says,”I won’t cheat on you.” That’s cool. She’s such a stand up broad. It’s nice that she has to say that. (Not that her saying it means she won’t actually cheat on him.)

To “honor” Vinny Snooki and Deena decide to get “waste-y pants.” (Their words, CERTAINLY NOT MINE.) This happens:

I just destroyed my TV. I smashed it and then set it on fire and then put grain alcohol in my eyes. And then I killed myself. 

WHY ARE THEY SO DISGUSTING? WHY ARE THEY GIVEN A FORUM? WHY ARE THEY ALIVE? WHY IS GOD SO CRUEL?

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I haven’t recapped this show since the pilot, but I thought I’d get back into it. Mostly because I LOVE IT SO MUCH! I would love to spend my days getting revenge.

Emily and Nolan are still listening to all those audio tapes they stole from the fagatron writer last week, trying to learn more about the fact that Charlotte is actually the daughter of David Clarke and not Conrad Grayson. Emily decides to use the tapes to set Amanda up for torching Tredwell’s house AND to ruin Victoria in her divorce proceedings. 

Elsewhere, Daniel is feeding Victoria and her lawyer information on his father’s off-shore bank accounts. He has about $500 million in off shore accounts. Who doesn’t? 

Victoria’s forehead is a modern marvel. How does a 73-year-old have the forehead of a 14-year-old? I usually spend a lot of time post-show thinking about her forehead. 

Anyway, back to this meeting of the minds. Daniel lets it be known that the SEC is investigating Conrad’s company so they need to get to work fast getting money and whatnot before a scandal breaks. David tells Victoria he’s not just going to ask Emily to marry him to get his trust fund reinstated, but because he really loves her. 

Emily meets Amanda on the other side of the tracks for breakfast. She tells her that Treadwell’s house went up in flames the other day and that she thinks Victoria did it. Emily tells Amanda that she needs to leave town because Victoria is sure to pin this torching thing on Amanda. EMILY IS SO GOOD AT REVENGE. Amanda makes the wise decision not to leave town. GOOD LUCK NOT GETTING REVENGED. 

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Let it be known, Internet, that I don’t know these broads or the gentlemen who impregnated them. I know very basic info I’ve read in tabloids about each of them, but I don’t watch the show, I don’t have nicknames for them and I don’t have a real connection with them like I do Braces, Farrah, Vaguely Asian and Beeeeentley’s Mom. But here goes…

I can sense that Jenelle is going to be my favorite. She’s filled with rage in the PREVIOUSLY ON segment.

The show opens with Chelsea moving into a new apartment. She has a really beautiful animal print rug. Right after hanging her last Anne Geddes print she heads out to pick up some job applications. She interviews with an orange lady at a tanning salon. She really sells herself with, “I’m working on my GED and planning to go to cosmetology school.” The orange lady claims she’ll call in the next day or so. Chelsea also made the wise decision to bring her child with her to the interview. 

Kailyn apparently had a fight with babydaddy, Joe, about how much child support he’ll have to pay. She meets with some hillbilly friends to discuss this issue. They eat pizza that looks so delicious that I’m too distracted to listen to the show. 

Kailyn looks like she works around meth. 

Leah makes me sad because something is wrong with Ali, one of her twins. It mostly makes me sad because I feel like I have to be nicer to her. GODDAMN DEVELOPMENTAL DELAYS! I will say that I HATE babies with pierced ears. It’s gross. But I’d expect nothing less from these trailer dwellers. 

I don’t understand a word Corey, her husband (are they still married? Didn’t she cheat on him twice?), says. And I speak fluent Southern. I believe he says he wants to become a coal miner. That’s always a good move because miners never get trapped for days until they die from a lack of air or water. Why is coal mining still a thing? Anyway, they decide to learn more about coal mining.

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I’ve gotten a few comments about how I need to layoff Fatty McDance’s weight. Uh, until she lays of the Quarter Pounders I think you should probably go read another blog. 

The episode starts off per usual- with Fatty McDance berating the girls for their performance in North Carolina. Please note that McDance is wearing a shirt with a bedazzled butterfly on it. It’s beautiful.

Fatty McD announces the girls are performing in Ohio this week. You know who lives there? CATHY NESBITT and her Candy Apple dancers. Everyone is real excited to beat those idiots. 

Kendall is on the bottom of the pyramid, along with ol’ dead weight McKenzie, Brooke and Paige. Paige isn’t even there because of her dancing, but because Abby had to tell her to sit down 32 times on the bus. That seems like a good reason. Oh, PS, who did McKenzie have to bang to get into this troupe? She’s the worst. 

Nia and Chloe are in the middle, but of course Maddie is on the top.

The girls are doing a dance called Bad Apples. It’s a little 40s, a little Katy Perry and a has a little bit of novelty. THAT SOUNDS JUST GREAT. 

Brooke has a solo. So there is obviously a creepy put-your-legs-over-your-head aspect of the routine. I HATE WHEN SHE “DANCES.”

The moms head up to the OBSERVATION MEZZANINE to discuss the pyramid. Jill is really pissed about this. Uh, she’s new, stupid. Jill says Nia kind of sucks and should be bumped down to the bottom of the pyramid. Holly, of course, assumes she’s racist. 

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Here is my mother’s latest installment of PRETTY LITTLE LIARS. (Notice in paragraph one she references some 100 year old soap opera couple that wasn’t even Luke & Laura. Cool reference, Mom.)

I am really having trouble getting back into this show.  The first week was weak(sorry), second peaked my interest and this week was just lame, in my opinion.  I think it’s time for the writers to stop thinking about how many years they can drag this thing out and start thinking just a little about giving us more than a few crumbs that usually don’t turn into a slice of bread.  Have you not learned anything from the demise of the soap operas?  We are no longer content to wait years for Josh and Reve to work it out.  We’ve got high tech toys calling out names, if we are too impatient to sit through a 30 second commercial we are certainly not going to keep watching this paint dry.  Just a thought!

In this episode I will be referring to the little liars as the pretty little orphans.  We’ve been over this before but it bears saying again, these are high school girls and all have visited with the police on a number of occasions so why do they have so much freedom?  I love Aria’s parent “new age” restriction, Poor Emily, her parents left her for dead long ago, Hanna’s mom must have the best contract because she does appear to care if not all the time at least once every episode. And poor Spencer, her parents don’t even know they have another child other than Melissa.  It’s no wonder they are such easy targets.  We begin with the four still at the lake house or it appears to me to be the lake house.  Hanna could have died, Lucas for all they know is sleeping with the fishes and still no family, just the orphans. Hanna has a headache and the girls are all mothering her with aspirin, blankets and soup.  Emily gives Hanna the news that the lake is going to be dredged in the morning.  The police think they will find Lucas’ body. Hanna is sure he is alive “out there somewhere”.  Aria can’t believe harmless Lucas could be working with “A”.  Hanna decides to tell the girls Lucas is not as harmless as they think.  She tells them he was the one who destroyed Ali’s memorial.  The other orphans can’t believe Hanna never told them—why would she keep a secret?  REALLY?  The better question is how can you three ask such a question.  You are all full of lies and secrets. Man up, ladies.  This could be the most ridiculous scene of the entire show and that is saying a lot.  Hanna takes the Aspirin and reaches into her purse for water.  Seriously— this really happened—she pulls out a glass jar like the ones people used to use when they pickled things.  It is about a foot long with no lid—just been sitting upright I suppose in her purse for who knows how long.  In a million years this is not what Hanna or for that matter anyone would carry in their bag as a water bottle.  While I am thinking, “holy shit what is that and how did it not turn over in your bag”, always alert Emily stops her from drinking it because it has lake water in it.  All they can think about is how did lake water get in it?  Who could have done it?  They all pass it around and smell it and still no one says “What kind of hillbilly water bottle is this?”  “A’ picks this time to send a text—“no fun chugging lake water, is it? Chock on this, bitch. A”  We have a little thunder, serious head spinning, troubled looks and then the theme music. 

It’s morning and Hanna and Emily are in the Marin’s kitchen having breakfast and the token parental scene.  Praise Jesus, Lucas is alive.  ET phoned home but that’s about all we know.  Hanna seems like she would have been ok if he hadn’t surfaced.  Momma Marin wants to call his parents since it all happened at a party her daughter was hosting. Maybe Momma should have thought about attending the party instead of showing all the concern after the fact.  The girls set her straight- she is just a bit player in this sad tale and they move along.  I know you are probably thinking they are headed to school, as that is what momma Marin was also thinking but they again set her straight they have better things to do.   School is like everything else in Rosewood—NO RULES!   Once they all get to Spencer’s house she empty’s the bag of goodies she found at the lake house so they can start the days detective work.  She found cell phones that she says are not her parents, they don’t look like they are much use to anyone to me .  They are still in the unopened boxes but that doesn’t seem to cross anyone mind.  They also found a receipt from a store in Philadelphia. Spencer and Aria decide they will go to Philly after school and have a look around. 

Finally the little orphans have decided to make an appearance at school.  I am worried they are not  going to age well. When do they sleep?  Every night seems to be date night or party night or sleuth night.  Luckily Aria stopped by school. It gave her a chance to make a date with Holden for yet another school night.  As we know she is on restriction but apparently only when it comes to Ezra.  Holden was a childhood friend who has been out of the country for a while. He has come back just in time to help Aria get out of the house (like that has ever been a problem) and he seems to have the need to use Aria for something, but we don’t know what yet.  Holden tells Aria to plan the date so she decides they should go to a play that she knows Erza is planning to attend. 

Mona is spilling her guts to an uncaring Hanna about Noel maybe breaking up with her.  She tells Hanna Noel was on the phone with someone all night during Caleb’s birthday party. If Hanna would pay attention to someone other than herself she might pick up some clues.  She is truly clueless.  While Mona is going on and on about her problems Hanna sees her homecoming picture is being taken down.  She is told the administration doesn’t think tiaras and orange jumpsuits are a good fit.  Can’t really fight that logic.  Mona realizes Hanna has not been listening to her and she has a meltdown.  Telling Hanna how selfish she is.  Am I the only one thinking pot calling the kettle black?   Hanna retreats to the bathroom to hide and cry.  While Hanna is hiding crying in the bathroom Emily get a call from someone disguising her voice, turns out it’s Maya.  Apparently they are a couple again, who knew? They also will be going out tonight. Yes, it’s a school night.  Maya needs Emily to get her a fake Id—no problem Emily says.  While on the phone with Emily, Maya gets a calls she seems a bit distressed about and doesn’t take it.  She is not my favorite of Emily’s lady friends.  I think Emily can do better. Maya always seems to have an agenda to me.  I do like seeing Emily happy so we’ll so where it goes this time. Meanwhile, back in the crying room, also know as the ladies room at Rosewood High, Hanna has decide to put on her big girl panties and come out. Unfortunately for Hanna while she was sobbing “A” was leaving her a little gift.  Someone had filled the sink with water and places a tiny wooden rowboat in it.  Cue the text—“Life is but a dream, Hanna.  And I am your nightmare. “A”.  Now she has something to cry about.

Spencer and Aria are off to Philly hoping to find some clues to who bought the stuff in the attic at the lake house.  Turns out the place the receipt was from is a newsstand. Aris says “isn’t Melissa’s condo about 10 blocks from here? Spencer is either not listening to Aria or doesn’t know who Melissa is and who could blame her, they’re really aren’t very close.  Aria stays about 5 minutes and then gets back on the train to go home for her date.  I don’t see any point to Aria having made the trip except to point out that Melissa has a condo nearby, therefore I am thinking that might be important info. After Aria leaves Spencer starts to notice the area she is in a full of blind people and lots of cute dogs.  I may be the one that noticed all the dogs. Anyway, back to the blind people.  Turns out across from the place the receipt came from is a rehabilitation center for the blind.  Spencer goes in to have a look around.  She tries to get some info from the lady at the desk as to whether Jenna had ever been there but the lady was not the giving type.  Luckily a nice young blind man heard Spencer asking and was happy to tell her that Jenna had indeed been there and what a sweet person she was.  Must not be the Jenna we know and hate.  Spencer tells the guy that she knew Jenna some years ago, but not from Rosewood.  If you are smart enough to lie about that maybe it would be a good idea not to use your real name.  We all know Spencer is a very common name so not to worry.  As Spencer is leaving she realizes everyone must sign in and out so she steals the sign in book from the time Ali died. 

Caleb is very concerned about where Lucas is.  He tries to get info out of Hanna but she is not at all concerned with Lucas.  They fight and Caleb leaves.  Aria heads off for her date with Holden.  As Aria had hoped Ezra also shows up.  It is like a scene from a 20’s silent movie.  They both stop and stare at each other for what seems like hours, but was just seconds.  In slow-mo Aria looks just like a Barbie doll.  Just as you think they are going to run into one another’s  arms Holden and some lame teacher come between them.  A moment lost forever.  Holden seems far from a rocket scientist but even he could see something might be going on between Aria and Ezra. 

When Spencer gets off the train from Philly it’s dark and the music is scary so we are sure something bad is about to happen to Spencer.  It’s just Mona.  It was very random and so odd that it must mean something but again I have no idea.  Mona tells Spencer she is heartbroken because Noel broke up with her so she has been in the city shopping to take the pain away.  Smart girl, that always works for me.  Not so much for her because she just purchased five cashmere blend sweater sets and she says she never wears sweater sets or blends.  Again, who knew she was so smart? Spencer gives her a pep talk and that’s that.   Seemed an odd fit so I do think we should make something of it.

Hanna is feeling bad about the fight with Caleb and keeps leaving him messages.  Its dark and stormy, Hanna’s back door is open but she thinks it’s from the storm. She fails to see the muddy footprints.  Looks like someone is in the house. Emily and Maya are at the club.  Maya gets another phone call she seems afraid to answer.  She tells Emily she hooked up with someone when she was away. Emily is ok with it because they were “on a break” as Ross and Rachael would say. After Emily tells her it’s ok Maya throws Emily a curve ball.  Maya says “he want take no for an answer. Looks like Emily might have a harder time forgiving her with a he than a she.  I’m betting we know the he.  After the play Holden tells Aria he can help her with seeing Ezra because he also has things he would like to keep from his parents.  Wonder what? 

We’re back at the Marin’s house, I was thinking the power was out because it is so dark in the house but now I see a lamp is on. One lamp for the whole house is taking green way too far.  Thank goodness I got my night vision glasses last week. Hanna goes into her bedroom and Lucas is hiding behind the door.  He tells Hanna he never wanted to hurt her. He says he can’t let her leave the room.  While he is talking she speed dials Caleb who just happens to have just walked into her house.  He hears what is going on and runs up to Hanna’s room.  He says he took Hanna out on the lake just to talk to her that he needed her help telling Caleb what he had done.  Turns out he was betting on basketball games and lost all of Caleb’s money and his own.  Can that be all there is to it?  He has been driving around selling his comic books and collectibles and has some of the money to give back to Caleb.  Caleb is forgiving and says all will be ok.  Hanna says “you are not who I thought you were”.  Could that be the understatement of the year?  Who is in this town? 

So here we are, I wish someone had a clock because I would love to know what time it is. It’s a school night, duh, Aria has been to a play with Holden that we know started at 7:30 and they went for coffee after.  Emily went out of town to a concert, Spencer has been all over the place and Hanna has had the encounter with Lucas.  It has to be at least midnight maybe later but the girls have met up at Spencer’s for dumplings and  to discuss the day’s events.  I don’t understand why they don’t all just move into Spencer’s house. I think we all know her parents may never come back.  They discuss that the person in the green house wasn’t Lucas and from the sign in book they discover that the day Jenna told them Allison came to visit she was not there or at least did sign in.  They also see that the day Allison “went missing” Garrett signed in and also signed Jenna out at 10:15pm and never signed her back in.  When they say never do they mean never never ever? Or not until the next day.  I need to know this.  Not a question the orphans seems to need to answer they are ready to eat dumplings.  They may have to go to bed hungry, the boxes are full of worms and dirt—here comes the text “This is what live bait looks like.  Now we’re even bitches! “A”.  I don’t get it!  Does “A” work at the Chinese restaurant?  Who knew Rosewood had another restaurant?  I’ve never seen anyone go anywhere other than the Apple Rose Grill. On another note why don’t they ever put on comfortable clothing for these late night meetings?  So many questions.  Cut to the final scene- we see a black glove loosening a bolt on scaffolding.  I would take a guess who this was meant to hurt but I don’t have to because the scenes from next week show Toby falling.  I wouldn’t mind losing him but I doubt we will.

Until next week—-got a secret can you keep it? 

There are very few things I hate more than an extended episode of a show. You’d think that I’d be into something like that. Frankly it just screws up programming for the rest of the night and makes it nearly impossible to record everything I want. And don’t get me started on how much it affects later syndication. 

Anyway, this dreck was 75 minutes last night. Instead of taking an after work nap I’m doing the world a good deed and recapping this. (You’re welcome.)

The show starts out at Kyle’s house. She’s always in her bathroom. Kyle, Farrah and Portia are all hanging out getting ready for some party. (Well, Portia isn’t because she’s a child.) Kyle tells Farrah (who is Farrah? I missed some episodes. Am I supposed to know her?) that Taylor left Russell. Then they talk about all the beatings and stuff. Quickly moving on to more important subjects, Kyle announces that she has Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from her latest fight with Kim. She should totally tell that to servicemen returning home from Iraq and Afghanistan. 

LISA VANDERPUMP is bossing around people who are setting up Sur for a party. Apparently no one planned at all in advance. It’s two hours until the doors open and nothing has been done. (What, is Lisa Vanderpump related to Michael Ballard of Full Throttle Saloon?)

VANDERPUMP ditches Ken at the restaurant. He kind of sexually assaults her as she tries to go home to get dressed. 

Elsewhere in Beverly Hills, Kim is at Maison 140 with Thierry, the make-up artist, and her creepy boyfriend Ken. Ken and Kim decided to get a hotel the night of the party so they could mix more meth and alcohol and have less of a drive home. Kim has so much crap just for one night away from home. Then she pulls out a vibrator that she tries to use as lipstick. That’s all I have to say on this subject.

Kim forces Ken to wait on her hand and foot. Luckily he’ll beat the hell out of her later so it all evens out. 

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If there is anything that makes me feel better about myself it’s creeps who do weird stuff. My Strange Addiction makes me feel like the most normal person who has ever lived. Mostly because I don’t eat rocks and stuff. 

This episode involves a creep who bathes in bleach (MOLESTED BY BLEACH!) and someone who eats plastic (SEXUALLY ABUSED BY TUPPERWARE!)

Kailyn is an 18-year-old from Sacramento. She jumps right in with awesomeness: “I’ve eaten 12 remotes.” Uh, does she know we can hear her? So maybe it was a television that molested her? We shall see. She’s also eaten hundreds of cocktail swords, forks, some water bottles. You know, typical plastics. 

She’s eaten plastic everyday for 11 years. She’s consumed over 150 lbs of plastic and chooses it over food. How miserable must it be for her to poop? 

The favorite plastic texturally is a remote control. The buttons are delicious. (Her words, not mine.) But day to day she favors cocktail swords. (Remotes seem to be more of a luxury dinner.) Luckily she works as a waitress so they’re easy to come by. The fool eats 15 a day and she loves the crunch. Does she know that Ruffles crunch too? 

Kailyn was abused when she was six. ABSOLUTELY SHOCKING. She turned to plastic after she was abused. That makes complete sense. 

Kailyn seems to want to stop eating plastic. I have no idea why. 

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Detroit-area deviants and prison! I’m in. I’ve missed you, Beyond Scared Straight.

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I hate this show and I don’t even know why I watch. I actually hate it. I don’t love to hate it, I hate it. Like I want them to all perish in a house fire kind of hate.

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