I hope Adrienne and her husband don’t awkwardly fight at a dinner party tonight.

Note: a few weeks ago when ALLIED VAN LINES (DON’T EVER USE THEM) decided to wait 3 1/2 weeks to deliver my stuff in my cross country move I had (HAD) to get a new TV. It’s 50 inches and really like a work of art so I finally gave into the HD nonsense. YOU GUYS, it’s like a whole new world. The point of all this is that these broads (save for Lisa VANDERPUMP and Kyle) all look like monsters. I’d kill myself if I was on TV after the invention of high definition. (Maybe that’s why Russell did it and it had nothing to do with his being a woman beating thief?)

Anyway, moving on. Kyle and that handsome husband of hers have moved houses. It’s 7000 square feet with 7 bedrooms. Kyle tells us that each girl now finally has her own room. You’re telling me that your daughters lived like hobos and shared rooms before this? And you call yourself rich. Come on!

Kyle is so pretty.

THE MORALLY CORRUPT FAYE RESNICK comes over to see the new house. She also keeps saying “us” when referencing house things. “If he keeps the pool table it’s going to keep us from getting furniture.” MORALLY CORRUPT FAYE RESNICK, it’s not your house.

Lisa VANDERPUMP’S closet is a masterpiece. I especially like her jewels displayed in the middle. She’s packing for a trip with the other ladies to Camille’s Colorado home. They’re going “skiing.” She also has this and I bet she looks absolutely exquisite in it.

Why are these broads all traveling together? They all hate at least 2 others in their group.

Elsewhere in Beverly Hills, Adrienne fills her golden suitcases with bars of gold. She brings 3 pieces of luggage for 2 days. She’s not even skiing. She also gives Paul instructions for while she’s gone. It’s mostly about driving slow and locking the doors. It’s like when my mom goes out of town and my dad leaves the front door wide open for days because he’s too dumb to close it. It’s like that if my parent’s had doors made out of pure gold.

OK, let’s speed this episode up, Bravo. It’s REAL boring.

The stretch limo (that’s apparently still a thing) picks Taylor and Adrienne up first. They have an awkward-we-aren’t-really-friends-so-we-have-nothing-to-say conversation about weather. Also, apparently Lisa VANDERPUMP refuses to travel in the same car as Adrienne because she’s never on time and Lisa VANDERPUMP is a stand up broad and is always on time.

Taylor and Adrienne start talking about their marriages. Taylor says they’re still in therapy and how she speaks her mind finally. That worked out REALLY WELL.

Kyle is dressed as a pimp at the airport.

Ugly stepsister Kim is all hopped up on drugs. She claims she has had cabin fever being trapped at home, but I think it’s more like a meth fever. But what do I know? (Everything.)

Lisa VANDERPUMP is obviously embarrassed to be traveling with Kim. I’m embarrassed to be watching Kim. She’s a mess. She’s babbling and giggling and cornholing.

They board the plane and Kim starts catcalling your boys on the plane. It’s terrible. You know, because she has kids who are old enough to watch this.

The flight gets really out of control when all the ladies start acting like crazed children on the airplane. Adrienne and Kim punch some dude’s ass. Kyle sticks a makeup brush up Lisa VANDERPUMP’s nose. VANDERPUMP is the only broad not acting the fool.

They arrive in Beaver Creek only to be told by their stretch limo driver that they have to take some crazy, long way because I-70 is closed. Whatever I-70 is. Anyway, no one is happy about this. I mean, they’re trapped in this stretch limo like it’s prom night, 1986.

It’s going to be a four hour drive. ARE. YOU. KIDDING. ME? I thought the driver meant it was like 30 miles out of the way. Not 1000.

Camille and her friend assistant, Carrie, are preparing for the ladies. The house is made almost entirely of bricks and looks like the best place to spend winters. Camille is upset because she has to sell the house.

Back in 1986, the ladies are going stir crazy. Kim is spilling her guts. She won’t shut her whore mouth. Then Kyle asks VANDERPUMP if Ken was mad at her at Adrienne’s Awkward Dinner Party ‘11. Lisa defends Ken and Taylor attacks. Cool it, Taylor. Therapy obviously didn’t take.

I really miss the days when Camille was my worst enemy. Now she’s barely seen. Where’s that bitch, Allison Dubois when I need her?

The broads finally make it to the castle.

“I feel sorry for her. She has to sell these beautiful houses. She’s going to be down to just a couple soon,” Lisa VANDERPUMP so wisely acknowledges. I know how that feels, when you’re just down to a couple of houses.

Uh oh, two of the ladies have to share a room like common hobos.

No one wants to share a room with Taylor. I wouldn’t either. VANDERPUMP pulls a VANDERPUMP and gets the best bedroom. She deserves it. Kim and Kyle agree to share. That should turn out well. Especially when Kim catches the bed on fire with her crack torch.

Next they take a stretch SUV limo out to dinner. Kyle is all about Camille now. WHAT THE HELL IS THIS CRAP? I don’t watch this to see friends giggle in the back of a stretch limo. Kim gets really upset because they all talk about back hair. For once I’m on Kim’s side.

These old creeps start talking about some cute 20-year-olds for Camille and Kim to go pounce on. Then they get a delicious plate of cheese.

Then things get a little weird when Kim and Kyle have a bit of an altercation. Kyle claims they’re in a good place, but Kim isn’t really there yet. With all that jealousy of being the ugly, single-at-70 sister you’re never going to be there, Kim.

The next morning Taylor checks in on Kim, who apparently contracted bronchitis overnight. More like methchitis.

Downstairs, Taylor and Lisa VANDERPUMP “hang out” because neither of them can sleep. It’s awkward. I feel like I’m constantly saying that with these broads.

Finally everyone else wakes up and Aunt Jemima Camille makes pancakes. WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE?

You should see VANDERPUMP and Adrienne try to crack eggs to help make the pancakes.

John, the ski concierge, of course, shows up to measure everyone for their equipment. Camille peer pressures Adrienne into skiing. She has a bunk knee but agrees to do it. Kind of like that time Kim agreed to “just try” meth.

The ladies flirt with the ski concierge who is an obvious fagatron. I’M REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE. Kim is all over this gentleman.

They finally make it to the slopes. Lisa VANDERPUMP looks absolutely magnificent in her big white fur hat. A ski instructor meets them at the top of the mountain. They all claim to ski, plus they’re rich so why is this broad here? All rich people ski.

VANDERPUMP is a vision on skis.

After a day on the slopes Taylor and Kyle get in the jacuzzi. Note: I hate jacuzzis. I would especially hate Kelsey Grammer’s filthy jacuzzi probably. God knows what’s breeding in it.

Taylor’s big lips act as flotation devices in the jacuzzi. The ladies have a really emotional chat about the fear of being alone and letting go of the anger of holding her voice for so long and also everything else that is sad in her life (which is everything in her life). Then Taylor has a nervous breakdown and her lips explode. The last part of that sentence, sadly, didn’t happen. She’s a boney, restylane-filled mess. Then they look like they’re going to make out and I’m officially over this jacuzzi scene.

Next week on THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS: Taylor has another [12] nervous breakdowns and gets in her own luggage, Kim goes into another crack stupor and makes phone calls, Adrienne buys more gold.