The show is 90 minutes tonight. That’s pretty much my dream. 

Anyway, moving on. Vaguely Asian got out of jell and broke it off with that creepy rapist, Clinton so she could focus on things like laying in soft clothes on a sheetless bed. 

Jessia, Vaguely Asian’s friend, calls to discuss all the drama. Apparently she sat with 6 other deviants in a cell with one blanket. Jell sounds terrible. Leah is running around the house, nearly motherless. Mom’s on the phone, kid. LEAVE HER ALONE, SHE’S BUSY. 

Braces finished her high school classes. Finally. Goddamn idiot. Wait, how does she have an iPad? They live in a cat-filled trailer and she could pay the price of an iPad and it’s montly service fee? I DON’T UNDERSTAND THE WORLD. 

Brandon and Theresa, THE PARENTS OF CARLY (You know, because Braces and Lanky GAVE HER UP FOR ADOPTION) send them an email to say they need to think about their request to bring Carly to graduation. Hey Brandon and Theresa, CHANGE YOUR NUMBER. 

Maci and the slow albino are sitting around, not saying much. (What they do say I don’t understand because I don’t think it’s English.) Some narc calls Maci and reports that that sweetass babydaddy, Ryan, has been seen downtown on nights that he’s supposed to be hanging out with Bentley. He’s so cute that I don’t care that he’s the worst dad. And also that he mumbles and yawns so much. I DON’T EVEN CARE. 

I hate the scenes at Ryan’s parents house. I don’t watch this show to see his creepy mom. Some weirdo friend of Ryan’s comes to pick him up to go to Buffalo Wild Wings. Real fancy. For some reason everyone thinks it’s OK that Bentley is up at 10pm. 

Elsewhere, Farrah has returned from Florida. She is all set on moving there. She’s telling her mom this. Her mom’s not pleased. Per usual. Then she has a meltdown. Then she and Farrah speak back and forth in baby voices like they were both molested. (Medical Fact: if you speak in a baby voice it’s evidence of molestation.)

The next morning Farrah sits Sophia on a tall counter and has a one-sided adult conversation. 

ALSO, FARRAH HAS DECIDED TO GET BRACES. She’s like 1000. “I told Sophia I’m getting braces, so now I’m telling you guys,” she says to her parents. Uh, Sophia is 2. She doesn’t know what braces are. Or teeth. Her mom totally judges her with her eyes. 

Braces (the original, not Farrah) and Monty (that creepy one-named teacher) meet about the fact that she’s so excited to be graduating. We also learn that that crazy bitch April had Braces when she was 19, but that she also didn’t graduate high school after having her. Uh…she should have graduated before that. Guess what else happens? Braces announces that she wants to be a teacher. SO I AM SEARING MY BIRTHING ORGANS SO AS NEVER TO HAVE A CHILD THAT WILL LIVE IN A WORLD WHERE THAT IDIOT IS ALLOWED TO TEACH. Because we all know she will be a teacher in the next 5 years. America, you are terrible. 

Gary’s mom goes to Vaguely Asian’s in my dream outfit. (I [secretly] pray for a resurgence of overalls because they are comfortable like soft clothes but denim in fabric.). I don’t know if I would have worn the overalls with a blue shirt underneath, but other than that she looks (and probably feels) great. 

Vaguely Asian tells her about her jell time and stuff. She says she wants to change. It’s real sweet. But we know it’s not going to stick because she’s batshit crazy in the brains. 

Braces and Lanky head to the one bar in Michigan to play some pool and celebrate her last day of school. APRIL IS THERE. It’s thrilling for me. Where’s Butch? Catelynn’s friend Brittany appears to have been electrocuted. Tyler and his friend have a real personal conversation about whether or not Tyler can picture himself with another girl. He can. SCANDAL! His friends egg him on to go find some other broad. He claims he has a commitment. 

Maci goes to her parents and talks about school. Why can’t we cut this bore out of the show? 

Amber has been really stressed about the meeting with Child Protective Services. Her [awful] mother comes over to watch Leah while Vaguely Asian goes to therapy [that doesn’t seem to take]. 

There’s Gary Shirley! It’s about time. He is eating with his friend and talking about the last time he SEEN Amber. He looks obese(r). He really misses that crazy bitch. 

Farrah and her only friends family go to dinner. Farrah announces she’s made an appointment for everyone (including Michael Dad Michael) to go to counseling the following day. Shouldn’t she have asked if tomorrow was a good time? I mean, people have plans and stuff. Then her mom brings up the ol’ Florida move. Farrah says if she gets accepted into the school then she’s definitely leaving. Everyone else seems to think that’s not going to be happening. 

Bentley gets a bath. 

Back to Braces. She’s still gloating about the fact that she finished her high school classes. Um, that’s not impressive. Especially in Michigan. Braces is super bored so she plans to take Tyler on a terrible trip to a probable shithole. 

Tyler accidentally calls Catelynn fat to his mom and it’s great! He’s explaining why she was so insecure about going clubbin’ (no g). 

Farrah gets accepted into school. I wish I knew what school it was so I could burn it to the ground. WAIT! It’s another culinary school? WHY DOES SHE NEED TO GO TO TWO? What is wrong with this moron? GOD, DO I HATE HER. (I feel like I need to go to anger management classes just to deal with my anger towards her.)

Now the Farrah’s are in therapy talking about Farrah’s big move to Ft. Lauderdale. Her mom and Michael dad think she’s making a huge mistake by taking Sophia with her to Florida. If we’re talking about what is a mistake, I think it was a huge one that the doctor didn’t kill Farrah during childbirth. The therapist seems to side with Farrah, which makes no sense. It’s like she doesn’t even know Farrah. She’s a ticking time bomb just waiting to kill that baby. Someone needs to have their therapist license revoked. 

I wonder what culinary school Farrah will attend after this one. The culinary trifecta. 

Braces is so excited to tell Lanky about their fancy trip. She’s still wearing her retainer. AREN’T YOU SUPPOSED TO JUST SLEEP IN IT? “I never went skiing,” he says. “I know you never went skiing,” she says back. AND THAT, FOLKS, IS TWO PEOPLE WHO HAVE GRADUATED FROM HIGH SCHOOL IN AMERICA.

Tyler seems so confused by the prospect of staying at a ski resort. (I use the term resort loosely.) It’s like he didn’t know you could pay to spend the night places.

Farrah gets her invisible braces. They’re not invisible, you know. WE CAN ALL SEE THEM, PEOPLE WITH INVISIBLE BRACES. Her mom tells her they make her mouth stick out more. I love her mom’s little jabs. I WISH SHE WOULD HAVE JABBED HER WITH THAT KNIFE A FEW YEARS AGO.

Counseling went well for Vaguely Asian. So she spends the next 19 hours talking to her face-pierced friend about her court date the following day. She’s REAL nervous. She’s planning on cuddling with Leah. She claims they’ve really been bonding lately. You know, after jell and 2 years after she was born. 

Amber’a mom drops off Leah and some meatloaf. Amber puts the meatloaf in the microwave instead of the refrigerator. I can’t concentrate on the next 15 minutes because I’m worried about that meatloaf spoiling. I’m actually less worried and more excited that Vaguely Asian might be poisoned by spoiled meat the following morning. 

Braces and Lanky head to a terrible looking ski resort. Vail, it’s not. (It’s not even that really crappy man-made place by Los Angeles.) Tyler loves skiing. Then they have a heartfelt conversation that they always have, where they talk EVERYTHING IN THEIR LIVES through. This is the same conversation they have daily. At least they didn’t mention Carly. 

Back to Maci. Ryan comes to pick up Bentley and Maci berates him for always going out on his nights with Bentley. Ryan is kind of an idiot. I DON’T EVEN CARE. Yawn and be an idiot all you want, Pretty.

Maci has bow legs. How have I never noticed this?

If I were that slow albino I’d be so bored just talking about Ryan all the time. 

Farrah and her mother have another fight about Florida. Farrah agrees to think about not taking Sophia with her to Culinary School Part 2.

It’s finally the day we’ve all been waiting for- the meeting with Child Protective Services. Amber says she’s been working hard [for 2 days] being a good mom for Leah. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, INDIANA, PLEASE TAKE THIS CHILD AWAY. YOU HAVE HAD 19 CHANCES. 

Braces and Lanky arrive at a “beautiful” bed & breakfast. It has a real toothy proprietor. I HATE IT HERE. I hope they don’t get murdered. Trains keep running by RIGHT outside the window. THIS IS THE MOST TERRIFYING PLACE I’VE EVER BEEN. 

These two idiots talk about what’s changed and why they’re more confident. YOU ARE 18. WHY ARE YOU HAVING THESE CONVERSATIONS? Cool it! I feel like Tyler just always looks trapped. 

Leah has two ear infections and strep throat but, “she’s going to pull through,” Gary tells his mother. Yeah, because it’s not 1876, Fatty. 

Sometimes I wonder if Vaguely Asian has working legs. She doesn’t lock her doors so she can just scream for people to enter when they ring the doorbell. 

I wonder if that meatloaf is still in the microwave. 

Amber still has three more months of CPS coming her to house. But what’s more important is that she’d lose on Cupcake Wars. 

I wonder if that meatloaf is still in the microwave.  

Maci and the slow albino go to a fancy dinner where he doesn’t understand which fork to use. She also pressures him into marriage. He says he isn’t sure he wants Ryan to be in his life anymore. What a pansy fagatron. Maci decides to speak with Yawny-Magoo’s parents to make sure he never contacts her again (yeah, I’m sure she really wants that). And as such, his parents will have to be in charge of the Bentley swap, henceforth. 

Next week on Teen Mom: Amber talks more about jell, BUTCH APPEARS, that crazy bitch Farrah ugly-cries for the entire 44 minutes.