Hey, Lifetime, give CATHY NESBITT and Vivi their own show. I need that. I REALLY NEED THAT.
This episode starts off with Fatty McDance berating the girls for the past weekend’s performance. (Note: I haven’t even started this episode. I’m just guessing that’s how it starts because that’s how it ALWAYS starts.)
The troupe is in Hollywood for the I Hollywood National Finals. I don’t know what that means grammatically. I Hollywood? What? The girls will be competing against a small group of REAL competitors. Kids we’ve seen in movies. Yeah, I’m sure. Also the judges will be
pedophiles people who choreograph TV shows and movies. You know, all those TV shows with dance numbers.
Melissa isn’t at the event to support Maddie. Fatty McDance makes it clear that Melissa doesn’t love Maddie. She loves slutting around with her boyfriend.
Paige might be kicked out of the solo because of the fight between Kelly and Fatty McDance from last week. And because Kelly wants Paige to have a solo as an independent. FATTY WILL HAVE NONE OF THAT. Fatty really loves to hold stuff over the mother’s heads. Get a life, Fats Domino.
All the moms gossip about Melissa banging her boyfriend for money to pay the dance bills. You guys, you’re on TV. She can hear you. We all can.
Kelly is searching for alternate choreographers so her girls can have solos. Fatty McDance is going to kill her [and then eat her] for doing this.
Fatty has a really great (depending on who you ask) surprise for the girls. Some broad (maybe?) named Shangela (also called Laquifa) appears in the room. Everyone screams in excitement. I’m not sure what is happening. Is Shagela/Laquifa something I’m supposed to know?
"Nia is a black diva," Fatty Lee Miller says. Well, she’s black. I don’t know if she’s anything else.
Turns out Laquifa is a dude. Do kids know what trannies are at this age? They seem to love her. (Maybe this is how we get rid of homophobia? [No? OK.])
Laquifa really focuses on Nia. Holly is thrilled about that but still screaming about racism. Cool it, Rosa Parks.
CATHY NESBITT! It looks like her dance studio is on the set of Deliverance. She’s preparing her “dancers” to follow The Fatty Lee Miller Dance Studio to Hollywood. She’s also stalked Chloe and found out what song Chloe is going to be dancing to so her “dancer” can psych Chloe out. Of course CATHY NESBITT didn’t put her “dancer” up against that visionary Maddie.
Fatty McDance gets a call that her mother has been admitted to the hospital in Florida. But she doesn’t leave the competition.
Elsewhere, Kelly is meeting with some hipster creep fagatron to choreograph Paige’s solo. Cut to Fatty McDance who is saying she knows what Kelly is up to, hiring that choreographer.
CATHY NESBITT is rehearsing Dead-Inside-Vivi (I’d be dead inside too if someone ripped me from my motherland in the middle of the night) and some ginger boy. Vivi makes me look like a good dancer.
Chloe seems like a nice little broad. She really wants to win, but she’s also there to have fun. Maddie, on the other hand, is doing the most terrifying dance of all time. It’s about an abused child who eventually kills herself. I feel like Fatty McDance was molested (which would definitely explain her girth) because she loves a dance about abuse.
Paige’s choreographer tells her she’s afraid of something. Probably of Abby eating her for dinner later that evening. She has a breakdown and locks herself in the bathroom. Kelly goes in and shuts that right down.
Fatty McDance and Kelly fight [AGAIN] about the rogue choreographer Kelly has hired.
Fatty and Maddie go to lunch and drink grain alcohol. They also have a really adult conversation about hospitals and medical tests. It’s really uncomfortable to watch. Only children are such creeps. (God, I hate being lumped in with them.)
It’s competition day! It’s the last competition before the finals in Lake Tahoe. In come the Candy Apple weirdos. CATHY NESBITT saunters into the Fatty McDance Studio dressing room to introduce her dancers to Abby’s. I LOVE CATHY NESBITT. She tries to rattle everyone right before they head out to dance. CATHY NESBITT then criticizes Fatty’s choreography.
I think Cathy Nesbitt might actually be evil. “I want to show everyone what Vivi is really capable of,” CATHY NESBITT also says. So not only is she evil but she also has scrambled brains. Vivi isn’t capable of being alive, much less dancing.
Fatty McDance bullies Kelly into pulling Paige’s solo. It’s weird when fat people are the bullies.
Fatty really loves Maddie. It’s both sweet and creepy all at once. I DON’T KNOW HOW TO FEEL. She puts an inordinate amount of pressure on her to perform the hell out of her abuse piece. Of course she does. BECAUSE SHE’S MADDIE AND SHE’S ASTOUNDING. I could watch this bitch dance for days.
Vivi and that weird ginger boy are up next. It looks like if my dog and I did a duet. But if we did a duet and each one of us was missing a leg.
Taylor, the creep from Candy Apple Dance Studio, is the first to perform her solo. TO CHLOE’S MUSIC. Everyone is in pure shock. SO AM I. Even though I knew this was coming. CATHY NESBITT IS INSANE. It’s not shocking though that Taylor sucks. Her teacher is CATHY NESBITT. While CATHY NESBITT might be good at teaching someone to be batshit insane, she’s a terrible dance teacher.
Poor Chloe. Always having her thunder stolen.
The girls perform their group routine, dressed as slutty trannies. Maddie dances circles around her cohorts, per usual. Nia nailed some really painful looking “death drop.” Whatever that means.
The winners are finally announced. It’s so suspenseful. (SERIOUSLY, I’M A MESS.) Abby’s girls win the duet. SUCK IT, VIVI, you crazy bitch. Chloe also wins her group! Congratulations, Chloe.
Maddie came in second in her group. WHAT?!? WHAT?!?!?!? WHAT HAPPENED? Maddie pretends to be happy for the girl who beat her. FAKER.
The group comes in third place. THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE TO FATTY MCDANCE. It’s unacceptable to me, too! Hollywood is the worst.
Next week on DANCE MOMS: some big muscled creep molests everyone [including Fatty McDance]. THAT IS ALL THAT HAPPENS.