The broads are still in Beaver Creek. VANDERPUMP is looking better than ever in her plaid shirt. She’s a vision. She’s judging Taylor for drinking a bottle of wine and crying in the jacuzzi. I’m judging her for that and for being gay for Kyle. If Kyle were to be gay for anyone, Taylor—it wouldn’t be you. 

Kim is laying down (probably after a meth binge) and Taylor runs in and jumps on top of her to talk. Her lips are all that are visible. It’s like they caught a disease in the filthy jacuzzi and blew up even more. The bones in her face jut out everywhere. She’s so sharp. Taylor is crying about her problems. She goes on and on about Adrienne not having any problems. Ol’ Crack Pipe Sue™ (Kim) somehow acts as the voice of reason during this entire conversation. I DON’T UNDERSTAND. 

Taylor apologizes for everything in the past with Kim. I doubt it’s going to stick because no one on earth holds a grudge as long as Crack Pipe Sue™. Except my cat, DeLuca. 

Downstairs some chefs are downstairs preparing a meal for the broads. Kim and Taylor aren’t ready for dinner. Taylor is in Kyle’s suitcase. She makes pouty faces like a broad who knows a molestation or two. Then Taylor goes a little crazier. She’s just drunk, screaming and slamming doors. Adrienne is afraid of what’s happening. I would be too. Crack Pipe Sue™ CONTINUES to be the voice of reason. She tries to get her dressed and made up. Lisa tries to shut down the tears. Taylor is sure her makeup bag is gone. Everyone is searching for it while Taylor cries, screams and her bones cut people who pass her. Turns out her makeup bag isn’t gone. Shocking. 

Everyone stands around looking like they’re afraid for their lives. 

The only one missing from the action is Camille. Why is she never around? 

VANDERPUMP is a sight (a beautiful one) in her midriff-baring lacy shirt. She heads to the kitchen to tell Camille what’s happening with Taylor. What’s happening is that that broad was molested years ago, has been in an abusive relationship and is now having a nervous breakdown. 

“You’re having a nervous breakdown, I can see it,” Adrienne says to Taylor. Then Adrienne goes and whispers about it to VANDERPUMP. “I feel bad for Taylor, but we’re on vacation, come on,” Kyle says. PUT IT IN PERSPECTIVE, KYLE. 

Why is everyone hugging? Cool it. Go drink fancy wine and eat chef-made food, bitches. Everyone is psychoanalyzing this crazy broad. LET ME DO IT FOR YOU. Molestation+beatings=crazy. THE END. 

The chef comes in and really makes things awkward when she starts describing the delicious food while everyone is fighting and crying and cornholing. 

Back in LA, Ken, Mauricio and Paul are hanging out in LA smoking cigars. I wish everyone looked like Mauricio. He’s one good looking bastard. Sadly that creep Russell isn’t at this meeting of the minds. Because he’s creepy. (I mean that’s probably not the real reason.) The boys sit around gossiping about Russell and Taylor. 

Back to the broads, Taylor is defending creepazoid Russell. “He doesn’t cheat on me,” she says. Uh, he beats you up. They all ask her if she thinks she deserves better. No, she doesn’t. No molestation victims believe they deserve better. (If I’ve learned anything from MY STRANGE ADDICTION it’s that fact.)

Taylor cries again. She’s in love with Russell, she says. Does she know him? 

I miss when Camille was a bitch. I really miss it. 

The ladies head home to LA. Crack Pipe Sue™ exclaims that the trip was great for everyone. Was she on the same trip I was just on? It DID NOT SEEM GREAT FOR ANYONE, REALLY. 

In the limo home Kyle and Adrienne gossip about Taylor. Kyle’s wearing her pimp hat again so I can’t take her seriously. I love when people blame someone’s craziness on the altitude. I’m a skiing enthusiast and I’ve never gone batshit crazy from the altitude. 

Camille and her paid friend, Dedra sit around talking about what she misses the most about her divorce. (Spoiler alert: she misses having a partner.) They move on to the Beaver Creek trip. Camille explains all the crying ol’ Crazy Bones™ did. 

Beautiful Mauricio and Kyle go to dinner and just sit around looking pretty together. They also talk about how crazy Taylor is. Mauricio is still mad at Crack Pipe Sue™. He hasn’t forgiven her for all the mean things she said in the limo. I wish someone would explain to me why Crack Pipe Sue™ shouted, “you stole my fucking house” at Kyle last season. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

VANDERPUMP and Ken are looking to expand Sur. Luckily the building next door went out of business. Like everything else in West Hollywood. (Except, thankfully, Unicorn Alley!) Ken is a bit opposed to the vastness of the expansion project. Luckily VANDERPUMP is in charge so she’ll get it done. With her birthday and Christmas trick. 

Adrienne and Paul are planning to fly up to Sacramento for the Kings game. (The Kings are the basketball team, right?) Apparently there is some bad blood between the Kings’ fans and the Maloof family. I don’t really care enough to fully invest my time in paying attention to this. How dangerous can it really be with security guards? Why is Paul so afraid of someone throwing a beer at them? MAN UP, PANSY. 

Back at Crazy Bones’™ house. She’s meeting with her life coach. If life coaches had any sort of real credentials (they don’t) I’d request this one have hers taken away. She’s obviously real good at coaching lives. 
Once again, Taylor is comparing herself to the other broads. HEY BITCH, DON’T EVEN PUT YOURSELF IN THE SAME SENTENCE AS VANDERPUMP. 

Melissa, the life coach, is so dumb. I want to punch her in the face. She tells Taylor she needs a suit of armor. Yeah, she needs an actual suit of armor because her husband beats her up.

Adrienne and Maloof fight again about the safety of this game. Adrienne invited Crack Pipe Sue™ to the game since they haven’t ever spent much time together. I hope someone throws a beer on that broad. 

When Paul and Adrienne arrive at the private airport Crack Pipe Sue™ isn’t there. They call her and she has no idea who Adrienne is. Then she babbles, “I’m so excited to go with you guys. I’m so horrible. I’m so terrible. Terrible. Horrible. I love planes! I was ready to draw my hair into a ponytail, wet.” All that happens. Looks like someone found the drugs. Adrienne decides to hold the plane for Kim. God knows why.

Next week on THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS: black people attack Adrienne’s golden limo, a new broad joins the cast and no one likes her and Taylor has the second part of a 32 part nervous breakdown.