Tonight’s episode is the season finale of TEEN MOM. My heart is very much broken right now. 

Farrah is preparing for Sophia’s second birthday. It seems like only yesterday we were watching her being expunged from her mother’s vagina. 

Farrah is making Sophia’s cake. It looks like Sophia made it herself. (I’m surprised she didn’t.) Didn’t she just graduate from round one of culinary school?!

The family fights over the day of Sophia’s birth. Who was there, who wasn’t there, what kind of pain Farrah was in, why the doctor didn’t put Farrah down when he had the chance. They fight about everything. I hate Farrah so much! 

Farrah wants to implement a tradition where they all get together on Sophia’s birthday. Yeah, that’s called a birthday party. You didn’t invent that, Farrah. I hate you. 

Maci and her look-alike mother get pedicures and talk about The Slow Albino not wanting Ryan in their life anymore. Her mother agrees to pick up Bentley from Ryan’s house when he needs picking up.

Somewhere in a Michigan trailer Catelynn is still gloating about finishing high school. Hey broad, it’s not that difficult. And it appears to be even less difficult in Michigan. Cool it with the bragging. You might be impressing April, but you aren’t impressing anyone else.

Butch has been living in Detroit (Note: I am moving to Detroit tomorrow) due to the no contact rule the STUPID court placed on he and April. HEY COURT, DO YOU NOT HAVE A HEART? Do you know see the love there? 

Braces and Lanky haven’t been seeing much of Butch since he’s been in Detroit. BUT GUESS WHO’S COMING TO DINNER STAY WITH BRACES AND LANKY? BUTCH! They have a real adult conversation about their potential house guest. They make a list of rules he must follow. He can’t bring crack into the house. No illegal activities. Respect the house trailer. No cops! Goddamn narcs, Braces and Lanky are.

Gary is a really great dresser. He’s planning what he’s going to do if the ban on seeing Vaguely Asian is lifted the next day. He’s excited about hugging her. Since I’ve known her I’ve never seen her hug anyone, including Leah. 

Leah and Amber have an adult conversation about why mommy and daddy can’t talk. They do this laying down because Vaguely Asian doesn’t have working legs. 

So…is MTV going to give Butch the spinoff he deserves? 

Butch brought his dog to live in the trailer and he’s also claiming he’s starting out patient rehab on his own. YEAH, I’M SURE, BUTCH. Don’t let them tell you what to do. GO FIND SOME CRACK!

Maci texts Ryan’s mom to ask her to dinner the following night. Then she has a mumbly conversation with the slow albino. Ryan’s mom’s a little bitch and refuses to meet Maci. 

Back in Iowa, Sophia is having a birthday party with her only friends (her mother, her grandmother and her grandfather). Of course, the party turns into Farrah having a breakdown. Knifey Magoo tells Farrah she needs to leave Sophia so she can figure herself out. I feel like Knifey just wants another shot at raising a kid and not screwing it up in such a tremendous way. I don’t know what’s worse for this child. I feel like the best thing to happen would be if she were to be kidnapped by ANYONE else. 

Court was postponed for Amber due to an ice storm. (or God’s way of fixing things?) Jessica comes over and they lay around chatting about court and Gary. Vaguely Asian says every woman she grew up around beat up the men in their lives. She’s decided she’s going to turn things around so Leah doesn’t grow up to be crazy. Good luck.

Maci and the slow albino head to Ryan’s to pick up Bentley. She makes Ryan come outside so they can talk about her new idea of not seeing each other. “It seems kind of retarded,” Ryan says. Tell me about it, Ryan. Just because the slow albino is afraid of that hot piece of ass Ryan doesn’t mean Maci shouldn’t get to see him. 

Farrah and a friend I’ve never met, Alli, meet up to talk about Farrah’s big move. It’s weird that she’s going to talk about this major life decision with a friend she hasn’t seen in years. Farrah tells her she’s moving to Florida for two years, but she’s struggling with the decision whether or not to take Sophia. 

Maci mopes around the house, mumbling with Kyle. Honestly I don’t really know what they’re saying because it doesn’t sound like English. 

Butch makes some terrible drink while they sit around the table discussing the possibility of Carly coming to their graduation. Actual conversation:

Butch: What if I grab this kid and hold her? What am I going to tell her?
Tyler: You’re Butch.
Catelynn: You’re Darl.

Uh. First, why is it still a possibility that Carly is coming? Second, why is Butch going to grab her? Third, why did he change his name from Darl to Butch? Forth, I love you Darl.

Then they talk about how confusing this would all be to Carly. Uh, duh. Butch is both her grandfather and her step-grandfather on the other side. IT’S REAL CONFUSING. I wish Butch was my grandfather and my step-grandfather. 

Gary and his friend Evan sit around talking about Amber and the ol’ no contact rule. Gary doesn’t have a neck. 

Gary says he’s never met anyone else he’s ever felt as strongly about as he feels about Amber. It’s like he’s never met anyone else. “She completes me,” he says, as I burn my copy of JERRY MAGUIRE. 

Catelynn calls her fagatron dad (the one who has no doors on his house) to discuss graduation. She’s concerned about April being around Carly. They both feel like she has to either invite April or Carly. Uh, easy decision: APRIL! I need to see her fancy clothes. 

Farrah and Sophia have a very adult conversation about whether or not Sophia should come with her. STOP TALKING TO YOUR TWO-YEAR-OLD LIKE SHE’S YOUR THERAPIST. Farrah has decided to leave Sophia with Knifey Magoo. Who wants to bet this will change by the end of the episode?

Braces and Lanky have ANOTHER conversation about Carly and graduation. DO THEY EVER TALK ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE? 

The ice storm has ceased in Indiana (God stopped crying frozen tears?) so court is back in session. Amber’s scary mom drives her to court to see if she and Fatty can finally embrace [whilst lying down, of course]. They revised the no contact order. They can go on dates and bang and stuff, but they can’t be around each other with Leah. IT’S A REAL EXCITING DAY IN INDIANA! “I changed a long-ass time ago,” Amber says when her mother tells her they need to be on their best behavior. OK. Sure. 

Farrah and her mother take Sophia to the ugliest store I’ve ever seen to buy her the ugliest dress I’ve ever seen. Farrah decides to tell Knifey that she’ll be leaving Sophia with Knifey and Michael. They [vaguely] embrace in the dressing room. 

Braces and Lanky write Theresa and Brandon an email letting them know that they think it’s best if Carly doesn’t come to graduation. THANK GOD! Not for Carly’s sake but for my sake. I really need to see April in her dress clothes. 

THEN THIS HAPPENS!

A voice of an angel!

Gary also has a framed portrait of Audrey Hepburn on his mantle. CLASS ACT!

Ryan’s dad tells him he needs another trade. (Does he already have one trade?) Then Ryan yawns a few times. He also texts Maci to apollogize for all the fighting, which makes the slow albino REAL jealous. 

The next day Ryan, Maci and Bentley go to coffee together to talk about how they can get along. The only time Maci even appears to be alive is around Ryan. She’s a giggly Sue around that pretty, yawny face. No wonder the slow albino is jealous. 

Farrah takes Sophia on a tour of all the spots that meant something to her and her babydaddy. Sophia sleeps the entire time while Farrah talks. I have these same conversations with my dog Monkey when he’s in the car with me. I tell him I hope he doesn’t get pregnant too early or he won’t grow into his own person dog.

I hope Knifey Magoo sells Sophia when Farrah leaves. 

GARY CALLS AMBER AND SINGS/PLAYS HIS LOVE SONG HE WROTE FOR VAGUELY ASIAN. “You’re trippin’,” she says when he calls to sing it. She just rolls her eyes. “I’m a man alone with his thoughts,” he says. Then they fight about jumping back into the relationship and if they really want to be with each other. That was the most confusing phone call I’ve ever been part of.

Butch didn’t come home the night before so Braces and Lanky are worried. April comes over and says Butch went to prison. “Dropping dirty?” Tyler asks? “Huh?” I ask? USE TERMS THAT CHILDREN OF NON-DRUG ADDICTS KNOW, PLEASE. April is a real mess. She’s crying and showing emotions we’ve never seen. (Note: we’ve only ever seen the rage emotion.) Of course Catelynn brings this all back to Carly. God forbid we discuss ANYTHING and not have it lead back to Carly. 

April smokes in a dog’s face and drinks a beer. Isn’t she supposed to be sober? (Who am I kidding. She’s probably dropping dirty. [I have no idea what that means.])

Now that Ryan is no longer an issue (meaning he’s no longer going to be fighting all the time with Maci, supposedly), she wants to find out where she and the slow albino stand. He says “maybe” to all of her questions about marriage and the future. DUMP THIS CREEP, MACI. She says she can’t wait too long for him to make up his mind on the future. Why is she so gungho about marrying this idiot? He’s useless. 

Next week on TEEN MOM: THERE IS NO NEXT WEEK ON TEEN MOM AND I’M DEVASTATED. (If anyone knows Butch can you please email me to update me on his dropping dirty situation. Also, maybe fill me in on what dropping dirty means.)