I hate when actors play character with the same name as their real name. I just assume the actor is too dumb to remember a character name.
This show starts off on Labor Day in Southampton, NY. It looks like the engagement party for Emily (Emily Vancamp) and her fiance, Daniel. Some fagatron named Nolan, apparently, shouldn’t be there. “That makes two of us,” he says to Emily all scary-like. Um, you’re too ugly to also be scary.
Ugh, Connor Paolo (Gay-Eric from Gossip Girl) is in this? I hope they kill him off in this episode. He’s playing a straight kid so it’s really hard to believe. He starts to have sex on a beach, but someone they call “8 Mile” interrupts them. Turns out Eminem has discovered (or killed or something) a body on the beach. GUESS WHO IT IS? Oh, it’s just Daniel. Victoria (Who knew Madeleine Stowe was still alive?) is giving a speech in honor of the engaged couple when Gay-Eric stumbles upon the body and starts screaming.
Cut to five months earlier, Emily is being shown a Hamptons house for rent. Emily appears to know the house. She sees some stupid carving in the wood on the balcony. Then she has a flashback to her childhood on the same balcony. Apparently her mom died. I WONDER WHO KILLED HER. The house is right next to Grayson Manor which would be scary looking if it wasn’t so beautiful looking.
I really like Emily’s stripped shirt she wears while moving into the house and I spend the next 10 minutes admiring it and not paying much attention.
The token blackish/asianish/British character comes by to see the house and establish that Emily’s character has enough money to blow on $10,000 a pop dinner tickets.
Victoria and her husband are apparently the Grayson’s, as they are sitting around drinking coffee and spying on the new renter. They have an asshole daughter who is kind of a slut.
The token blackish/asianish/British character is meeting with some rich broads at the Grayson Manor. I only know they are rich because they are sitting around talking about Van Gogh. If I know anything it’s that rich people talk about Van Gogh.
Victoria tells Lydia that she’s sorry she and Michael broke up. Lydia is pissed she might have to sell their beach house. Victoria tells her not to let any of the other broads see her weakness because they’ll use it against her.
Then the Angus and Julia Stone plays again. Did they write this show? What’s happening?
More flashbacks. Can someone tell me why she’s seeking revenge? I AM BORED WAITING TO FIND OUT.
Lydia wanders up to Emily on the beach. Lydia’s last name is Davis and I spend the next 10 minutes thinking about how much I like Lydia Davis’ (the writer) work.
Apparently Lydia’s house is the one Emily is renting.
IMPORTANT INFORMATION ALERT: Lydia Davis (the character, not the writer) apparently testified in a major trial against David Clarke (Emily’s dad) in 1995. Lydia was Clarke’s secretary. Somehow the Grayson’s were also involved but I have rewound it too many times and I’m still not able to figure it out. Mr. Grayson was Clarke’s boss. The Grayson’s set up Clarke and blamed him for funneling money to a terrorist organization that brought down a jetliner that killed 246 Americans. THAT WAS ALL VERY COMPLICATED.
THIS SHOW IS EXHAUSTING ME.
The flashbacks show the FBI raiding the Hamptons house. Obviously all these assholes set up David Clarke. (Note: He also banged Lydia and Emily likes to look at pictures of them. I think that’s creepy.)
The token blackish/asianish/British character (Ashley) is really stressed out setting up for the million dollar art auction she’s setting up for, Sounds really stressful. Emily is just wandering around town being creepy. She paid a lot of attention to some waitress named Becky.
The ol’ prodigal son, Daniel, returns. Victoria, his mother, and his sister both kind of act like they might want to bang him. I don’t like him. His dad, Conrad, is apparently banging Lydia. Lydia is such a whore. Conrad has a heart attack post-banging.
I like the poor boat captain (Jack). He also acts as the town bartender. Some rich man named Mr. Reed comes in to meet with Jack’s dad.
Emily sees Jack and remembers him from her childhood. She also remembers his dog, who is apparently, the oldest dog on Earth.
Victoria rushes to the hospital to see Conrad. He didn’t have a heart attack, just some stomach thing. What? The doctor blows his cover and tells Victoria that Conrad was at the South Fork Inn. SHE IS NOT PLEASED. MADELEINE STOWE IS SO SCARY. I wouldn’t cross her.
It’s the day of the fancy art party. Everyone is laughing and drinking and cornholing on a docked boat. It’s not even a yacht. It kind of looks like a barge. It’s like the production designer is poor.
Emily sets her sights on Daniel. Daniel apparently killed a broad he was banging when he drunk drove into a tree but his family paid everyone off so all is well in Daniel’s life.
Emily seems to hate Victoria the most. So she’s apparently our number 1 villain. I AM ALREADY SO SCARED OF HER.
Emily is introduced to Victoria while Lydia is standing right there. Emily tells Lydia it’s great to see her and she hopes her husband is doing OK after the whole medical debacle at the South Fork Inn. Emily knows good and well that it’s Victoria’s husband. Victoria storms off. AGAIN, I AM SO SCARED OF THE MADELEINE STOWE WRATH.
Elsewhere at the party, Emily “accidentally” spills what appears to be a cosmopolitan (WHAT YEAR IS IT?) on Daniel so they can meet. They’re all flirty and googley-eyed at each other.
Victoria puts on a happy face and makes a speech about fancy art and fancy parties. She also announces that Lydia’s beach house is on the market and that it’s the last week Lydia will spend in the Hamptons. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again—don’t cross Madeleine Stowe.
After the party Emily and Daniel sit around on the barge and talk and giggle. He tells her Harvard jokes and another Angus and Julia Stone song plays. SERIOUSLY? DO THEY OWN THIS SHOW? He also uses the word “epically” so I hate him even more. He sees her double infinity tattoo. That’s the same symbol that was scratched into the beach house she’s renting. Also, why is it now dawn? There is no way this barge party went on all night. It doesn’t even make sense.
Conrad and Victoria fight at their house. He’s upset she exiled Lydia. She’s upset he banged her best friend. I kind of think the exile was warranted. Call me crazy. Then they fight about the fact that they ruined a man’s life together 16 years ago.
Nolan Ross sits around on his iPad watching surveillance videos of the party. I have no idea why. I hope this show isn’t all about secrets and twists like PRETTY LITTLE LIARS.
Nolan comes into Emily’s house and welcomes her home. HE RECOGNIZES HER! She beats the hell out of him. He claims to be on her side because he hates the Grayson’s as much as she does.
Then we cut to Emily (formerly Amanda Clarke, apparently) in prison, with brown hair. Everyone knows only brunettes go to jail. She’s being picked up from jail by some dude who breaks the news that he died 6 weeks ago. He also gives her a box filled with answers, a key that opens a lockbox in Zurich and some journals explaining everything. She also finds out she’s a partner in some fancy business.
Then Emily poisons Lydia. It is awesome and I can’t wait to see who she kills next week!