Mondays are a joyous occasion for once in my life. 

Last week’s episode ended with Kim in a drugged stupor talking about how much she loves planes. SO I AM SO EXCITED FOR TONIGHT. 

This week opens with Kim on the phone with Adrienne again. She was supposed to be on her way to the private plane, but she doesn’t even know who she’s talking to on the phone and she has no makeup on. She claims she’ll be there in 15 minutes. Somehow she arrives. I mean I guess she arrives. Something arrives. She’s a mess. She’s wearing a white pimpish suit. She claims the power was out on her whole block, but then she says she went to her neighbors house to get ready. I think her meth lab just exploded or something. 

On the plane to Sacramento Kim proceeds to gossip about the ski trip. She makes fun of VANDERPUMP’S AWESOME WHITE FUR HAT. Um, you have no right. YOU HAVE NO RIGHT. 

Adrienne tells Kim that the night might be a little tough because the fans want to kill the Maloof family. Kim is prepared to fight. I HOPE IT COMES TO THAT. 

In Beverly Hills Kyle and her ladysiter, Justin, are setting up her new house and preparing for a cocktail party to raise money for a children’s cancer charity. Let’s go back to the fact that she has a ladysitter. I like his plaid shirt. It looks nice on his chocolate skin, too. 

Kyle calls VANDERPUMP to ask for a donation for the silent auction. Of course she agrees to donate because SHE IS A SAINT. 

Back in Sacramento, everyone is on edge. Except Kim because she’s got too many drugs in her system to feel any sort of emotion, least of all stress. Adrienne is talking about how hard change is and how difficult it will be to move the Kings from Sacramento. Kim knows EXACTLY how she feels. She also hates change and new restaurants. But then she spots some chocolate and she forgets about everything. 

VANDERPUMP, Ken and Giggy are meeting with their business partners at Sur to talk about the possibility of the expansion. VANDERPUMP tells the partners that it’s going to be stressful and the hours will be long so they need to be prepared. Why are the hours going to be longer just because the restaurant is bigger? They aren’t going to be building the expansion themselves. Why am I questioning what VANDERPUMP is saying? She’s a wizard!

Ugh. Taylor heads to Kyle’s house. KYLE’S [big] DOG IS SO GREAT, I WANT TO STEAL IT. I wonder if Taylor will cry? She is there to talk about an article on the internet about her marriage. She is angry and wants to know who leaked it. (Probably Kim.) Kyle thinks it’s the help. Taylor says it can’t be because her help all signed confidentiality agreements. Does she know how many confidentiality agreements I’ve signed and then broken hours after? (At least 12.)

Taylor thinks the “spy” is VANDERPUMP. YOU WATCH YOUR WHORE MOUTH, YOU BIGGED LIPPED MONSTER. VANDERPUMP WOULD NEVER!

In Sacramento protestors that could also be hobos (or maybe citizens of Sacramento just look like that?) are outside picketing the arena. I didn’t even know the Kings were a team so who knew there would be so much outrage that they might move from Sacramento? Luckily Adrienne has Johnnie, her bodyguard. They get booed as they walk to their suite. (Can someone tell me if the Kings are moving? Now I seem to care.)

Kim is talking about horses and a broad decked out in Louis Vuitton. She doesn’t even know she’s at a basketball game. Paul is trying to shut her up but she’s so far gone that it’s impossible. 

Adrienne tells her bodyguard that she wants to be down on the floor. She doesn’t want to hide. I doubt someone is going to kill her. They just boo her and shout at her to have a heart. They head to the floor and no on really does anything. It’s really anticlimactic. 

After the game Paul carries all the purses like he’s a woman. He kind of is.

Camille! I’ve missed her antics. She’s shopping with her paid friend for paddleboards and wetsuits for her kids and herself. I LOVE PADDLE BOARDING. I wish she’d take me to Hawaii. 

Back at Kyle’s house, she’s rounding up all of her dogs and kids and that hot husband of hers. She’s also still preparing for the charity event. She’s a stressed out disaster.

VANDERPUMP is at Villa Blanca preparing for the lunch rush. She’s replaced Cedric at the restaurant with a very handsome gentleman. But she hasn’t replaced him in her heart. HOW COULD ANYONE BREAK THAT AMAZING HEART LIKE HE DID?

Kyle’s party setting up is underway. It’s at “Glenn’s restaurant.” Whoever Glenn is. Kyle is frantically trying to prepare. Camille won’t be there because she’s in Hawaii and Kim won’t be there because “she’s tired.” 

Later that night at the party, Hot Mauricio compliments the lovely VANDERPUMP. VANDERPUMP doesn’t like the setting of the party. “It’s at some godforsaken place in the back of a mall,” she says. I LOVE HER!

Guess who’s coming to dinner at the party? THE MORALLY CORRUPT FAYE RESNICK. Also, Taylor’s bones are there. VANDERPUMP addresses the fact that Taylor needs to eat and she (Taylor) sees this as evidence that VANDERPUMP is the leak. Uh, cool it, Bones Magoo.

VANDERPUMP tells Taylor [again] that she’s concerned about all of her bones jutting out everywhere and also how she cries at every social gathering. Taylor is angry. Hey bitch, VANDERPUMP cares. Stop being a jerk. She’s offering to help you.

I NEVER WANT TO SEE TAYLOR DANCE AGAIN. It’s like watching Skeletor shove itself into a dress and then pretend to be sexy on a dance floor. 

Adrienne brings some really tall slut with a broken leg to the party. Her name is Brandi and VANDERPUMP already hates her because she’s seen pictures of her out and about with Cedric. So I, of course, already hate her too. Because VANDERPUMP does and because she looks like a tranny prostitute. 

It turns out Brandi is the new housewife. She’s Eddie Cibrian’s ex-wife. You know, the one he cheated on with Leann Rimes. Everyone at the party is gossiping about Brandi. Paul thinks the other women are jealous because Brandi is younger and prettier. She may younger but she’s certainly not prettier [than Kyle and VANDERPUMP]. Paul is an idiot. Also, why is this Brandi broad even here? No moneyed lady in Beverly Hills is named Brandi. Especially with that i. 

Taylor is still trying to be a sleuth and figure out who leaked the story about her marriage to the press. She speaks to a publicist who pretty much blames Lisa. I hope Lisa takes him out back later and shoots him. He is too creepy to be alive. 

Next week on THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS: Jesse Pinkman makes a delivery to Kim’s house, Allison Dubois comes back [at least in my dreams] and Brandi is arrested for solicitation because she’s spotted out in this outfit: