I tend to not like reunion specials because they just rehash scenes I’ve already seen, but I’m giving this one a chance in hopes that Vaguely Asian punches Dr. Drew or something. I also hope Butch got out of jail long enough to swing by the studio to be interviewed. 

I can’t stand Dr. Drew. I think he’s detrimental to society. He’s also wearing a hideous outfit.

Not to beat an old horse to death (is that a saying? If not, now it is.) but how has Maci not seen a dermatologist since I’ve known her? 

Dr. Drew asks if other girls in their situation (read: teen sluts) reach out to them. Maci says girls thank her for showing them that they can do it. Uh, how is she showing people she can do it? She’s taking care of a child and an albino all whilst barely skimming by in community college. She’s being thanked for that? I hate Earth. 

Vaguely Asian says she gets a lot of negative feedback. I have no idea why. 

Farrah gets a lot of supportive feedback. Of course she does. It’s all coming from her one friend, Sophia. Farrah just imagines the conversations in her mind since Sophia can’t actually speak.

Catelynn likes to go to the hospital with other teen moms. That’s not creepy. Girls on Facebook reach out to her about adoption. She’s not really an adoption specialist. She seems to think that adoption means giving your child to someone else but then referencing said child all day, every day. (That’s not usually how it works, girls.)

Then they cut to a video looking back and the season’s highs and lows. (My favorite high was when April said, “your dad went to prison, dude.”)

OK, cool it with the scenes that I’ve already seen. 

Dr. Drew asks Maci what’s up with Bentley’s pacifier. I ASKED THAT LAST WEEK. He’s nearly an adult and he still has it. That said, I carried my blankie around until I was like 22 so who am I to judge?

Next up, Drew asks Catelynn what her career plans are. You mean, she plans on doing something other than working at that jewelry store? I HOPE SHE DOESN’T SAY SHE WANTS TO BE A TEACHER. OH NO! She does. She wants to be a pre-school teacher. Or maybe an adoption specialist. PLEASE DON’T LET HER TEACH.

Leah has finally learned to use a toilet. I don’t have kids but it doesn’t seem all that impressive considering her age. She also likes to rip all of her clothes off and run around the house after going to the bathroom. Get in line, Leah, I’ve been doing that for years. (Note: I don’t know how safe it is for her to be doing that considering the kind of gentlemen Amber likes to bring home.)

Drew seperates the broads and interviews them by themselves. He starts with Farrah. Maybe she and Drew will kill each other. He shows some scenes of her yelling at her mother and Michael. This could go on for days. She also cries throughout the clip montage. Drew asks her about her decision to move to Florida without Sophia. She hasn’t left yet, but she is leaving soon.

“It seems like you don’t have any friends,” he says to her. Full of tact, that Dr. Drew. It’s true though. Her only friend is Sophia and half the time Sophia is in some sort of dangerous predicament. He asks if her friend abandoned her. She says they didn’t but it’s hard to find real friends. Probably because you’re such an asshole. She claims it’s because people her age aren’t mature enough to understand what she’s been through. She also says she doesn’t feel like making plans with people. (OH MY GOD, AM I FARRAH?) 

Dr. Drew asks her about her decision to leave Sophia when she moves to Florida for round two of culinary school. Apparently she’s not leaving Sophia. She’s just leaving her for two weeks to get setup in Florida. Then she’s getting her back. What? I thought that Sophia was going to be safe for longer than that? Farrah hasn’t told her mother, Knifey Magoo, of this plan. Luckily Knifey (nee Debra) is backstage so NOW SHE KNOWS! 
They bring Knifey out to discuss the move. Knifey is surprised that Farrah has decided Sophia is only staying with her for two weeks. She’s really confused. I don’t really know what there is to be confused about. Your daughter is an idiot. She thinks she can raise a child alone. She’s not letting you have her. The end, Knifey. 

Apparently Farrah made this decision RIGHT now during the interview. She’s really an idiot. She never thinks anything through. Knifey is giving her a blow by blow of how expensive all of this is going to be. She’s going to have to sell Sophia. Dr. Drew is trying to talk her into having Sophia stay with Knifey and Michael. Knifey is updating Farrah’s room into a bedroom for Sophia. Farrah is pissed because there are so many memories in that bedroom. You know, of getting pregnant and stuff. Farrah has a breakdown and does that ugly cry she’s so into doing. She can’t seem to get past the fact that things aren’t going the way she dreamed of as a child. Uh, get in line, bitch. I wanted to be Brandon Tartikoff when I was a kid. You don’t see me crying because I’m not. (You don’t see it because I do it in private, in the dark.)

It’s Amber time! Vaguely Asian looks vaguely-asianer than ever before. Dr. Drew shows clips of her beating up Gary and laying down. She says it’s emotional, yet she shows no signs of life, let alone emotion. I wonder if she’s having trouble sitting upright for this long? Drew asks her about the domestic violence charges. She says she has three felonies and one misdemeanor. Who doesn’t, Amber? YOU AREN’T SPECIAL. She’s facing three years in jail. I HOPE THAT HAPPENS. (I’m sure it won’t.) She says people just aren’t forgiving. Gary certainly seems to be. He keeps coming back and letting her beat him up. Dr. Drew asks her to respond to her critics, but she she can’t because she has too much hate for everyone. (Her words.) She looks like she’s about to snap. If I liked Dr. Drew I’d be fearing for his life right now. 

It’s always so weird to me when mother’s (or fathers. or adults.) have face piercings. Cool, nose ring. 

She has a lot of rage towards the people who think Leah should be taken away from her. She also says she and Gary have been trying to work things out. NOT ACCORDING TO HIS FACEBOOK (We’re obviously friends):

Dr. Drew asks her the question [THAT I HAVE BEEN ASKING FOR YEARS] about if she feels like this show is glamorizing teen pregnancy. I have a lot to say on this matter. But my short answer is yes. When dumb whores see that Vaguely Asian is bringing in $250,000 a year despite being a slut without a high school education they think it’s awesome and they want to do the same. (This is why American should just set itself on fire and burn to the ground.) 

Vaguely Asian disagrees. Of course she does. We never agree on anything. She says her story is far from glamorous. Dr. Drew gives girls more credit than they deserve. He says they’re smarter than we think. NO THEY AREN’T. GIRLS ARE STUPID AND THEY WANT TO BE WHORES ON THE TELEVISION. You are so stupid, Dr. Drew.

Drew then brings up Amber’s sister who died from SIDS. I still think Amber killed her. Then he asks her what her childhood was like. She says her mom worked a lot and she was ignored. DUH. I could have told you that.

Gary comes out and Dr. Drew blames Gary for pushing Vaguely Asian’s buttons. COOL IT, DR. DREW. Gary is a saint. He’s a saint who drags televisions down flights of stairs while his baby mama is kicking him. Why is Dr. Drew taking VA’s side? 

I like Gary’s shorts.

Vaguely Asian yells at Gary about the birthday party debacle. She has already forgotten she promised Dr. Drew [three minutes ago] that she would not say mean things to Gary. She’s so stupid. There is no doubt that she will be serving time on murder charges within the next 10 years. (Probably 5. [Who am I kidding, it’s going to be in the next 16 months.])

Gary says he’s in love with Amber. But when she’s asked the same question she pauses for 6 minutes. Then she doesn’t really answer. Gary needs to stop going back to this broad. 

I’m bored with Amber, but they’ve decided to bring out Tanya, her mother. She claims she’s always tried to be in Vaguely Asian’s life. Uh, you’re her mother. You’ve TRIED? Then they bring up the baby who was murdered by Amber died of SIDS. No one really wants to talk about it. Probably because they don’t want to draw attention to the evidence. Also, she says they couldn’t afford to have a phone. YOU HAD TWO CHILDREN BUT YOU COULDN’T PAY $15 A MONTH FOR A PHONE?!?! Why are people so terrible? WHY CAN’T WE STERILIZE HUMANS? 

On the next TEEN MOM FINALE SPECIAL: CHECK-UP WITH DR. DREW: Dr. Drew gives Maci a subscription to Proactiv, the Albino pretends like he’s tough enough to beat up hot Ryan for saying bad things about Maci and Butch asks me to marry him. (Spoiler alert: I say yes.)