Last week was a terrible week. What with DANCE MOMS on hiatus and everything. WHY DID THAT HAPPEN? 

The girls are in Lake Tahoe for the dance nationals. It all comes down to this week. I’M SO EXCITED AND NERVOUS. 

The girls are learning a new group routine. Bad news, there are props. That never turns out well. Abby does her usual and berates them for the past week’s errors. THEY NEED TO PROVE THEY ARE THE CHAMPIONS SHE HAS TRAINED. Step up, bitches. 

Paige, Mackenzie, and Nia are in the bottom. Brooke and Chloe are on the second level and surprise, surprise Maddie is on the top. Maddie is also doing a solo and a duet with Chloe. Chloe also gets a solo. Paige and Brooke (the sisters) will be doing a duet. They better not fight like sisters. 

The piece this week is called THIS IS MY BEAUTY. It’s about being beautiful on the inside. Like that’s real. No one buys that crap. IT’S HOW YOU LOOK ON THE OUTSIDE. They are using mirrors as props. I hope no one breaks one and cuts Fatty McDance.

The moms go outside and don’t drink grain alcohol. Melissa announces she and her honey (her word, certainly not mine) are going on vacation. She’s REAL excited like they’re going to Paris or something. They’re just going to Florida. BIG DEAL. 

Christi is judging her for always leaving her kids to go places with her honey. 

Chloe’s solo is called ANOTHER SEASON. It’s about rebirth and whatnot. I don’t care. Where is Maddie?

Chloe loves her solo. She always does because she’s a good egg. Christi notices something is wrong with Chloe. She doesn’t have her usual Chloe shine. It turns out she doesn’t want to dance anymore. I wouldn’t want to always come in second either.

Fatty McDance calls the mothers in to tell them what their daughters need to work on. How many more times does she need to tell Nia and Holly that Nia needs to work on her footwork. Holly isn’t pleased when Fatty calls her a brick wall. Then she tells everyone AGAIN that she’s a teacher. We don’t care. YOU AREN’T IMPRESSING US, HOLLY. 

Chloe needs to work on her confidence. She doesn’t have confidence because Fatty McDance has beaten it out of her.

Brooke doesn’t have the ability to comprehend group routines. “They’re slow,” she says, about both of Kelly’s kids. Total idiots she birthed. Kelly asks Fatty if she wants the crown back that Brooke just won. “You can take the crown and shove it up your ass,” Kelly says, right before getting dismissed from the room by Fatty McDance. 

During the group rehearsal Abby notices Chloe has no enthusiasm. She’s not pleased, but she doesn’t say anything. It’s really very un-Fatty McDance of Fatty McDance. 

Chloe and Maddie’s duet is Black Swan. Chloe is the black one. She’s excited to be playing a bad “character” for once. I think she might also want to Black Swan Maddie in real life. So there’s that. 

After rehearsal Fatty takes the girls (minus the moms) to the lake to relax for a bit. Before they leave Christi tells Fatty that Chloe told her she doesn’t want to dance anymore. Fatty just says there’s a whole list of people who are waiting to take her place so she doesn’t care. She’s such a fat bitch.

At the lake Fatty tells them they need to see the world. So she shows them a lake and then stretches them out in a park. It is so creepy. It gets worse. She makes them shout, “I AM BEAUTIFUL ON THE INSIDE.” Then she takes Chloe off by herself. She left a bunch of children alone in a park. Parks are notorious for being rapist’s workplaces. Nice work, Fats. 

She tells Chloe that she’s born to dance. She just needs more confidence. Chloe asks if she thinks she’ll ever be good enough to be on Broadway. Fatty tells her if she keeps dancing she’ll be good enough. It’s so moving. I AM CRYING. 

When the girls return from the lake their moms take them bowling. All of a sudden Kurt, a nice gentleman in knock-off Ed Hardy, wanders in. Kurt is Maddie’s dad. He heard Melissa is going on vacation and hadn’t told him. SO HE FLEW ALL THE WAY TO LAKE TAHOE TO DISCUSS IT? (There’s not even a real airport in Tahoe so that’s a pretty big trip to make.) Kurt says dance is the main reason their marriage broke up. This should be fun to watch unfold. 

Fatty McDance sends Brooke and Paige into a room with a guest choreographer while Fatty and another ABBY LEE MILER DANCE STUDIO teacher stay in to rehearse Maddie. Kelly is none too pleased about this crap. MADDIE, MADDIE, MADDIE. IT’S ALWAYS ABOUT MADDIE. Kelly says this is the reason Maddie always wins. It also has a lot to do with Maddie being a prodigy. COOL IT, KELLY. 

Kelly and Fatty McDance fight through the wall, screaming back and forth at one another. Finally Fatty summons her into Maddie’s studio and they continue to fight. 

Is Brooke a dwarf?

Kelly leaves in an uproar with her kids. She’s going to let them enjoy the pool. Because of this Fatty McDance threatens to pull their duet from the national competition. Kelly always turns into her own worst enemy. 

It’s finally the day of competition. Kurt is still there since Melissa is on vacation. He’s making Maddie nervous. DO NOT SCREW THIS UP FOR HER, KURT. He barely acknowledges Mackenzie. Story of her life. 

Maddie is the first to perform her solo. (I’M CRYING. WHY IS SHE SO GOOD?) That’s going to be tough to beat. When she gets offstage Chloe hugs her and seems genuinely excited for the performance. Then she talks about all the pressure she’s under to be as good. She makes me cry too. WHY AM I CRYING SO MUCH? (I think I need to have my hormone levels checked out.)

Chloe is up next and the unthinkable happens. She forgets her routine. It’s heartbreaking. No, seriously it is. She’s such a nice little broad. 

Fatty McDance is really mad. She says Chloe should have known to run off the stage. Once she is off the stage she has a meltdown. Maddie consoles her. Christi runs back to do the same. I AM REALLY UPSET FOR HER. I’m crying again. (I just left a message for my doctor.)

Maddie comes in first. It’s getting old. Her 9 crowns aren’t really fitting on her shelf anymore. Luckily Melissa is handy and can build her a new shelf. 

Next up are the duos. Apparently Fatty didn’t pull Brooke and Paige’s routine. They do their stupid usual acrobatics but it sucks. Neither one of them were ready, according to Fatty. 

Black Swan is next. Chloe is really worried about messing up again. Bitch better not ruin it for Maddie. SHE NEEDS HER 10TH CROWN. 

They’re amazing together. They were outstanding. Chloe really redeemed herself. 

Kelly is still complaining about the attention Maddie and Chloe got compared to her girls. GET A LIFE. I’m sick out your mouth.

Paige and Brooke came in 5th. Were their only 5 duets? Of course, Paige and Maddie came in first. I mean, how could it have even been a competition? 

The girls are preparing for the group routine. Fatty McDance tells them if their tops fall off they need to just keep dancing. That’s cool. 

Kurt tries to go backstage to see Maddie, but Fatty shuts that down. She says he works Maddie up. She says she made Maddie the dancer she is. He says he’s going to do his best to get Maddie out of her studio next year. I WISH THEY BOTH HAD KNIVES. This fight would be a hell of a lot more interesting. 

The girls dance. It’s mostly Maddie and Chloe dancing with the others just kind of doing stuff behind them. As it should be. I’m not really impressed by this. Nia is especially terrible. How is she rhythm-less? 

Only 1 point separates first and second place. THIS IS MY BEAUTY WINS. Everyone is really excited, most of all Fatty McDance. Not so much for the girls but because now no one will ever forget the name FATTY LEE MCDANCE MILLER. 

Abby has a surprise for the girls. They’re going back to LA. The moms don’t know why. Abby is probably selling the girls into some sort of sex slavery. 

Next week on DANCE MOMS: Fatty McDance sells the girls into some sort of sex slavery.