Do you guys think Dr. Drew will ask Catelynn about Carly? I DO! I’m so over Carly.

Part 2 starts where part 1 left off, with Amber storming off in tears when Dr. Drew brings up her sister. Drew chases her, she comes back and he tells us some SIDS statistics that SCARES ME OUT OF EVER HAVING A CHILD. 

I really love Vaguely Asian’s nose ring. Know what I hate? Amber’s mom’s voice. WHAT IS SHE SAYING? It’s like she’s both drunk and has a mouth full of potatoes. I THINK she says that she asked Vaguely Asian if she and Fatty were banging when they were 16. Did she expect Vaguely Asian to tell the truth? She’s a sociopath. The truth isn’t really in her realm of thought. 

Drew boots them right off the stage so he can bring out Braces and Lanky. He tells us that children born to teens are twice as likely to suffer abuse. I’m no doctor, but I could have told you that. SHOCKING STATISTIC, DR. DREW. He applauds Braces and Lanky for making the decision to put their baby up for adoption. I WISH HE’D ADDRESS HOW CREEPY IT IS THAT ALL THEY DO, 3 YEARS LATER, IS LAY AROUND TALKING ABOUT HER. 

It’s nice that Lanky paid for those two diamond earrings, but didn’t think to pay his rent. (They were evicted for their 40¢ a month apartment a few months back.) He’s a wizard.

Dr. Drew asks them where they’d be if they had kept Carly. Braces said she wouldn’t have graduated high school. DUH! She barely accomplished that without a child. 

Then they show an hour worth of CLIPS I’VE ALREADY SEEN: the duo talking about Carly, Butch talking about Carly, April talking about Carly, Lanky wanting to go clubbin’ (no g), Butch dropping dirty whilst talking about Carly, etc.

BUTCH’S HAIR IS A MASTERPIECE. 

They come back from the clip montage and Catelynn is crying. She says it’s because of the scenes with her dad. Why, because he’s gay? Because the visit was so short. I would like bring up [once again] that his house has no doors. That has nothing to do with this recap, but HIS HOUSE HAS NO DOORS. 

Drew asks them how their relationship is now. Braces is quick to announce that it’s great. It’s like she didn’t see how not in love Lanky was with her this season. He kind of hates her. He still seems uncertain. “Tyler gets these crazy thoughts! ‘What if I’m 60 and have never dated anyone else,” Braces says. UM, THAT’S NOT A CRAZY THOUGHT! HE HAS NEVER DATED ANYONE ELSE. THIS DOESN’T EVEN MAKE SENSE. This relationship is never going to work. Tyler is still panicked about this. “It makes me think he’s going to dip out one day and go screw all these women,” she says. WHO SAYS SCREW? (Who says dip out?)

Tyler totally hates Catelynn. 

Catelynn won’t shut up about her weight. In 8th grade she finally got down to her goal weight and then blew it by getting pregnant. 8th grade! I am so glad that I learned to drive before I learned how to expunge a child from my uterus. 

There’s very little talk of Butch. I’m really upset that no one bailed him out of jail for this occasion. He’s probably on some sort of Do-Not-Fly List though. Everyone just wants to keep my man down. 

APRIL IS HERE. I AM SO EXCITED ABOUT THIS. 

April and Braces talk about how their relationship has progressed. April looks like she’s been in a meth factory for the past few days weeks hours. I LOVE THIS BROAD SO MUCH I CAN’T TAKE IT. She’s wearing a REAL low cut top. 

April talks about having to mourn Carly. WE ALL DID, APRIL. (I still am.) She says she and Braces are now 100% better. She claims that wizard Butch was barking in her ear to make her feel the way she felt about the adoption. She regrets listening to Butch. SCREW YOU. BUTCH IS GREAT AND HE ONLY SPEAKS THE TRUTH. 

Butch is back in jail because he violated the no contact rule. SO HE DIDN’T DROP DIRTY? Apparently they will still have a no contact rule when he gets out next time. GO TO HELL, JUDICIAL SYSTEM. YOU CAN’T STOP LOVE, BITCH!

I wish Maci wasn’t on this show. It’s her turn to chat with Drew. I’m already so bored. Then he shows the clip montage and I’m asleep. 

She tells Drew that she wants to co-parent with Ryan, but that’s the extent of a relationship she wants with him. Except that she’s in love with him and she would totally get back together with him.

“What’s the matter with you,” Dr. Drew asks her about the fact that she wants another child. She says she doesn’t feel 19. She feels 30 and she’s ready to have another child. SHE IS SO STUPID. At least she claims she won’t have another baby until she’s married and she and Slow Albino© aren’t ready yet. THANK GOD. 

Slow Albino© saunters out. He mumbles some gibberish in his language. He does NOT want another baby. He also says it’s REAL tough dating a teen mom. I think breathing is REAL tough for this guy. 

Dr. Drew asks her what she’s sacrificed by having a child. She says she feels bad about sacrificing the time she had to spend with her parents. She’s never told them that though. Uh, you’re on the television, you just told them. (It’s like no one on the television actually understands how the television works.) We also learned that her parents had her brother when they were 17. Everyone’s off just bein’ a statistic! 

She’s worried about Ryan’s happiness. (BECAUSE SHE IS IN LOVE WITH HIM.) She says he really THRIVES when he’s happy. So… I guess we’ve never seen him happy?

Then that sweet piece of ass comes out. I DON’T EVEN CARE THAT HE YAWNS AND HAS ALL THOSE EARRINGS. I LOVE HIM SO MUCH! Maci says they’re learning how to co-parents better. (I doubt it.) Ryan tells her she needs to finish school before she has another child. Then they kind of flirt. But then he says it’s always in the back of his mind to take her to court.

Ryan says Slow Albino is wrong, he’s not still in love with Maci. He loves her because she’s the mother of his child, but he’s not in love with her. I WANT THEM TO GET BACK TOGETHER. 

Slow Albino comes back out. Ryan says he (SA) has been great to Maci and to Bentley. Both gentlemen say how weird it is when they first met.

I spend the next few minutes trying to understand Slow Albino’s pants. 

Maci uses Dr. Drew as her therapist. She says that Ryan can be great and then a flip switches and he’s a giant asshole. She just wants to know why! He says that it’s really easy, especially for Maci, to push his buttons and his temper gets the best of him. Then he says he would have made an extra effort to make things work with Maci if he could do it over. He tells teen dads to try their hardest and if they can’t make it work with the baby mama at least be in the child’s life. He’s a saint. 

All the teen parents and their offspring come out. Leah has the biggest head on a human that I’ve ever seen. Vaguely Asian asks Braces when she and Lanky are going to get married. She says July 15th of some year, just no time in the near future. Yeah, because your fiance hates you, fool. 

Bentley strolls up to Farrah and flirts with her. He says she’s pretty so his eyes are obviously broken. 

I’m REALLY GOING TO MISS THESE PEOPLE. I hope they don’t wait a year to come back to me.