My heart is broken this week. What with the season finales of both TEEN MOM and DANCE MOMS, I don’t really know how I’m going to go on living. (I’m serious. [You think I’m kidding. I’M NOT.])

The troupe arrives in Hollywood to audition for a music video. There’s no pyramid this week. It’s just a straight line. WHAT THE HELL IS THIS CRAP? I depend on this pyramid every week. How are these girls going to know who is the best? (I mean, it’s obviously Maddie.)

The girls are so excited about the possibility of being in a music video. I AM SO EXCITED TOO! Fatty McDance doesn’t know if they’ll all be chosen, if none of them will be chosen or if only a few will be. “It’s every man for himself,” she tells the 7-year-olds. That’s a good motto to teach.

Fatty McDance is teaching the girls a great new hip hop routine. While they’re rehearsing the mom’s head outside. They don’t drink grain alcohol, but they do gossip. WHY IS HOLLY SO OBSESSED WITH TELLING US SHE’S A TEACHER? It’s like she thinks she’s the first black broad ever to hold such a high position. Uh, you aren’t. 

The moms all pretend that they’d help each other out if they need it. Sure, you would. Melissa isn’t worried that Maddie isn’t going to nail this audition because she’s the best dancer in the studio. But Maddie feels otherwise. She’s not good at hip hop, she says. Get in line, Maddie. NEITHER AM I.

The girls head to the International Dance Studio. MSA is holding the audition. I don’t know what that means either. Apparently it’s important. They’re looking for the next generation of stars or something. (Question: how many dancers [other than J Lo] become stars? Answer: J Lo)

The girls learn the choreography in a giant group of strangers. Mackenzie has a breakdown. She’s like 2-years-old and smaller than anyone there, but she’s in the back. Of course she can’t learn the routine. She can’t see the instructor. Poor bastard.

Brooke claims, “I pulled off all my tricks.” HER TRICKS ARE ONLY TRICKS IF SHE’S PERFORMING FOR A SEXUAL PREDATOR. They are SO CREEPY. She just bends her legs around her body. COOL IT, CREEP. 

I’m so thankful I’m not a dance judge. You’re automatically the creepiest person in the room. 

The dance agents and judges call the FATTY LEE MILLER DANCE STUDIO girls in to tell them that there’s a new pop star looking for a girl group to dance with them. THE GIRLS SCREAM AT LEVELS ONLY MY DOG CAN HEAR. I am so excited! For the girls, I mean. Shut up. 

Brooke finally shows signs of life when they’re told the news. 

Does Melissa know that Mackenzie is also her daughter? She always talks about her daughter. SINGULAR. 

A really sleazy “record producer” comes in to introduce the choreographer. He also tells the girls that he’s going to choose one of the girls to be the lead. Are they going to shock us and not choose Maddie? 

Mackenzie has another nervous breakdown. Probably because her mother won’t claim her as her own. Fatty says she needs to pull it together. SHE’S JUST A BABY. WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE DEFENDING THIS TINY BROAD?

The girls head to the salon to get their hair and makeup done for their screen test. Maddie is gloating that she’s an actress and she hopes she gets the lead. I kind of hope sweet little Chloe sweeps in and steals the lead. That said, the hair and makeup people have made Chloe up to look like a tiny prostitute. They’re all crazily made up. Except Nia. They appear to have just painted her nails. I’m surprised that Holly isn’t screaming about racism. 

Melissa secretly meets with the producer to tell him that Maddie’s dream is to get into showbiz. He skirts around the fact that he doesn’t think Maddie has the elusive “it factor.” He just says she’s talented. Melissa doesn’t seem to get it. 

Maddie practices by herself. She seems to think this is the reason she always wins. Of course it is. You have private dance rehearsals all day and night.

Christi signs Chloe up for private acting lessons. The acting coach makes her cry. Then tries to build up her confidence by telling her that her success doesn’t hurt anyone else. WHAT A GREAT LIFE LESSON FOR THIS LADY! She needs some confidence.

While the girls are rehearsing Kelly says the moms are going out to “see the town.” This means they are going to drink grain alcohol indoors. Melissa tells the other moms that she went out for coffee with the record producer. Everyone is PISSED. They say she isn’t playing by the rules. WHO ELSE THINKS THAT MELISSA BANGED THE PRODUCER TO GET MADDIE THE ROLE? (I think Christi thinks that.)

It’s finally the day of the music video. Shouldn’t the girls have already found out who has the lead role by now? I mean, it’s the day of the shoot. The girls also meet some little dancer boys they’ll be dancing with. Again, why are they just meeting the boys now? THEY ARE SHOOTING THIS TODAY. Mackenzie’s partner sucks. He’s tiny and confused. Then Mackenzie has another nervous breakdown. “I’m not ready,” she repeats over and over. YOU GUYS, SHE’S NOT READY. Fatty McDance shuts those tears right down. Man up, she says. (More or less.) 

Seven, the producer (cool name), comes in to introduce the girls to Lux, the “pop star.” Uh, I’m using the term star loosely here. She’s way too ugly to be a pop star. She kind of looks like Veronica Mars if Veronica was hit in the face over and over with a frying pan. Lux tells the girls that one of them will be playing a mini-Lux. So the girls audition. Everyone thinks it’s in the bag for Maddie. 

I AM SITTING ON THE EDGE OF MY SEAT. I’M A MESS WAITING FOR THE DECISION TO BE MADE. 

OH MY GOD!!!! CHLOE GOT IT!!!! I AM SO EXCITED FOR THIS LITTLE BROAD!!!! (Seriously, I’m really excited. I gasped. AND THEN I PAUSED THE TV AND SHOUTED. Really, I did.) 

Melissa gives everyone stink-eye and shoots daggers at them. Christi is as excited for Chloe as I am. (We’re both crying.) Melissa claims she’s excited for Chloe, but the look she gave everyone when the announcement was made tells a different story. 

The girls shoot their part in the video. Melissa has changed her story and now says she’s excited Maddie DIDN’T get the lead because she gets to dance more in the background. I WISH YOU WEREN’T A LIAR, MELISSA. (I hate you.) 

The troupe gets back to Pittsburgh and Fatty McDance calls everyone into the studio for a meeting. Everyone is panicked because she never has good news. SHE DOES TODAY. She has a copy of the music video. They really fixed Lux’s skin in post production. You can hardly see the other girls in the video. MADDIE IS PROBABLY GOING TO KILL SOMEONE. 

It’s the end of dance season and the end of my life.