Fatty McDance hosts this clip show. I usually hate a clip show and don’t even bother to watch, but I have to watch this one. I hope to see extra Vivi scenes and at least 12 of Nia’s death drops. 

What is up with Fatty’s hair and make-up? Did I do it? 

She counts down the 15 most outrageous moments. How could they pick just 15? 

The 15th most outrageous moment: that time Chloe danced her little heart out with her headpiece blocking her entire face. Christi was off getting drunk on grain alcohol and didn’t have time to sew her headpiece on. Christi and Fatty McDance proceeded to scream at each other in front of everyone at the show. It ends with the classic: “Remember I pay your bills. You work for me.” Christi’s famous line that really sets Fatty McDance off. 

Number 14: When Kelly hires outside choreographers to work with Paige. Paige has a meltdown because she upsets Miss Abby. Hey Kelly, you aren’t in charge here. DON’T YOU DOUBT FATTY MCDANCE’S CHOREOGRAPHY. This is the part where Fatty McDance tells the audience that Brooke and Paige are too dumb and slow to pick up on routines as quickly as Maddie. Kelly has a breakdown before solos at this competition. 

Number 13: The moms listen to Cathy Nesbitt’s amazing idea to go and get Botox. I barely knew Cathy at the time, but knowing her like I know her now I’m surprised she didn’t trick them into walking into a death chamber. She’s stolen a child before, I wouldn’t put it past her to kill the competition. Post-Botox Kelly, Christi and Cathy go drink some grain alcohol and Cathy criticizes their looks. Specifically Christi’s nose. (At least Christi didn’t steal her daughter.)

GIVE CATHY NESBITT HER OWN SHOW. Maybe she can have a dance show slash show that teaches Americans how to properly steal children from their mother countries and pass it off as “legal adoptions.” I don’t know. I have some other ideas, but I DON’T WANT ANYONE STEALING THEM.

Number 12: That time Fatty McDance announced that the moms would be performing a dance in the week’s competition. Cathy Nesbitt is picked to be the choreographer. She’s a vision when she dances. The moms embarrass me when they dance and I’m not even one of their daughters. (Thank God.) During the “competition” Cathy takes over and does a solo. She does that old-timey dance where broads shake their boobs and jiggle their arms. (What’s that dance called?)  It’s not at all awkward to watch the other moms stand towards the back of the stage, mouths agape. 

Where does Fatty McDance get her capes? 

Number 11: When Fatty McDance dresses Nia up like Aladdin and Laquifa. Holly cries racism. “It’s 2011 and she’s wearing an afro. It’s like she’s the token black kid,” Holly says. Uh, she is the token black kid. Do you see any other black kids there? (I don’t count Vivi as even being there. I barely count her as even being alive. Plus she’s brown.) 

Number 10: “They look like prostitutes.” The costumes for Electricity look like something you’d see some tranny broad on Santa Monica Blvd. wearing. Anytime an 8-year-old has to use “double stick lingerie tape” something is wrong. “Showing off your sexy little bod,” Kelly says to her pre-pre-pre teen. I FORGOT HOW CREEPY THIS EPISODE WAS. I FORGOT HOW CREEPY KELLY IS. Fatty McDance shuts down the moms real quick and sends the girls out to gyrate in front of the pedophiles in the audience. 

Number 9: Fatty McDance sits the moms down and critiques the girl’s one by one. Fatty tells Kelly that her kids are slow and mediocre. Kelly doesn’t care. Fatty does. “Invest in this like it’s your future,” she says. Um, how is this a future for more than like 14 people? And I doubt Brooke and her creepy “I-bend-my-legs-over-my-back-and-smile” routine is going to be her future. Unless we’re talking about a future in some filthy motel somewhere in Van Nuys. You know, the PORN CAPITAL OF THE WORLD.

Number 8: Cathy Nesbitt antics. Fatty requested that Brooke wear a costume that Vivi was set to wear. Cathy Nesbitt agreed to it, but at the very last minute Cathy rips that costume right off of Brooke and makes her dance in a sports bar and some boy shorts. Cathy Nesbitt really knows who to psych out the “competition.” Cathy Nesbitt and Kelly have a blowout. Kelly seems to have a blowout with everyone. Kelly challenges the entire Candy Apple Dance Studio to a duel.

Number 7: The time Paige forgot her entire routine and just stood there with her hand on her face. My favorite part of that whole debacle is when the announcer says, “give her a round of applause. Make her feel very comfortable.” Uh, she can hear you. You negated the applause, fagatron. 

Number 6: Everyone is replaceable. Cathy Nesbitt decides she and Vivi will not be traveling to Vegas, Los Angeles and Lake Tahoe with the group. “You know Vivi won’t go with anyone but me,” Cathy Nesbitt says to Fatty McDance when FMcD has the AUDACITY to ask if anyone else can take Vivi. You know why Vivi won’t go with anyone else? BECAUSE SHE’S BEEN STOLEN ONCE BEFORE IN HER LIFE. She’s real gun shy around new people. Cathy Nesbitt quits slash Fatty McDance fires Cathy Nesbitt. 

Number 5: THEY CALL ME LAQUIFA. It’s when that tranny Laquifa Shangela Laquifa (uh, pick a name, Tranny) came to visit them in Las Vegas. All the girls were super excited to see him her. I have no idea why. Fatty McDance brought him her mostly to show Nia that she’s a real African princess and she needs to own it. He She also teaches Nia the infamous death drop. IT SCARES ME SO MUCH WHEN SHE DOES IT. 

Number 4: That time Fatty McDance tells Christi that she’s obviously jealous of 8-year-old Maddie. It all starts when Christi goes to shut down Fatty McDance’s rudeness towards Chloe. Then Fatty McDance questions Christi’s parenting. Uh, someone should be questioning Melissa’s parenting. She’s the one who bangs a man for dance money. At least Christi takes care of her child. 

Number 3: When Cathy Nesbitt rounded up some of her best “dancers” and dragged them to Los Angeles to compete against the Fatty McDance dancers. I use the term “dancers” VERY loosely. Vivi is the Maddie of the Candy Apple Dance Studio. She might as well have brought some legless children to dance. They’d have a better chance than Vivi. Fatty McDance and Cathy Nesbitt proceed to fight about who has more successful dancers working on Broadway. 

Number 2: MINISTER DAWN. I forgot about this crazy broad. Fatty McDance throws Minister Dawn’s child out of class. The minister goes crazy. “Let’s play the Bible game,” Minister Dawn shouts at Fatty McDance. I NEVER WANT TO PLAY THAT GAME. I HOPE NO ONE EVER ASKS ME TO. Fatty McDance kicks Minister Dawn and her kid out of the dance company. Minister Dawn chases Fatty around the studio, Fatty calls the police. “She does not have weapons, just her mouth,” Fatty Lee Miller tells the police. Holly tries to calm Minister Dawn. It doesn’t take. 

The number 1 most outrageous moment is finally upon us! The girls are at On Stage New York. Everyone was excited because they had just won some awards. Christi proceeds to drink grain alcohol and goes insane about Maddie again. Fatty McDance refuses to talk to Christi in private so Christi just takes it to the dressing room. All the girls burst into tears. Melissa starts screaming at Christi. More weeping from the children. Everyone is calling everyone a bitch. Melissa yanks her children out. “You’re an uneducated mess. Quit drinking,” Fatty McDance tells Christi. Melissa throws away all the trophies. Cathy Nesbitt laughs from the sidelines. 

WHEN IS SEASON 2 GOING TO AIR?!?!