God, I love Mondays. My love of this show is making me contemplate watching the Atlanta broads. In the past I’ve had real trouble getting involved with Atlanta and New Jersey, but I might attempt Atlanta this season. (Wow, what an interesting story, me.)

The episode resumes where last week’s left off: with Kim and Kyle fighting with Brandi With an I™. Kyle brings up the fact that Brandi With an I™ let her son strip down and pee in a stranger’s yard a few weeks ago. Kyle is still appalled by this. She even gets Camille on board when she asks her if she (Camille) would have scolded her son if he stripped nude and peed in someone’s yard. Camille says she would. Camille’s all class, gang. Then Brandi With an I™ brings it back to Kim being a big ol’ drug addict. It’s gone a little too far. Brandi With an I™ is crying. Kyle keeps saying fuck. I’M REALLY HATING THAT I CAME TO THIS PARTY TONIGHT. 

“She’s not a bitch,” Kim says of Kyle. Uh, you must really be on drugs. She is a bitch. That said, I don’t like this hobo Brandi With an I™ so I don’t really care that Kyle is really taking her for a beating. 

Then Brandi With an I™ references Kim’s love of delicious crystal meth and all hell really breaks loose. Bones Magoo panics and covers her hand with her mouth, Kyle puts her finger in Brandi With an I™’s face. Then Kim does the same thing and they start pushing each other. Bones Magoo steps in and breaks it up. “You’re a slut and a pig,” Kim says to Brandi With an I™. Well, I guess that’s true, but it doesn’t make you less of a drug addict. 

Brandi With an I™ decides to leave. But she doesn’t. She can’t find her crutches so she can’t get up. She whines to Dana about how they treated her, but Dana’s head is so far up Kyle’s ass that she can’t hear her. Camille consoles Kim. I’m not entirely sure why. 
Dana proceeds to look for the crutches. Kim still thinks she’s hilarious for hiding them. They’re finally found behind the chair. 

Kyle and Camille talk about Brandi With an I™ behind her back. THIS IS AN UNSETTLING TURN OF EVENTS. 

“I never want to see these people ever, ever, ever, ever again,” Brandi With an I™ says. Uh, I’m sure. BUT THEN HOW WILL YOU BE FAMOUS AND ON THE TELEVISION?

As the broads are leaving Dana announces again that she’d like to go on vacation with all of them. Um, please cool it. You’re embarrassing me and I’m not even you. No one likes you, you desperate wench. Then they decide not to leave, but to gossip more about Brandi With an I™. Bones Magoo tells Camille that she doesn’t like that Brandi With an I™ calls herself a slut. Uh, she calls ‘em like she sees ‘em. (Isn’t that a saying?) 

Back in patheticville, Dana tells Kyle she wants them all to go on Kim’s journey with her. Couple of things:
1. One doesn’t invite oneself on a journey.
2. I’m pretty sure Kim isn’t ready to get off the meth pony just yet. 

“We’re together forever, always have been,” Dana tells Kyle. They just met 45 minutes ago. Wait, is Dana a meth-head too? What’s going on here?

Kyle and VANDERPUMP are lazing around VANDERPUMP’S manse when Adrienne wanders in. Kyle’s filling them in on the game night debacle. I don’t need to see this, Bravo, I was there. She tells them the whole Famous Black Man/Winston Churchill story. VANDERPUMP and Adrienne JUST CANNOT BELIEVE IT. How can someone be so stupid, they wonder? (I wondered the same thing.) In Adrienne’s little interview segment she says Kyle might be in denial about Kim’s problems. So she’s saying she likes meth! 
Kyle and VANDERPUMP do not want Brandi With an I™ coming to the same charity event they’re set to go to. 

Elsewhere, Bones Magoo and Brandi With an I™ meet for lunch. Well, Brandi With an I™ eats lunch, but Bones Magoo has a big coffee and calls it a day [food-wise]. Brandi With an I™ goes on and on about how the gloves come off when people bring up her children. Shut up, nobody cares. Leave the show please. Gimme more Dana. I love when people ooze desperation. Bones Magoo tells her she needs to be open to apologizing for the whole meth ordeal. She needs to talk to Kyle. Good luck. 

Kyle and Kim and all their kids are going to Palm Desert together. It’s like they’re going to surprise her by dropping her off at rehab so they can all go have fun together without smelling like meth. Kim tells a fantastic story about how she’s been using breath spray for a week, but it turned out to be room deodorizer. God, I hope to never become hooked on meth. 

Whitney, one of Kim’s daughters, isn’t on the trip, and everyone is weird about it. Apparently she and Kimberly are in a fight so she decided not to come. Then they all talk about how wacky sister fights are. I’M BORED. 

They arrive at Kyle’s house in Palm Desert. Sweet ass Mauricio wanders in looking as handsome as ever. He’s also such a gentleman. AND WE FIND OUT WHAT THE WHOLE “YOU STOLE THE GODDAMN HOUSE” INCIDENT meant. Kim thinks Kyle stole the house. But their mother left the house to the three sisters and Kyle bought the other two out. Kim wanted to buy back in, but Kyle said no. Kim’s still really angry about it. She says so in a really fancy silky, turtleneck with a tie. They only paid her $20,000 for her third so they may have robbed her blind. I doubt she noticed at the time, what with all the meth running through her veins. 

Back at casa VANDERPUMP, she and her daughter meet with Franck to plan the wedding. Franck has really aged asian since he planned Annie Banks’ wedding a few years ago. 

Franck is wearing more makeup than I’ve ever worn in my life. He also loves VANDERPUMP’S garden. VANDERPUMP is really set on Pandora getting married in a church, but Pandora and Franck are really set on the backyard being the wedding and reception setting. Giggy is also at the meeting, but he spends the entire time struggling to escape the clutches of VANDERPUMP.

Franck loves everything about VANERPUMP’S house. He’s really angry that Pandora wants a small wedding with 180 people. He wants some grand shindig. They want it simple and English, not trashy and huge and American. 

Franck really shuts down Pandora’s idea of having some pink roses in her wedding dress. Franck says it’ll be tacky. He obviously knows tacky. Then he tells VANDERPUMP that the wedding will cost around $1 million. VANDERPUMP is not having it. It won’t be a dollar over $150,000, she tells him. STICK IT TO FRANCK, VANDERPUMP. 

Kyle and Kim go to lunch alone in Palm Desert. Kyle is still concerned about why both of Kim’s daughters aren’t there. Kyle starts mothering Kim- telling her she needs to move back from Westlake. To be perfectly honest I’m bored to tears.  I don’t really care about or understand Kim and her children’s living situation. They’re probably all scattered in various Los Angeles area shelters. 

Camille is getting advice from her paid best friend on which sunglasses to wear to her charity event. Camille and her mother [who hates her] are being honored for their work raising money for a cancer charity. Kyle and VANDERPUMP show up to the charity event together. Guess who else is there? Brandi With an I™ and my new best friend, Dana. Brandi With an I™ has decided she’s not going to let the mean girls ruin her fun. Dana buys a really hideous fur with diamonds on it. I NEED ONE. 

No one is thrilled that Brandi With an I™ is at their table. She just sits awkwardly, flipping her hair and staring at the mean popular girls. I feel like this broad was a real nerd in high school then [kind of] grew into her gangly legs, dyed her hair blond, got some new tits and decided to seek revenge on the type of girls who were mean to her. Get a life. You’re always going to be the nerd. 

I hope Camille’s mom beats her cancer. She seems like a nice broad and we both kind of hate her daughter so there’s that. 

VANDERPUMP decides to finally throw Brandi With an I™ a bone and say something to her. VANDERPUMP is a good egg. She asks her one question and calls it a day. Then she whispers to Kyle about Winston Churchill. WHY DON’T YOU JUST LEAVE, Brandi With an I™, NO ONE LIKES YOU. 

Kim goes for a nice little walk with Adrienne. Adrienne decided to wear a miniature, short sleeved jacket. It makes no sense for a brisk walk, or otherwise. Then she and Kim talk about Kim’s relationship with Kyle. Kim just can’t get over that night in the limo. That’s much less sexual than I made it sound. Get over it, Methface. 

Next week on THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS: Pandora has an engagement party in a whore house, Brandi With an I and Kyle fight in a spa (why is Brandi With an I there? I thought she didn’t want to see them ever, ever, ever, ever again?) and Kim has another methlab explosion.