I’m not sure why the television doesn’t air this show more often (Read: nightly) because they (the Freaky Eaters) are my favorite of all creeps on the television. Well, these weirdos and the ones on MY STRANGE ADDICTION tie for first. I’m a little nervous about this episode because I’ve been known to drink 6 or 7 Diet Cokes in a day. (That number jumps exponentially higher when I go out to dinner.) I love it. I don’t care that it’s poison. I don’t smoke or do drugs. LAY OFF MY ADDICTION. 

Moving on. One of my favorite parts of this show is the warning beforehand that states that you shouldn’t take this show as medical advice. Um, if you are dumb enough to take this show as medical advice then you should probably do so. Earth won’t miss you. Natural selection and all.

20-year-old Amy drinks 30 sodas a day. That’s over 10,000 cans a year. They have the kind of soda blurred out, but it’s fairly obvious that it’s Coke. Henceforth, I will refer to the drink as Coke. (I am from the South and EVERY drink is referred to as coke. It was painful writing soda earlier.)

Apparently after surgery all she wanted was a Coke. Um, why is that weird? It’s the first thing I wanted a few months ago when I had surgery. OH MY GOD, AM I A FREAKY EATER? (I went through a real heavy maple syrup phase after that episode about the guy who put maple syrup on everything. He was right. IT WAS A DELICIOUS ADDITION TO NEARLY ALL FOODS.)

I wonder if she was molested by Coke? 

The most she had in a day was 50 cans. How does she sleep with all the urinating she must do? Does she pee coke? Even I think 50 is a little excessive. I SAID A LITTLE. 

This broad doesn’t even drink Diet Coke. She drinks 4000 calories a day on Coke alone and she’s not even a fatty. WHAT IS HER SECRET? 

“Me and cola are best friends,” she says. “Whenever I have cola by my side I feel safe.” Uh…How do I even respond to that? WHO MOLESTED THIS BROAD? 

When Amy was 5 her family immigrated from Russia. Her very first meal was fast food with a Coke. She lives at home with her family. Instead of eating what her mother makes (it kind of looks disgusting) she eats Oreos, chips and Ding Dongs (or some other hobo snack cake. I never ate those as a kid. Because we weren’t poor.) She dips her Ding Dongs in Coke. (I hate that that sounded sexual.) 

Amy works as a surgical technician, which the voiceover man calls ironic. I’m not sure why he thinks that. I know a lot of doctors who like recreational drugs, so what’s so wrong with a surgical tech being really into sugar water? 

This episode isn’t that great. She drinks 30 Cokes a day. BIG DEAL. At least she’s not eating household cleaner. 

Amy doesn’t have much energy and she recently discovered a lump in her chest. The doctor told her it might be related to her caffeine consumption. IT MIGHT BE. Stop spewing lies, doctor. 

It’s actually not Coke. She’s drinking some hobo off-brand. I’m still calling it coke. It’s probably because she drinks like $200,000 worth of it a year.

The doctors have arrived. I’ve missed you so much, Dr. Dow and Dr. JJ Virgin. They speak to the family first. 

I wish she’d poor syrup on something. 

The brother blames the mother for being an enabler. Oh, shut your whore mouth. She’s a good mother. Sneaking in cokes to the hospital. 

“When she wakes up, if she doesn’t have a cola she’s grumpy,” her brother says. OH MY GOD, SO AM I. I AM ONE OF THESE CREEPS FROM THE TELEVISION. I wish Amy would talk about the feeling of that first sip going down your gullet in the morning. It’s what heroin must feel like. 

I hate when the doctors try to make these creeps feel bad. WE LOVE WHAT WE LOVE, DOCTORS. 

How are her teeth not rotten with all that sugar? 

I hate the shock therapy part. It just seems to wasteful. They’ve lined up the boxes of coke she drinks a month. Thirty-seven 24 packs. OK, maybe that is excessive. They tell her the average person drinks 1 case a month. Um, the average person is a loser. That statistic seems low. I DON’T TRUST THIS SCIENCE. 

Coincidentally, I tried to give up Diet Coke yesterday and had a debilitating headache. How are they going to get this broad off the sauce? (P.S. I was back on the DC train by 3:30pm.)

Amy doesn’t seem concerned in the least. She’s giggly slash scared when she sees the 950 lbs of sugar she drinks yearly. She claims it just looks like a big bag of sugar and nothing more. Uh, that’s what it is. The doctors are angry that Amy isn’t ashamed. Since when are therapists supposed the shame the patient? 

Amy is forced to go in for blood work. The next morning JJ Virgin takes her to a local juice bar to share the results. JJ Virgin tells her the results aren’t great, she’s on a very scary path to DIABETES. She’s pre-diabetic. I certainly hope she doesn’t lose a foot. She also is at a high risk for cancer and cysts. Amy finally seems scared. She agrees to try to change. Luckily they’re in this juice bar. They’ll start here! Yeah, because smoothies totally make up for a coke breakfast. Amy attempts to drink it and nearly vomits. STICK IT TO THE MAN, AMY. Don’t listen to these juice hippies. 

JJ Virgin decides not to take Amy off coke cold turkey. Um, I’m not doctor and I could have told you that, braintrust. Today she’ll be drinking 16, then 12, 8, 6, 4, 2. TWO?!?! That doesn’t even seem fair. JJ Virgin seems to think she’s gotten through to Amy. I think JJ Virgin is a goddamn idiot. 

JJ Virgin and Dr. Dow meet with the family to teach them how to not enable Amy. They agree that they won’t buy coke for Amy. Then they place all the contraband on the counter. IT IS HIDDEN ALL OVER THE HOUSE. They remove all the excess coke in the house. She will have the 16 in the house for tomorrow. They have to pour out all the extras. THIS IS A REAL WASTE AND I FEEL HER PAIN. Amy’s a mess. She keeps telling her mother and brother that they don’t have to do it. She’s pacing back and forth. They try to make her pour one out as a symbolic gesture. She shuts that right down because she doesn’t see the point. Then she gives in, despite the fact that she thinks it’s super stupid. (Uh, because it is.)

She has 58 cans that she has to make last for the next 7 days. Are they going to tie her to a chair? It’s really easy to drive to the store. These doctors are wizards. 

We’re seeing Amy’s first day on the plan. She gets 16 cokes today. By the end of the day she’s cut down her daily intake to 24. Day 2! She’s supposed to drink 12. Her mother offers to make her a smoothie, but she opts for coke. By the middle of day 2 she’s already had 24. “Maybe tomorrow I’ll start. Or maybe not.” THAT’A GIRL! 

By day 3 she’s restocking at the grocery store. Over the next 3 days these crazy broad spirals out of control. While she was given 58 for the week she’s had over 160. “There hasn’t been no progress,” she says. Apparently there has also been no progress with her grammatical skills either. 

SHE DOESN’T EVEN CARE. Screw you, she says. She wants what she wants. STOP TRYING TO BRING HER DOWN. The doctors come over and ask her if she’s an addict. She says she’s just a soda lover. She’s obviously not changing. What was the point of this episode?