I wonder what’s going to happen on tonight’s episode of Kim’s House of Meth. I hope Dana buys something hideous and tells us all about it. 

VANDERPUMP arrives at the golden palace of Adrienne’s to teach Adrienne to cook. She can’t cook but she has three refrigerators, so that’s cool. She doesn’t even know where the cutting board is. She finally finds it and it’s not even made of gold. 

I’m totally judging Adrienne for using crappy chicken. You have a billion dollars. Go to Gelson’s. 

Adrienne proceeds to wash the chicken with soap. VANDERPUMP is appalled. I think I might have done that before I became Sue Homemaker. (Not to brag but I’m now an excellent chef AND baker [AND SOON TO BE WIFE].)

I actually don’t know why Adrienne is trying to learn to cook this chicken. She has a chef. What’s the point of this nonsense? Luckily VANDERPUMP is a wizard and she made a delicious chicken.

Elsewhere in Beverly Hills, ol’ Bones Magoo has Kyle and Dana’s children over to play around her manse. Also, they’re there to gossip. Kyle is still harping on the whole meth ordeal. “Where do you come up with that?” she asks them regarding Brandi with an I mentioning meth. Um, she came up with it because Brandi looks like she’s been around meth before. She probably saw a lot of it in her childhood trailer park. Also, Kim is a big meth monster so of course Brandi with an I was going to go there.

Bones Magoo tries to defend Brandi with an I by telling her she’s going through a lot. WHY ARE ALL THESE BROADS ALWAYS “GOING THROUGH A LOT”?!? 

Back with VANDERPUMP, she goes over to some creepy man’s house. His name is Mohamed and he appears to have the same taste (and interior decorator) as Adrienne. Attention new money: just because it’s made of gold doesn’t mean it’s classy. HOW ARE YOU NOT GETTING THIS?

Mohamed has a lovely barely legal girlfriend. It’s not at all creepy. She looks like a zombie. I’d sedate myself to sleep with his tan leather body too. 

His house is a mess. Aside from all the gold it also looks like an opium den. There is also a secret room of crap and sex. 

I would hate to live in Beverly Hills. Everyone is constantly having to socialize. My favorite thing is not socializing.

Adrienne is having a spa party for all the broads. She has all sorts of fancy equipment set up. One thing I’d hate more than socializing? Getting a facial whilst socializing. 

I thought Adrienne was learning to cook for this party, but Bernie the chef is doing all the cooking. I wonder if she and Bernie are banging? 

I would if Adrienne gives out party favors made of pure gold? 

Kyle is the first to arrive. She’s so excited to be there. We’ll see how long that sticks. 

Guess what Adrienne has at the party? EDIBLE GOLD. I’m not even lying. 

All the ladies arrive and have to strip down into robes. Now it’s my kind of party. (Soft clothes are my favorite.) Kim wanders in late, per usual. I’m surprised she knows where she is. Chances are she won’t by nightfall. She’s been busy “doing things” she tells everyone. 

Wait, Adrienne didn’t rent this spa, she OWNS THIS STUFF. (Why doesn’t she look better than she does? Or is she 75 and looking great?)

Kyle and Kim wander around outside together and find a trampoline. They jump around like they were molested as children. (Kim definitely was. The jury is out on Kyle.)

Brandi with an I arrives super late. Probably because she has those crutches and she’s always dragging around that leg. No one is thrilled to see her. She does a bunch of treatments where she doesn’t have to talk to anyone. Uh, go home. Kim and Kyle, of course, sit in a corner and make fun of her. 

Camille always seems sedated. She also talks to herself a lot. 

OK, I’m bored being at this party. I’m ready to go somewhere else. 

VANDERPUMP and Camille decide they might as well talk since they’re sitting next to one another. Camille says she got her children a therapist. Riveting. TELL ME THAT STORY AGAIN. 

I really don’t think I’ve ever been this bored watching an episode. I kind of just zoned out and investigated April Balteria’s Facebook page to see if she and Butch were still together. (They are.) GET IT TOGETHER, BRAVO. I’M SO BORED. There’s only so much I can take of women getting facials and making fun of the cripple lady who spells her name like a lunch-shift stripper. 

Some of the ladies think Kyle and Kim should sit down and talk to Brandi with an I but they shut that right down. Brandi and Bones Magoo sit out on the terrace pretending to eat. WHY WON’T THIS PARTY END? 

Kyle comes out to address Brandi with an I so they can clear the air. Or kind of clear the air, but not really clear the air. Brandi blames Kyle for harping on the fact that her son pees in yards and Kyle tells Brandi that she can’t talk badly about her sister anymore. Why not? Everyone else does. Then they all fight some more and kind of agree to move on. 

Elsewhere in this hell, Mauricio swims with Portia. It’s super exciting. I’m totally lying. WHAT THE HELL IS THIS EPISODE? 

Next week on THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS: Adrienne depletes the world of it’s gold supply.