Let me take some time up front to discuss the lottery. WHY DOES NO ONE NORMAL EVER WIN IT? Every week I ask myself, “Hey, do you want to start playing the lottery, you great ol’ broad?” (I also like to talk myself up to myself.) But then I think, “Nah, I have all my teeth and the first thing I buy WOULD NOT be a yellow Corvette” so I put down the lottery card and leave the store. WHY DO CREEPS WHO DON’T DESERVE TO WIN THE LOTTERY ALWAYS WIN IT? Maybe I wouldn’t give
all any of my loot to charity, but I also wouldn’t go on a meth bender.
Moving on. There is a show called LOTTERY CHANGED MY LIFE and I feel almost as strongly about it as I do about Freaky Eaters.
Let’s meet father and son duo Jeff and Leroy Thicke (no relation, presumably, to Alan) of Michigan. In 2010 Leroy won $2 million. (Let’s be honest, that barely counts as winning the lottery.) Leroy (the father) has a really great head of long yellow hair that blows around in the Michigan wind.
Leroy tells a great story about winning $1000 on a scratch off ticket. He tells it WHILE he buys all of his groceries at the 7-11. Apparently he was entered in a contest to win $2 million because of his scratch off win. And he won!
Then he and son Jeff (Jeff has no teeth) started buying the hell out of super awesome stuff. Guitars! Skillets! BIG KNIVES & SWORDS!
Before the win Leroy used food stamps, now the bitch is still shopping in the same [convenience] stores but using $100 bills. I wonder if he knows they have grocery stores in Michigan?
Leroy and Jeff mostly stand around looking at the lottery check.
Leroy’s first order of business was to demolish his old house and build a new one that isn’t great. (I mean, what can you REALLY even do with the $900,000 he got after taxes?) He also installed a fan with a remote. “Who has one of these? No one, but the Thickes,” Jeff says. Uh, and me when I was 7. And probably most people with fans circa 2011.
"I just have my clothes laid out, in case I have to jump in them," Leroy says when they pan to all of his clothes all over the place.
Guess who is Leroy’s financial advisor? JEFF! THAT’S WHO! AND HE IS GREAT! Most of his advice is about firecrackers.
These idiots have no furniture but they do have a 65 inch television. Jeff had some other great advice! Get a Playstation 3. It will only go up in value. Or something. That’s Jeff talking, not me. (Note To Self: invest in a Playstation and a big TV. They only go up in value. [Wait…that’s not true? But Jeff said it was.])
Leroy decided to keep the toilet from his old house. You know, because it was a nice toilet. He also got a seated lawn mower.
Then Leroy does the unthinkable and rejects the yellow Chevy whatever for the red Chevy whatever! (THE HORROR!) After purchasing it he meets Jeff at the pawn shop to buy some swords. “I can do anything and buy anything now,” Jeff says. Um, except most things. Does he know how much $900,000 will buy? Not much. I mean, I guess it will buy you a couple slot machines and swords, but that’s about it.
Son Jeff keeps all of his valuables (his word, not mine) under INTENSE lock and key at a top secret location. Just kidding. It’s in room 240 of the Saginaw Motor Lodge. “I’m an avid sneaker collector, I have over $700 worth of sneakers,” Jeff says whilst showing us around his
museum hotel motel room. So uh…you have two pair of sneakers? THAT IS AN AWESOME COLLECTION, JEFF.
Then Jeff plays with his swords. Each one of them costs around $40. He is really going to make a killing when he resells this stuff.
Jeff announces that he only has the finest things in life at his $80 a night motel. He announces this while he sits clothed in an empty jacuzzi. Wait, is this real? I AM GOING TO BE SO MAD IF THIS SHOW IS A JOKE.
Jeff and Leroy go to a private etiquette class. They learn about bread. The difference between white and wheat. Fancy stuff like that.
Leroy looks like Uncle Pecos.
Jeff says he thinks that Leroy is the most eligible bachelor. In the United States. GEORGE CLOONEY, SMORGE CLOONEY.
Jeff holds a fork like he just grew hands and the etiquette teacher doesn’t even say
This is my favorite thing to ever be on the television.
Next up on the show is Earnest, the slot guru. He’s won $10,000,000 in jackpots. I was going to make fun of his title as slot guru until he said 10 million dollars. Now I’m closely listening to his secrets.
Earnest has spent almost $3 million on slots to make $10 million. I don’t know how I feel about this aspect of the story.
Earnest takes us on a tour of the slum of a Detroit neighborhood where he grew up. He talks about crack and stuff. When he was 20 he joined the Army and was introduced to his first slot machine. (I’m glad our military is hard at work.) After the military he started playing slots for a living. That’s just a cute way of saying “I’m a gambling addict.”
Earnest rents a house. It makes no sense to me when people who don’t have to rent houses rent houses. Does he know he can buy a house?
Earnest loves to wander around the casino and give money away. Hey Earnest, come to my house. I’ll borrow a couple of Jeff’s slot machines and set it up like a casino.
He’s also written a book teaching people how he’s done so well on the slots. Does he know it’s luck? HEY BRAINTRUST, IT’S A COMPUTER. Select, Project, Expect and Collect (SPEC) is his motto. He projects that he wants to win $20,000 and he does. (Note To Self: Start projecting that you want bags of money to start falling in your backyard.)
I love the slot guru. He’s kind of like Oprah. I SAID KIND OF.
Next up on the show is Greg and Kathy Owen. They won $1 million in the Idaho raffle. Raffle? They hung the giant check in their living room. They have a really sad story about having to pay $130,000 due to not having insurance when they had a premature baby. Now I’m really sad.
With the rest of their money (after paying off debts) they bought a restaurant. Their premie son is now 21 and totally healthy and a really hard worker and now I’m not sad. This is such a lovely family. I’m glad they won the money. They also have teeth which is both thrilling and shocking.
I’m kind of bored by their story. They’re normal and no one is buying anything terrible.
The final story of the episode is about Ken Covert, an Idaho resident who won $2 million. Each week he bought lottery tickets and finally hit the jackpot. He retired and bought a lot of manly toys. A truck. A camper. A four-wheeler. A bunch of crap I don’t care about. Men are idiots. Then he buys a boat and we’re finally on the same wavelength. I love boats. He Ken, buy me a boat.
He also bought some guns and now shoots clay pigeons. That’s a $3000 a year hobby. I’d rather set $3000 on fire.
These normal stories bore me. GIMME AN ENTIRE EPISODE WITH JEFF, PLEASE.