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Dance Moms: Everyone’s Replaceable; Or: Seriously, Everyone is Replaceable. DID YOU HEAR ME? EVERYONE IS REPLACEBLE.
Dance Moms is back for season two and I’m more excited than I’ve ever been able anything. I’m not even kidding. I hope Cathy Nesbitt is back. (I sing a song about her. I AM NOT EVEN KIDDING ABOUT THAT EITHER.)
Just watching the “last season on Dance Moms” clips has me nearly out of my seat (but not actually out of my seat because I’m far too lazy for that) with excitement.
I’m somewhat shocked that no one had the wherewithal to fix Maddie’s teeth during their hiatus. She had months to have plastic surgery. MONTHS.
The show opens with my beloved Fatty McDance judging Holly for having a job. She takes it out on Nia. PS Nia is a mess. She looks like a cheap prostitute who just saved up for braces.
I love shots of Mackenzie. She has this look of fear mixed with utter brain-dead-ness that I love in a human.
“Everyone’s replaceable,” McDance says. Tell me about it, Fatty. EVERYONE IS.
Apparently Brooke and Paige took a bit of a vacation from dancing. Nice work, slackers. That was your mom’s idea wasn’t it? WASN’T IT?
Poor Chloe is never going to be on the top of the pyramid. Christi is obviously really angry about this. (Note: I went to the Dance Moms site to look up Christi’s name because I’m equally as brain-dead as Mackenzie and can’t remember anything) and there is a picture of Fatty McDance in a silver velour sweatsuit/soft clothes ensemble.)
That bitch Maddie is on the top again. I mean she does dance like a dream and she DID win the national championship.
The team is preparing for their show in North Carolina. They have one week to learn an entire new routine. Oh, and find a new girl to dance with them. Shouldn’t they have been doing this in the off-season? It’s like when the Full Throttle Saloon staff doesn’t prepare for the ONE WEEK A YEAR their
During rehearsal everyone is doing something different with their hands. And Mackenzie is doing something different with her hands, legs, arms and body.
GUESS WHO’S BACK?!?! CATHY NESBITT. They’re showing her Candy Apple Dance Studio dancers. Cathy Nesbitt is still consumed by the Fatty Lee Miller Dance Studio. So much so that she’s implementing a new pyramid of sorts. Except it’s not a pyramid at all. Just one person doing a solo and then the rest of the team below said solo-dancer. She does have a real fancy touch screen for her supposed pyramid though. One point, Cathy Nesbitt.
Holly finally shows up because another mom told her that Abby was thinking of replacing Nia since Holly has a job. That doesn’t even make sense. In other news, why does Holly dress like an extra in Working Girl? Her business clothes look like they fell out of the late 80s.
Fatty McDance mentions her period so I’ve decided to pour acid in my ears to burn them. I DON’T WANT TO KNOW ABOUT YOUR PERIOD.
Some new kids come to audition. The moms also judge the potential new moms.
This girl named Peyton makes it to the top 3 to be selected as the new member of the group, but she gets cut. HER MOTHER GOES INSANE. Uh, your daughter is too old and too tall, you idiot. Of course she wasn’t going to be selected.
Kendall is the new one. She’s 8, but has the face of a 45-year-old smoker. I don’t trust her ginger mother either. She looks like trouble. So I’m definitely looking forward to this broad.
9-year-old Maddie is now competing against kids up to age 11. Fatty McDance keeps reminding her about this.
“Nia’s dance is very tropical,” Fatty McDance says. African, you mean. The word is African. (She does try to make it known that it’s not an ethnic dance. Uh, ok. Nia can only do ethnic dances, fool. EVERYONE KNOWS THAT.)
Christi and Kelly are gossiping about new Dance Mom, Jill. Melissa tries to defend her. You shut up, Melissa. (No one likes you.) Jill shows up right as they’re talking about her. What are the odds?!
Kendall has her private rehearsal with Fatty McDance. “She’s getting the biggest break of her life that she’s ever going to get,” McDance says of Kendall. Good God, I hope not. If this is the peak she should probably just kill herself now.
Everyone is already fighting with Jill. Christi lets it be known that Maddie and Chloe have both beaten Kendall in the past. Jill pretends she doesn’t remember. Of course you don’t.
Does Jill have a lazy eye? She’s quickly becoming my favorite.
The team does some more practicing before they leave the following day. Everyone looks like a mime.
Brooke is a slacker. She stumbles in with writing all over her hands. Then she cries. Why is this idiot still dancing? She doesn’t even like it. But if she’s going to be there she needs to man up and cool it with the tears.
Kelly and Fatty McDance do some fighting. McDance announces AGAIN that everyone is replaceable. HEY, WE GOT IT. EVERYONE HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME. WE’RE ALL REPLACEABLE. JUST COOL IT ALREADY.
Nia needs to shut her whore mouth complaining about Holly missing the performance. Hey kid, sometimes parents miss things. She’s been to like 350 shows just in the last year. SHE HAS A JOB.
Holly tries to tell Fatty McDance that she can’t come to South Carolina. McDance refuses to listen and makes her talk through a snow covered car window. She really showed her.
On the bus, ass-kisser-Sue (Jill) gives Fatty a gift. Christi says she would have given her a membership to Weight Watchers. One point for Christi.
Maddie performs her solo and it’s like watching an angel. She’s a real star.
Chloe does well too, but no one will talk about it because she’s not Maddie. NOTHING WILL EVER BE GOOD ENOUGH.
Nia does a great impression of Brooke during her solo. She just bends her legs over her head. It wasn’t dancing when Brooke did it last season and it’s not dancing now. It’s just creepy.
Nia thinks she did well. Well, she thinks she “done” well. It’s fairly obvious the same can’t be said for her in an English class.
Kendal isn’t good. I mean I’m no dancer, but bore me to death why don’t you? Everyone blames it on her nerves and not the fact that she’s just a sucky dancer.
Award time! Nia comes in 4th. For some reason she’s happy with that. Chloe wins the age group! But Maddie swoops in and wins overall. Of course she does. WHO ARE THESE OTHER KIDS KIDDING, THEY’RE NEVER GOING TO BEAT HER.
Time for the group performance. In typical Fatty McDance fashion, she stresses the hell out of all the girls right before they go on stage. I wonder who is going to have the first stroke?
In the group number they’ve shoved Mackenzie in a box for the entire routine. That is a true sentence. She’s in a box until the very end. They all dance like robots around her to a song with “I’m a sexy girl” lyrics. Once the other girls have broken her out of the box, Mackenzie does one slutty move and calls it a day.
They come in first. BIG SURPRISE. Luckily that doesn’t impress Fatty McDance so she proceeds to berate them after their receive the award.
Then Kelly calls Abby a whore and my life is complete.
