Here is my mother’s latest installment of PRETTY LITTLE LIARS. (Notice in paragraph one she references some 100 year old soap opera couple that wasn’t even Luke & Laura. Cool reference, Mom.)

I am really having trouble getting back into this show.  The first week was weak(sorry), second peaked my interest and this week was just lame, in my opinion.  I think it’s time for the writers to stop thinking about how many years they can drag this thing out and start thinking just a little about giving us more than a few crumbs that usually don’t turn into a slice of bread.  Have you not learned anything from the demise of the soap operas?  We are no longer content to wait years for Josh and Reve to work it out.  We’ve got high tech toys calling out names, if we are too impatient to sit through a 30 second commercial we are certainly not going to keep watching this paint dry.  Just a thought!

In this episode I will be referring to the little liars as the pretty little orphans.  We’ve been over this before but it bears saying again, these are high school girls and all have visited with the police on a number of occasions so why do they have so much freedom?  I love Aria’s parent “new age” restriction, Poor Emily, her parents left her for dead long ago, Hanna’s mom must have the best contract because she does appear to care if not all the time at least once every episode. And poor Spencer, her parents don’t even know they have another child other than Melissa.  It’s no wonder they are such easy targets.  We begin with the four still at the lake house or it appears to me to be the lake house.  Hanna could have died, Lucas for all they know is sleeping with the fishes and still no family, just the orphans. Hanna has a headache and the girls are all mothering her with aspirin, blankets and soup.  Emily gives Hanna the news that the lake is going to be dredged in the morning.  The police think they will find Lucas’ body. Hanna is sure he is alive “out there somewhere”.  Aria can’t believe harmless Lucas could be working with “A”.  Hanna decides to tell the girls Lucas is not as harmless as they think.  She tells them he was the one who destroyed Ali’s memorial.  The other orphans can’t believe Hanna never told them—why would she keep a secret?  REALLY?  The better question is how can you three ask such a question.  You are all full of lies and secrets. Man up, ladies.  This could be the most ridiculous scene of the entire show and that is saying a lot.  Hanna takes the Aspirin and reaches into her purse for water.  Seriously— this really happened—she pulls out a glass jar like the ones people used to use when they pickled things.  It is about a foot long with no lid—just been sitting upright I suppose in her purse for who knows how long.  In a million years this is not what Hanna or for that matter anyone would carry in their bag as a water bottle.  While I am thinking, “holy shit what is that and how did it not turn over in your bag”, always alert Emily stops her from drinking it because it has lake water in it.  All they can think about is how did lake water get in it?  Who could have done it?  They all pass it around and smell it and still no one says “What kind of hillbilly water bottle is this?”  “A’ picks this time to send a text—“no fun chugging lake water, is it? Chock on this, bitch. A”  We have a little thunder, serious head spinning, troubled looks and then the theme music. 

It’s morning and Hanna and Emily are in the Marin’s kitchen having breakfast and the token parental scene.  Praise Jesus, Lucas is alive.  ET phoned home but that’s about all we know.  Hanna seems like she would have been ok if he hadn’t surfaced.  Momma Marin wants to call his parents since it all happened at a party her daughter was hosting. Maybe Momma should have thought about attending the party instead of showing all the concern after the fact.  The girls set her straight- she is just a bit player in this sad tale and they move along.  I know you are probably thinking they are headed to school, as that is what momma Marin was also thinking but they again set her straight they have better things to do.   School is like everything else in Rosewood—NO RULES!   Once they all get to Spencer’s house she empty’s the bag of goodies she found at the lake house so they can start the days detective work.  She found cell phones that she says are not her parents, they don’t look like they are much use to anyone to me .  They are still in the unopened boxes but that doesn’t seem to cross anyone mind.  They also found a receipt from a store in Philadelphia. Spencer and Aria decide they will go to Philly after school and have a look around. 

Finally the little orphans have decided to make an appearance at school.  I am worried they are not  going to age well. When do they sleep?  Every night seems to be date night or party night or sleuth night.  Luckily Aria stopped by school. It gave her a chance to make a date with Holden for yet another school night.  As we know she is on restriction but apparently only when it comes to Ezra.  Holden was a childhood friend who has been out of the country for a while. He has come back just in time to help Aria get out of the house (like that has ever been a problem) and he seems to have the need to use Aria for something, but we don’t know what yet.  Holden tells Aria to plan the date so she decides they should go to a play that she knows Erza is planning to attend. 

Mona is spilling her guts to an uncaring Hanna about Noel maybe breaking up with her.  She tells Hanna Noel was on the phone with someone all night during Caleb’s birthday party. If Hanna would pay attention to someone other than herself she might pick up some clues.  She is truly clueless.  While Mona is going on and on about her problems Hanna sees her homecoming picture is being taken down.  She is told the administration doesn’t think tiaras and orange jumpsuits are a good fit.  Can’t really fight that logic.  Mona realizes Hanna has not been listening to her and she has a meltdown.  Telling Hanna how selfish she is.  Am I the only one thinking pot calling the kettle black?   Hanna retreats to the bathroom to hide and cry.  While Hanna is hiding crying in the bathroom Emily get a call from someone disguising her voice, turns out it’s Maya.  Apparently they are a couple again, who knew? They also will be going out tonight. Yes, it’s a school night.  Maya needs Emily to get her a fake Id—no problem Emily says.  While on the phone with Emily, Maya gets a calls she seems a bit distressed about and doesn’t take it.  She is not my favorite of Emily’s lady friends.  I think Emily can do better. Maya always seems to have an agenda to me.  I do like seeing Emily happy so we’ll so where it goes this time. Meanwhile, back in the crying room, also know as the ladies room at Rosewood High, Hanna has decide to put on her big girl panties and come out. Unfortunately for Hanna while she was sobbing “A” was leaving her a little gift.  Someone had filled the sink with water and places a tiny wooden rowboat in it.  Cue the text—“Life is but a dream, Hanna.  And I am your nightmare. “A”.  Now she has something to cry about.

Spencer and Aria are off to Philly hoping to find some clues to who bought the stuff in the attic at the lake house.  Turns out the place the receipt was from is a newsstand. Aris says “isn’t Melissa’s condo about 10 blocks from here? Spencer is either not listening to Aria or doesn’t know who Melissa is and who could blame her, they’re really aren’t very close.  Aria stays about 5 minutes and then gets back on the train to go home for her date.  I don’t see any point to Aria having made the trip except to point out that Melissa has a condo nearby, therefore I am thinking that might be important info. After Aria leaves Spencer starts to notice the area she is in a full of blind people and lots of cute dogs.  I may be the one that noticed all the dogs. Anyway, back to the blind people.  Turns out across from the place the receipt came from is a rehabilitation center for the blind.  Spencer goes in to have a look around.  She tries to get some info from the lady at the desk as to whether Jenna had ever been there but the lady was not the giving type.  Luckily a nice young blind man heard Spencer asking and was happy to tell her that Jenna had indeed been there and what a sweet person she was.  Must not be the Jenna we know and hate.  Spencer tells the guy that she knew Jenna some years ago, but not from Rosewood.  If you are smart enough to lie about that maybe it would be a good idea not to use your real name.  We all know Spencer is a very common name so not to worry.  As Spencer is leaving she realizes everyone must sign in and out so she steals the sign in book from the time Ali died. 

Caleb is very concerned about where Lucas is.  He tries to get info out of Hanna but she is not at all concerned with Lucas.  They fight and Caleb leaves.  Aria heads off for her date with Holden.  As Aria had hoped Ezra also shows up.  It is like a scene from a 20’s silent movie.  They both stop and stare at each other for what seems like hours, but was just seconds.  In slow-mo Aria looks just like a Barbie doll.  Just as you think they are going to run into one another’s  arms Holden and some lame teacher come between them.  A moment lost forever.  Holden seems far from a rocket scientist but even he could see something might be going on between Aria and Ezra. 

When Spencer gets off the train from Philly it’s dark and the music is scary so we are sure something bad is about to happen to Spencer.  It’s just Mona.  It was very random and so odd that it must mean something but again I have no idea.  Mona tells Spencer she is heartbroken because Noel broke up with her so she has been in the city shopping to take the pain away.  Smart girl, that always works for me.  Not so much for her because she just purchased five cashmere blend sweater sets and she says she never wears sweater sets or blends.  Again, who knew she was so smart? Spencer gives her a pep talk and that’s that.   Seemed an odd fit so I do think we should make something of it.

Hanna is feeling bad about the fight with Caleb and keeps leaving him messages.  Its dark and stormy, Hanna’s back door is open but she thinks it’s from the storm. She fails to see the muddy footprints.  Looks like someone is in the house. Emily and Maya are at the club.  Maya gets another phone call she seems afraid to answer.  She tells Emily she hooked up with someone when she was away. Emily is ok with it because they were “on a break” as Ross and Rachael would say. After Emily tells her it’s ok Maya throws Emily a curve ball.  Maya says “he want take no for an answer. Looks like Emily might have a harder time forgiving her with a he than a she.  I’m betting we know the he.  After the play Holden tells Aria he can help her with seeing Ezra because he also has things he would like to keep from his parents.  Wonder what? 

We’re back at the Marin’s house, I was thinking the power was out because it is so dark in the house but now I see a lamp is on. One lamp for the whole house is taking green way too far.  Thank goodness I got my night vision glasses last week. Hanna goes into her bedroom and Lucas is hiding behind the door.  He tells Hanna he never wanted to hurt her. He says he can’t let her leave the room.  While he is talking she speed dials Caleb who just happens to have just walked into her house.  He hears what is going on and runs up to Hanna’s room.  He says he took Hanna out on the lake just to talk to her that he needed her help telling Caleb what he had done.  Turns out he was betting on basketball games and lost all of Caleb’s money and his own.  Can that be all there is to it?  He has been driving around selling his comic books and collectibles and has some of the money to give back to Caleb.  Caleb is forgiving and says all will be ok.  Hanna says “you are not who I thought you were”.  Could that be the understatement of the year?  Who is in this town? 

So here we are, I wish someone had a clock because I would love to know what time it is. It’s a school night, duh, Aria has been to a play with Holden that we know started at 7:30 and they went for coffee after.  Emily went out of town to a concert, Spencer has been all over the place and Hanna has had the encounter with Lucas.  It has to be at least midnight maybe later but the girls have met up at Spencer’s for dumplings and  to discuss the day’s events.  I don’t understand why they don’t all just move into Spencer’s house. I think we all know her parents may never come back.  They discuss that the person in the green house wasn’t Lucas and from the sign in book they discover that the day Jenna told them Allison came to visit she was not there or at least did sign in.  They also see that the day Allison “went missing” Garrett signed in and also signed Jenna out at 10:15pm and never signed her back in.  When they say never do they mean never never ever? Or not until the next day.  I need to know this.  Not a question the orphans seems to need to answer they are ready to eat dumplings.  They may have to go to bed hungry, the boxes are full of worms and dirt—here comes the text “This is what live bait looks like.  Now we’re even bitches! “A”.  I don’t get it!  Does “A” work at the Chinese restaurant?  Who knew Rosewood had another restaurant?  I’ve never seen anyone go anywhere other than the Apple Rose Grill. On another note why don’t they ever put on comfortable clothing for these late night meetings?  So many questions.  Cut to the final scene- we see a black glove loosening a bolt on scaffolding.  I would take a guess who this was meant to hurt but I don’t have to because the scenes from next week show Toby falling.  I wouldn’t mind losing him but I doubt we will.

Until next week—-got a secret can you keep it?