I’ve gotten a few comments about how I need to layoff Fatty McDance’s weight. Uh, until she lays of the Quarter Pounders I think you should probably go read another blog. 

The episode starts off per usual- with Fatty McDance berating the girls for their performance in North Carolina. Please note that McDance is wearing a shirt with a bedazzled butterfly on it. It’s beautiful.

Fatty McD announces the girls are performing in Ohio this week. You know who lives there? CATHY NESBITT and her Candy Apple dancers. Everyone is real excited to beat those idiots. 

Kendall is on the bottom of the pyramid, along with ol’ dead weight McKenzie, Brooke and Paige. Paige isn’t even there because of her dancing, but because Abby had to tell her to sit down 32 times on the bus. That seems like a good reason. Oh, PS, who did McKenzie have to bang to get into this troupe? She’s the worst. 

Nia and Chloe are in the middle, but of course Maddie is on the top.

The girls are doing a dance called Bad Apples. It’s a little 40s, a little Katy Perry and a has a little bit of novelty. THAT SOUNDS JUST GREAT. 

Brooke has a solo. So there is obviously a creepy put-your-legs-over-your-head aspect of the routine. I HATE WHEN SHE “DANCES.”

The moms head up to the OBSERVATION MEZZANINE to discuss the pyramid. Jill is really pissed about this. Uh, she’s new, stupid. Jill says Nia kind of sucks and should be bumped down to the bottom of the pyramid. Holly, of course, assumes she’s racist. 

STOP FIGHTING, OLD BROADS, IT’S A PYRAMID OF FAKE WORTH!

Christi and Kelly go to drink their lunch and gossip about the other girls and moms. Christi pulls out a years-old book with old dance scores in it to prove that Kendall has danced against Maddie and Chloe. Wow, Christi, that’s cool of you. Kendall came in 10th place against Maddie (who placed first, obviously) and Chloe (er…who placed 3rd) in some competition that happened years ago. Christi and Kelly have also decided to find out why Jill and Kendall are “studio hoppers.”

We get to see Brooke do some of her creepy “acrobatics” while she rehearsing for the solo she’ll be doing against Erica, one of Cathy’s apples. 

Vivi is also rehearsing and is told by Cathy Nesbitt, “dance for that puppy.” Great mothering! Also, PLEASE DON’T LET CATHY NESBITT OR VIVI GET A DOG! Vivi is going to squeeze that puppy to death like she’s Lenny. 

Cathy Nesbitt accidentally cuts Vivi’s hand with her ring. “I hope I can still dance,” Vivi says in her zombie tone. (She scares me a little.)

Back at THE FATTY MCDANCE DANCE COMPANY the girls are all traipsing around like prostitutes while the moms are upstairs being assholes. Christi whips out her little program book so she can show Jill the scores. 

Kelly heads downstairs to give Brooke her props. Fatty McDance yells at her for coming downstairs. Then she asks if Kelly is drunk. She probably is, but you shouldn’t ask that in front of a dance class. “She wonders why my kids want to do other things,” Kelly says. Uh, let them do other things! 

Kelly has a meltdown. She should go hang out with Kim Richards.

In Ohio Cathy Nesbitt is teaching her dancers how to dance. “Look at me with your ears,” she says. Makes sense.

The Fatty McDance girls get their hideous costumes. They involved sequined red shorts. And something called a snood. I have no idea what that means.

Abby beckons for Holly and Jill to the rehearsal room so they can watch up close what Nia and Kendall are doing wrong. What’s that going to do? Are Holly and Jill going to teach them at home? 

Later that day the team heads to Ohio. Fatty McDance spends the entire time yelling at the bus driver. 

Melissa and Jill announce they went out and bought at gift for Fatty McDance. They got her a big ugly gold and black ring. “How ‘bout the next time you’re out, I need a husband,” Abby tells them of their next shopping excursion. Good luck.

When they arrive at the hotel the moms get a note from Cathy Nesbitt inviting them to a cocktail party. At the Sheraton! “It’s first class all the way,” Cathy Nesbitt says. Um, does she know she’s staying at a Sheraton? (More like steerage.)

(Note: I’m really nervous for this competition!) 

None of the moms thought to buy the same snoods. Apparently a snood is a hairnet with a more confusing name. Fatty McDance is none too pleased that the snoods don’t match. GET IT TOGETHER, MOMS!

Fatty McDance finds out the moms went to a party at Cathy Nesbitt’s hotel room. SHE IS FURIOUS! 

It’s time to dance! The girls do their Bad Apple routine. I feel like I finally got my time machine to work and I’m in 1953. (AND I HATE IT!)

Candy Apple Dance Studio is up next. They’re dressed like Spanish hookers. They also look like they could be the mothers of the Fatty McDance troupe. 

Everyone is REALLY nervous after seeing that dance! And really mad that the Candy Apple kids look like grown adults. 

Time for the awards! Somehow Abby’s girls win. How is that even possible? Candy Apple doesn’t even place! Cathy Nesbitt is pissed! She asks to see the scores. But she doesn’t have time to focus because Erica has to go up against Brooke in the solo competition. 

Brooke does her usual creepy dance. Then, Erica does a fairly similar creepy dance to the worst song ever recorded by man. Abby is sure Erica is too old to be competing in this category. Leigh, the competition official, claims that people are complaining that Erica is too old to be performing in the 11-12 competition. Turns out they’re right. Cathy Nesbitt has been cheating. Cathy Nesbitt then says Brooke is also too old. Even though Brooke is 13 she didn’t turn 13 until after the cut-off to compete in the 11-12 age group. FATTY MCDANCE WOULD NEVER CHEAT!

Cathy Nesbitt proceeds to verbally abuse everyone in the Fatty McDance studio. YOU TELL THEM, CATHY NESBITT!