Let it be known, Internet, that I don’t know these broads or the gentlemen who impregnated them. I know very basic info I’ve read in tabloids about each of them, but I don’t watch the show, I don’t have nicknames for them and I don’t have a real connection with them like I do Braces, Farrah, Vaguely Asian and Beeeeentley’s Mom. But here goes…

I can sense that Jenelle is going to be my favorite. She’s filled with rage in the PREVIOUSLY ON segment.

The show opens with Chelsea moving into a new apartment. She has a really beautiful animal print rug. Right after hanging her last Anne Geddes print she heads out to pick up some job applications. She interviews with an orange lady at a tanning salon. She really sells herself with, “I’m working on my GED and planning to go to cosmetology school.” The orange lady claims she’ll call in the next day or so. Chelsea also made the wise decision to bring her child with her to the interview. 

Kailyn apparently had a fight with babydaddy, Joe, about how much child support he’ll have to pay. She meets with some hillbilly friends to discuss this issue. They eat pizza that looks so delicious that I’m too distracted to listen to the show. 

Kailyn looks like she works around meth. 

Leah makes me sad because something is wrong with Ali, one of her twins. It mostly makes me sad because I feel like I have to be nicer to her. GODDAMN DEVELOPMENTAL DELAYS! I will say that I HATE babies with pierced ears. It’s gross. But I’d expect nothing less from these trailer dwellers. 

I don’t understand a word Corey, her husband (are they still married? Didn’t she cheat on him twice?), says. And I speak fluent Southern. I believe he says he wants to become a coal miner. That’s always a good move because miners never get trapped for days until they die from a lack of air or water. Why is coal mining still a thing? Anyway, they decide to learn more about coal mining.

Jenelle! Her boyfriend/babydaddy, Kiefer (presumably not Sutherland) broke up with her. “I’m not supposed to be smoking weed because I have court in a few weeks,” she says. But it’s SO SUPER HARD TO QUIT AND STUFF. Her mom (the one who sounds like she’s an extra in Newsies) sets some ground rules for her. Stop sleeping! Look for a job! Go to school! “I did not choose to have a baby at 57. You chose to have this baby and now all the responsibility is on me,” her mom says. Touche, mom, touche.

Jenelle threatens to punch a wall because she hasn’t smoked weed all day. “I LIKE TO SMOKE ABOUT THIS TIME OF THE DAY,” she screams. Then she goes to smoke it. “Jenelle, YOU’RE STRUNG OUT ON WEED,” her mom says. I LOVE THESE TWO! GIVE THEM THEIR OWN NETWORK. (I might be hooked!)

Chelsea gets a call from that orange broad at the tanning salon offering her the job. That totally makes sense. 

Leah talking about Ali’s tests coming back negative is like Braces constantly talking about Carly. I don’t want to watch Ali’s physical therapy. When Leah gets home she and Corey have an unexpected letter from the geneticist. While the tests came back negative (duh, they’ve told me 14 times!) there may be some formal of skeletal dysplasia or some such. They want to follow-up in one year. A year? Great doctor! 

Leah proceeds to Google skeletal dysplasia. It may involve something about midgets, but the twins are crying and Corey is mumbling so I have no idea what’s happening. “It just confuses me,” Leah says. Get in line.

Jenelle is back! I’VE MISSED YOU, JENELLE! She meets up with her friend Tori. Tori is a mess. She’s all beat up and has a lip piercing. That’s totally cool! Jenelle says she’s reached her breaking point. She likes living with her son, Jace, but she can’t take her mother. Tori invites Jenelle to move in with her and Tyler. “It’s $850 a month so he’d probably make you pay 3 or 4,” Tori says. To ever the mathematician, Jenelle replies,”that’s cool.” $400 is not 1/3 of $850. Also, where are they that $850 pays for a place that houses three human beings? Is this the same town Braces and Lanky live?

Chelsea finally heard from ex-Adam. He’s coming over tonight. In the meantime she calls her dad Randy to gloat about getting a job at Year Round Brown. It’s a real riveting conversation that I enjoyed listening to!

Adam comes over and they proceed to lay around under Forever Lazys™. They decide to watch Tears of the Sun, but he spends the entire time on his phone. Wait, are they still a couple? “You’re stupid as hell,” he says. Yep, looks like they’re still a couple!

Kailyn drops her baby off at Joe’s house. Joe complains to a friend who kind of looks like Malcolm X about Kailyn filing for child support. 

I stopped paying attention for a minute. Sorry. (I’m a great recapper!)

Jenelle shows up at her mom’s house to tell her she’s moving in with Tori and Tyler. She claims it’s so she can be responsible. Yeah, that’s why. 

Jace looks like a stoner. (Probably because of all that weed he smoked in the womb.)

Everyone is really enthusiastic about Chelsea’s job. You’d think she was just named chief of surgery at a hospital, not part time desk lady at a tanning salon. 

Kailyn gets a letter stating how much Joe owes each month in child support. She shows her boyfriend Jordan. He owes $489 a month. “That’s a lot,” Jordan says. Is it? What can you do with $489 a month? You can’t even live in Jenelle’s new house for that. I am so glad I wasn’t born into poverty! 

She calls Joe so they can meet up at Tic Toc Diner to talk. That makes me want a grilled cheese. WHY AM I ALWAYS HUNGRY? 

Tori helps Jenelle pack up- thank God she remembers to pack her 8th grade hoodie, her high school diploma and her guitar. Then she tries to leave without saying goodbye to Jace. She arrives at her new house and immediately plugs in her lava lamp. I did the same thing when I moved to Chicago!

Tori needs to throw away that pleather jacket with shoulder pads.

Leah decides to call the geneticist to have them explain the letter. Nothing is really explained. They still want to see her in a year. I think Leah should look into real doctors. 

GIMME MORE JENELLE!

Chelsea really likes Victoria Secret soft clothes. She complains that Adam doesn’t like her as much as she likes him, but she still wants to have a house with him. Makes sense. 

Jenelle gets a Facebook message from Kiefer! “I miss yu baby u meen everything to me plz come talk to me i am lost without yu 117.” I AM SO GLAD THEY WERE ALLOWED TO PROCREATE! SO GLAD! This message makes Jenelle completely change her mind about Kiefer. Yesterday she hated him, now she’s kind of into him. She invites him over and they kind of get back together. That seems about right. (I hope she gets pregnant again!)

Kailyn and Joe meet up to talk about the child support issue. I totally don’t care. They don’t even eat. What a waste.