I’ve been looking forward to this Lifetime movie since about the time that Drew Peterson started murdering all his wives. Then once I saw the trailer for it I knew that I’d have a new favorite Made For TV Movie™. I don’t really enjoy recapping things that are 2 hours long, but once I started it I knew I had a lot to say about it. Rob Lowe is awesome. I love his big gray mustache. The movie starts with some dumb interview that I don’t really care about. Start killing all your wives, please. This is apparently an interview after some of the wives had been murdered.

Cut to the past. Drew is banging his wife. It’s real sexy, especially with that big grey mustache. Their son, Justin, catches them. IT IS TOTALLY CREEPY because Drew says, “you were gettin’ too much lovin’ from big daddy.” HE SAYS THAT OUTLOUD AND THEN HE GETS UP NUDE FOR HIS SON TO SEE AND THEN SAYS “HE HAS A RIGHT TO KNOW WHY THEY CALL ME BIG DADDY” AND I CAN’T STOP WRITING IN ALL CAPS WITH NO GRAMMAR. I don’t know what to do! I am both creeped out and so excited that this movie was made!

After that creep-fest, Drew and his partner (he’s a Bollingbrook, IL cop) are out on a call. They go to a hotel because some crazy drunk man is running around with scissors. I AM READY FOR DREW PETERSON TO KILL SOMEONE NOW.

Anyway, at the hotel he meets some slutty desk clerk Stacy (played by Kaley Cuoco from that dreadful BIG BANG THEORY. [PS If you watch that please don’t talk to me.]) Drew and Stacy do some really uncomfortable flirting. Then Drew makes a really sexy arrest in front of her. Luckily she’s leaving her shift just as this is happening so she gets to blow him a kiss as her friend who picked her up drives by. Another sexy scene! SEXY!

The next day Drew and his current (undead) wife, Kathleen, head out to a party at the police station. They obviously hate each other. He makes really hilarious jokes about her period and stuff. HEY KATHLEEN, LET HIM MAKE THOSE JOKES. HE’S GOING TO KILL YOU IF YOU DON’T.

The party looks terrible… just a bunch of drunk cops and wives and a few sluts. Kathleen gets drunk and won’t bang Drew in a jail cell so he locks her in it. Seems about right. 

This is the best movie I’ve ever seen- on TV or in theaters.

Sometime later in the week a nice big Harley pulls up to the motel where Stacy works. GUESS WHO IS ON IT? DREW PETERSON! He revs up that hog to impress her. AND IT WORKS! 

They go for a ride to the place where he keeps his plane. What? She thinks he has tons of money because of this. Um, he’s a cop. She knows this. He says he owns some businesses. He wants to take her out for steak and lobster. “I’ve never had lobster,” she says. Uh, who hasn’t had lobster? What kind of hillbilly is she? 

They do some kissing and then he tells her that, technically, he’s still married. By technically he means he hasn’t killed her yet. 

The following morning he arrives home and Kathleen goes crazy. They fight, but HE JUST WON’T KILL HER.

Later he gives Stacy a car. (He’ll eventually kill her so this doesn’t really make up for that fact.) 

Drew brings Stacy to his basement to bang her. She seems fairly OK with this. Later in the day Kathleen shows Drew a letter she got in the mail saying how stupid she is for not knowing he is cheating on her. She kicks him out of the house. But he’s untouchable, bitch, so he doesn’t leave. 

Uhoh, Stacy is pregnant! BETTER KILL HER NOW! Turns out he’s excited, or so he says. 

Drew keeps breaking into his own house to get things, but mostly to scare Kathleen. She calls the cops. Good luck, he’s a cop too. They let each other murder. 

Kathleen tries to warn Stacy, but Stacy is too dumb to listen. 

She has the baby, they get married, everything is great! (Except for all the murder that is going to happen soon.)

Then we cut back to the present time interview. He asks Drew about all the phone calls Kathleen made to the police when Drew broke into the house. 

Back in the past, Drew goes to drop the kids off at Kathleen’s, but she’s mysteriously not home. He has a neighbor go in and look for her. Guess what the neighbor finds? HER DEAD BODY IN THE BATHTUB! I wonder if Drew had anything to do with this?

Drew takes Stacy to the police station so they can question her. Luckily Drew has given her some rehearsed answers to say. Also, she’s pregnant again. So that’s cool. 

He calls Stacy a “big, fat sweaty monster.” Marry me, Drew Peterson! 

Stacy and Drew have a daughter. Then he gives her a new cell phone and tells her to answer it on the third ring every time he calls. What a caring husband. 

Drew checks Stacy’s email and phone. Then he smashes her up against a TV. This all happens during a BBQ. Typical BBQ activities. 

Stacy decides she wants a job. Drew is having none of that. He shuts that right down! 

Drew stakes out his own house. “You keep your damn pole away from my wife,” he says to his partner. 

Stacy’s sister dies. At the funeral Drew announces that he’s sure Stacy has been banging her sister’s husband. Later that night he says, “I want to know how many times you banged him. You forget that I know the kind of whore you are” while he slams her down and holds her hostage. She says Kathleen was right, he has to leave. She threatens to tell everyone he killed Kathleen. Uh, good luck with that. You’ll be dead by dawn. 

The next day Stacy goes to lunch with an ex-boyfriend to talk about how brave she used to be or something. GUESS WHO SHOWS UP? DREW PETERSON, BITCH! He stands over their table while they eat. He’s obsessed with her banging other people.

I’m ready for him to kill Stacy now. 

Oh, good. He does. He says “she left to go to her sister’s and never returned.” THAT IS ALWAYS THE CASE. Stop using that excuse, Husbands-Who-Murder. We all know it means you killed your wife and buried her body somewhere for Roy Kronk to find her. 

Later he says she left him for another man.

Drew Peterson is almost as good at murder as Emily Thorne is at revenge. 

Stacy’s sister goes to a newspaper reporter to tell him the whole story. He was the same reporter who kind of investigated Kathleen’s death. Then Matt Lauer comes in and does a story. Shit’s hitting the fan like crazy, Drew Peterson.

He takes the kids over to the neighbors house and then announces to her, “it’s been a long time since I banged a girl in the bathroom.” Then he talks about how much he loves Stacy, while really scary music plays. (PS I bit off all my nails.)

These poor kids, their moms keep getting murdered. 

He still hasn’t said, “I’m untouchable, bitch” yet. WHEN IS THAT GOING TO HAPPEN? 

Drew’s brother tries to kill himself. Are they sure Drew didn’t try to kill him? He’s so into killing and all.

Meredith Viera is all over this movie. I love her on MILLIONAIRE!

Drew tells a reporter she’s so hot. Then he scares some people at his old police station. He’s really not doing well not acting creepy and suspicious. 

I wish he had another wife to murder. 

Drew goes on a media tour of the country. He’s obsessed with talking about Stacy’s period, too. He’s gay for menstruation. 

Drew and some friends head out to pick up broads. Ladies know he’s killed like 20 people and they still bang him. Fact: Women are too stupid to be alive. 

He gets engaged to some 23-year-old single mother named Chloe. Women are the best! But later she storms out in fear. Then he kind of threatens her. It’s all in good fun, Chloe!

Drew heads over to the neighbors house to do some threatening. Then he says it! “I’M UNTOUCHABLE, BITCH!” as he shuts her garage with the opener he stole from her. 

Drew goes on Larry King to “clear up some misconceptions.” Doesn’t really work. We all know you love killing wives, Drew!

Drew has his brother help him carry a huge barrel out of the house and dispose of it. It’s probably not a body or anything, Brother. 

He gets arrested and makes some hilarious jokes. Shockingly not about his wives periods.