I’ve been putting off recapping this episode mostly because I hate seeing myself in these people the television deems “freaks.” What’s so bad about being addicted to cheesy potatoes? NOTHING! THEY ARE DELICIOUS. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THIS. STOP TELLING ME THAT THERE IS.

Anyway, I’m obviously on this person’s side. I think cheesy potatoes should make up the entire food pyramid. Nothing else. (PS I know that the pyramid has been changed to a plate or a circle or something stupid, but call me Abby Lee Miller, I love a pyramid.)

I’m already craving the cheesy potato recipe I’ve been eating since I was a kid and I haven’t even started the episode yet. (Email me for the recipe. It will change your life.)

Moving on…Kelly loves cheesy potatoes because she’s a genius. She’s 34 and so what if she’s obese? She eats 8000 calories a day- all potatoes and cheese. That’s 8 potatoes and 4 cups of cheese. MARRY ME, KELLY. 

She also likes sitting in the car eating cheesy potatoes. It reminds me of the time I ate a pizza in the car. Three times. Or the time I ate Nutella in the car. 12 times. Or the time I bought a candy apple out of someone’s trunk and ate it in the car. That just happened once. 

(I am so lucky I’m not obese and diabetic. Just writing about this makes me realize this.)

I wonder if a potato molested Kelly.

When she was 4 she was forced to eat food that didn’t agree with her. Since that time she’s only eaten cheesy potatoes. 

“I don’t really eat in front of other people. I don’t really want people to know,” she says. On camera. On national TV. (Does she not see the camera? Is she confused? Am I confused?)

Kelly can’t stand the smell or look of most foods- especially vegetables. When her husband is cooking she sprawls out on the couch. He tries to force her to eat a green vegetable, but she gags and cries. She GAGS AND CRIES. 

She’s gained 150 lbs in 3 years. Get in line, fatty. 

My favorite part of the show is watching her lounge on her too-small couch. 

JJ Virgin and Mike Dow to the rescue! They’re sure to waste a ton of potatoes by throwing them on the ground later. They startle here while she’s eating potatoes in an alley. 

She cries again. Man up. You’re untouchable, bitch. 

She doesn’t even seem to eat cheesy potatoes that look that great. There are so many better ways to make cheesy potatoes. Oh! But she does make a cheesy potato burrito on weekends that sounds like something I’d be interested in.

Patrick, her husband, cries a lot too. He’s afraid he’s going to wake up next to a dead wife. 

It’s time to show Kelly how many potatoes and how much cheese she consumes in 4 months. He pours buckets of potatoes down a hill. CATCH THEM AND EAT THEM, KELLY.

She eats 900 lbs of potatoes in 4 months. Kelly thinks it’s disgusting. I think it’s a dream!

They make her pour her monthly amount of cheese on the potatoes. EAT IT OFF THE GROUND, KELLY. 

She cries again and they make her talk to the cheesy potatoes. It’s a moving moment. Or it would be if I weren’t in my kitchen making cheesy potatoes and not paying attention.

Now she’s getting checked for Diabetes and heart disease. Stop being a downer, JJ Virgin. 

“I thought I was healthy, just overweight,” Kelly says. To which JJ Virgin responds, “you’re morbidly obese.” GO TO HELL, JJ VIRGIN. NOBODY ASKED YOU. 

In other news I was Googling this broad to try to find a better picture of her sprawled out on her couch and I found a picture of this delicious looking sandwich:

Mike Dow does some therapy where he makes Kelly touch foods that creep her out. Well, first she has to touch a potato. She’s real happy to touch the potato. Next up: her enemy, BROCCOLI! I’m bored by this segment. I’d like to see her eat some more cheesy potatoes. 

They give her cheesy potato burritos, but they put some enemy-food in each one. She’s OK with this! SHE’S A QUITTER. 

They force her to eat ham. Looking at her you’d think she’d be totally into ham, but she isn’t. 

Moving on…JJ Virgin makes her start exercising. By exercising I mean walking while carrying a bag of potatoes. 

Kelly makes some progress or whatever. Boring. On the third day she attempts to try broccoli. But she makes the mistake of adding cheese on it and that causes her to spiral into a cheesy potato nightmare. She eats the broccoli though. She doesn’t hate it, but then she devours a plate of cheesy potatoes. 

JJ Virgin and Mike Dow return 7 days later to check on her. They are OK with the fact that she slipped and ate some cheesy potatoes. They are a little upset that she still can’t eat with her husband. So they make her have a full blown meal with him at a table. (Why is he married to her? [Don’t tell me it’s because of love.] 

She succeeds! “This is the first salad I’ve ever aten in my entire life.” Next up for Kelly, grammar lessons! 

She hasn’t eaten (aten) cheesy potatoes since the experts left. She should probably kill herself.