I’m kind of glad the finale is finally here. It’s been a bunk season of RHoBH and I really hate watching it. 

 Lisa VANDERPUMP is preparing for Pandora’s “intimate” wedding. By intimate they mean huge. The tent is bigger than most houses. VANDERPUMP is concerned about the flowers because it’s so hot out. Ugh, I’m so bored. 

Oh joy! Adrienne and Paul. Paul is having his millionth colonoscopy, but he still asks questions like he’s never had one and like he’s not a doctor. Paul asks Adrienne to help him give himself an enema. I am sick. Luckily she’s a bitch and won’t do it. And why are we seeing him getting a colonoscopy? Was there NOTHING ELSE to show? NOTHING? No footage of Russell hitting Taylor? No footage of someone sleeping? This is pointless. Ugh, I’m so bored.

Back at the VANDERPUMP manse they’re [still] excitedly getting ready for the wedding. I DIDN’T SIGN ON TO THIS SHOW TO WATCH PANDORA. I am so bored watching this. VANDERPUMP wears a wife beater while watching someone wheel in a $9500 wedding cake. It comes in in stages. Ken carries in a part of it, much to VANDERPUMP’S dismay.

Kyle makes Mauricio and Portia help her decide what to wear to the big wedding. Mauricio doesn’t really care. Kyle shows him some of her typical ugly dresses. She’s so pretty, but she wears the tackiest clothes. If I see her in a strappy-sided dress one more time I will kill someone. And how does Mauricio not have black tie? Everyone has black tie! Except hillbillies. This is obviously staged. There is no way he doesn’t his own tuxedo.

Franc is nowhere to be found. VANDERPUMP is pissed. She shouldn’t have hired that creepy asian-ish fagatron in the first place. 

Camille and her hired friend, Elizabeth, are picking out a dress for the wedding too. No way did any of these people pick dresses the day of the event. I don’t even do that and I wear pajamas most of the time. So I certainly wouldn’t do it if I was forced to wear gowns. 

Camille is dating some man named Demitri. She’s not ready for marriage (uh, duh. It’s not like you’re a lesbian.), but one day when she can “trust again” (blah blah blah) she might be. 

Franc finally arrives in a woman’s shirt and pants. He looks nice. Except for his clothes and his body and, especially, his horrible face. Why is he made out of wax? He keeps telling VANDERPUMP to relax because everything is his job. Uh, then why did you show up an hour before the ceremony?

Some creepy triplets arrive to do hair and make-up. VANDERPUMP’S son, Max, comes in with a mohawk, and she promptly makes him shave it off. Only because it looks like a ferret. 

Ken decides to write a speech an hour before the wedding. But first he and VANDERPUMP decide what black tie outfit Giggy will wear. He has multiple ones to choose from, but Mauricio doesn’t even have one? Makes sense.

The wedding is almost underway. There are hundreds of dogs. Pandora can barely walk down the stairs because her dress is so huge and stiff. VANDERPUMP and Ken are so happy for her. They’re good eggs, those two.

All the other broads and their gentlemen are at the House of Crap and Gold™ having a pre-wedding drink. (In some terrible circles this is known as pre-gaming. I hope those circles catch on fire.)

How does no one know that Jason, Pandora’s fiance/husband, is the gayest person alive? He kind of makes Franc look straight. 

I’m bored at this wedding. Thank God it’s over.

Three weeks later- Kyle is preparing for a dinner party with the broads. 

Mauricio is so handsome.

Everyone is real dressed up at this dinner/cocktail party. I am glad all the dinner parties I have involve soft clothes. And also no guests. (I hate chatting.)

Kim’s dead or something. This is also the first time the broads have seen Taylor since Russell’s demise. 

They all seem to think Kennedy is going to be OK because she’s so young. Uh, her dad beat up her mom and then hung himself. She’s going to be on an episode of Freaky Eaters or Beyond Scared Straight before we know it. 

Adrienne presents each lady with a Maloof Hoof. Everyone’s obviously really thrilled. 

Thank God that’s over.