Dance Moms! It’s that time of the week again! Questions for the lovely readers of this blog: what do you think of this season of Dance Moms? Are you enjoying it as much? Is something missing? 

I feel like some of that magic from last season is gone. I can’t quite explain it, but some of the joy of watching is gone for me this season. 

Moving on….this week the little broads are headed to New Jersey for their competition. Let’s go over the pyramid first. Nia is at the bottom because she’s an idiot and she screwed up the choreography last week. YOU HAVE ONE JOB TO DO, NIA, AND THAT IS TO DANCE. GET IT RIGHT! The bottom is rounded out by Kendall, that new kid who looks like a haggard chain smoking single mother. She started four counts ahead of everyone else. OH NO SHE DI’INT! (PS I just had to Google how to say/spell that because I’m white and I’ve never said it. This will mark both the first and last time I say it.) Paige and Mackenzie are also on the bottom. Mackenzie should be in the gutter. She shouldn’t even be on this pyramid. But this week she has a solo. Good God.

Maddie isn’t on top! She’s in the middle. She has some rehearsed, “I’m glad I’m not on a top. I want someone else to know what it feels like.” Uh, sure you do. I WISH YOU WEREN’T A LIAR. Also in the middle: Chloe.

Somehow Brooke is on the top. HOLD THE PHONE. What just happened? She lays on the floor and spins around on her neck. What? WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE? Who’d she have to bang to get to the top?

Mackenzie, Maddie and Chloe are all doing solos this week. Maddie and Chloe will be going head to head in the same age group. Christi is obviously nervous about this. 

The group routine is called BORN TO DANCE and it’s about a child being born. I’m already grossed out and Brooke hasn’t even started gyrating on her own neck yet. 

Fatty McDance really stresses Brooke out by telling her this all depends on her- she’s the glue holding it together. 

They do some rehearsing and I hate it. The moms are all up in the OBSERVATION MEZZANINE freaking out about the girls doing a dance about birth. Especially when they see the girls acting as though they are being expunged from a vagina.

Then the moms gang up on Melissa and ask how she feels about Maddie not being on top. She doesn’t think it’s fair that Maddie wasn’t on top, but is glad someone else got a chance. BLAH BLAH BLAH. 

“Right now Brooke’s the best,” Kelly says. Um, no she’s not. You’re an idiot.

Brooke can’t take how hard Fatty McDance is being on her this week. She’s also consumed with wanting to be a cheerleader. Later that night she goes to a football game even though Fatty McDance wants her to stay focused on dancing. At the game some cheerleaders ask her if she’s going to try out for the squad. Then we see Brooke and Kelly at home, which makes me uncomfortable because we almost never seen them at home. They have a real moving heart-to-heart about how Brooke needs to make a decision. If she decides to cheer Fatty McDance is sure to never let her in the dance studio again. (I’m not sure why she’d care.)

Back at the Fatty McDance Dance Studio, McD is rehearsing with Mackenzie. It’s not going well. Probably because Mackenzie is kind of dumb. And by “kind of” I mean “it’s unclear as to whether or not she actually has all of the lobes of a brain.”

The moms go to Olive or Twist (HA! PUN!) to drink some Cosmos like it’s 1998. Kelly tells them that Brooke is thinking about cheering. They all seem to think Brooke is a real asshole for wanting to do this in the middle of the season.

Maddie is rehearsing her solo. It’s jazzy. She’s not all that excited about jazz. Who is?

Chloe is also rehearsing. Her routine is called Don’t Touch Me (about molestation? Who’s to say?) and she loves it because it’s lyrical. She also loves it because she’s so sweet and agreeable that she likes everything. She’s a good little egg. I hope she makes it to Broadway one day.

Midway through the group routine rehearsal Fatty McD realizes Brooke isn’t even there. How is she just figuring this out? SHE GOES NUTS. She really takes it out on Maddie for some reason. Then she starts calling for Brooke. Uh, good luck, she’s off sleeping with a football player or something. 

McDance beckons Kelly to come explain where Brooke is. “Something came up at school,” she says. Shouldn’t someone have said this before now? Fatty McDance goes ballistic. “SHE’S SCREWING ME, I CAN FEEL IT,” Mrs. McDance says of Brooke. Uh, I doubt she could feel any sort of screwing, what with all that girth.

Abby cancels the group routine. The moms don’t want to go if it’s just for solos. Christi stands behind Brooke’s decision because she’s a decent human being and there is something called free will and Brooke seems to be exercising hers.

Fatty McDance changes her mind- the group will be going, but she’ll be taking her name of the routine. She will not have her name attached to this and she will not be traveling with them!

She really seems to hate football players and cheerleaders. Probably because she was a big fat nerd in high school. (And adulthood.)

The group gets ready to depart on their bus. They’re having the most fun until Fatty McDance decides to show up and ruins the fun for everyone. Then she realizes Kelly isn’t there and says to Paige, “you really must know who’s important in your household.” She’s the worst person alive. I hope someone sets her on fire. Just because you’re too fat to be alive and everyone hates you doesn’t mean you have to say horrible things to children.

Cathy Nesbitt calls Melissa to tell her that Candy Apple will be at the competition in New Jersey. I’m sure it’ll be grown adults dressed as children competing on their team. 

Fatty McDance does her usual stressing out the girls right before they go on the stage. 

Everyone stands around talking about Cathy Nesbitt. They’re obsessed. (Who isn’t?)

Mackenzie’s solo is up first. Oh God. The craziest thing is that she doesn’t even mess up. I don’t understand.

Chloe does a great job. I hope she finally beats Maddie. Christi is so stressed out watching her dance. (So am I.)

Maddie comes out and does a real slutty jazz routine. I do not like it one bit. Maddie isn’t thrilled by her performance. Get in line, Maddie. 

Back in Pittsburgh, Brooke is trying out for cheerleading. She’s not very good at it, but she makes the team. She’s such a nervous weirdo all the time. 

Mackenzie wins her age group. And then the the world ends and Maddie comes in third. AND CHLOE COMES IN FIRST! I’m so proud of that little broad! 

The girls perform their group routine, but I’m still so happy for Chloe that I don’t really care. The Candy Apple team does a really creepy mermaid dance that features Vivi roaming on and off the stage while a bunch of full blown adults dance around.

Everyone gets all teary-eyed watching the Abby Lee girls do their birth dance. I hate when they do that thing with their arms and walk on their toes like Frankenstein. They come in first! No one needs you, Brooke. (The Candy Apples come in 8th. Nice work.)

After the competition Abby and the moms go to “congratulate” Cathy Nesbitt and ask for a bee costume back that Vivi once wore. (Cathy gave it to Goodwill. That was charitable of her.) Then Cathy Nesbitt makes fun of Christi’s nose and pushes her. Cathy Nesbitt THEN makes fun of Christi’s style…while wearing a blue fur vest. Pot obviously hasn’t met kettle. 

Next week on Dance Moms: Vivi’s laser eyes kill Cathy Nesbitt, Minister Dawn returns and Brooke cries all the way from the cheerleading squad.