What’s wrong with corn starch? It’s in nearly everything that I love! Why do I always feel such a kinship with these creeps? (I wasn’t even molested! WHAT IS MY EXCUSE?) When are JJ Virgin and Mike Dow going to show up at my house? (I’ll probably be in the middle of covering everything I’m eating in poached eggs.)

Let’s meet Nikki, a 34-year-old corn starch enthusiast. “It’s soft,” she says. So is my dog, Monkey, and you don’t see me eating him. (Yet.) She doesn’t even eat corn starch in stuff, she just eats it raw. She eats up to 2 lbs of it a day. That’s [only] 3300 calories. She seems to do the majority of the corn starch eating in her car. That’s where we all do our weird eating. 

All this nonsense started when she was pregnant and had cravings. After she gave birth she got control of this “craziness.” Until tragedy struck and all that corn starch love came back. (Her youngest son died after having a seizure.) Now I feel bad. I can’t even blame this one on the ol’ molestation excuse. 

Nikki is obese. Her ass is the biggest thing I’ve ever seen. Her husband, Charles, thinks she’s only eating 3 boxes a week since they only eat one meal a day together and he doesn’t see it. Turns out she’s eating 14! You’re a dummy, Charles. (Where do you think that giant ass came from?)

SHE HIDES IT EVERYWHERE! Her purse! Under a spare tire! Behind things hanging on her walls! I love this secretive broad. (I sometimes hide Nutella in my backseat. Kindred spirits.)

JJ Virgin and Mike Dow are sure to ruin this party. 

Charles told her she has to get help or he’s leaving. “Corn starch is my best friend,” she says, as the dust from her best friend flies from her mouth. 

Just as Nikki is digging around under her spare tire to find some corn starch, JJ Virgin and Mike Dow startle her. They startle her so badly that corn starch flies from her mouth like a plume of smoke. Also, this is the point in the show where we realize she’s missing a good number of teeth. 

They go back into the house and make her find all of her hidden bags of corn starch. Then they talk about how much she poops. Once a week. Seems normal enough. 

She panics when they tell her she has to tell her husband just how much she’s been eating. I have a hard time feeling sorry for her because I’m so consumed by her pink eye shadow that I can’t focus on much else. 

They drag Nikki to a warehouse to show her that she’s eating 739 lbs of corn starch a year. It’s in a giant pool. JJ Virgin and Mike Dow actually walk across the corn starch! (Like Jesus, but instead of water it’s corn starch.) IT’S LIKE CEMENT! WHAT?!? How is she alive? She’s been doing this for 16 years. SHE’S A MEDICAL MIRACLE. 

Next up, they dump 6 months worth of corn starch on the floor. It looks like a volcano eruption. It’s a powdery mess and it makes me want to make cookies.

Nikki seems to accept that she has a problem. This has been a real wakeup call for her. 

Now it’s time for her to address Charles about her addiction. He’s totally shocked that she eats 2 boxes a day and she’s been hiding it everywhere. Don’t make her feel bad, Charles.

Apparently Nikki hasn’t had anywhere to go with her sadness so she eats corn starch. “I don’t want her to go to corn starch, I want her to go to her husband,” Mike Dow says. Who doesn’t want that, Mike Dow?

She promises to stop eating corn starch, but she has to go the doctor to see if she’s already done the damage. 

I still can’t believe she only poops once a week. 

Turns out she’s totally healthy. (Well, unless you consider obesity unhealthy.)

“I felt that corn starch was no longer my friend,” she says. Corn starch is going to be really pissed off when it hears this news. 

JJ Virgin gives Nikki some tools to healthy eating and ways to wean herself off corn starch. This is always my least favorite part of FREAY EATERS episodes. Nikki’s kitchen makes me feel like there’s no oxygen left in the world. It’s REAL confining and dark and I don’t like being in it. 

Mike Dow makes Nikki and Charles both write letters to their dead son. This assignment is mostly for Nikki. It’s to keep her from going back to the white powder. 

JJ Virgin and Mike Dow leave her for 4 days to fend for herself. By day 3 she’s crazed for the starch, but she only eats 2 bites of the mix that JJ Virgin approved. The rest of the food she eats is “normal.” 

Then she sits down to write the letter to her son and it’s a real moving moment. 

Later, JJ Virgin and Mike Dow take Nikki and Charles on a boat ride so she can throw corn starch into the water as a symbol of letting go. You know, so she can kill everything living around the marina. Then they tie their letters they wrote to balloons and set them free into the atmosphere. I hate symbolism. But what I hate (and fear) more than symbolism is balloons being let go into the sky. They could very easily bring down an aircraft. I hate it. I am really upset with this episode and with Discovery Fit & Health