I got a comment on my last DANCE MOMS post from someone stating that Mackenzie read my post and asked what it meant. It also went on to grammatically incorrectly berate me. Note: I will not take comments seriously when the writer can’t differentiate between your and you’re. (Spoiler alert: they’re two different words!) I have a lot to say to that person (Hi Melissa!). Mostly notably: UH, SHE’S 6. WHY IS SHE READING THE INTERNET? (The second thing I’d say to her is: you’re the one who pushes her to dance and put her on TV, please don’t blame me or anyone else when she turns up coked up behind a truck stop turning cheap tricks inside the cab of a truck.)

Moving on to this week’s episode. 

The Fatty McDance Dance Studio looks like it’s in the wilderness. Pittsburgh looks great! 

This episode begins as they all do. With the pyramid unveiling. CHANGE IT UP, DANCE MOMS. Paige, Nia and Kendall are on the bottom. Mackenzie turns up on the middle row. I think she only won last week’s competition because everyone else competing died or something. Rounding out the middle is Maddie. WHAT? Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Chloe is on the top. Good for you, Chloe! I wonder who Melissa is going to have to bang this week to get Maddie back on top.

This week they are attending Hollywood Vibe, which is made up of creeps from Los Angeles looking for the “next big thing.” Um, it’s dancing, not movie acting. I doubt anyone is going to get famous being J Lo’s back up dancer in a video. (Unless J. Lo bangs them-then it’s a whole different ballgame.) 

Maddie, Chloe and Kendall will all be performing in a trio dance this weekend at Hollywood Vibe. Paige is pissed. She and Kelly both know Fatty McD is doing this because she’s mad at Kelly. 

The group number this week is about bullying. Holly and I finally agree on something: it’s ironic that Fatty is doing a bully-themed dance when all she does is bully kids 40 years younger and 400 lbs smaller than her. Guess who gets to play the bully? NIA! Holly is, of course, angry. Nia is super excited though. Shut up, Holly.

Since Brooke quit dancing Peyton is brought in to the group. She’s the one whose mom went nuts in the season premiere. Kendall’s mom, Jill, is leery of Peyton. She thinks she’s coming in to steal Kendall’s spot in the group dance.

Later, up in the OBSERVATION MEZZANINE, the moms are all fighting about the fact that Fatty McD pulled Paige from the undefeated trio. 

Holly heads downstairs and says she has a huge problem with Nia playing the bully. Uh, get a life. THEY ARE DANCING. She’s a huge nerd. She’s obviously on the other side of bullydom at school. Let her pretend to be a bully for a week. 

Fatty makes Chloe cry by telling her she doesn’t have a brain in her head. I wonder if she even gets the irony of this dance?

Later that night all the girls go to Kelly’s house to have a party for to celebrate Brooke making the cheerleading squad. Brooke is a mute creep throughout the party. Also, why are a bunch of children at a party for a teenager? This is the worst party I’ve ever been to. 

Back at the studio, everyone is frantically rehearsing with the big, fat drill sergeant. The moms are all fighting again. Peyton is the new bully since Holly is an idiot and made Nia drop out as the bully. 

I stopped paying attention for a few minutes because I hate the rehearsal stuff.

The moms go out to drink their lunch. They all fight about why they go to the studio if Abby is such a bully. Leslie (Peyton’s mom) really hounds them on this subject. I HATE HER VOICE. I want to seal up her trap. Holly arrives and babbles some nonsense about stereotypes and other stupid crap. THIS BROAD NEEDS TO COOL IT. Abby didn’t have Nia in a white hood, burning crosses on a stage. GET A LIFE. 

This is a really uncomfortable lunch. 

The day before the competition Fatty McDance shows off the girls’ slutty new costumes. They’re wearing fishnets and half shirts. “Peyton is the trashy mean girl,” Abby says. What a slut! All the moms think they look like strippers. They think that because they do look like strippers. Abby agrees to get rid of the fishnets. 

They head to St. Louis. All the moms are real bitchy to each other. They all want to set Jill on fire. Who doesn’t? 

Jill bribes Kendall with $20 if she does well. Uh, what can you buy with $20? Nothing. Why is that even considered a bribe? I’d dance horribly just to show my mom that she can’t offer me a pauper’s bribe to do well. I’m not getting out of bed for anything less than $100. 

The trio begins their dance, but to start things off it’s wrong. Chloe is way too far away from the other two. And they’re dressed like 5 year olds. White trash five year olds. 

After the dance Fatty McDance comes in to berate them. She tells Kendall she’s still on probation because of something she did with her foot. 

Jill has one of my least favorite faces of all time. 

The solos are next. Chloe and Maddie better get their heads out of their asses in the game and dance their hearts out. I hate Maddie’s smile when she dances. SOMETIMES IT’S INAPPROPRIATE. But that broad is one hell of a dancer. 

Chloe’s turn! Everyone keeps talking about how much pressure she has to stay at the top of the pyramid. WHY IS THIS SOMETHING TO STRESS OUT ABOUT? It’s a pyramid made up by a fat broad? Uh, big deal.

Why do they dance to such terrible music? 

Chloe dances her ass off. I love how much all the other girls love Chloe. Chloe is upset that Fatty pays less attention to her solo than Maddie’s. I’d be upset to. Big fat bitch.

Peyton is one ugly broad. Good luck in high school with that mouth-breather face. 

Holly is in an uproar about something or other. I’m sure it’s race-related. 

“She destroys you,” Fatty McDance whispers to Chloe about her mother. Christi goes crazy. Rightly so. I am just waiting for one of these moms to set Abby on fire. That’ll take A LOT of lighter fluid. 

The girls do their super slutty bully number. To be perfectly honest I don’t “get” dance so I never actually “see” the story they’re trying to tell. I have no idea how this is supposed to portray bullying. Just looks like a bunch of sluts to me.

McDance storms into the room after the dance to tell Peyton that she sucked and she put the KICK ME sign in the wrong place on Maddie’s back. Peyton’s mom fights back. Then Mouth Breather Sue talks back. YOU CROSSED THE WRONG FAT WOMAN WHEN YOU OPENED YOUR MOUTH, PEYTON. (I guess I should say “when you opened your mouth WIDER” since you mouth breathe and you’re mouth is always open.)

Awards time! Maddie won her group. Poor Chloe didn’t even place. The trio doesn’t place either. And guess who didn’t place in the group? THESE GIRLS. You know why? Because it sucked! Fatty says they lost because of Peyton. Peyton stares at Abby with her demon eyes. She’s the new Vivi with those cold dead eyes. 

Then the moms do some [more] fighting.