I miss the days when this show didn’t suck and wasn’t so fake. I also have to watch this nonsense On Demand because Comcast is the worst and half the time it just records an hour of blackness. (Sometimes an hour of blackness is better than the show I actually intended to record.) Anyway, I miss the days when On Demand meant that I didn’t have to watch commercials. Now they disable to fast-forward button on most of the On Demand shows so I have to watch television like a homeless person. 

Anyway, moving on to the show I’m not the least bit excited to watch anymore…

Brooke invites Fatty McDance over to talk about coming back to dance. “Cheerleading just wasn’t my thing,” she says. I am pretty sure nothing is her thing. 

They have a real heart-to-heart about how Brooke really let everyone down. “Brooke broke my heart,” she says. It’s the creepiest thing I’ve ever heard. 

Then she says Brooke is born to dance. I think she meant that Brooke was born to lay on her neck and gyrate across a stage. I didn’t know that was actually dancing.

Kendall, the 45-year-old cocktail waitress dressed up as a little girl dancer, is finally off probation. She gets a jacket. Jill is crazed when she finds out the news. You’d think she won the lottery and could finally afford a yellow Corvette.

They’re headed to the Starbound Competition in Long Island. These girls are real world travelers. They’ve seen every fourth rate city in the ol’ US of A. 

The pyramid! Nia is on the bottom. Because she’s black. Because she sucks. Because Holly pulled her from the lead in the routine and Fatty likes to punish the mothers by punishing the kids. Paige, Kendall and Mackenzie are on the bottom. Maddie is still in the middle. That bitch is pissed. Fatty McDance is trying to keep her on her toes. Chloe is also in the middle. Brooke is on top! Which makes no sense. Peyton has a nervous breakdown because she’s not on top. She cries like she’s 6. Man up, loser. You’re a giant and you make Vivi look normal. Then Peyton’s mom goes insane. Sadly she doesn’t kill anyone. She and Kelly go at it. Peyton stares everyone down with her demon eyes. She pulls Peyton out of the room and they quit the Abby Lee Miller Dance Studio. Uh, good riddance, I guess. 

This week’s group routine is about cheerleaders. I guess that’s irony or something. 

Up in the OBSERVATION MEZZANINE the mother’s fight. Kelly is nervous because Fatty McD said Brooke HAS to win this week. Jill is on the attack. She attacks Christi and Kelly. Then they fight about the losing trio team last week. Shut up. Go drink your lunch. 

Even with all these yapping whores I still hate Holly the most. Even when she doesn’t say anything. I can just see her racism wheels turning. 

Brooke’s solo is a real creepy space age dance called Starry Night. I wonder how many times she’ll walk around on her own neck while smiling.

The group practices their “hot” dance. Abby calls it hot. I don’t think it’s hot. Kelly is so excited that Paige has a special part. Jill is not pleased about this so she goes on the attack. Again. 

Jill heads down to complain about the fact that everyone has a special part except Kendall. She’s on the warpath, per usual.

Kelly decides to have all the mom’s over to drink their dinner and the kids over to pretend like they’re friends. Why do they do this? Who would want Melissa or Jill in their house? Or Holly. Holly probably thinks Kelly’s house is racist. All the moms are angry that Jill gives McDance so many gifts. Holly probably thinks gifts are racist. Melissa storms out of this miserable party when everyone attacks her for working at the studio to get “privates.” That sounds more sexual than it should. Although give it a few years and all these girls (save for sweet Chloe) will be giving privates in a different kind of establishment. 

The next day Melissa and Jill go shopping. Melissa is wearing really great jeans that look like True Religion. Because those are cool and not for trailer-dwellers who found some money on the ground. As they shop for really ugly junk they gossip about the other moms. Jill is bursting out of her turtleneck, but that’s neither here nor there.

Mackenzie is excited about her solo, but wishes she could be in the group dance. As Mackenzie finishes her practice Fatty McDance breaks down into tears and the entire studio floods. 

Brooke’s rehearsal is up next. No more tears. Just Brooke putting her legs over her head and smiling. ATTENTION: THIS IS NOT DANCING. 

Later Jill comes in wearing a zebra print turtleneck with flowers on it. Then she presents Fatty McD and the other teacher with massages. Jill sits in on the massages. Because that’s normal. I feel really bad for the man masseuse having to touch that horrid body. SHE MOANS. I AM DEFINITELY THROWING UP. 

Christi, Kelly and Holly are really angry that Jill won’t cool it with the bribes. Then Jill calls Holly an absentee mom. RACIST. YOU ARE A RACIST, JILL. 

I’m still not comfortable around Jill’s zebra flower hybrid shirt. 

I wish one of these broads would chop off another one’s finger when they’re doing all that finger pointing. That would make me love this show again.  

They’re headed to Long Island. Abby screams at the driver the entire time. Her big fat body heads to front of the bus to berate him up close. 

As they’re all preparing for their dances, Jill decides this is the time to ask why Kendall doesn’t have a solo. Then Kelly tells Jill to shut up. WHY ARE NONE OF THESE BROADS CARRYING GUNS? I need a murder!

Mackenzie’s solo is first. She gyrates like a stripper. Fatty McDance is so gay for Mackenzie. She’s obsessed with her. 

Brooke is a miserable bitch. Cheer up, creep. Her solo is next. She spends the entire time on her neck with her legs over her head. This is really going to come in handy when she’s in the champagne room at the Spearmint Rhino. 

The top junior petite is MacKenzie. Looks like someone is on her way to becoming Maddie. At least Melissa won’t have to give her away now.

Brooke comes in third place. Fatty said she had to win. I WONDER WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN. 

She actually compliments Brooke. Kind of. 

Time for the group routine. But before they go out Jill puts makeup on Fatty McDance to make her up to look like a big, fat prostitute. 

No one really understands what the group routine even means. I feel that way every week. I never see the story they’re trying to tell. Fatty gives them a semi-compliment and calls it a day. 

They placed second! McDance claims it’s because the other team had soul and a heart for dance and some of her girls don’t. Cool it with the excuses, Biggie Smalls. 

Holly claims that coming in second isn’t losing. Except it is because they lost to first place. Losing is racist, but so is winning. THIS IS BECOMING A NIGHTMARE.

Fatty McDance announces that if the moms don’t stop bickering then someone is going to have to leave. It will be that turtleneck bitch Jill. So Jill goes crazy. Again.