Oh good, this episode starts with my favorite: Jenelle. She’s moping around the house in tie-dye. Always a good look for anyone. I used to wear a tie-dye shirt I made at camp. Even at 12 I knew it was a big mistake. Jenelle seems to wear it without even a hint of regret. Anyway, she’s moping around the house because she isn’t allowed to hang out with anyone she’s ever met because they all smoke weed. She’s laying around with her son. One would think that the court wouldn’t allow her to hang out with him either, considering how many drugs that baby must have come out of the womb addicted to. But luckily no one has brought this to the authority’s attention. 

Jenelle can only talk to Kiefer on the phone. It’s real lonely. She’s also really stressed out because she’s living with a man from the 1890s her mom who talks like she’s in Newsies. They are fighting about pants. “WHERE ARE MY GODDAMN PANTS?” “I PUT YOUR GODDAMN PANTS HERE.” Stuff like that. It’s so weird that Jenelle completely lacks a top lip. 

“Stop talking shit about me. I can hear you through the baby monitor, you fucking idiot,” Jenelle yells at her mother, Barbara. WOULD YOU KISS YOUR MOTHER WITH THAT MOUTH, JENELLE? Wait, I guess you would. Jace is just standing there [in a pile of clothes and filth] watching this happen. I can’t wait for TV in 15 years when he’s on Beyond Scared Straight. Jenelle will probably be the lead bitch in whatever prison they take him to. I CAN’T WAIT FOR THE FUTURE!

Barbara has one huge ass in those khakis. Not a flattering cut.

Jenelle calls Kiefer. She’s just about to die. She decides they need to break up since she’ll go to jail if she sees him. Neither one of them seem to care that much. “I’m going to have to get over it, but it’s going to take years,” he says. I think he’s confused by time. I think he means hours. 

Kailyn and Jo do some talking. They’re totally going to bang again. JO HAS A MUSIC VIDEO COMING OUT! WHAT?!?!? That’s cool, Jo. 

Later that day Kailyn and her gigantic boyfriend Jordan talk about Jo wanting a weekday visitation day at Kailyn’s. Jordan is visibly jealous. He has a bad feeling. But he looks too dumb to be alive so it’s probably nothing.

Chelsea has finally stopped talking about the charity walk she was consumed by last week. Her friend comes over to help her get ready for the GED. I don’t mean study, I mean she helps her read about the idea of the GED. Chelsea’s skin is a mess. 

Leah isn’t sure Corey is going to move with her. He’s just her husband. NO BIG DEAL. Corey comes in and says he heard a rumor about her. That she had sex with Robbie a week before she married Corey. Spoiler alert: IT’S TRUE! She’s a real standup broad. She also has the most beautiful shade of yellow hair I’ve ever seen. 

Corey is really angry. I can’t really tell what either one of them are saying. Call me crazy but I’ve never been so drunk that I’d bang someone else a week before my wedding. (And I’m not even THAT great of a human being.)

“Being married…I didn’t know it could mean this much to me,” Leah says. Um, so let me get this straight. Gay people who have been together for 20 years CANNOT GET MARRIED, but this raccoon-faced, white haired slut who didn’t even realize how much marriage “means” can just freely do as she pleases? THAT MAKES TOTAL SENSE, EVERYONE. It really does. I mean, how can you fight logic? 

I hope a wolf mauls that stupid hillbilly.

Jenelle is just wandering around the house looking for drugs and someone to talk to. She’s forced to talk to the only drug-free person in Oak Island, North Carolina, her mother. Barbara tells her maybe she should go to rehab or something. 

Jenelle meets with her lawyer. He has so many fancy lawyer-esque paintings in his office. She tells him all of her problems. He’s not a therapist, dummy. She asks him if she can go to some sort of rehab program. She’s real overwhelmed by this.

Jo heads over to his first weekly visit alone with Kailyn and Isaac. They’re totally going to sleep together. Probably in front of Isaac or something creepy. The first thing they talk about is his love life. Kailyn has a really cool tongue ring. (Why are these still on people?)

These two flirt up a storm. But then he leaves to go hang out with a “groupie.” Kailyn accidentally tells him she loves him as he leaves. SOME ACCIDENT. 

Leah doesn’t want to give up on her relationship with Corey, but he won’t take her calls. 

Corey heads to his dad’s to tell him Leah bought a trailer and she banged some dude before their wedding. I wish his dad would kill her. Corey claims he is going to file for divorce. 

Wait…this episode is an hour and a half? 

Chelsea writes her dad a check. It’s the first check she’s ever written. SHE HAS A BABY AND SHE’S NEVER WRITTEN A CHECK?!?! I HATE THE WORLD.

Leah, her twins and her friend Kayla go sit around in a field and talk about stress. Kayla giggles when Leah tells her she cheated on Corey. Leah blames her whoreness on everything but the fact that she’s just a loser whore. 

Did a raccoon teach Kayla and Leah about eye makeup? Why do they look so ugly?

Jenelle finds someone (Amber. Not Portwood.) who isn’t stoned to talk to. She’s consumed by the fact that she can’t smoke weed. She tells Amber she’s thinking of going to rehab. Just go, idiot. WHY ARE YOU MAKING SUCH A BIG DEAL OUT OF THIS? 

Corey texts Leah that he has a lawyer. She decides to lounge around on the couch a little longer and go get one for herself tomorrow. 

Chelsea cleans some tanning beds and then calls it a night. As she leaves, her ex, Adam, calls her. She tells him she doesn’t trust him alone with their kid overnight. So sleeping with him was obviously a good choice.

Kailyn and her friend Mark have a heart-to-heart about Jo. She admits that she has feelings for him again. Oh, great.

I don’t even understand Leah’s hair. I wish someone in her life would address this on television. 

Leah can cry all she wants but no one feels sorry for her. Also, is she wearing a night guard on her teeth in the middle of the day or are her teeth so ugly that they look like they have a coating of plastic over them? 

Jenelle goes back to her lawyer’s office to talk about rehab. STOP THIS NONSENSE. YOU DON’T NEED TO TALK ABOUT IT ANYMORE. 

He found a rehab facility in California that has a scholarship for her. Is it a scholarship when it’s for drugs? She’s not learning anything. 

She’s set to go for 30 days. Yeah, that’ll stick.

I can’t believe this episode is still happening. 

Chelsea meets with a GED counselor. But she can’t stop thinking about Adam, per usual. She has two GED options, but I’m bored by all this talk of learning. 

Wait, you have to have your GED to go to beauty school? Uh…why?

Kailyn and Jordan do some more talking about Jo. He’s sure he can’t trust them. Uh, because he can’t. 

Leah finds a divorce lawyer on Google. I’m more impressed that her trailer has hardwood floors. 

Jenelle is packing up all of her tie-dye for rehab. How can she find anything in that room? Why is Barbara such a loud talker? She and Barbara talk more about rehab. Because we haven’t heard enough about it. Jenelle pretends it’ll be hard to be away from Jace. Who is this broad kidding?

Somehow Chelsea passes her practice GED (writing portion) test. The world just absolutely amazes me sometimes. Her mom seems as shocked as I am.

Kailyn and Jo are left alone together again with Isaac. She invites him to spend the night! This ought to be good.

Leah brings her dad to meet with the divorce lawyer. She has a child, but she brought her parents to meet with a divorce lawyer with her? Makes plenty of sense. 

Her lawyer is certainly dressed up for a hillbilly lawyer. The pearls are a nice touch. 

Leah files for divorce. Is it supposed to be sad? (It isn’t.)