I got a lot of negative comments about last week’s episode and how I shouldn’t recap it if I don’t like it. (And there were even more weirdos defending Long Island. I had no idea how many Long Island enthusiasts read this blog. I am sorry for offending you. I was talking about the Lindsay Lohan Long Island, not the Victoria Grayson Long Island. That latter is first rate. )

Anyway, it’s not that I hate this season… I mean, I think other people will agree that some of the Dance Moms magic is missing from this season. I don’t think I’m crazy for pointing that out. GIVE VIVI AND HER LASERS MORE SCREEN TIME, LIFETIME. 

Moving on…

In the opening credits Fatty McDance looks like she’s wearing the cape you wear when you’re getting your haircut. 

This week they’re attending a competition in Secaucus, New Jersey. I’d say it was a terrible place, but everyone will go crazy and it’ll cause a riot on the internet. (I did do a search for “Is Secaucus terrible?” and while Google wouldn’t give me a definitive answer, I did learn that the Courtyard By Marriot there is universally panned. 

Kendall is on the bottom of the pyramid. Jill goes crazy. Nia, Brooke and Paige round out the bottom. Maddie and Chloe are still in the middle. And somehow Mackenzie lands on the top. I don’t think she competes against anyone in the competitions. There is no way she could be coming in first if their are other dancers in her group. 

This week the moms have to design and make original costumes. Holly is probably going to call this task racist. Jill says she’s just going to use an old costume. All the other bitches really attack her for this. YOU CANNOT WEAR AN OLD COSTUME. “IT IS RACIST TO WEAR AN OLD COSTUME,” SAYS HOLLY. 

The OBSERVATION MEZZANINE IS AFLUTTER WITH ANGER. Jill finds out that Fatty McDance owns the girls for a year upon entry to her studio. (Uh, how does she not know this?) She had to sign something when she signed her little stripper up for dance but she’s just now realizing this? I guess reading isn’t her thing.

Elsewhere, Cathy Nesbitt is planning to audition new [terrible] dancers for her studio. I hope none of them take away from Vivi’s laser eyes. 

Back at Fatty’s, Kendall is rehearsing for her solo. It looks like what I’d look like if I were rehearsing for my solo. Her delusional mother, Jill, is sure she deserves to be at the top. IS SHE BLIND? Her kid can’t dance. And she looks like she was Elisabeth Shue’s stand-in in the motion picture, ‘Leaving Las Vegas.’

Guess who is at Cathy Nesbitt’s audition?!? PEYTON, that’s who. That big, tall monster with that crazy bastard of a mom, Leslie. I am really looking forward to Leslie and Cathy Nesbitt going head to head. “I really want to make my mom happy,” Peyton says of dancing. Um, you’re like 15. WHAT MOLESTED THESE GIRLS SO BADLY THAT MADE THEM SUCH MINDLESS ZOMBIES?

Cathy Nesbitt invites Peyton to dance with the Candy Apples. Peyton isn’t sure. You know, because it’s a 7 hour drive from her house. Leslie goes crazy and tells Cathy Nesbitt how to teach and they all call it a day. What a waste of gas getting there for that.

Holly is so pissed she has to make Nia’s costume. It’s so racist to assume a black lady can sew and make things. SHE’S NOT A SLAVE. SHE’LL NEVER BE A SLAVE. DON’T TRY TO MAKE HER A SLAVE!

Fatty McD heads up to the OBSERVATION MEZZANINE to check out what the mom’s have done with the costumes they’re making. Christi has a bra she might dye or something. SHE’LL DEAL WITH IT LATER, ABBY.

Fatty gets the worst call of her life. Her entire family has died. Dance Explosion, this week’s competition, has been canceled. But you’d think her entire family had been killed in an explosion. No one knows what to do. Uh, take a week off? Can’t they do these dances in 2 weeks? Why is this a big deal? I don’t understand what’s happening. Fatty McDance spends the rest of the day looking for a new competition. Luckily she finds one in Texas. Texas? Melissa is going to have to bang a hell of a lot of orthodontists to pay for these plane tickets to Texas. 

They arrive in Texas to a competition that takes place in a gymnasium. Everyone is appalled! I WILL NOT DANCE ON WOOD FLOORS, THEY SAY. (But then they all dance on wood floors.)

Brooke’s solo is first. Thank God she spends the whole time (per usual) with her legs over her head, smiling. I wish she’d go back to cheering. 

Mackenzie is a slippery mess. I AM SO NERVOUS FOR HER. (I held my breath throughout her entire dance.)

Everyone fights with Jill about the fact that she didn’t make Kendall’s costume. Jill announces she’s going to pack her bags and go home. Then she throws some shoes and storms out. (I really hope she doesn’t come back.)

Next up on the nervous breakdown train: Nia. She’s injured and still dancing. Everyone freaks her out about it so she has a panic attack right before her solo. She still dances. I AM HOLDING MY BREATH AGAIN. (What is wrong with me?) 

For some reason Jill and Kendall are back. Goddamnit. Fatty tells Jill to put Kendall in the white booty shorts and let her dance. If I had a dime for every time someone told me to do that I’d have three dimes.

Up next, Chloe. She has a full blown six-pack. She dances beautifully even on that gymnasium floor.

Maddie runs out on stage gym like something is wrong with her. She’s dressed like her mom a cheap slut.  I do not enjoy her dance. Why does she have curly sideburns? She looks Hasidic. THEN SHE FALLS. 

A man carries Maddie off the gym floor. It takes Melissa like 2 minutes to get up and run to her. MOTHER OF THE YEAR. (She’ll probably bang the guy that carried Maddie off.)

The show must go on. Paige is up. She does some creepy acrobatics mixed with some good dancing. I hate when they shake their hips and blow kisses. 

I am so glad I don’t know any molesters gentlemen who judge dance competitions. 

Paige wins! Paige wins! She’s less excited about the actual win and more excited about proving Fatty Lee Miller wrong. 

Next week on DANCE MOMS: Jill yells. Then she yells some more. Then she continues yelling. Then she catches on fire.