I would like for shows to cool it with this 90 minute business. Squeeze everything into an hour, please. 

Jenellle is on her way to rehab in California. She claims to miss Jace. I wish she wasn’t a liar. I’m glad she wore her tie-dye hoodie to rehab. It’s such a good look. If someone could send me one I’d be really appreciative. 

Rehab looks terrible if you’re poor. “I probably have a blunt wrapper in there,” she says to the rehab attendant. Then she tests positive for blunts. NICE WORK!

The next morning she meets with the her primary therapist. She’s still wearing her tie-dye hoodie. She gets a list of rules that sound terrible. Rehab is the worst. You can’t even get high there. She tells the therapist that she needs to address her issues with her mother, because that crazy bitch sends Jenelle into a rage that only results in the smoking of weed. 

Kailyn is supposed to be studying, but she’s more concerned about the fact that she and Jo banged again. Her friend feigns shock, but she doesn’t really seem all that shocked. “Are you gonna tell Jordan,” she asks. Uh, do none of these people realize how TV works? WE CAN ALL SEE YOU. SURPRISE! YOU JUST TOLD HIM!

Chelsea is focusing on her GED or something. She’s taking the writing portion today. Somehow she passed the practice test last week. (She obviously cheated.) After the test she talks to her mom about going to college beauty school. Let’s not jump the gun, Mom, she has to pass the GED. Her mom invites her to the car show. (Her mom wants to go so she try to meet a man. That is a true story.)

Leah is staying at her mom’s until her new house is ready. Let’s back up a little, Leah. It’s a trailer. You don’t have a house. It’s safe to say you’ve probably never actually stepped foot in a house. 

Um, Corey reads IN THE NEWSPAPER (apparently those are still a thing) that Leah filed for divorce. I’ve never been divorced, but I’d venture to guess that’s not usually how it works. Corey calls his dad to tell him the news but on top of his mumbling accent, those hounds from a few weeks ago are fighting in the background so I came away with very little from this conversation.

Seriously, who does Leah’s hair? That person needs to be set on fire. 

Leah spent all of her money on the lawyer so she has to borrow some from her mom to pay for her trailer. Did she hire Johnny Cochran? Is he still alive? She’s constantly having to choose between two things that I would never have known would have cost the same amount: a trailer vs truck, trailer vs lawyer. It’s confusing to follow the lives of poor people.

Everyone at Jenelle’s rehab sounds like they should be working at the Delta Airlines call center. 

Chelsea goes to the car show with her mom. Her mom picks up a dude and Chelsea sees Adam so she ruins everything for her mom. They have a real moving heart to heart. Well, it would be moving if I cared one iota about Chelsea. 

Kailyn is studying computer jargon. What? 

Elsewhere, Jo and his brother, Junior, talk about banging Kailyn last night [in the shower]. I don’t know why he felt the need to tell us all where it happened. (I, for one, didn’t need to know the details.)

Leah’s mom looks like she didn’t fully develop in the womb. I say that about so many people on this show. Her skull looks soft. Anyway, apparently photos from Leah’s wedding arrived that very day. The Raccoon has a breakdown looking at them. 

Chelsea gets the results for her GED. She passed. Who’d she bang to get that score? How easy is the GED? The dumbest person on Earth must be able to pass it if she did. 

Jenelle is gay for PINK.™ Can you imagine if they made tie-dye clothes? HER HEAD WOULD EXPLODE. 

Jenelle’s therapist makes her describe herself in three words. She picks impulsive (check!), smart (eh) and angry (duh!). She’s REAL upset because she’s so bored and she can’t smoke. “It just sucks because I smoke pot every single day and now I have to stop.” Uh, that’s how rehab works. (Add that to the list of things these idiots don’t understand how they work: television, rehab)

Leah goes to look at her $3000 house trailer. “It’s really not that bad at all,” she says. That’s exactly the way I want to speak about the first trailer house I buy. 

I really cannot get past how ugly Leah is. 

Jordan is headed over to Kailyn’s. She’s going to tell him about the shower she took the other day. She just jumps right into it. Jordan is monotone. “I’m always going to have this bond with him,” she says to justify her whoriness. Um, I have a bond with a few people, but I don’t shower with them. Jordan shows some signs of life and kind of yells. 

Jordan wanders out of the house with a giant plastic container of stuff. 

Chelsea is STILL roaming around thinking about Adam. Aubrey is supposed to go stay with Adam’s parents, but Adam is now coming to pick her up. “I don’t like this. You have a good job, you’re focusing on your GED. You’re going to start beauty school like you wanted to,” her mom says when she finds out Adam is on his way over. Uh, last time I checked “tanning bed cleaner at Brown Year Round” wasn’t a good job. Let’s talk when she’s a doctor, Chelsea’s Mom. 

Her mom warns her about getting back together with Adam. Uh, Adam hates her. Why is there even this talk?

Jenelle has been in rehab for two weeks so she finally gets her cell phone and computer back. Kiefer has been texting and leaving her voicemails. He’s being a real bitch about their breakup. Jenelle calls him and tells him she’s focusing on herself. The ol’ classic “I’m focusing on myself” line, eh? 

Jenelle and her therapist call Barbara to inform her Jenelle may be bipolar. Um, I’m no scientist, but I could have told you that. Nice work, doctors. The doctor shuts this phone call right down when the two monsters start fighting. 

Leah hasn’t seen or talked to Corey in two weeks. She’s meeting him and his dad at the lawyer’s office to drop off the girls so Corey can have them for the weekend. It’s REAL emotional. (Or it would be if I cared about this raccoon monster.)

Kailyn’s wet perm is stunning. These broads have the best hair! 

She and her friend Kara are sitting around in Kailyn’s hobo kitchen talking about how she told Jordan she cheated on him. Kailyn seems to collect empty water bottles. They’re displayed everywhere. It’s a good look. 

Chelsea WILL NOT COOL IT ABOUT ADAM. She pretends like she’s not so excited to see him when he picks up Aubrey. Adam looks like he’s a part time meth-lab janitor. 

Adam invites Chelsea over to his house to “catch up.” She’s the dumbest broad on the planet and says yes. GIRLS ARE TOO STUPID TO BE ALIVE.

Cool white sunglasses and barbed wire armband tattoo, dude. 

Jenelle gets to video chat with Barbara and Jace. Barbara mostly shows her old lady boobs to the camera. Barbara is real proud of Jenelle. I’m sure that’ll stick!

The following day Jenelle is discharged. This should be good.

Leah has to go divide her belongings with Corey. She’s a mess about it. How much good stuff can either of them have that this is something to be upset about? 

Chelsea is a giggly Sue when Adam calls her to come ride on his hog. Her tongue ring is aflutter. “Don’t judge me,” she says to her mom. We’re all judging you, idiot. 

Who rides a motorcycle in fliflops? I kind of hope she loses a foot. 

Kailyn decides she wants to give her relationship with Jo another chance so she asks him over to talk. I’m on the edge of my seat with these two. He just wants to live his life or some such nonsense. She cries. Again, broads are so stupid. Of course he just wanted to bang you because you had a boyfriend, not because he wanted to marry you. IDIOT!

Jenelle heads to the airport in a sequined hat. That’s all I have to say about her return to Oak Island. 

I wonder how long it’ll be before she goes into a rage. (I say 15 minutes, tops. And 7 minutes before she’s stoned.)

Jenelle shows Barbara and Jace the ugly crap she brought them back from LA. I cannot believe someone actually sold those two items.

Leah is on her way to divide up her stuff. It’s going to be so hard to choose who gets the tube TVs, broken 4-wheelers, pleather love seat and pregnant hounds. HOW CAN YOU BEAR TO LOSE ANY OF THAT GOOD STUFF?!?

That trailer still terrifies me through the television. I need a Tetanus shot. Leah should really being wearing shoes inside that hellhole. 

That was all very draining to watch.