It’s that time of the week again! Watching a fat broad yell at some kids! 

I hope Jill wears another cowboy hat this week. 

Did Brooke get a perm? What’s wrong with her hair?

Anyway, Fatty McDance does a little of her usual berating the girls about their last performance. Then she moves on to talk about this weekend’s show. It’s in Pittsburgh! Their home turf! There is a lot of pressure. So Fatty has decided to do a routine involving guns. Fingers crossed they’re real and someone (Melissa!) gets shot!

Pyramid time. Mackenzie is back on the bottom. Her time up top was certainly short lived. Nia, Kendall and Maddie round out the bottom. Maddie is shocked. SHE IS SHOCKED. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Melissa is pissed. 

The middle row consists of Chloe and Permy Brooke. Paige is on the top! Everyone (aside from Maddie and Melissa) are so excited for her! 

Everyone is performing this week except for Mackenzie. Kendall has been kicked out of the trio. Her old lady face shows signs of anger and sadness. 

The moms head up to drink or sit in the OBSERVATION MEZZANINE why the girls are taught PRIVATE EYES, their routine for the week. 

Holly and Jill are fighting about trios. Holly is mad Nia has never been in on. Jill is mad that Kendall was taken out of the one she was in. She’s also mad that Holly is mad. I am mad that Jill is mad that Holly is mad, etc. 

Jill has a new present for Fatty McD. A bench dedicated to her. Good luck with that, Jill. Fatty McDance is going to crush the life out of a bench. 

All the other moms think Jill is a loser. Get in line, moms. 

The moms are also not pleased with this week’s dance. No one seems to be. Nia and Kendall mess up in practice and are forced to do pushups. It’s like they’re athletes or something. 

Jill heads downstairs to check on Kendall and to yell at Abby, but she chickens out and bends over for McDance. 

The trio routine this week is called Over & Over. It’s contemporary and I’m sure it tells a story I won’t understand. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND STORIES TOLD THROUGH DANCE. 

The girls are supposed to already know Over & Over, but Paige is a big failure and doesn’t know what she’s doing. Kelly goes downstairs to rescue Paige. Paige cries and cries. Kelly babbles about the fact that she’s (Kelly) has been with Abby since she was 2. HOW OLD IS FATTY MCDANCE? 70?

Paige needs to man up. She also needs to get a stylist. She’d be so cute if she didn’t dress like she’s an extra in Shag: The Movie™ (While that might be one of my favorite movies EVER, I wouldn’t want to dress like any of them.)

Fatty McDance screams at the trio for being idiots some more. 

It’s two days to the competition and there’s more yelling. The girls finally get their prop guns. Maddie lets us all know that she’s totally fine with using prop guns. I’m glad we cleared that up.

Guess who doesn’t think the gunplay is appropriate? Resident killjoy, HOLLY. I am so glad she’s not my mom. She sucks the life out of life. 

Chloe’s solo is a lyrical routine. Whatever that means. I don’t pay attention to the dance jargon. (Also, as I’ve said, I don’t understand it.)

Maddie’s solo is called EVERY LITTLE STEP. McDance calls it mature and elegant. Just like a classy stripper!

Abby continues to rehearse with the trio, while Kendall is forced to run the music for the other girls. Jill is so angry. WHAT’S NEW? She’s really nervous to talk to Abby about it, but she finally goes down and tells Abby to start teaching Kendall. This goes over well. 

Abby looks like a pimp on competition day. So it makes sense that she has the girls dressed up like tiny prostitutes. 

I don’t even understand Chloe’s abs. She has a 12 pack. She and her abs dance the hell out of her lyrical solo. I’m so glad she doesn’t have that creepy smile that Maddie and Brooke have when they dance. 

Maddie is nervous that she’s going to fall again. GET IT TOGETHER, MADDIE. 

She doesn’t fall. She does great. 

Fatty McDance praises Chloe. For the first time ever. Of course she has to then kiss Maddie’s ass. 

The Maddie/Chloe/Paige trio is up next. The spacing is a mess. And Maddie is 15 steps ahead of everyone. GET IT TOGETHER, LITTLE BROADS. 

My least favorite dance move (after that legs over head thing Brooke does) is the split. Gross.

Maddie comes in first in the solos. What? Why?

Their trio comes in second. FAILURES. YOU GIRLS ARE FAILURES. Fatty McDance blames Paige for this. (I totally thought it was Maddie’s fault. But no one can speak ill of the chosen one.)

Fatty McDance says she’s been teaching dance for 31 years, but earlier Kelly said she has been with Fatty since she was 2. Which would make Kelly 33 now. THERE IS NO WAY THAT IS POSSIBLE. She’s at least 45. 33? WHAT?! No.

Abby pretends to shoot the moms. I WISH THIS WOULD REALLY HAPPEN. SOMEONE GIVE HER A REAL GUN. 

The girls do their gun routine. It’s like the worst James Bond movie I’ve ever seen. I hope no asshole in the future decides to make James Bond into a musical.

The group wins the group jazz category. Jill says it wasn’t that great because the routine wasn’t dynamic enough. Shut up, Jill. SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH. No one thinks you’re great.