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Things I’ve Learned On My New Favorite Show: Locked Up Abroad; Or: Remind Me Never to Go Abroad
- In Japanese prisons you can’t sit down or sleep during the day. The entire point of killing someone and going to prison is for the naps.
- Madrid men’s prison looks like the most fun. Everyone seems to have a nice rapport. I didn’t see any fights or rapes. The guards know your name and they seem to let you out more frequently for good behavior than even American prisons. (NOTE: SPAIN IS THE COUNTRY IN WHICH ONE SHOULD COMMIT CRIMES.)
- You WILL get AIDS in a Thai prison.
- In Thailand your hooker loving friends will set you up if you agree to carry their 10.5 kilos of cocaine to America. Don’t trust them.
- If someone says it’s foolproof they mean that it is foolproof for the authorities. You have a 100% chance of going to jail if you hear the terms “foolproof” or “100% success rate.” Again, they mean 100% success rate for the authorities.
- You have a much better chance of finding someone in a jail abroad who speaks English. No one speaks English in American jails. If you want to converse in the King’s English look abroad.
- Some Thai women’s prisons let you leave to get manicures. If you like manicures and already have AIDS you might as well look into a Thai crime.
- In Thailand you can traffic a whore lady to China (I’m not sure why the Chinese want Thai hookers. Can’t the Chinese pretend they are Thai? [They all look alike.]) and only get paid $1000. You risk 5 years in jail. Most Western dudes seem to think the risk is worth it. Most Western dudes are wizards.
- If you are too dumb to find your connecting flight and instead go down 10 hallways and through 12 double doors and accidentally land in Customs then you are probably too dumb to be alive and you should hang yourself once you get to jail.
