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Dance Moms: Cheerleader Blues; Or: The One Where Vivi-Anne Kills the Rest of the Group With Her Laser Eyes

This episode starts with Fatty McDance blaming the mother’s for the past weekend’s loss. Not the fact that she dressed them like Jumbo’s Clown Room coctail waitresses. She quickly berates the mother’s and then moves on to this weekend’s show. It’s in New Jersey and they’ll be doing an acrobatic routine. Color me disinterested. Gimme more footage of that little prodigy, Maddie, dancing. (That’s probably the creepiest thing I’ve ever said.)

Old broad Brooke (she’s 13) is apparently the best gymnast since Kerri Strug (she’s the only gymnast I know because she was on an episode of 90210 and that’s all I care about). BUT, get this, she isn’t at the top of the pyramid. Her mom is LIVID. She’s the star gymnast. WHY ISN’T SHE AT THE TOP? Because Maddie is the chosen one and she’s always at the top. 

I hate that they call acrobatics “acro.”

I’m not going to lie, Vivi-Anne scares me through the television. She has the cold dead eyes of a serial killer. Also she’s never ready in her dance clothes. Where does she think she’s going? Also, am I the only one who thinks Cathy (her mother) drove to Mexico and stole her? I don’t think the adoption (and it HAS to be an adoption, as Vivi is brown and Cathy isn’t. And Vivi is 6 and Cathy is 73.) is legal. I’d like someone to investigate this. (I’m too busy to do it.)

All the mom’s hate Cathy. I don’t know whose team to be on because I hate them all. 
The dancer girls are so pale that it’s hard to watch. Stick them in a tanning bed or something, why don’t you. 

It’s Cathy’s birthday and they have a party in the OBSERVATION MEZZANINE! Why aren’t these women at home or at jobs? They spend 9 hours a day in a box overlooking a fat woman yelling at their children to, “DANCE, GODDAMNIT, DANCE!” Kelly (Brooke and Paige’s mom) seems to hate everyone (more so than the others hate everyone). When Melissa (Maddie’s mom) brings a cake for Cathy, Kelly judges it. (So do I.) Melissa is so phony. The moms all hate Melissa. (So do I.)

Then Kelly and Melissa fight about the pyramid. THEN Kelly approaches Abby (Fatty McDance) about the fact that Brooke isn’t at the top of the pyramid during the week of an acro dance. Fatty McDance says it’s because of her brooding attitude. Uh, she’s a teenager. Her friends are all smoking in alleys outside of malls and she’s dancing a jig with some 7 year olds everyday, all day. 

Fatty was also Kelly’s dance teacher. How old is Fatty? Fatty tries to make Kelly feel bad for the fact that she quit dancing. 25 YEARS AGO! I think she’s moved on. I take that back. Knowing these women, no one ever moves on. 

Brooke seems miserable. All she wants to do is hang out with her friends and try out for cheerleading. Kelly pushes her AND doesn’t push her at the same time. 

Ugh! Vivi-Anne. Stop giving this demon zombie screen time. She’s the worst dancer. I feel like this is how I’d look dancing. (I took dance for one year but I was so shy I hid behind everyone. SOME THINGS NEVER CHANGE.)

Cathy and Melissa go to lunch. Not because they’re friends but because they both want dirt on each other and the other mom’s. The first thing Cathy asks is about all the husbands. She really wants Melissa to tell her about her husband because she knows the story. Want to know the story? She’s going through a divorce BUT (GET THIS), she lives with another man who pays for her daughter’s dance lessons. So she’s basically a prostitute. 

All the mom’s gossip about the fact that Cathy and Melissa went to lunch. Then Melissa comes in the room and they grill her. I think Melissa is also a sociopath. I feel like almost everyone they find for these shows is. Melissa brags that she gossiped about their husbands. The way she talks and looks at people makes me really uncomfortable. I think at some point this season we’ll see her being bailed out of jail for murder.

Brooke is a mess. Her hip is broken hurt. And she’s just forced to dance through it. A few days later she’s taken to the chiropractor. He says she shouldn’t be competing. Kelly says she has to. This isn’t communist Russia, Kelly. It’s an acro routine in New Jersey. 

It makes me really uncomfortable when we see Vivi and Cathy at home. Vivi knows maybe 4 words (maybe because she was stolen from Mexico a few weeks ago, maybe just because she’s never been to school?) so it’s mostly just Cathy having adult conversations with her. Vivi doesn’t want to do a solo. I don’t want her to do one either. She’s a terrible dancer. 

It’s bus riding time. Fatty McDance spends the majority of the time yelling at the bus driver as though he’s not a bus driver and doesn’t know where he’s going. Cathy and Vivi aren’t on the bus. They’re driving the six hours separately. Cathy, once again, spends the entire time talking to Vivi to little or no response. Vivi is definitely going to Menedez Brothers Cathy in the future. 

Brooke is on the bus whining because SHE HAS A MAJOR HIP INJURY. Fatty says Brooke just needs to “grind down the hip.” I’m pretty sure Fatty isn’t a doctor and I’m pretty sure “grinding it down” isn’t what an actual medical practitioner would recommend. 

How do you end up being a judge of dance competitions? Somewhere along the line your life must have gone terribly awry. 

When they arrive Abby is informed that the solo that she taught Vivi isn’t going to work and she’s doing a completely different routine. So Abby yanks her name off of Vivi’s routine and has her in the Independent category so she’s not associated with the ABBY LEE MILLER DANCE STUDIO. Fatty McDance is livid. 

Vivi wanders on to the stage. She just shakes her butt and moves her arms around. It’s terrible. She comes in last place. 

Cathy decides she and Vivi are going to leave despite the fact that the rest of the team has yet to perform. They all came early to watch Vivi and Cathy doesn’t want to even stick around to see the group routine. “We have a long drive home,” she says. As though they don’t know that. THEY HAVE THE SAME DRIVE HOME. 

Brooke has another breakdown because she’s in so much pain. Hey everyone, she’s crying, she has a hip injury, STOP PRESSURING HER TO PERFORM. Want to screw up a kid emotionally? Force them to do something day in and day out, through pain. See how that goes in the future. She’ll be in the alley outside the strip club smoking meth she got in exchange for a little extra time in the Champagne Room. 

Brooke goes and dances through that pain and they win the competition. 

Next week on DANCE MOMS: Abby Lee Miller goes to a buffet and eats so much food they have to close for the week. 

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  1. capriv13 reblogged this from recapthis and added:
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    For anyone who watches dance moms omg
  3. recapthis posted this
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