The episode kicks off with Braces (Catelynn) and Lanky (Tyler) roaming through a haunted house. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, I hate when a television show (be it reality or scripted) takes place in a different season than the one I’m in. It’s summer. Cool it with the Halloween. 

Also, I’m scared. I hate haunted houses. 

They get home from the haunted house and decide they need to get jobs because Catelynn doesn’t have the money to pay a $64.00 bill. HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE? YOU ARE ON THE TELEVISION. And it’s not just a one episode arc on some cable show. YOU ARE THE STAR OF A TELEVISION SHOW. 

Farrah is in her kitchen having an adult conversation with 2-year-old Sophia. Her mom comes over and they have a fight about gluten. Ashley, Farrah’s sister who we’ve never ever heard of in the last 3 years, calls and wants to go to the pumpkin patch with Farrah and Sophia. Farrah is happy that Ashley wants to be part of Sophia’s life. Let’s see how long that lasts. Farrah ruins everything. 

Fatty (Gary) has been keeping Leah because Vaguely Asian (Amber) is a fuck up and has been living in a slum. Vaguely Asian is looking for a new house but it has to be nice (I don’t know why all of a sudden she needs to live in a place that’s livable) and secluded because the local townies have been harassing her for being a terrible mother. 

Vaguely Asian decides to go out with EIGHT gentleman friends who all have that look in their eye that says someone (Vaguely Asian) is going to get Jodie Foster’d on a pinball machine by night’s end. 

Maci and Kyle are moving again! They lug a couch into their new sprawling manse. God forbid they hire a mover so the 85-lb girl doesn’t blow a vein in her massive forehead. 
Maci goes over to that sweetass Ryan’s house to discuss Bentley’s birthday party. Ryan is a yawn-y Sue. Why so tired, Ryan? I spend the next few minutes wondering why Ryan ever even dated Maci. He could have banged anyone in their high school and that’s who he picked? Or is Tennessee that terrible that she was the best?

Why is Maci so set on having a joint birthday party? Probably because Ryan is so hot and she wants him back. She doesn’t seem to care than he hates her and yawns in her face. 5 times. 

Catelynn goes to a bill pay center likes it’s 1964 and the internet and phone don’t exist. (Note: I’m pretty sure that phones existed in 1964 but I cannot prove that.)
Braces and Lanky are babysitting raising Catelynn’s half brother. April really is mother of the year. 

Maci won’t let Ryan have Bentley at all on his birthday unless he (Ryan) hangs out with her. She’s pathetic. Just because Ryan doesn’t want to hang out with you and your slow-albino at the aquarium doesn’t mean he’s a bad father. (Other things make him a bad father but that’s neither here nor there.)

Krystal, Amber’s cousin, comes over and judges her for going out with those rapists. Amber goes crazy. Amber also mixes too many plaids. Then she pretends like she’s upset that she never gets to see Leah. It’s like those fake tears we saw on Casey Anthony. 

Farrah is in her kitchen preparing for her culinary school final. She nearly sets the kitchen on fire just by turning on her oven. Good luck with the final, Idiot. 

Braces and Lanky go to job “interviews.” Braces goes to some jewelry store where the bitch owner wants a resume. Uh, you own a jewelry store in podunk Michigan. It’s not Tiffany. Lanky, on the other hand, makes a great impression on Dan of Dan Good Pizza and gets a job. Braces spends the next couple of days pacing, hoping the jewelry store owner calls her back and offers her a job. She does! $8 an hour, 2 days a week. (That’s not even worth getting out of bed for.)

Maci and Hot-Ryan have another fight about custody. She wants him for two hours on Halloween, after his birthday party. Ryan refuses. Stand your ground, hot stuff. 

In addition to Farrah’s final exams she has to prepare a business plan for a restaurant. This should be fun to watch. She sits with her mom, aka her only friend besides Sophia. Her idea is for an Italian-Asian fusion restaurant. That makes total sense. Sounds delicious! KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!

Amber gets in the car with Bill, the realtor. He also looks like a rapist. Note to self: DON’T GO TO INDIANA.

He shows her a real dump. My favorite thing about a house is when it has carpeted bathrooms. That’s never weird and old-timey.

Ryan’s creepy mom talks him into fighting for more custody. Not because he wants to spend more time with his son but because she wants to see her grandson more. And also a little because she wants to stick it to Maci. I hate his mom. They all have these terrible conversations about one another in front of Bentley. That’s totally healthy. 

I feel like Lanky kind of hates Braces. 

Amber can’t take Leah trick-or-treating because of neighborhood harassment. Or just because she doesn’t want to. Then she finds out Gary isn’t taking Leah trick-or-treating either because he’s “got things I’ve got to do tonight.” Like go on a date with a lady you met in the diaper aisle at Wal-Mart? WHY WERE THESE TWO ALLOWED TO HAVE A BABY? THE UNIVERSE MAKES SOME PRETTY TERRIBLE MISTAKES SOMETIMES!

Farrah is a huge liar and tells her mother that she ruined her business plan. And also that they hated the Italian-Asian fusion idea. Um, duh. P.S. I didn’t know you could fail culinary school. 

Fatty’s mom brings Leah over to see Vaguely Asian. VA doesn’t even hug her, but she DOES call her a dork. STATE OF INDIANA, IF YOU ARE READING THIS PLEASE GO TAKE THIS CHILD AWAY FROM ANY BLOOD RELATIVE!

Bentley’s birthday party looks terrible. Everyone is mad at everyone. Ryan calls Maci a “piece of shit” while she’s holding their son. That’s healthy for Bentley. What’s wrong with everyone on this show? 

Farrah’s family takes her to a celebratory dinner despite the fact that she probably failed out of culinary school. It’s really awkward. 

Amber finds a house in a nice neighborhood! Turns out nice in Indiana means terrifying in a normal state.

Next week on TEEN MOM: April’s meth lab explodes.