I don’t think the lady who owns the jewelry store needs an employee so I’m not sure why Catelynn is there. The store is a 10x10 hole. They’re both constantly having to slide by one another to help the one customer in the store. 

Once again, Braces and Lanky are maintaining a creepy relationship with Carly. The adoption counselor calls to talk about this year’s BIRTH MOM RETREAT. That sounds like a fun place to go. It’s Braces’ second year and she’s so excited. Probably because she’s too poor for real vacations. 

Braces and Lanky both feel guilty for not calling Carly’s adoptive parents as much as they used to. Uh, that’s normal. What was creepy was when you were nearly co-parenting with them. 

Farrah is finally finding out if she passed culinary school. She did! Congratulations, you graduated from something from which my cat, DeLuca, could have gotten her diploma. 

Farrah wants a dog because she has no friends. And she goes to a puppy mill because she’s an asshole without a brain who needs to be taken out back like Old Yeller. First of all, someone this stupid and brainless shouldn’t be allowed to own a dog. She’s allowed Sophia to get burned at least 14 times so what’s going to happen to this puppy? And second, it’s the year 2011…WE’VE BEEN TO THE MOON…how are people still going to puppy mills? 

Maci is sitting around, blowing in the wind, complaining about Ryan. Stop pretending like you hate him. You know you want him back. Even I want him back. 

Vaguely Asian is moving into her new house. She’s waiting a while to turn the heat on. Because that makes sense in the Indiana winter. Leah can’t move in with her until she gets heat. So she’s laying on Gary’s floor with him. God forbid anyone purchase furniture, what with all the Aeropostale shirts they have to buy. 

Fatty and Vaguely Asian fight about Leah’s birthday party. They also kind of decide they love each other. Then they decide they hate each other. Then both of them get a disease through the phone that kills them both and all is right in the world.

My favorite is when Leah calls Amber “Amber.” 

Farrah has decided that she’ll hide the dog from her mother. She’s telling Sophia all about it, as though Sophia is a grown adult. Then…THEN….THEN…she says she’s going to take the puppy “to potty” and dangles it over the toilet. I have hated Farrah since I met her but the rage she’s inducing in me right now is unhealthy. I hope someone hits her in the face with a cast iron skillet. It makes me so upset that someone this stupid and worthless is allowed to have a puppy. At least social services can take away Sophia. Or Sophia can kill her when it’s old enough. The puppy doesn’t have a chance. It’s too small to maul her to death. Universe, get to work with this one. 

I missed the entire part where Braces goes to the creepy BIRTH MOM RETREAT because I’m [STILL] so upset about this whole dog thing. 

Bentley spends some time with Ryan and his family. Ryan’s whore mom is causing trouble by telling Ryan that Slow-Albino (Kyle) appears to be living with Maci. Uh, duh, he is. Then they talk about court more. It’s like when Buster Bluth always said Army. 

Vaguely Asian is sitting around in her heatless house (I’m surprised she has electricity) looking at Leah’s old baby clothes as though she’s a good mother and cares. Then she goes into a Gary rage about the birthday party. Vaguely Asian’s friends and family scare me. They all look like they’d be at one of Jesse’s parties on Breaking Bad. 

It’s Gary time. He goes to a club.

Back to the BIRTH MOM RETREAT. These girls need to cool it. THIS CANNOT BE HEALTHY. These broads are so consumed by this. Why are they such creeps? We’ve all put up babies for adoption but you don’t see me at a BIRTH MOM RETREAT. Get a life, girls. Man up. Cool it. Etc. Etc. 

Farrah is back and just the sight of her enrages me again. MTV, why are you allowing this to happen? She goes to her parents house and drops off Sophia but tells her to lie about the puppy. Uh, she’s 2. She doesn’t understand yet how to be a sociopath. 

Farrah gets home and instead of taking her new puppy out for a walk (SINCE IT’S BEEN IN A CAGE FOR HOURS) she decides to dye her hair and keep the puppy in it’s cage again. I want to put Farrah in a cage and drop her off of a really high cliff. 

More disturbing footage of the BIRTH MOM RETREAT. Girls, you’ll all get pregnant 4 or 5 or 7 more times and abort/adopt before you decide to keep one of them so no big deal. GET OVER IT. 

Fatty met some girls during GARY TIME. Did Helen Keller rise from the grave so she could go clubbin’ in Indiana?!?! 

Leah’s 2nd birthday party looks AWESOME! For a homeless kid. 

I really like Maci’s grandfather clock. What year is it and how old is she?

Maci and Ryan have a talk about her living situation. They kind of flirt in an assholey way. That slow Albino should be jealous of Yawny Magoo. Not just because he’s so hot and not albino but because Maci is totally in love with him. 

Farrah can’t take her puppy outside because she’s keeping it a secret from her mom. I hope something heavy falls on her. Her mom comes over to use her shower and hears the dog squeak. But she thinks it’s a bat. THAT’S THE FIRST THING YOU GO TO WHEN YOU HEAR A SQUEAK? 

I wonder if Farrah used some of the leftover money from the bank loan she got for her new tits to pay for her puppy mill dog? I WISH THAT DOCTOR HAD KILLED HER ON THE TABLE WHEN HE GAVE HER HER NEW RACK.

Back to the meeting of the I HATE NEW MEMORIES CLUB (aka the BIRTH MOM RETREAT) whose members seem to be CONSUMED by the past. They’re all looking at baby pictures of the babies THAT AREN’T THEIRS ANYMORE. They’re obsessed with this. IF YOU WANT THEM SO MUCH MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE KEPT THEM so we didn’t have to be bored and, frankly, creeped out by all this creepiness.

Fatty and Vaguely Asian have another fight. And then VA takes Leah to a Mexican restaurant for her 2nd birthday. If I know anything it’s that 2 year olds love fajitas. 

Maci and her slow albino do some more mumbling at one another and I’m officially lost. [NOTE: More subtitles, MTV.]

This episode creeped me out and angered me more than usual. And where the hell were April and Butch?

Also, why does every episode end by tricking me into thinking it’s the season finale?