Wednesday is now my favorite day. 

Christi has Fatty Lee Miller meet her at the Donut Connection to discuss the showdown they had last week. Christi thinks Fatty McDance owes her an apology, but Fatty McDance is only there to get Christi to sign a document before she’s allowed to enter the studio again. Christi must agree to abide by all sorts of laws whilst in the studio. 

Abby heads to work and chastises the girls for their poor performances last weekend. WILL THEY EVER BE ENOUGH?!?

Maddie is, ONCE AGAIN, on top of the pyramid. That isn’t meant to sound sexual. The black girl is finally out of the bottom. Is it more racist that I call her the black girl or that Fatty McDance always has her at the bottom of the pyramid?

This week a Broadway talent agent will be coming to the showcase. The other twist is that the mother’s will also be performing in the showcase. WHY? Baby-Thief-Cathy will be choreographing this disaster. 

They show some rehearsal for SUGAR DADDIES. That’s not creepy at all. They use “big, rectangular props.” Again, not creepy at all. 

All the mom’s are talking about Christi’s outbreak. She apologizes claiming it wasn’t her finest moment. I doubt it was her least-finest moment either. 

The Mom’s Dancing® dance will be a jazz routine. I am so uncomfortable watching this. Cathy is Hitler-lite. She’s really upset that Christi arrives late. She gives her the same stink eye my cat gives me when I wake her from a slumber by playing with her foot. 

I NEVER WANT TO SEE MOMS DANCE.

Fatty McDance is even bigger this week than the last. But so am I so who am I to judge? 

Chloe is really excited to be seen by the Broadway talent scout. She’ll finally be out of Maddie’s shadow, her mother says. DON’T COUNT ON IT!

Pittsburgh looks like a hole. 

The girls get some really creepy head shots taken by a big fat man who looks like Fatty Lee Miller if she had different sex organs. 

I have nightmares of Fatty McDance screaming, “THAT LEG IS NOT HIGH ENOUGH” to me. 

Brooke got hit in the face with a Sugar Daddy prop. (That’s not sexual either.) She is always getting hurt and being told to stop crying. She cries through the majority of her day, complaining that she wishes she were a cheerleader. I really want to rescue her and just LET HER CHEER HER HEART OUT. 

Fatty McDance makes Christi and Kelly pass out flyers to the weekend’s show. They pass out two fliers and then go drink some grain alcohol on the street. Then they go to lunch. 

Where does Fatty Lee Miller get her muumuus? I LOVE THEM! 

Chloe gets scolded for wearing her hair down. Can she do nothing right? Then she gets scolded for crying. MAN UP. You’ll never be Maddie with those tears. 

NOTE: I just accidentally watched the commercials and saw a new show starting tomorrow called RUSSIAN DOLLS. I AM SO EXCITED I CAN’T TAKE IT. Russians are some of my favorite deviants. Lifetime is the new Bravo.

Holly (the black one who looks like Michelle Obama [and not just because she’s black, BUT BECAUSE SHE LOOKS LIKE MICHELLE OBAMA]) will not be performing in the mom’s showcase because she’s graduating. She’s old. What?

Fatty McDance goes Hitler on Melissa because the studio isn’t clean. She gets to work like Cinderella. 

Cesar (not Millan), the casting agent, seems fake. He is trying to be a hipster. That’s worse than being a hipster. He’s also fat. You know what’s worse than a hipster? A fat hipster. So imagine what it’s like to be a fatty trying to be a fat hipster. 

Chloe is forced to go first. She’s crying again. HEY CHLOE, HAVE YOU EVER SEEN MADDIE CRY? I DON’T THINK SO. COOL IT.

All the girls bomb this audition. Probably because Fatty McDance stresses everyone out (myself included) EVERY SINGLE TIME right before a performance. She also asks them if they can read. Melissa says her kids probably can’t because they never go to school. Does she know we can all hear her? 

Vivi-Anne was definitely stolen from her native land. And she really shouldn’t be on television. She’s only the worst dancer ever. 

Mackenzie, who is MAYBE 4, says she doesn’t want to sing for the casting agent. Fatty McDance bursts in and admonishes her. Then her mother does the same thing when she leaves the audition room.

Maddie has a breakdown, Chloe-style. 

All the girls are backstage, freaking out, crying in corners. They’re really going to be crying in corners in a few years when they’re pregnant junkies. 

I feel like Fatty Lee Miller can only fit her big body into salon capes. Her outfit everyday looks like she’s just about to sit down to get her hair cut. 

Cathy asks Fatty Lee Miller to dance in Holly’s place. Uh…has she seen her? Her girth would crush the stage in a pile of rubble. 

I’m bored by the showcase. The mom’s dance not only bores me but creeps me out. Cathy takes over and dances around the other moms. It’s uncomfortable to say the least.

Maddie doesn’t have to dance with a giant lollipop in the SUGAR DADDIES dance so it’s kind of like she has two solos. Boy does that Maddie shine. Why is she so awesome? (More importantly, why am I such a creep?)

Cesar says Maddie is a star. No shit, fool. She’s a sight to behold. 

All the other mom’s (mostly Christi) are really upset that everyone loves Maddie and thinks she’s great. SHE IS GREAT, EVERYONE SHOULD THINK SHE’S GREAT. Sorry your daughters aren’t Maddie. 

Next week on DANCE MOMS: Fatty Lee Miller enters a hot dog eating contest

SPOILER ALERT: She wins!