I would just like to preface this with an apology for taking so long to get this recap up. You can blame Allied Van Lines for not delivering anything I own, including televisions. (PS it’s been 15 days and the stuff still isn’t here.) So I bought a new [giant] television to bring this recap to the world. 

The show starts with Maci’s forehead. It should get it’s own show. (It’s certainly big enough to warrant it’s own room in her house.) She and her slow-albino mumble some stuff to each other. I have no idea what they say. Something about Bentley’s poop and Maci’s school. Shouldn’t he be pooping in a toilet now? He’s like 7. 

Catelynn and Tyler play some pool with their friends. All their friends look 35. They’re telling their friends that they’re graduating and they want Carly there. That makes sense and is healthy. No it doesn’t and no it’s not. YOU GAVE HER UP FOR ADOPTION. 

Farrah makes me so nervous. I don’t know why. She’s like a loose cannon. She’s scheduling a time to take Sophia to Derek’s grave. She and her puppy both use the human toilet and call it a day. 

Farrah walks across the street to her creepy mom’s house to ask her if she’ll go to the grave, too. Knifey McKnife is excited to go. If excited is the right word to use when talking about a grave visit. 

Leah is still living with Fatty because Vaguely Asian still doesn’t have anything other than a mattress. I moved across the country last week and the mover’s decided not to bring 85% of my stuff (IT’S STILL NOT HERE IF YOU’RE READING THIS, ALLIED VAN LINES!) and I went to the store to purchase new bedding. Vaguely Asian hasn’t had sheets since I’ve known her. DOES SHE KNOW HOW EASY IT IS TO BUY THEM AND PUT THEM ON? (I do hate putting on the duvet cover but that’s another issue entirely.)

Vaguely Asian calls her mom and asks her not to be a bitch at the Social Services hearing the next morning. I can’t wait to see this disaster. I really hope the state of Indiana makes the right decision and takes Leah away from all these creeps. 

Sweet-Ass-Ryan’s dad comes to pick up Bentley. God forbid Ryan do it himself. Then Maci and Slow-Albino just sit around discussing how bored they are. Cut to Ryan and his parents ONCE AGAIN talking about taking Maci to court. Cool it with this talk in front of the child. Also, you’ve all been talking about taking her to court SINCE I HAVE KNOWN YOU and you still haven’t done it. Do it or shut your whore mouths. I’m bored already. 

I feel like Lanky hates Braces. For two kids who have been together since the beginning of time they certainly are awkward around each other. 

Butch is out of the halfway house!! I’m so excited. DO YOU THINK HE CAN SEE APRIL YET?!?! He can’t come to Lanky’s graduation because he has to find meth work. 

Lanky and Braces spend the rest of the night making chili and talking about Carly. 

Apparently high school seniors in Michigan learn about Pearl Harbor. (What?)     

Vaguely Asian, her mother and her friend Kim head to the Social Services meeting. VA and her mother get in a full blown fight. Bringing her mom was a really great idea. 

Gary can barely get out of a car.

Leah has the biggest ass on a baby I’ve ever seen. 

Farrah has another adult conversation about death and stuff with her 2-year-old. Then the dog chews on Sophia’s head. This dog situation is not going to end well for someone. 

I’m so sick of hearing Maci and Ryan talk about custody. Get it together, bitches, you’re boring me to tears. Maci, drop out of school if you hate it so much. Ryan, come over to my house get your act together and take her to court. 

Lanky and Braces meet with Ice T her teacher (named MONTY. Not Mr. Monty, just Monty.) to see if she passed a test. She’s super excited about getting a 65. I’m super worried about the state of our education system. “I was like, ‘what’s an education going to do for me?’” Braces says. Uh…

Then Braces goes on and on (And on. And on. And…) about Carly to Monty. PLEASE STOP. YOU ARE SCARING ME, BRACES. 

Social Services says Leah can live with Vaguely Asian once her house is ready. Luckily (for Leah) that house will never be ready. 

VA and her mother fight on the way home. I hope both of them have guns so they can just end this entire thing. I assume Vaguely Asian’s dad is the Asian part of this equation? 

More custody talk. SHUT UP. 

Why is Farrah so orange? And does she wear a Bump It™? She refers to the grave as “good.” She also asks her two-year-old what she thinks of the gravesite. Does she know how old her daughter is? Is she confused? Am I confused? What?

I love Tyler’s mom. I don’t understand what she saw in Butch. (Except his ponytail.)

I want to punch Maci in the forehead so hard. 

I wish I knew where Vaguely Asian gets her nails done. They’re so classy and long. I love them! She lays around in bed some more. Every time I see her in bed (which is every time I see her) I feel like we’re soul mates. Laying down is my favorite thing. I once said that at a game show audition. (I did not make it on the game show despite winning the mock game. I guess “laying down” is not a suitable hobby for a game show contestant. Even if I was THE SMARTEST PERSON IN THE ROOM. [I’m obviously still not over this snub.])

Maci drops all some most of her classes. She tries to explain this to her slow albino but he doesn’t seem to understand. I really think something might be wrong with his brains. 

My least favorite thing about white trash is when they say “I seen them” instead of “I’ve seen them.” DO THEY NOT TEACH THE WORD I’VE IN MICHIGAN? Braces wants to get Lanky an engagement ring so no college girls will flirt with him. If I know anything it’s that girls are sluts and they don’t care about engagements and stuff.

Next week on TEEN MOM: Amber still doesn’t have sheets.