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Bridezillas: Danni and Suzy; Or: The One Where Both Brides Are Horribly Disfigured On Their Wedding Day; Or: The One with All the Karma

I have never seen this show so I’m a little nervous. Brides scare me. 

The first bride to be is Suzy. The voiceover calls her slightly unstable so that’s reassuring. She’s 19 (obviously the exact right age to be getting married), lives in Texas and announces, “I’m 98% sure I’m bipolar.” I’m not sure where she got the percentage. She’s marrying a military man named Taylor. He’s 20. Again, these two seem like they’re making a great decision to get married…when neither of them can even legally drink at their own wedding. Suzy has been bossing Taylor around since high school. 

They’re getting ready at something called an “event center.” Is that like the rec center where I did water aerobics with old broads last summer when I couldn’t find a gym? It sounds like it’s going to be such a beautiful wedding. (Is the reception on the basketball court?)

Suzy doesn’t even want a “real” wedding. I’m not sure how real it is considering it’s at a rec center. She wants to go to the courthouse, but she’s obliging Taylor and giving him the wedding he’s dreamed of ever since he was a gay little fagatron. 

Suzy wants to beat the crap out of Cory, the best man. There is a montage of her slapping him. She also says “kiss my ass” more than you’d think necessary in one’s daily life. 

She has a lot of rage. All she wants to do is hit people, bitch. 

"I’M NOT GOING TO TOLERATE YOU, OLD BITCH," she says to HER MOM. You tell her, Suzy. She IS an old bitch. 

Six days before the wedding Suzy has a sitdown with Cory about his duties. If he doesn’t agree to all of her demands she’s kicking him out of the wedding. Taylor is making such a great decision by marrying this broad. 

Cory is late to their meeting. SHE IS NOT HAPPY. Good luck with this, Cory. He finally answers his phone but he’s REAL busy having a radio installed in his car. (Don’t cars come with radios?) Suzy is pissed off because Cory claims he can’t afford his tux [rental] but he can afford a radio. (But he can’t afford a car without a radio already installed. His finances are hard to process.)

Suzy goes to the radio store and goes into a rage. She drags him into an abandoned parking lot. Someone is about to die right here on television. 

Sadly no one dies.

The next bride on this episode is Danni, a 26-year-old from Minnesota. She’s marryng Marlon. They’re both DJs. He’s also a teacher’s aid. I don’t really get it either. 

We have to see Danni get a bikini wax. So I threw a brick through my television since I had to watch that. She brings some fagatron with her to hold her hand. He’s a real bitch about it. He’s also her hair stylist. That’s a little awkward. 

The next 10 minutes is footage of her wax. 

Back to Suzy. She’s getting a facial. Riveting. Go crazy again, please. Why is her mom in the facial room? Her mom asks if Suzy wants to get a get well card for Taylor’s father. She says she wants him to die. SHE’S SUCH A NICE LADY. 

Then there is a fight over the seating arrangement. She hates old people. WHO DOESN’T? 

The facial didn’t help. Her face is still an ugly fat mess. Get her off my TV, WE. 

Dani goes to her hairstylist, who tells her she needs extensions. She says he’s wrong and not focused. Then she starts drinking. Then she goes into a rage about how no one thinks she’s beautiful. Then she says he sucks at her job. Then she sets the building on fire. 

Suzy heads to the airport to pick Taylor up from the airport. Luckily (for Taylor) he’s based at some military base nowhere near Suzy. Cory also shows up to greet Taylor. It’s like their gay for each other. Don’t ask, don’t tell. 

Then Suzy has a meltdown because one of her nails is broken. She bursts into tears and her mother and Taylor have to console her. It’s really weird. Something is definitely wrong with this broad. 

Suzy’s mom combs her hair and I’m, ONCE AGAIN, creeped out. She (the mom) says she needs a haircut because the ends look terrible. Guess who has a meltdown? Suzy! She says she started growing it long so she could donate it, but then fell in love with it and didn’t want to share it. This woman is a real humanitarian. Anyway, her mom cuts off 1/8 of an inch and Suzy goes ballistic. Taylor seems a little terrified. I hope he escapes.

Suzy was adopted! IF ONLY SHE COULD BE RETURNED. 

Poor Danni has gotten almost no screen time. (Probably because she’s black.)

Danni’s rehearsal dinner is off to bad start when her best friend slash biggest enemy, B. Wright, (I am guessing on that spelling. Could be B. Right. Or Bee Wright. The possibilities are endless.) won’t let her have a sip of his drink because it has calories in it and he thinks she needs to cool it on the calories. This incident just starts a spiral within Danni. She threatens to leave. Bee Right won’t shut his mouth. It’s not about you, Bee, it’s about this bridezilla. EVERYTHING IS ABOUT THIS BRIDEZILLA. Danni threatens to leave. But no one tries to stop her. 

Taylor has yet to get Suzy a plane ticket back to Washington with him for after the wedding. She should take this hint. HE DOESN’T EVEN LIKE YOU. Since he hasn’t bought the ticket she wraps up a Tarantula and scares him with it. She’s such an awesome person. It still doesn’t scare him into buying her a plane ticket. HE NEEDS TO RUN AWAY NOW. 

Danni attacks her friend and also the camera man. Then she says a little chant in the corner and gets her act together for 30 seconds. Then she goes insane again. Somehow she gets through the ceremony without killing the priest and all is well. 

Everyone gets drunk at the reception, which seems to be in the lobby of an office building. 

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