The show begins with Abby recapping [to the girls, who were there] the past weekend’s dance competition where they blew everyone else out of the water. She quickly moves on to this week’s competition. It’s called STAR POWER and it’s at the Mohegan Sun Casino in Connecticut. The moms + a casino + alcohol= my dream. They’re be learning a new routine and getting new costumes. The mom’s look thrilled. 

Cut to the rehearsal. Fatty McDance slaps Maddie’s arm over and over and grabs the black one’s ass. All the while this is going on, the mom’s are up in the OBSERVATION MEZZANINE still fighting about the costume debacle from last weekend. Everyone hates Kathy. Rightly so.

I think Fatty McDance wants to have sex with Maddie. She goes on and on about how breathtaking she is and how she’s going to be dressed as an angel. There’s some footage of her rehearsing and she’s a vision. 

“Nia is African American,” Fatty McDance tells us of Nia. Is she? I HAD NO IDEA. Fatty teaches her some urban dance. You know, because she’s black. She finally has a solo! Her mom will be so proud. If it weren’t so racist. 

Nia looks like she’s a 32-year-old cocktail waitress. 

Minister Dawn comes back! She’s from the first episode I saw. She’s an actual minister, which looks really great for the church. Fatty Lee McDance Miller McFatty called the cops on her and kicked her child out of the dance company a few months ago so this should be good. They have a fight about what Minister Dawn owes her. 

Fatty McDance holds a group meeting with the mom’s and the dancers. She’s making everyone follow a dress code so everyone is easy to find. Kathy goes insane. SHE WILL BE WEARING HER FUCHSIA BALL GOWN WHETHER MCDANCE LIKES IT OR NOT! Fuchsia! Fatty McDance gives in. She always gives in to Kathy, which makes no sense. It’s like Kathy has nude pictures of McDance and she’s using them as leverage. I PRAY THOSE PICTURES NEVER LEAK.

Next Kathy and Vivi drive around, listening to classical music and having adult conversations. Kathy wants Vivi to have some glamour shots taken. Uh, that’s not going to make her less creepy in her cold, dead eyes. It’s just going to whore up her cold, dead eyes. 

The girls are rehearsing their group dance but Nia just can’t do it right. SHE CAN NEVER DO ANYTHING RIGHT. 

Next up, the costume unveiling. Everyone is in sequins and sparkly nonsense. Except Nia. She’s in leopard print. You know, because she’s African? Then…Abby PUTS NIA IN AN AFRO WIG! Then Holly, Nia’s mother, who is also black says, “my name is Holly, not Laquifa.” If I said that I’d be dubbed a racist. WHY IS HOLLY ALLOWED TO SAY IT?

After the Laquifa debacle the mom’s go out to drink some grain alcohol and complain about the costumes and racism and whatnot. 

It’s the day of the competition and, once again, Kathy and Vivi, refuse to ride with the group. Also, once again, they only have 30 minutes to get their kid’s slutted up and dressed. Why do they always leave so late that they have no time to prepare? They’ve been doing this since the beginning of time and they still can’t get there early enough that they don’t have to rush? Maddie is no pleased about all this. She’s all worked up because she’s a perfectionist and no one is slutting her up exactly as she should be. IT’S JUST NOT PERFECT. You know what is perfect? Her dancing! She’s glorious. 

The girls are the first group of the day. Nia screws it up, per usual. GET IT TOGETHER, GIRRRRL. You have the rhythm of a white girl. The girls didn’t even place. Because Nia is a real fuck up. 

Kathy has apparently entered Vivi in the photogenic award. I think she’d only be able to win this if her only competition was Fatty McDance. And even then I’m not sure. She has 2 or 3 teeth, spaced out throughout her entire mouth and a couple of chins. Not exactly the most photogenic. 

Then Maddie performs her solo and she lights up the entire room. WHY IS SHE SO GOOD? (Why am I crying?)

Holly is still complaining about the afro. She should be more concerned with her daughter’s terrible dancing and less concerned about racism. Cool it, Laquifa Holly.

More dance routines. None of them are Maddie so WHO CARES. 

The judges rip Vivi to shreds in the photogenic contest. Uh, duh. Is it terrible that I love to watch this? VIVI IS SO CREEPY. Kathy can’t understand why she lost. She blames the photographer. 

Nia does her racist dance and I don’t even know what to say. The song is terrifying and just shouts “THEY CALL ME LAQUIFA” over and over. She gyrates all over the stage in her afro. Holly is still pissed off so she finally confronts Fatty McDance. They don’t really get anywhere, per usual. 

Next week on Dance Moms: Nia tries on her new Aunt Jemima costume, Nia tries on her African queen costume and Nia tries on her Oprah costume.