Amber and her new boyfriend Clinton are preparing for Christmas and “trying not to focus on the domestic abuse charges.” They also watch videos of Leah learning to use a toilet. She also gets some roses from a secret admirer Gary. Then Gary calls her and she talks to him on speaker in front of Clinton and it’s super awkward. It’s weird when Gary makes someone look good. Clinton is so creepy. 

Elsewhere, Ryan texts Maci to tell her he has a job opportunity for the slow albino. I feel like the slow albino would be the kind of person who falls for the ol’ “job opportunity” line from a stranger in a Thai airport who wants someone to transport a bag for them. 

Farrah has decided she doesn’t want can’t afford to live in California so she’s now all gungho about moving in Arizona. Does she know what Arizona is? It’s hot. That’s what it is. And I bet Farrah doesn’t like sweating. 

Farrah’s parents have lived in Arizona so they plan a family trip (that is sure to involve anger and knives) so they can show Farrah some of the nicer parts. 

In Michigan Braces and Lanky are moving. Again. Braces could now be called Retainer, as she wears her retainer constantly. (Aren’t you just supposed to sleep in it?) But I’ll stick to Braces. They’ve found a place that is bigger and cheaper, which makes no sense because they’re old apartment cost $45 a month. During the move Catelynn’s dad calls to say he’s visiting. He’s coming up for a job interview. She’s excited that her stable parent might be around. Uh, stable? You haven’t been in his life in years and the last time you went to visit him it was awkward and his house had no doors. IT WAS JUST GAPING DOOR HOLES.

Maci is STILL trying to decide if she wants to register for classes this semester. SHE’S BEEN TRYING TO DECIDE THIS FOREVER. How has the deadline not passed? She really doesn’t want to go because she doesn’t want to miss anything in Bentley’s life. And also because she’s lazy.

Braces and Lanky bring their friends over to show off there 2nd new dwelling in over a month. They don’t seem to have anywhere to sit other than the built in bench in the kitchen. 

Farrah and the family head to the airport. By the time they get to the kiosks Farrah’s head has already started spinning. Then she ditches her family at security and goes to the gate without them. 

Apparently Vaguely Asian had a sister who died 1000 years ago of SIDS. Is it horrible that I don’t believe that Amber didn’t kill her? 

Catelynn and Tyler head to an establishment called Coney Island to meet her dad. During this scene my friends song plays and it’s REAL EXCITING. (Seven Saturdays, The Snowflakes That Hit Us Became Our Stars. Go find it on the internet: http://www.sevensaturdaysmusic.com)

Catelynn’s dad is super creepy. That should be obvious considering he HAS A HOUSE WITH NO DOORS. He also talks like he has a brain injury. And how has he never met Tyler?

Farrah is finally in Arizona, at the train museum! It looks horrible and I hope my child never wants to go to it. (Because we’re definitely not going.) Farrah’s mom wants to go hiking, but Farrah shuts that down real quick. Farrah’s parents drive her past some mansions for no apparent reason. 

Bore me to death, why don’t you Maci? Jesus, is this broad boring or what? She and the slow albino go by her parents house to discuss her schooling. Her mom tells her, more or less, that she’ll punch her in the neck if she doesn’t go back to school. 

In other news, Ryan friended the slow albino on Facebook. Hey Ryan, friend me. (Can you send me some nude pictures, too?)

I AM REALLY CREEPED OUT BY DAD-BRACES. His mustache is unsettling. Guess who they talk about over dinner? CARLY! Shocking. Then Dad-Braces says he’s there for Braces and Lanky anytime they need him. EXCEPT that time Lanky tried and tried and tried to get in touch with him over the phone to ask his permission to propose to Braces. But that time doesn’t count.

Farrah’s parents take her to a really fancy gang neighborhood in Scottsdale. I wish they’d just get her a house there so someone would shoot her. Then they all do some more fighting. 

Is Catelynn’s dad a fagatron? He looks like the gays I know who hang out at rest stops, trolling for sex. (While I’m on this subject, why are gay gentlemen such rest stop-sex enthusiasts? THERE ARE OTHER PLACES TO GO THAT AREN’T WOODED/OUTSIDE.) 

Vaguely Asian has a meltdown about her sister again. Probably because she still feels guilty. Then Fatty calls to say he and Leah have almost finished decorating the tree. She agrees to help them finish. 

Maci is STILL deciding about school. She also has a wall mounted 12 inch computer monitor. That makes sense. She calls her advisor to ask about taking a semester off. Just quit already. Work on your skincare routine or something. School just isn’t for you. 

Farrah fights with her parents over dinner. Why do they even hang out with this bitch? I wish the mom had killed her when she had the chance. 

Then they sit around awkwardly in the hotel room. Farrah decides they need to go to counseling. I’m sure that will work. 

Braces has Ed Hardy seat and steering wheel covers! It’s so classy and great!

Are Braces and Lanky hoarding animals? And from where did they steal all this furniture? 

Amber finally makes it over to Gary’s. (SHE HAD SOME STOPS TO MAKE.) She makes it just in time to turn on some creepy-sounding thing and to put Leah to bed. Then she cries to Fatty about her sister. He kind of consoles her. By that I mean he scratches her head like she’s a dog. Gary has 4 pieces of furniture: a love seat, a guitar, a vacuum and a Christmas tree. Yet somehow his is the suitable house to raise a child. 

Next week on TEEN MOM: Amber gets arrested and Butch and April do a nude photo shoot [in my dreams]