IT’S MY FAVORITE DAY OF THE WEEK: DANCEDAY!

This week starts off with the troupe in Orlando at Star Power. Cathy and Vivi-Anne are nowhere to be found. Chloe isn’t doing a solo this week. Why is Fatty McDance such a bitch to Chloe? She also puts her on the bottom of the ol’ pyramid. Nia, the token black girl, is also on the bottom per usual. While Fatty McDance is putting up the pyramid she also blames each mother for something or other. Michelle Obama Holly is still angry about the afro from last week. Cool it, First Black, First Lady™.

Fatty Lee Miller announces that a boy will be in this week’s routine. His name is Brandon and he’s super gay but no one seems to notice that. He and Brooke had a thing a few years ago but according to her “it never went anywhere.” Uh, because a couple of years ago you were 9. Not much goes anywhere at that age.

“He’s very masculine on stage, which all of my boys are. I pride myself on that,” Abby creepily says of Brandon. So not only is she fat, but she’s also a pedophile?

The girls rehearse their routine while all the mother’s sit around bashing Fatty McDance, each other and anyone else they can think of to bash.

Brooke and Brandon are both acting really weird. Fatty Lee Miller berates them for their lack of chemistry. Then she tries to eat one of them. Then she makes them kind of have sex on stage. It’s pretty sketchy.

McDance calls their mothers downstairs and tells them that their kids need to go on a date together.

Next up, Fatty McDance rehearses Nia and she forces Holly to come down and watch it. Luckily for me it’s vaguely racist again. It’s pretty awesome.

Cathy and Vivi are still nowhere to be found. Until Cathy is found. Fatty McDance gets Cathy on the phone and beckons her down to her hotel room. She announces she’s pulling Vivi’s solo. SAY IT AIN’T SO.

Brooke and Brandon go on a double date with their moms. Then they ditch their mothers and ride amusement park rides together. They still don’t have any chemistry. Apparently Kelly and Brandon’s mom (I’m too lazy to learn her name) are best friends but Mom-Brandon is jealous that Kelly is always with the dance moms.

Brooke is a bit aloof on the date. She says she thinks Brandon still likes her but she’s moved on. She’s just not the same person she was when she was 9-years-old. (Her words, not mine.)

Here comes the good part. Maddie is rehearsing her solo all by herself and it is like watching…Black Swan or something where people dance really well. (Note: until this show I’ve never been a real fan of dance so I don’t have any thing to compare it to other than Black Swan, which I thought was crap. But that’s neither here nor there.)

Elsewhere, Fatty McDance coaches the girls on the pageantry part of this competition. Why is this all of a sudden a pageant? After that she sends the girls off by themselves into alligator country to find their moms. Who lets 7-year-olds roam around on their own? It’s like she wants them to be on MY STRANGE ADDICTION in later life.

Cathy Nesbitt finally arrives in the Situation Room. (I’ve dubbed the room where the moms sew costumes and fight “The Situation Room”) Everyone is really angry at Cathy Nesbitt. Obviously. Everyone is always upset with Cathy Nesbitt. She grabs Vivi and storms out. (It probably reminds Vivi of that time Cathy Nesbitt grabbed her from her birth family and stormed out of her homeland.)

The girls get a quick break to play some watermelon game that Fatty McDance forces them to play. Everything is a competition with that fat broad. Maddie claims to be injured but none of the other mother’s believe her. They just think she can’t handle someone else winning.

The next morning the girls are all hanging out, practicing on their own. Maddie sees her biggest competition, some broad kid named Julianna. Julianna’s mom is really excited to meet Maddie. It’s weird and uncomfortable.

Then Maddie dances and all my sorrows are gone. She’s just remarkable. (Julianna’s dance is also shown and she’s certainly no Maddie.)

Next up is the interview portion. Julianna is well-poised and normal. Maddie is a mess. IT REALLY SHOULDN’T MATTER. THIS IS ABOUT DANCING. DANCING IS WHAT SHOULD MATTER. COME ON!

Luckily the judges agree with me and Maddie won. THANK GOD. (Am I right?)

Next up is the group competition. Maddie outshines everyone even when she’s in a group. Brandon and Brooke dance like they’re strangers. It’s terrible. Why is Brooke such a cold fish?

The group didn’t even place in the top 10. Boy are those kids going to get it on Monday when they get back to Pittsburgh.

Nia’s solo is coming up and she’s dressed like Aladdin. Holly is harping about it again AND EVERYTHING ELSE. She’s really upset that Fatty McDance barks orders at Nia. SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH AND LET THAT DOG BARK.

Nia performs her solo and it totally sucks. I could have done better. (Note: I probably could not have done better.) Everyone else seems to think she did a good job. I guess we weren’t watching the same dance. She wins first place in her category. Who was she up against?

At the end of the competition Fatty McDance says they’re going straight to Vegas then Los Angeles then Lake Tahoe. Uh, do they have school? Cathy Nesbitt announces that she and Vivi will not be going and she quits. NO MORE CATHY NESBITT? WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?

Next week on DANCE MOMS: The moms drink grain alcohol in the back of a stretch limo in Las Vegas. That is all that happens next week.