I am so excited for this. When that creep killed himself a few weeks ago (and I feel as though I can call him a creep because he was one and he hit women. But mostly because he was a super creep. I can speak ill of the dead when the dead was a super creep whilst living.) I was devastated that Bravo was going to push back the season. I was going to fly to New York and set Bravo on fire. Luckily I didn’t have to because THEY MADE THE RIGHT DECISION.

Moving on, it’s August 29, 2011. Everyone (minus Taylor, of course) gathers at Andrienne’s house to talk about Russell’s death. Everyone is fake sad. I mean, there’s no way to actually be sad, right?. I guess they’re sad for Taylor and their child, which makes sense. But let’s not mourn the wife abuser. They all act shocked. Um, I didn’t know him and I’m not shocked. It’s like a group therapy session. Boring. Cool it with Russell. Let’s talk about LISA VANDERPUMP. They all pretty much say Russell was a bad dude. Duh. 

Then we go back to scenes from last season and the new season begins prior to Russell’s suicide. It starts with LISA VANDERPUMP and Giggy “weeweeing” outside the Beverly Hills beauty salon. Not Lisa, but Giggy. They meet Pandora, LISA VANDERPUMP’S daughter to talk about her boyfriend, Jason. LISA VANDERPUMP really wants them to get married. Cut to Jason meeting with Ken, asking permission to marry Pandora. Ken is REAL excited about it. Not just the engagement, but the old-timeyness about Jason asking the father. It’s a real sweet moment. I’M CRYING. 

WHERE IS THAT BITCH CAMILLE?

Demi Moore Kyle and that fox of a husband of hers are packing up their house because they’re moving. 

Apparently the queen of passive aggression, Kim, has been ignoring Kyle’s calls since that big limo fight where Kyle showed off her awesome legs. I thought Kim wasn’t coming back? I wish she wasn’t there. She bores me to tears. We all see how jealous of your sister. I mean she looks like Demi Moore and you look like…Rumer Willis? (That’s the ugliest person I could think of off the top of my head.) 

I can’t even wrap my head around the size of Camille’s Malibu house. She just roams around on a golf cart. She’s in the process of selling their Hamptons estate. And is thinking of downsizing in LA, too. Who needs 5 acres when it’s just one broad, two kids and whoever the broad is banging at the time? It’s just too much space. 

Camille and Kelsey don’t communicate at all. He sent her a bucket of furniture and clothes from the Hamptons house. He’s a standup gentleman, apparently. 

Elsewhere, Adrienne and Paul wander around their golden house. They fight about everything, but not in a Russell-I’m-Going-To-Hit-You-When-the-Cameras-Are-Off kind of way. They kind of bore me to death.

Kyle goes shopping in preparation for some fancy, golden party at Andrienne’s House of Gold™. Taylor meets her there. She apparently just ran into Cedric. That bastard who hurt LISA VANDERPUMP. Taylor is totally afraid of LISA VANDERPUMP. Taylor’s a loser. Just because LISA VANDERPUMP is leery of being her friend doesn’t mean she’s a bad person. LISA VANDERPUMP IS AN AWESOME PERSON. 

Adrienne is made at Paul because he promised to help set up for the dinner party, but he’s a dude and he didn’t help, nor did he answer his phone. In other news, they got a dog (Jackpot) who is so much cuter than Giggy. I WANT TO PUNCH JACKPOT IN HIS NOSE. 

Their house is filled with people and hullabaloo in preparation for the party. They’re serving $2200 bottles of champagne. They seem to think the price makes them classy. (I think all the gold and columns kind of rule out the class.)

Kim is so creepy. Why did she show up to the dinner/screening (apparently the dinner party is also a screening of SHIT MY DAD SAYS) if she still hates Kyle so much? LISA VANDERPUMP shows up in shoes made of diamonds because she is awesome and special and she should always be covered in diamonds. 
Giggy and Jackpot don’t like each other very much. 

They head to the screening room. Everything is red and leathery. (I’m talking about the chairs and Kim’s face.) Camille is in the episode of SHIT MY DAD SAYS. Why was that even allowed to be a show? I hate Hollywood. 

Adrienne and Paul have a full-blown fight at the dinner table. EVERYONE IS THERE. INCLUDING ME, THE AUDIENCE. WE CAN SEE YOU.

This dinner party is really boring. There are a lot of shots of the salad. 

They all talk about their relationships. Kyle and LISA VANDERPUMP say they never get into full-blown fights because their husbands always give in. They ask Taylor what’s up with she and Russell and she says they’re really working on things through therapy. THAT WORKED OUT REALLY WELL! 

The dinner takes another turn for the awkward when Ken says it’s weak to be in couple’s therapy. Taylor storms off and cries. Speaking of weak. Man up, Taylor. 

LISA VANDERPUMP says Taylor is manipulative and trying to bring Kyle to her side. DON’T DO IT, KYLE. THE LISA VANDERPUMP SIDE IS THE SIDE TO BE ON. 

Taylor looks like she’s on death’s door. Bones are jutting out from every side of her. It is MAKING ME SICK. 

Lisa announces she has to go to the airport (uh, what?) so they have to leave. She’s really upset that Kyle is becoming such good friends with Bones. Camille is just happy she’s not a part of the drama for once. 

IT’S OVER ALREADY. WHAT?!?! HOW IS IT ALREADY OVER? PLEASE COME BACK!

(The scenes from this season make it look like the BEST SEASON OF ANYTHING EVER ON THE TELEVISION AND I CAN’T EVEN WAIT FOR NEXT MONDAY.)