I hope Butch and April make an appearance on this episode. (I also hope that Butch accepts my Facebook friend request. My birthday is Sunday so if someone can make that happen it’d be the best gift.)

I really love this show so much I can hardly take it. 

I love when episodes start out with Vaguely Asian. This one does! She and Gary are sharing custody of Leah. They’re also getting along. Until the day Amber beats the hell out of him and gets arrested for domestic battery. Yeah! You tell that fat bastard what’s up, bitch! Tell him with your fists.

Fatty’s mom comes over the next day. She and Gary sit around, breathing heavily. (I think they both might want to go to the doctor to have things checked out.)

Gary is REAL upset that she’s in jail and probably scared. Bitch, please. You know she’s already the gang leader in jail. Do you even know how scary she is?

Ugh! Farrah. She has a new idea of something she wants to do. She wants to get her bachelor’s degree now. Next week she’s going to be looking at doctoral programs. She and her mom get in another fight. Sadly no knives are drawn. Knifey Magoo says she should go but leave Sophia with her and just fly back and forth. Farrah goes insane and refuses to leave Sophia behind. (The best thing that could happen to that child is if Farrah lost her somewhere and never found her again.)

You guys, MACI DECIDED TO ENROLL IN [COMMUNITY] COLLEGE THIS SEMESTER. Thank God! (I wonder when she’ll drop all of her classes.) Elsewhere in Maciland, the Slow Albino shattered his knee and has to have surgery. Maci is hoping he’ll go to Nashville and have his mother take care of him. Apparently he’s not going to. That’s cool, make the single mother/community college student take care of you. SHE HAS PLENTY OF TIME. 

Somewhere in the depths of hell Michigan, Braces is desperately trying to learn remedial math and spelling so she can graduate high school. Lanky is already off to college, looking like a real pimp in his 1984 Cutlass Supreme. (Is that a car? I made it up. If it’s not a car it should be.)

It also turns out that they tricked us last week. Their house isn’t a house, it’s a trailer. It also appears to be in the middle of the road. MICHIGAN MAKES NO SENSE. 

Tyler now has more time to spend hanging out with their friends around the trailer. He has plans to hang out at clubs, too. Michigan has clubs? Braces gets home from school and Lanky informs her that they’re going clubbin’ (no g) the following night. Braces is none too thrilled about it. She says she’s way too jealous because Tyler’s so handsome. “I don’t want nobody else dancing on you, but me,” she says. I don’t ever want anyone to dance up on me. 

Braces cries because she feels ugly and insecure. Then she breaks up with Lanky. WHAT JUST HAPPENED? He wants to go clubbin’ (no g) and all of a sudden he decides they have nothing in common? What do you mean, you have Carly in common!

Then she agrees to go even though she doesn’t want to. She also says they should go to counseling about clubbin’ (no g). OK. Wait, what? 

Maci meets here friend Mimi for coffee while the slow albino is in surgery. That’s just as boring as it sounds. 

Farrah decides she hates her dog because it’s a sanitation issue. You know what’s a sanitation issue, Farrah? Your slut face and body. I hate you so much. 

And then Sophia sleeps on a table because her mother is so great and loves to keep her daughter safe. 

Farrah and Michael, her father that she calls Michael, fight about school/life/Sophia/Knifey Magoo/EVERYTHING. She doesn’t seem to think moving 2000 miles away is a drastic change. Luckily she’ll have a different plan tomorrow anyway so this one doesn’t even really matter.

So much has happened with Braces and Lanky this week that I’d almost forgotten that Amber was arrested. She says jail like “jell.” She has to stay in jell for 24 hours. That seems like just enough time to form a prison gang for the next time she’s in jell. 

Gary and his mother heavy breath through another scene. I can’t hear the dialogue over their wheezing.

Apparently there is a no contact rule in place between Amber and Gary. He’s really upset. Is something wrong with his brain? Did Vaguely Asian beat the brain out of him or did he ever even have one? Sadly (for Leah), she can still legally see her daughter. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE STATE OF INDIANA?

Back to Boring and Boringer (Braces and Lanky). These two bastards used to be my favorites. Now they’re just pathetic weirdos. They’re headed to counseling to discuss clubbin’ (no g). Catelynn has a meltdown [AGAIN] in the car on the way there. Tyler needs to smother her in her sleep. 

WHERE IS BUTCH BALTIERRA? 

Maci picks the slow albino up from the hospital and waits on him hand and foot. He asks her not to go to school the next day. She, of course, decides not too. She’s just the bastion of good decisions, this broad. 

Farrah makes one good decision: she gives Candy the dog away. She also makes a great decision to leave Sophia in the car alone for a while. 

Farrah and Sophia head to Ft. Lauderdale to check out school or something. I’m not even sure it’s school anymore. She’s probably going to find out about jobs in pharmaceutical sales or dentistry. IT CHANGES EVERY DAY. She has a feeling Florida is going to be the perfect place for her. Maybe she can live with Catelynn’s dad in his doorless house. 

Back to Catelynn and Tyler’s therapy. She’s terrified of other women. He claims he doesn’t even look at other broads. HE IS A LIAR. She wants to watch movies and hang out at home. SOUNDS LIKE MY DREAM GIRL. 

Their therapist is kind of sucky and her office looks like she works in the mortgage department of a bank. 

Amber finally gets released from jell. She’s mad that the news is following her. Apparently not much happens in Indiana. She’s very excited to see Leah. Yeah, right. 

Maci actually heads to class. I feel like she goes because it means she gets to see Ryan, not because she wants to go to class. They flirt a little when they see each other. She smiles at that hot loser in a way she never smiles at the slow albino. 

We get to see Farrah look at MORE apartments. Ft. Lauderdale looks like just another slum in Farrah’s Slum Tour of ‘11. 

Maci meets with her advisor. Again. Does she know she’s in community college? 

Braces and Lanky head out to the club. Lanky is wearing a button down shirt over a polo over a t-shirt. I don’t even understand. They go to a place called The Bank. It looks super awesome.  Is Braces wearing her retainer? There are 4 other people at The Bank. I wonder if it’s still in business? 

Maci dyes her hair blond and gets extensions all the way down to her ass. She looks SO HOT. (I’m totally lying.) I bet she did it for Ryan. 

Amber announces that jell made her realize she doesn’t want to be there and that she’s a terrible person. I doubt that’ll stick. She wants to change and she needs her mother to act like a mother. GOOD LUCK WITH THAT. 

Next week on TEEN MOM: Butch…BUTCH, ARE YOU THERE?