Recap THIS

NBC Upfront Recap; Or: What NBC is Airing Next Fall

Wed, 23 May 2012 15:12:00 -0500

NBC makes me so sad. I have a real soft spot in my heart for the network. It was one of my first loves. I dreamed of running it one day. Now it might as well play static all night, every night.

Sunday:

6:00-7:15 (uh, nice scheduling)- Football Night in America

This sounds about as terrible as it gets. (Until I get to the rest of their programming.)

8:15-10:30- Sunday Night Football

I’d rather be dead

Monday:

7:00 (until 9:00. TWO HOURS.)- The Voice

I actually enjoy the first few weeks of this show. I like to see ugly people getting their shot at stardom, only to later be paired up against prettier people so they can get kicked off. I stop watching midway through the battle nonsense.

9:00- The Revolution

I was sure this was a show about fatties, running in slow motion to lose weight. It’s not. It’s JJ Abrams new project about a post-apocolypic blah blah blah. How many times is he going to do this? I love Andrea Roth from Rescue Me, but I don’t think this is going to work [for me or for anyone else].

Tuesday:

7:00- The Voice

Because they couldn’t find an hours worth of programming anywhere within the 2000 pilot scripts they read. That makes sense.

8:00- Go On

I love Matthew Perry and I’ll give everything he does a chance.

8:30- The New Normal

I hate Ryan Murphy. Remember when he created Nip/Tuck and that first season was watchable and then all hell broke lose and it became impossible to watch? And then remember when he created Glee and let his music department steal whatever they wanted from other artists? Well, now he has a show about some gays and some surrogates and Ellen Barkin. The promo photo has two pregnant dudes. I’m sure they’ll actually be pregnant and then the demon babies will come out with hooks or flippers and kill everyone, except Ellen Barkin (only because she’s a ghost). If that’s not the premise then I believe I just pitched a new show.

9:00- Parenthood

Wasn’t this canceled years ago? No? What a strange, discombobulated night of television. It’s like they threw darts at a board to pick where shows would land.

Wednesday:

7:00- Animal Practice

“House” for vets. The promo has a monkey. Remember Marcel on Friends? THAT DIDN’T WORK OUT WELL. No thanks.

7:30- Guys with Kids

It is exactly as the title says. Also, Vanessa Huxtable is in it.

8:00- Law & Order: SVU

I’m fairly sure this is the only thing that keeps NBC from turning their lights off for good.

9:00- Chicago Fire

I love Dick Wolf. I love shows set in Chicago. I THINK I WILL LOVE THIS. (It will probably be canceled 2 weeks in.)

Thursday:

7:00- 30 Rock

Hasn’t been good since a few episodes into season 3. I still watch it with such hope.

7:30- Up All Night

One of my least favorite new shows of last season. Congratulations for keeping it around, NBC.

8:00- The Office

“Is that still on?”- The Entire World

8:30- Parks and Rec

For the life of me I will never understand why people love this show. If there is anything I hate in a comedy it’s when they try too hard to be quirky. I’d rather watch a multi-camera CBS sitcom that a sitcom that tries too hard.

9:00- Rock Center with Brian Williams

It makes me die inside a little knowing that the 9/10 Thursday night slot is filled with this show. (Hill Street Blues, LA Law, ER. It’s a fairly sacred time slot to just destroy with this.)

Friday:

7:00- Whitney

I DON’T UNDERSTAND AND I WON’T RESPOND TO THIS

7:30- Community

See: Parks & Rec

8:00- Grimm

You know what there aren’t enough of? Shows about fairytales.

9:00- Dateline

Saturday:

Encore programming

This is the only part of NBC’s schedule that I like. Remember when they gave shows a chance? That was because of encore programming not because they aired 12 seasons a year of fat people trying to lose weight for ~~their health~~ money.

CBS Upfront Update: HERE IS WHAT CBS' 2012/2013 SCHEDULE LOOKS LIKE (And What I Have to Say About It)

Thu, 17 May 2012 12:44:59 -0500

Here’s CBS’ schedule. I keep looking at it to make sure Unforgettable doesn’t mysteriously reappear. There was nothing better than having Jane Curtin on the television every week.

Sunday:

6:00- 60 Minutes

This will actually start at 7:17 every Sunday during football season

7:00- The Amazing Race

snooze

8:00- The Good Wife

What a bummer they moved this to Sunday. It’s always screwed up because of stupid football. Hey sports (that don’t involve Derrick Rose), play ONLY ON ESPN. No one wants you ruining normal television.

9:00- The Mentalist

My mom watches this. She’s the only person I know.

Monday:

7:00- How I Met Your Mother

There are very few things I hate more than a CBS sitcom

7:30- Partners (NEW SHOW)

This appears to be Will & Grace, if Grace were a straight man. It’s sure to be terrible.

8:00- 2 Broke Girls

I don’t even want to talk about this show, but I will. Why is it on? Why do people watch it? Why was it renewed? Why is Kat Denning an actress? There are too many questions about this show. I HATE YOU, AMERICA.

8:30- Mike & Molly

Melissa McCarthy aside, I hate shows about poor people.

9:00- Hawaii Five-0

Scott Caan should stick his chest out more. It makes us all forget he’s 5’2. YOU WILL NEVER BE YOUR FATHER. You’ve ruined the good Caan name.

Tuesday:

7:00- NCIS

How is this a 7:00pm show? Mark Harmon is one of my original silver foxes. And I’ll admit to watching this show for years. (I went through a being an old lady period.) I don’t watch anymore.

8:00- NCIS: Los Angeles

No. Cool it.

9:00- Vegas (NEW SHOW)

This is the ACTUAL PREMISE THAT THEY HAVE TOLD TO THE WORLD: ”The drama is set in the 1960s and will follow the true story of Ralph Lamb – a cowboy who became Sheriff of Las Vegas.” Uh, they probably should have just said: “this is a show about Vegas. Just trust us.” So it’s Mad Men, in Vegas, with Sheriffs and cowboys? (It’s not Mad Men.)

Wednesday:

7:00- Survivor

GO AWAY NOW.

8:00- Criminal Minds

I haven’t watched last night’s finale (because, frankly, I haven’t loved this season), but I do know we lose Prentiss AGAIN. I’m sick of mourning for her.

9:00- CSI

I guess they’re still making this

Thursday:

7:00- Big Bang Theory

In this history of sitcoms I have never hated one so much as I hate this one. Unless you count…

7:30- Two and a Half Men

This one. What a bangup hour of crap they’re putting on the air on Thursday nights. Yet so many of you watch these two shows. You are all dead to me.

8:00- Person of Interest

This is one of my favorite dramas. I think it’s well written, I love the cast. I love everyone’s relationship on the show. Frankly it’s too smart for network television [and I’m surprised the majority of you can follow it], but if it’s working then I won’t complain.

9:00- Elementary (NEW SHOW)

Uh, Sherlock Holmes in the modern day? (I’ll secretly probably watch because I love crime. Both committing it and watching it.)

Friday:

7:00- CSI: NY

Obviously putting this one out back to die alone

8:00- Made in Jersey

ADA Alex Cabot has a new show! It was apparently originally called BABY BIG SHOT. Uh, nice work not making people say that out loud. It kind of seems like USA’s Suits, but with broads. I WILL WATCH THIS FOR SURE AND THEN I WILL CRY WHEN IT’S CANCELED BECAUSE THEY PUT IT ON FRIDAYS AND FORGOT TO CHECK DVR RATINGS.

9:00- Blue Bloods

Mustaches.

Saturday:

Just a night of horrific real life crime shows.

ABC Upfronts Update- HERE IS ABC'S FALL LINE-UP FOR 2012/2013 (And My Notes)

Thu, 17 May 2012 10:40:00 -0500

The most important part of this is that REVENGE moves to Sunday nights

Sunday:

6:00- America’s Funniest Home Videos

How is this still a thing?

7:00- Once Upon a Time

How was this EVER a thing? I think Ginnifer Goodwin had the chance of having Meg Ryan’s pre-facial work career. I think this show blew that chance for her.

8:00- Revenge

I am a tried and true fan of a good drama on Sunday night. I still miss Grey’s Anatomy Sundays so I’m happy about this. That said, I hope that football doesn’t screw up it’s ratings since Hollywood still doesn’t seem to know DVRs exist.

9:00- 666 Park Ave (NEW SHOW)

I was really excited when I read the name because I thought it was a show about rich people doing rich things, but a couple of things: 1. Vanessa Williams is in it. No thank you. 2. The word “supernatural” is used to describe it. NO THANK YOU. John Locke is also in it (I hope as John Locke), but still…no thank you.

Monday:

7:00- Dancing with the Stars

I’d rather be dead

9:00- Castle

What am I, my mother?

This is one of the worst nights of television ever. It’s like ABC is NBC on Mondays

Tuesday:

7:00- Dancing with the Stars results

This makes sense. Put this crap on twice.

7:30- Happy Endings

One of the most inconsistent comedies ever. It’s the funniest show on TV one week and painful to watch the next. Damon Wayans Jr. got the bunk end of the stick when he had to leave The New Girl for this

8:00- Don’t Trust the B In Apartment 23

How was this picked up? It’s so excruciatingly unfunny that it makes me angry.

9:00- Private Practice

What?

**Note: In January two new shows premiere. How to Live with Your Parents For the Rest of Your Life. Elizabeth Perkins is in this so I’m obviously giving it a chance. And The Family Tools which seems way too working class for me.

Wednesday:

7:00- The Middle

I don’t watch this and I won’t respond to it.

7:30- Suburgatory

I actually kind of love this show. Cheryl Hines is the best. Allie Grant is amazing.

8:00- Modern Family

I know it’s kind of uncool to like network comedies that aren’t Community (which I loathe) or Parks and Rec (which I loathe), but I don’t even care. This show is consistently brilliant. It’s funny and it has more heart than almost anything in the history of television.

8:30- The Neighbors (NEW SHOW)

Anything that is described as “alien comedy” is not something I’ll be watching. I think Jami Gertz is a funny broad though.

9:00- Nashville (NEW SHOW)

I don’t know if my love of Connie Britton can outweigh my dislike of Hayden Panettiere. It’s about a Nashville star or some such. Ugh. I’ll probably end up watching it and hating myself.

Thursday:

7:00- Last Resort (NEW SHOW)

“Set in the future”, “submarines”. Uh, I think based on all that I’ll pass. Really? Submarines? The future?

8:00- Grey’s Anatomy

I am going to be really pissed off if they kill off Lexie tonight. I still love all these jerks and their annoying Shonda Rhimes dialogue.

9:00- Scandal

OK, Internet, I made fun of this show for months. Then one day watched the pilot on demand. 6 hours later I had caught up and it had quickly become my favorite network show along with Revenge. I CANNOT WAIT FOR THE FINALE TONIGHT. I cannot wait for the premiere next fall. I LOVE IT. I’m hooked. I am so glad Shonda Rhimes wrote some more stuttery, annoying dialogue.

Friday:

7:00- Shark Tank

One of my favorite family rituals at my house is to watch Shark Tank late Saturday afternoon/early evening. I love this nonsense. I love Robert. I love Mr. Wonderful. I love Mark Cuban. I think Barbara Corcoran is dead weight and I like when Lori, the QVC broad, is in for her. BRING BACK LORI FULL TIME, ABC. Barbara is always out before the person even introduces the product UNLESS it’s a food product or the dumbest idea you’ve ever heard of in your life.

8:00- Primetime

Who cares?

9:00- 20/20

I just liked when Barbara Walters said 20/20.

**Note: In November things shift on Fridays. Shark Tank moves later, 20/20 disappears and two shows are given a Friday death sentence. Last Man Standing. That’s that Tim Allen nonsense. No. And a new show called Malibu Country. That’s with Reba McEntire (NO!) and the amazing Lily Tomlin. I’m sorry that you said yes to this, Lily Tomlin

Revenge: Grief; Or: Marley & Me Part 2

Wed, 16 May 2012 22:08:39 -0500

So much revenging has happened since last I recapped. Also, Victoria had that weird affair with the man who was the love of her life who wasn’t the man who was the other love of her life.

Emily does some digging and crying at the beginning of the show. Cut to 36 hours earlier. She’s watching yet another video of her dad making a video for her. I did not know they let you have video cameras in prison. Good to know.

She announces that she will not forgive even when the man who is responsible for her dad’s death lies dead at her feet. YES! She’s set to revenge the hell out of someone tonight.

Daniel and Conrad do some businessman stuff. Daniel is cute, but I don’t think he grasps any of the businessman stuff. He doesn’t look too bright. Emily spies on their businessman stuff from her nanny cam.

While Nolan and Emily chitchat on the phone Emily sees a man come into Conrad’s office. Turns out it’s that jackass guard who killed her dad. In other news, Nolan is totally gay for dolphins.

I was just told the White Haired Man™ is Bill from 24, the director of CTU. (I did not watch 24.)

Emily and Daniel wake up the next morning in their weird old-timey iron white iron bed. It’s like they’re on the prairie and not the Hamptons. Emily “goes for a run.” She actually gets her [other] spy cam ready to do some recording.

Victoria and her child forehead hide some documents in a safe that needs a thumbprint. She and Charlotte discuss some fairly boring stuff until a molester comes in. It’s Charlotte’s therapist. That was terrible casting. Unless he’s going to molest her next season.

Victoria meets with an agent to ask why her husband isn’t in jail now that she’s given them evidence and where to look for more.

Elsewhere, Daniel meets with Jack to bribe him to keep his mouth shut.

I can’t concentrate on what’s happening because it’s obvious Sammy the dog is about to die. I AM NOT OK WITH THIS TURN OF EVENTS. I know Sammy is pushing 40, but I CAN’T HANDLE ANIMALS DYING.

Victoria wanders into their New York City apartment. Conrad says he knows that Victoria was the one who sent the SEC after him. She denies it. Then that slut Lydia appears.

Declan brings some new rich girl home to the bar where he lives to do some homework. He’s a pouty Sue about Charlotte. Get a life, townie.

Emily and Nolan meet to discuss sending an anonymous email with a video of her and Daniel sleeping so Conrad will think the White Haired Man™ is spying on them. She’s SO GOOD at this.

Emily watches as Conrad gets the video. Good thing he is right at his desk and doesn’t get it on his Blackberry or something. Conrad immediately calls the White Haired Man™ and sets a meeting. Sadly, Emily cannot make it because Daniel has her doing some wedding nonsense when she should be revenging. Luckily Nolan has nothing to do so he goes.

Victoria heads back to the NYC apartment and scares Lydia a little and then rips apart the forged de Kooning painting because that’s where some evidence that could bring down Conrad is stashed.

Conrad and the White Haired Man™ are meeting in Brooklyn so Conrad can threaten to expose him. This is definitely Conrad’s first time in Brooklyn.

Daniel gets mad because Emily is constantly texting while they’re doing their wedding planning. SHE’S BUSY, DANIEL.

Jack can’t find Sammy.

Emily grabs her gun and goes to the address Nolan followed the the White Haired Man™ to. He’s in for some trouble.

Some really dramatic music plays with Emily supposedly knocks on his door. He grabs his gun, but it turns out it’s Nolan pretending to be the cable man. The address Nolan gave Emily was to Carol’s (Nolan’s aunts) house. Meanwhile, Nolan pretends to work on the White Haired Man’s™ cable. Then the White Haired Man™ gets all creepy and asks for his card. Uh, he’s the cable guy not the Vice President of Sales.

Back in Manhattan, Lydia is crying like a woman and tells Conrad that Victoria had been there to rip up his painting. Apparently he didn’t see the GIANT RIPPED UP PAINTING ON HIS MAIN WALL WHEN HE WALKED IN.

Emily finds Sammy on her porch. THIS IS THE WORST EPISODE OF TELEVISION I’VE EVER SEEN. I WANT TO DIE. THIS IS HORRIBLE AND I HATE THIS SHOW SO MUCH. THEY SHOULD HAVE MADE THIS DOG A ZOMBIE SO I DIDN’T HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS DEATH.

Victoria, Daniel and Charlotte are all sitting around with the molester Charlotte’s therapist. Then Conrad comes in and they play a really fun game called I Like/I Need. Conrad and Victoria are really good at it. Charlotte decides she’s leaving the house. Uh, who cares?

Jack and Emily sit Sammy in front of a fire at her house so he can die AND I NEVER WANT TO WATCH THIS SHOW AGAIN. THIS IS HORRIBLE. (I could watch 45 real life humans die in front of me, but I CANNOT TAKE THE DEATH OF ONE SINGLE TELEVISION DOG.) Jack thanks Sammy for all the things he’s taught him. It’s really sweet and I love Jack more. I ALSO AM GOING TO KILL MYSELF NOW.

Just as that new girl is changing out of her wet clothes in Declan’s bathroom Charlotte wanders in and apologizes to him. The two girls get into a fight about who is trashier or something. Are two broads really going to fight over this douche?

Victoria tells Daniel that his father is guilty of some pretty bad crimes. Daniel sides with Conrad. He says if she goes through with destroying Conrad then she’s dead to him.

Sammy dies. I WANT EMILY TO TELL HIM SHE’S AMANDA. They kiss! It’s about time, you two. That bitch Brit is spying and sees it.

Back to the beginning of the show. Emily and Jack dig a hole to bury Sammy. THIS IS THE WORST. He tells him that he always thought Amanda would be there with him burying Sammy. SURPRISE! SHE IS!

Charlotte meets some black dude for drugs. I hope hope she dies.

Victoria tells Daniel that she’s going to keep Conrad safe. She hands over all of the evidence to Daniel and gives him the choice as to what to do with it. Daniel immediately calls Conrad and tells him the plan worked and he got the evidence. Luckily Victoria was listening AND Emily was listening via one of her nanny cams.

Nolan calls Emily. She thanks for helping her see the light at the end of the tunnel by not letting her go to the White Haired Man’s™ house. Then Daniel comes over and she apologizes for the wedding stuff. She also knows all that evidence is in his businessman briefcase. Someone will obviously be stealing all that later.

Back at Nolan’s house, he watches the White Haired Man™ and realizes his video is on a delay. GUESS WHO IS BEHIND YOU, NOLAN? THE WHITE HAIRED MAN™, BITCH.

I love this show. PLEASE STOP KILLING DOGS.

Addendum To My Post About GIRLS

Tue, 17 Apr 2012 21:05:45 -0500

This is an addendum [for the people who are literally TOO DUMB TO BE ON THE INTERNET]: Please stop reblogging my post regarding GIRLS. While I DO actually think the majority of people shouldn’t be allowed to vote or drive (certainly the fool whose father called me “The Christian Right”), this blog has always been written in a tone not ALWAYS MEANT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY. Jesus! (I am not saying our Lord and Savior’s name to rejoice him here. It’s more of an “in vain” kind of thing. [Just spelling everything out since, again, so many of you are too dumb to be on the internet])

There is no need to discuss this blog with your father or your feminist friends. It’s a television blog, talking about a television show that deserves absolutely none of the praise it’s getting.

HBO's GIRLS: An Essay

Tue, 17 Apr 2012 09:56:00 -0500

Attention Ladies. I have some stuff to say about HBO’s new show GIRLS. First, it sucks. It’s horrible. It’s painful to watch and I hate it. Second, why are we, as ladies, so gungho about this dreck? Half of my lady friends on Facebook are so excited, as though this is the first thing a woman has ever put to paper. “A show created by a woman!” “Finally! A show about real women!” “Women can be funny, too!” Is no one even taking into consideration that this show isn’t funny? It’s also shot in that trendy, ironic way that people in Brooklyn tend to go for these days. It looks like crap. If this is the best we can do then I’m done being a lady. BUT THIS IS NOT THE BEST WE CAN DO. I’m no feminist. In fact, for the most part, I think women shouldn’t be allowed to drive or vote. But what I AM is a television ~~watcher~~ lover. We should be praising shows on merit, not just because a woman was finally thrown a bone and allowed to make a television show. (Especially when it’s a woman who shouldn’t have even been thrown a bone in the first place.) If this is the best women have to offer then maybe the boy’s club of television creation should remain intact. How will this show hold up to The Sopranos? The West Wing? Arrested Development? Friday Night Lights? It won’t. It won’t be even a footnote in the story of television. So let’s get behind shows that deserve success. Let’s talk about the Terriers. Let’s talk about the Freaks & Geeks. Let’s talk about the Sports Nights. The shows that deserved an audience and didn’t get one. This show doesn’t deserve an audience. It doesn’t deserve every 25-year-old woman in Silverlake (I mean the ones who don’t proclaim, “I don’t even own a television” as though that is something to be proud of.) and Park Slope treating it as the second coming of Christ. It. Is. Not. Even. Good. When Nicole Holofcener creates a show, then we’ll have something to talk about, ladies. Until then, jump off the bandwagon (this week it’s Girls. Last week it was Kony. The week before, Occupy Wallstreet) and have a mind of your own. Realize that this show sucks. We can do better than this.

Pretty Little Liars: unmAsked; Or: What a Terrible Title, Or: The Unedited Recap Written By My Mom

Sat, 24 Mar 2012 09:21:00 -0500

Here is my mom’s unedited recap of the season finale of PRETTY LITTLE LIARS. Please note that she emailed it to me in the middle of the night so it is sure to be filled with errors. I AM TOO LAZY TO EDIT. (I’m also very busy and important.)

The night we’ve all been waiting for is finally here. Normally I recap as I’m watching but I decided to watch the entire episode first this time. As promised “A” is revealed or maybe just the tip of the “A” iceberg. I’m still confused about that. For me “A” was a disappointment because it turned out to be the person I thought it was all alone. Sure every week a few people(okay almost everyone) looked guilty and I had my list like everyone else but for me this person was always #1. She wasn’t on every episode but showed up just enough to make you say “What was the point of —— being in that scene? To me up until the last few episodes her placement always seemed so contrived that I felt she had to be “A.” She always wore her motive on her sleeve. I love Ezra and Aria together but having him be “A” would have been explosive for me. It’s a doomed relationship. We know they can’t go the long haul. Is he going to go to college with her? Maybe he can be the “house mother” for her sorority. Lets face it he could go to the big house for statutory rape. We don’t know his back story so it really could have worked. That’s the way I would have gone but no one’s paying me the big bucks to write the story. So here goes how the big reveal unfolded.

We open with the PLL’s watching the news about Garrett being arrested for Allison’s murder. Spencer tells the girls her mother is friends with the prosecutor and she was told Jenna turned in page five from the autopsy report. Aria wants to know if they can finally put Allison to rest and Hanna says or is it two down two to go. She points out that Ian is dead, Garrett’s in jail but Melissa and Jenna were in Allison room that night too. She says they may not have killed Ali but they are defiantly guilty of something. In walks Melissa she looks up at the picture of Garrett on the TV and says “love gone wrong.” Duh, you think? Who’s your daddy? Dead man maybe walking or cop gone bad. She says she knew Ian didn’t kill Allison and that the four PLL’s don’t have the constitution for murder. What a loving endorsement for you only sister (that we know of). She tells them she knows how Jenna went blind and so does Garrett and if Garrett killed her she probably deserved it. All the while licking her chops while eating Aria’s frozen toffee yogurt. She is one cold hearted dead inside bitch. For her baby’s sake I hope someone kidnaps it from the hospital. If she raises that baby the world can look forward to another three named serial killers, it’s always mommy issues. This might be a good time to say the entire episode has a Hitchcock, Psycho feeling, and it goes without saying you need the night vision glasses the entire episode. Creepy Melissa leaves and the PLL’s all get a text—“You still have something that belongs to me. Bring it, or one of you leaves in a body bag.-A” They think “A” is referring to the phone. The doorbells rings Spencer comes back with an envelope with invitations to a masquerade ball. It’s for tomorrow night—short notice-very poor etiquette. We now know “A” is not Martha Stewart, all thought she could have lost some of those upper crust manners during her unfortunate time in sing sing. ”A” has also added a message to the invitation—Be there when the clock strikes midnight-A.

The PLL’s have moved there talking to the school yard, I doubt they will go inside. Spencer has the bag and tells the others they need to go through it again before they give it back to “A”. She is sure they have missed something. They are about to agree on where to meet when Mona comes up and Aria changes the conversation to costumes for the ball. Mona says she also got an invitation and says they should all go shopping together for their costumes. They all make up lies for why they can’t go with her. They are pretty bad little liars. Mona is not pleased. As expected—no classes- Next we find the PLL’s in Ezra’s apartment to go through the bag one more time. Hanna gets a text from Mona, it’s a picture of Caleb and Mona. “I see a Caleb. But where’s Hanna? Now Mona knows for sure Hanna was lying to her. Hanna is rolling around on Ezra’s couch and Aria tells her it is “sacred ground.” Everyone is surprised and happy for Aria. It’s a hallmark moment for sure. Nothing says happiness like a secret that can send someone to jail. After all the congrats for having sex with a person soon to have to register as a sex offender they are back to business. Spencer finds a pen with “Dougherty’s Landing” on it. It’s an airstrip off Highway 30. From that and google they find a no tell motel near by and realize it is the picture on the half postcard they found. Off they go to the Lost Woods Resort. It’s a lovely place, resort is a stretch for sure. Here’s where Psycho kicks in. The manager, we’ll just call him Norman, tells the girls it’s the place people come when they don’t want to be found. They think Allison may have stayed in room one because one was on the back of the postcard. They asked Norman if they can stay in room one he wants to know how they know about room one. They say they don’t know what he is talking about so he also plays dumb and says it’s the room with the hottest water. Is that the best you’ve got “Norman”? Spencer asks him if Vivian Darkbloom ever stayed there. He says no but looks like he might also be a liar. Of course it’s raining and the dead of night, who knows where their parents think they are or if they have even noticed they are gone. Don’t get me started on that. On the way to the room Hanna trips and falls in the mud, for such a pretty girl she is not very graceful. They look around the room but don’t find anything. Spencer says they need to go back to the front desk and get the registration book. She thinks “Norman” has left the office, Aria draws the short straw and off she and Spencer go. Hanna decides she needs to get the mud off her so she takes a shower. The mud dripping looks like the blood in psycho. Emily gets a call from Maya, but it drops because they are in no mans land or she has AT&T. Emily leaves the room to try to find a signal. Hanna is now alone in the shower at the “Bates Motel”. Back at the front desk Spencer and Aria see that Allison checked in as Vivian on the day before she “went missing.” While Emily is outside we see someone run behind her then we see someone standing behind Hanna while she is in the shower. We can’t see who it is but can tell she is about the same size as Hanna and is wearing the hoodie “A” loves to wear. The phone rings and the person leaves. Hanna gets out of the shower to find she is alone in the scariest place ever. Thumbs up to the wardrobe people. Hanna has never looked better. The towel is draped with just the right amount of cleavage and it looks like in her panic to get out of the shower she was able to oil her body and put of a touch of makeup. The girls must have spent the night at the “Bates Motel” because it is now light outside. Spencer has the registration book in the room with them. You would think “Norman” would have noticed it was missing. “A” is in the room next door spying on the girls. A picture was covering a hold in the wall from room 2 to a peep hole in room 1. Clever “A”. Spencer returns the registration book and the girls are hot to get out of their before “Norman” realizes they had his book.

Back in Rosewood Spencer goes to visit Toby hoping he will forgive her. He gives her the cold shoulder so she leaves. After she leavesToby gets a call from Dr. Sullivan. Where has she been hiding? Jenna while still pretending to be blind is driving, I guess she thinks everyone else is blind. She meets in the woods with someone wearing black. I think we are to think it is “A”, but as I said earlier I watched the show before writing so I am 99.9% sure this is not “A”. This person she is meeting is much bigger than she is and if I had to guess I would say it is a man. She gives this person something, I can’t tell what it is and tells him “they are all going to be at the party, you know what you need to do.” I’m not sure how she knows they are all going to be at the party unless she was the person watching and listening to them from room 2. This is a bit confusing as Jenna is not the person reveled as “A”.

It’s show time! The PLL’s all arrive together. They say it is a perfect place for “A” to hide. Spencer said Melissa was curled up on the couch in her pj’s when she left. Emily says they have three hours to find out who “A” is before “A” finds us. They are all dateless and agree to look around, Aria says keep your phones close and meet back in an hour. Caleb surprises Hanna by showing up. He tells her Mona planned the surprise. Hanna hugs Mona tells her she loves her and there will be no more secrets. Next Spencer has a moment with Mona. She tells her she doesn’t know why she pretends to be a bitch when she is really such a good friend to Hanna. Mona tells Spencer thanks to Allison she went years without any friends. She also tells Spencer she last saw Ali at a vintage shop in Brookhaven. She says Allison was in a dark wig and said she was watching someone. Spencer tells Mona she thinks Allison was watching “A” not “A” watching Allison. Mona says she didn’t get the “A” handbook. Spencer tells her Allison must have followed “A” to the no tell motel. Ezra surprises Aria by showing up at the ball. They kiss, they dance the go public. It’s a very sweet jail bait moment. I have to say I love them together but wake up and smell the dead bodies. It’s not going to last. Meanwhile, Spencer is putting it all together(except for one important part) and headed back to the motel. She calls Emily to give her the heads up abut where she is. She realizes there were keys to all the rooms except room 2, she says that room 2 has been rented all this time and that Ali was in room 1 because she was spying on “A”. Emily says you can’t go alone and she says not to worry I’m with Mona. Any one getting chills? While Spencer has tea with “Norman” Mona is to gets the key to room 2. How? you ask because didn’t Spencer say there wasn’t a key to room 2? Spencer seems to have forgotten that. Mona shows up with the key and off they go to room 2. Chills now? The room is a shrine devoted to Allison’s murder and investigation and also to Spencer, Aria, Emily and Hanna. There are photographs, costumes, dolls all kinds of creepy things. Spencer and Mona find a drawings of the costume Spencer assumes “A” would be wearing to the ball. It’s the black swan. Mona says she’ll call Hanna to inform them to be on the look out for someone in a black swan costume. Spencer finds Allison’s diary in the room and finds a spearmint gum wrapper as a bookmark. Now here’s the light bulb moment for Spencer—-Mona had just offered Spencer a piece of the same gum. Spencer tells Mona she would like a piece of the gum and Mona says she will have to go to the car for more. She picks up a bag full of Cashmere sweaters and that confirms its. We all know how much Mona loves cashmere. You can see that Spencer knows she is trapped with “A”. When Mona goes back from the car Spencer has her back to her and says “you didn’t call Hanna did you, because you’re “A”? Spencer turns around to find Mona dressed in the black hoodie “A” loves. Mona says congratulations you figured it out then she knocks Spencer out puts her in the car an speeds off. While this is going on Paige, dressed like a man is at the ball telling Emily she is sorry about trying to kiss her but that she does think they have a connection. Emily tells her she just needs a friend right now. Spencer comes back to life she sets her phone on video and calls Hanna so they can hear what is going on. Mona is driving like a Danica Patrick and talking crazy. She tells Spencer you have to earn the right to be a part of it.She says we’re in this together now. She tells Spencer she now has a choice. She says you can join the “A” team or you can disappear. Mona says her motivation was never Allison but Hanna’s betrayal. Is Mona crazy or is she working with a group of people? The black swam was at the ball with Lucas and Jenna. Spencer realizes they are headed to Lookout point so she tells Mona to slow down or they will never make it to lookout point. Even smart under pressure. Now the other little liars know where to go. Spencer ask why all the creepy texts and threats? ”You bitches took Hanna away from me.” “It’s all about revenge…you stole my only friend”. Spencer asks what happens if I don’t join the team? Mona say Melissa doesn’t have your father’s gun…I do. Somehow Spencer jumps out of the car, Mona chases after her at the same time the other PLL’s arrive. Hanna stops just short of running over Mona. There’s a struggle at Lookout point and Mona falls over the cliff. I guess the PLL’s called the police because they show up along with an ambulance and Dr. Sullivan. Dr. Sullivan says “A” treated her son so she had to leave. The bad news is Mona is alive. Down in the cliff Mona’s watch starts beeping and she blinks like she is coming out of a trance or something. I am thinking maybe she has been hypnotized and certain words or sounds put her under and take her out. Dr. Sullivan says Mona has a psychological disorder combined with her very high IQ makes her all-knowing and omnipresent. While Dr. Sullivan is explaining Mona’s disorder she is bundled in a blanket having crazy thoughts about her lipstick and saying “they think it’s over, loser Mona is going to the nut house and the precious liar are going home to sleep with their windows open and their door unlocked. Don’t they know thats what we want?” As they are leaving the hospital Dr. Sullivan tells Spencer Toby convinced her to come back. Toby is waiting outside for Spencer, he tells her pretending not to love you was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It’s on again for those two.

The girls decide to all spend the night at Emily’s. As they are walking toward her house police cars and an ambulance rush by. They are headed to Emily’s house. Emily’s mom meets her outside and says they found a body inside. Her mom says they think it’s Maya. This never ending heartache for Emily has got to stop. As the body is being carried out we see Melissa standing in the crowd. As if we haven’t already had enough drama—cut to the psycho ward. A nurse tells Mona she has a visitor. It’s someone in a red coat that from the back looks like it could be Vivian Darkbloom. Mona says “I’ve done everything you asked me to do.”

What a night. We did learn a few things but so many questions came out of the reveal. It seems clear that “A” is a group. Hence the “join team “A” or disappear. Why reveal Mona and not the others? Who was the person Jenna meet with and what did she give him? Did Dr. Sullivan seem a bit creepy in a nice way or was it just me? What about Lucas, always an odd duck. We can’t forget about the N.A.T. club. My head is spinning, I might need to join Mona in the cuckoo’s nest or at least take a zanax.

Until June—Got a secret, can you keep it?

Pretty Little Liars: If These Dolls Could Talk; Or: My Mom's Weekly Foray Into Being 14

Wed, 14 Mar 2012 14:45:00 -0500

Here is my mom’s unedited recap of this week’s PRETTY LITTLE LIARS. I am really busy at work so I didn’t have time to edit her work. (And she writes it while two dogs lay on top of her so it’s safe to say there are errors.)

As the writers like to remind us “the race is on to find “A” and everyone is a suspect.” No shit, Sherlock and I’m sure you’ll just add more to the list tonight. I’m hoping for some real answers tonight and not just more smoke and mirrors. So here goes——

My hopes and dreams of getting answers are crushed in the opening scene. More questions right off the bat. We open with Spencer asleep on the couch while Allison is rummaging through the bag Jason gave Spencer. Spencer wakes up and Allison tells her not to scream that she just needs something from the bag. She tells Spencer she should have told her about Jason that things would have been different. She also gets in a Melissa dig saying she and Spencer are practically sisters and that Spencer deserves a decent sister. I’m pretty sure Melissa nor Allison qualify for decent sister of the year. Allison sees the pain meds Spencer has and says she will take a few for the road. That’s my girl you never know when you might need to self medicate dead or alive. Spencer tells Ali about Duncan telling Aria about flying her home labor day weekend. Allison says Duncan talks too much. Ali says she’s glad they haven’t given up and now that they have the bag….. Spencer wants to know what she should be looking for but Allison says she can’t tell. She does say “don’t get hung up on the details and miss what’s parked right in front of you.” Ali tells Spencer she misses her and touches her hair in that flirty way Ali has. For a minute I think she is going to kiss Spencer like she kissed Emily when she appeared to her earlier in the season. She tells Spencer they are getting warmer and that it is not a game. She says this is some seriously messed up stuff. DUH, you think? Now we don’t know if it was a drugged induced dream or if Allison is really alive. Was the body they found really Allison or maybe her twin? If it’s really Allison wouldn’t she be more helpful? A door closes upstairs, Spencer hides the bag under the couch. The next thing we know it’s morning, Spencer is asleep on the couch and Melissa is calling her name. Melissa says it’s freezing down here was that door open all night? Melissa closes the door while you can almost see the wheels tuning in Spencer’s head. Out of all of it there is only one thing I am sure of. When Ali or the ghost of Ali was talking to Spencer the door was indeed closed. Can’t ghosts walk through walls and doors? Someone REAL opened that door. I’m beginning to think J.J. Abrams might have a hand in this show. I spent years lost in “lost” now I’m back where I started with Alcatraz, I don’t need PLL’s to be so much work. If Allison is alive why have we spent 2 years looking for the one armed man?

Spencer and Emily are sitting in Spencer’s car going over the visit from Allison. Emily says it had to be a dream or a reaction to the medication Spencer is taking. Spencer is sure it was real she said she could still smell her cream raise after she left. I say it that’s true dead girl walking might need to cut down of the hair products. After making Spencer feel like a crazy person Emily decides to come clean about the time Ali visited her in the barn. Who’s crazy now? She does leave out the part about Allison telling her she aways liked her best and then kissing her. She said at the time is seemed real but that she thinks “Ali is holding our brains hostage.” Emily gets a text from Maya saying “Thanks for telling my parents. Thought I could trust you. Whose side are you on, Emily? Poor Emily, girl can’t win no matter what she does. Maybe she should make a quick trip the nail salon, her shellac nails are perfect except for the part thats growing out. I love the blue but the dark color really shows the grow out.

Cut to the Marin kitchen, no food just talk. Ashley asked Hanna if she has heard anything more about the fire at Jason’s house. Hanna plays dumb—not a stretch for her. And speaking of how dumb Hanna is she doesn’t have her phone on silence while talking with her mother. You guessed it—her purse is ringing and Ashley has forbidden Hanna to have a phone until she stops with all the secrets. Ashley answers it, it’s Caleb she says Hanna doesn’t have a phone and then hangs up on him. Call me Caleb, I would never hang up on you. Hanna tells her mom Mona had an extra phone and gave it to her. She says they need to be in contact at all times. Ashley makes a few smart ass remarks which were pretty funny then Mona stops by to pick Hanna up for school, better known as hall working and courtyard snacking. Ashley gives the phone back to Mona, saying no more using phones. Mona sucks up to Ashley a bit and off the girls go.

Aria must have the day off from hall walking and courtyard snacking because she has just stopped by Ezra’s office with coffee for two. I’m pretty sure Ezra lives in his office and also that he doesn’t really teach any classes. The coffee is to celebrate Ezra turning down the job Byron got for him. I find it a bit ironic Aria is not old enough to drink but is old enough to date her ex teacher. Ezra tells Aria the dean is not happy about Ezra turning down the job and that he is afraid there may be some fall out from it. Aria says not to worry, easy for her to say she’s 12 and living at home what does she know about needing a job and money? Ezra can’t live in that office forever. All she wants to do is kiss while he is thinking what If he loses his job where will he get the money for necessities like a home, food, porn, the occasional lap dance and hookers.

Jenna takes her pirate patch off in front of Toby saying she wants his face to the first face she sees. REALLY? Those two are starting to act like a couple again. It is too creepy for me. She cries, Toby says how sorry he is. I think the bitch can see, but what do I know? Finally all the PLL’s have shown up at school. It happens to be courtyard snack time 101. They are so lucky to attend such a new age school. Spencer is excited to tell the other liars she found classified ads between Allison and “A”. The last one was for Allison and “A” to meet Labor Day weekend on Spruce Street. It’s the street the creepy doll hospital is on. Toby leads Jenna to the PLL’s so she can talk to them. She tells them when she woke up this morning she could see clearly but not with her eye. She says the operation didn’t work but she now knows that people can change and that she is sorry for everything. Emily wants to know what everything is. Jenna says for hating them. She says they all need to move on and that she is not the one they need to fear. She pulls out her walking stick and leaves. I still think she can see! Emily is not buying it she still thinking Jenna is involved. They decide to go back to the doll hospital to look for answers. Back in the hall Mona is showing Hanna a text she got from “A”. It says “break up Hanna and her hottie or you go back to being a junior high nottie. Don’t test me-A.” Mona wants to know if Hanna got a text and she reminds Mona she is phoneless. Mona gives her the phone back to Hanna but no text since the one about the fire. Looks like Hanna is going to keep the phone again. Mona could have sent the text to herself from the other phone. She is a sneaky one. Hanna blabs a bit too much giving clues to Mona that they had thought Jenna was A and that they are going to the doll hospital. Mona is asking lots of questions but before Hanna can spill her guts again Caleb shows up and needs her mouth for more important things than talking. In the few weeks Caleb has been MIA his looks have changed a bit. Can’t put my finger on it but a little of the I’m too sexy for my shirt have gone bye bye. I need a minute to grieve. Aria stops by her mom’s classroom,empty of course, to leave her a note. While there she sees an application for an all girls boarding school in Vermont with a note saying send Aria’s transcripts.

The PLL’s have made their way to Brookhaven and are looking for 235 Sprucewood. There isn’t a 235. While looking around they see a frightening looking women unlocking the doll hospital. I will call her Carol Ann because I’m pretty sure she is the grown up version of Carol Ann from Poltergeist. Once I get that in my head I can’t stop the voices in my head from screaming Carol Ann. That movie left scares that will never heal. Aside from having trouble concentrating because of the voices in my head now I’m also trying to figure out what Aria is wearing. I keep rewinding but still can’t put a name to it. It is a must see. I’m going to say biker shorts or maybe just spanx with a totally sheer long skirt over it. I wish she had added Spencer’s knee socks to it but instead she has cute boots. Emily is once again dressed in one of Sue Sylvester’s track suits. Just because she’s gay doesn’t mean she has to dress bad. Back to Carol Ann she clearly isn’t happy to see the girls. She tells them the store is not open. Spencer says we have been calling you and just have a couple of questions. She tells the girls she doesn’t really sell the dolls then Spencer points to the voodoo doll and says a friend of their got that one. Carol Ann says no we don’t sell those someone left that one here. As they are looking at all the doll in the window and pair of eyes blinks. Carol Ann tells the girls to come in and she will see if she can help them. This is when they should all run for their lives screaming for their mommies. Of course they go in. The blinking eyes in the window belong to a child Carol Ann calls “Seth baby”, he is her grandson, I think. Since the shop was closed and “Seth baby” was locked inside the shop I’m thinking he must live there with all the dolls. Maybe the next call should be to child social services. Carol Ann says her late sister owned the shop and that she is trying to sell it. Good luck unloading that scary death trap. They all head to the basement where hundreds of creepy dolls are hanging upside down from the ceiling. Carol Ann tells the PLL’s she doesn’t know anything about the voodoo doll Allison had. This is when “Seth baby” comes to life and is a world of information. Haley Joel Osment has nothing on this kids. “Seth baby tells the girls someone came asking who bought the same doll the summer before last. Emily shows him a picture of Ali and he says it was her with dark hair. He said he told her to stop asking about the doll because a man and a women wanted to hurt her. Carol Ann says he needs to stop talking that he is gifted, he sees things before they happen. ”Seth baby” tells them the women had dark hair and when they asked if she was blind the boy says no. Carol Ann tells him that is enough but before he leaves he tells them he is sorry about what happened to her. He says it must be awful breathing dirt into your lungs. It all seems so contrived. Somehow the PLL’s get out of that death trap and end up in Hanna’s kitchen. It seems speaking to a “gifted” maybe “dead” child makes the girls hunger because they are putting a pizza in the oven. If pizza isn’t comfort food I don’t know what is! Hanna is convinced Melissa and Ian were the couple “Seth baby” was talking about. Emily tells her to get off of it and Spencer says no we have to go back to the doll shop. She says her parents hired a PI because they thought Melissa might have killed Ali. She also tells them that Jason is her half brother and that Ali knew about it.

Aria goes home and confronts her mother about the boarding school. Ella says they are not looking into sending her away because of Ezra but because of who ever is bullying her. Aria says that might be your reason but it is not dad’s. Then she bring up the affair Byron had with one of his students and says she could tell the dean if she wanted to. Blackmail from your own child—charming! I wouldn’t mind seeing little man take the fall. Back at the Hastings home Spencer is showing Melissa the video of her in Allison’s room the night she died. When she tells Melissa she is going to take it to the police and she doesn’t mean Garrett Melissa turns it around on her. She tells Spencer she has seen a few video that makes Spencer and her friend also look guilty. Say it ain’t so! Back at Rosewood High—I need a time line. It could be the same day maybe not. How can you tell? The girls are in the courtyard yet again. Hanna wants to set a trap for “A”, who she thinks is Melissa. She wants Caleb and Mona to be making out in a car where Melissa will see them and then see if she will send a text. It was a hard sell for Caleb, he hates Mona. He agrees, Melissa sees them and Hanna gets a text. ”Hey Han, you into sharing everything with your BFF? Even you BF? A. I must point out that we didn’t see Melissa send the text and also Caleb got out of the car as soon as Melissa passed by them. I say we can’t be sure who sent the text. Hanna is hot to go to the police but Spencer and Emily want one more trip to the doll hospital. They wants to show “seth baby” the video. Mona is staying a few days at the Marin house. She comes home to find Spencer, Emily and Hanna deciding what to do next. She asked if they got a text and Hanna says no. If she sent it the gig is up and she knows they don’t trust her. She goes to take a bath. Spencer, Emily and Hanna head to the doll hospital. Aria stops by Ezra’s apartment and finds out he’s been fired. Cut to Jenna doing a little brail reading. What a fake. Toby tells her Garrett is sitting outside in his car watching them. Jenna gives Toby a piece of paper she says Garrett ask her to keep for him. Toby wants to know if she knows what it is. She lies and says no. He tells her it is the missing page from Allison’s autopsy report. Jenna plays dumb and asks Toby to take her the police so she can give it to them. The plot thickens. Why is Jenna now turning on Garrett?

It’s late at night so of course Spencer, Emily and Hanna decide it is the perfect tie to go to the doll hospital. The door just happens to be unlocked. They go to the basement and find a box full of the voodoo dolls Carol Ann said they didn’t sell. Suddenly the power goes off. It’s not like there was much light before but now they are scared. It’s about time ladies! A dolls voice keeps repeating the phrase “Follow me, end up like me.” They follow the voice to a door when they open it they find an Allison doll recreating the scene of Allison buried alive. I may have screamed a little. Now the dogs are looking at me like I might be crazy. They could be correct. Run ladies run!! Now dolls are flying off the shelves and symbol banging monkeys start playing their instruments. Finally they run for their lives. They didn’t get to talk to “seth baby” but they did get out of there alive.

Back at Ezra’s he is telling her he can’t teach in Rosewood. He says he will go live with his parents until he finds another job. They say how much they love each other and do the deed. Are we really going to lose Ezra? Will Aria end up preggers? While Aria and Ezra could be spending their last night together. Much is going on around town. Spencer, Emily and Hanna are gathering up everything they have of Allison’s to take to the police. Melissa and Garrett are downstairs and guess what. They’re a couple. They think they are alone in the house and they are kissing. Melissa assures Garrett that she has been scaring Spencer all of her life and that she will not go to the police. Almost before she can get the words out the police knock on the door and arrest Garrett for the murder of Allison. I guess because page 5 of the autopsy report. Cut to Jenna sitting at a mirror taking off her lipstick. A fly land on the mirror and she kills the fly with a rolled up newspaper and wipes the spot clean. It’s a miracle— she can see. The look on her face is priceless. Head to the doll hospital, Carol Ann and “Seth baby” are there with “A”. ”A” gives Carol Ann an envelope full of money and “Seth baby” a giant lollipop. And let me say I have had those cherry lollipops and they are worth whatever he had to do for it.

What an episode! We learned a few things but I still have more questions than answers. WIll Ezra leave town? Will Aria end up blackmailing her family? Is Melissa’s baby Garrett’s? Is Allison really dead? Does she have a twin? Will Jenna keep pretending she can’t see? What is A planning to do with Mr. Hastings gun? Who is A? Will they let Emily wear a pretty dress to the masked ball next week or will she have to dress like Sue again? And the most important question—will Caleb look like Caleb next week? I think he is getting too thin. I know you can never be too rich or too thin but in his case that may not be true. So many more questions but my head is about to explode so……

Until the finale—Got a secret, can you keep it?

Dance Moms: Topless Showgirls; Or: Gross

Wed, 07 Mar 2012 20:31:18 -0600

I’m definitely not looking forward to the girls dancing like showgirls and Fatty McDance getting a lapdance.

In other news, why do shows (this one, Jerseylicious) do that stupid “coming up on…” nonsense. I AM WATCHING THE SHOW. I WILL SEE WHAT IS COMING UP. Plus I’m so stupid that every week I announce, “I DIDN’T SEE ANY OF THIS LAST WEEK” in a rage. Before being told that it’s all footage coming up on the episode.

Paige and Brooke are on the bottom of the pyramid. Fatty just wants to see Brooke smile. Mackenzie is also on the bottom. McDance tells her she’s not dancing at the same level that Maddie was when she was Mackenzie’s age. Shut up, fatty.

Chloe and Nia are in the middle. Maddie is back on top. Finally. Now she doesn’t have to kill anyone.

This week they’re going to an elite competition called Fire & Ice. I hope Madeline Stowe comes out in an evening gown to judge this thing.

The girls are doing a routine this week where they’re going to look nude. That seems normal. EVERYONE IS SHOCKED. I’m not sure why. They’ll all be dancing nude in the next 3 or 4 years anyway. Might as well start them now.

Fatty McDance is excited about the fact that they’re doing a fan dance. Apparently the fans will cover their naked bodies. That makes sense.

Up in the OBSERVATION MEZZANINE the moms are all talking about how appalled they are by the nude dance. But they quickly move on to talk about how much they enjoyed trying on wedding dresses last week. All the while their daughters are gyrating like prostitutes downstairs.

Melissa heads out to pee and the other moms proceed to talk about her and her mysterious new ring. I wonder which random man she banged for dance money ended up proposing to her.

Fatty McDance can barely breathe. She’s a mess. She gasping for air while she teaches the girls their dance. She excused the girls who know the group number, but keeps the idiots who are too dumb to learn it. Of course Brooke and Paige are the two she kept. Paige complains about having homework. Wait…these girls go to school? Where do they find the time?

OH MY GOD. WE GET TO SEE INSIDE THE HOUSE OF CATHY NESBITT. Mike, her husband, serves everything to her. They both ignore Vivi as though they didn’t steal her and she isn’t sitting right there. MIKE OWNS A BEEF JERKY STORE! He wants to make a commercial with Vivi. She seems REALLY EXCITED about it. Then she zaps them both with her laser eyes.

Back at Abby’s studio, the girls are still learning how to be whores. Then Fatty McDance kind of dances like a whore and I am SICK. Then the moms talk about how gross Abby must be topless. Thanks for putting that visual in my head.

Maddie has a contemporary, lyrical dance as her solo this week. Like I know what that means. Apparently it’s a real tough routine. I think it looks kind of crappy, but what do I know?

Chloe has a dark, unique solo this week. They kind of all look the same to me. Unless someone is murdered on stage I don’t really see a difference in any of the routines.

Mike brings Cathy Nesbitt her lunch and lets her know that the beef jerky commercials are going to be too expensive. So Cathy Nesbitt tells him that she’ll make it for him. That seems about right.

The Abby Lee Miller girls get their costumes. I’m not even sure why they’re bothering to wear anything, the costumes are so small. Nia kind of looks bloated.

All the pedophiles in town are going to be bummed they missed this dance competition.

Cathy Nesbitt asks Christi if Chloe can dance in the beef jerky commercial. Now there’s a sentence I never thought I’d write. Christi agrees to it. This is sure to go over well with Fatty McDance.

The moms want to throw Melissa an engagement party even though she hasn’t even told anyone that she’s engaged. So they’re going to get her a stripper. They should just hire one of their daughters.

Cathy Nesbitt is a great director. This looks like a really high quality commercial. Chloe’s costume is made out of beef jerky. I am not uncomfortable watching this at all. Why are people dancing around jerky?

Why does Abby never notice someone is missing until halfway through rehearsal? She’s just now noticing that Chloe isn’t there.

It’s the day of the Fire & Ice competition. They spend most of the morning laughing about banning Cathy Nesbitt from competitions.

Speaking of Cathy Nesbitt, what are the odds?!? Christi just happens to get an email with the commercial. It’s the creepiest commercial I’ve ever seen. Cathy edited out all of the dancing and just shows Chloe looking like a weirdo in a meat suit. Fatty McDance abuses Christi and Chloe for the commercial. Poor Chloe is just sitting in the corner about to have a breakdown. Then she has to go out and perform her solo. She dances her a little heart out, per usual.

I think Fatty McDance has a mustache.

Up next is Maddie. I can’t stand this little bastard this year. I think her dancing is a choppy mess. I don’t get why everyone still thinks she’s so great. AND COOL IT WITH THE CREEPY SMILE, WEIRDO.

Up next is the group routine where they dance nude on stage. Melissa seems to think it’s awesome that Mackenzie owned this whore dance. MOTHER OF THE YEAR!

“The group number went really well. Everyone in the audience seemed to love it,” Brooke says. Uh, because the audience is made up of rapist pedophiles. Of course they liked it, genius.

Chloe comes in second. Of course that bitch Maddie wins. Get a life, judges.

The slutty dance doesn’t even place.

After the competition the moms set up the bachelorette party for Melissa. She doesn’t understand why they’re having a party because she claims she isn’t getting married. Then a stripper shows up while the kids are in the room. Luckily Holly gets them out. Melissa has a meltdown because she’s classy and strippers aren’t.

I really like Abby’s track suits.

Pretty Little Liars: Eye of the Beholder; Or: Sweet Jesus, My Mom Can Talk About This Show...

Wed, 07 Mar 2012 10:43:52 -0600

My mom’s latest recap that I forgot to post yesterday. DON’T TELL HER I FORGOT.

The countdown is on. They open with big red letters saying only two episodes left until “A” is revealed. I’m pretty sure it is written in blood. I hope it’s Bryon’s blood and we later see him laying in a pool of it. When they open with that I don’t know if they mean two counting this one or two after this one. Sorry I’m not a rocket scientist, lets be honest if I were a rocket scientist I wouldn’t be watching this show. I decided to goggle it. This week “eye of the beholder” followed by “If these dolls could talks” and then the finale “unmAsked”. So three counting this one. It would have saved me a little time if they could be a little clearer.

When we left the PLLs last week Spencer, Emily and Hanna were mesmerized by the creepy dolls in the window of the doll shop and Aria was being mistaken for Vivian. The writers thought the encounter with the mystery man was a good cliffhanger for last week, but not important this week. We begin with the four liars sitting outside Lucky Leons Cupcake shop going over the events that transpired in Brookhaven. Those cupcakes look delish, I may not be able to stop the voices in my head saying run to the bakery for a tasty treat. I’m back, it was, as always, a delight. Back to the liars. Aria tells them about the guy mistaking her for Vivian. His name is Duncan Albert I can’t help but think of him as Duncan Hines with the cupcakes and all. Aria says she told him she was a friend of Vivian’s and hasn’t seen her since she gave her the red coat. He told Aria he met Vivian in a bookstore in Brookhaven, the girls all agree he must be connected to Allison and what she wanted in Brookhaven. All of which they think lead Allison to discover who “A” is. Duncan gave Aria his number so she says she will call him and try to get more info. Just then a town car pulls up and Jenna and Toby get out of it. Jenna has either been to pirate camp or had eye surgery. Her right eye has a patch on it. For some reason I thought she had the surgery a few weeks ago but I guess not. They both seem to see the PLL’s, Toby gives them serious stink eye then moves on with Jenna. While at pirate camp Jenna must have practiced her mind control skills on Toby. He looks to be back under her spill. Spencer is devastated. She must have forgotten she broke up with him and that she has been swapping spit with Dr. Wren.

Hanna and her mom are arguing in the Marin kitchen. Hanna feels she must have a new phone to survive, she says not having a phone is like not having a brain or shoes. Her mom tells her a phone is a privilege and if she wants a new phone she is going to have to let her mom know what is going on in her life. Hanna and Emily head off to school. My guess is it will just be hall walking and maybe lunch, but no classes. Lucky for Hanna, Mona just happens to have an old phone that is still working so Hanna now has a brain. Hanna is so happy to have a phone she doesn’t ask the all important question, what’s my number? All four of the PLLs are standing there and I seem to be the one with questions about the phone. Aria tells the girls she called Duncan and they are going to meet after school. The bell rings and they head off as if they are going to class. What a joke! Emily gets a text—-Em-I’m okay. Don’t tell. More Soon. Maya. Vague, but Emily looks happy about it. Further down the hall Spencer has a very awkward encounter with Toby. He is still hurt and angry. He says Jenna had surgery on one eye. If it works they will do the other eye. Spencer wants to go down memory lane with Toby but he is having no part of that. He says Jenna has been through more than any of them and he is sticking by her at least for a while. Blind/dead, I think Allison is the topper! I think while Jenna was having the surgery Toby stopped by perms-r-us or the surgery was in Texas. That boy has some big hair.

Meanwhile, still at school but not in a class, Aria and Duncan are having their meeting. Security is very lax at Rosewood High. Anyone is allowed on campus. It’s a snipers dream. Aria starts to ask him questions about Vivian but he stops her and ask her if Aria is her real name. He says Vivian wasn’t her real name and if you are really her friend you will know her real name. Aria says Allison and he says we have a winner. He wants to know where she is. Aria tells him Allison is dead that she disappeared labor day weekend year before last. He wants to know what happened to her. Aria said she disappeared and her body was not found for a year. He seems truly upset by this news. He wants to know who did it when Aria say they don’t know he says don’t the cops have any clues. Aria tells him they don’t trust the cops. He guesses that Aria is the friend that kept the journals and says she talked alot about the four of them. When Aria asked if Allison ever talked about anyone she was afraid of he starts head spinning and says they can’t talk there. He tells Aria they spent a lot of time together that summer and that he saw her the weekend she disappeared. He tells Aria he will call her and runs off. The plot thickens. He seems very believable but if they were so close why didn’t he know she was dead? He must have known how to get in touch with her. When she didn’t answer his calls or call him why didn’t he do what everyone else in the free world (at least for now) does? Go to the big brother of all big brothers—— GOOGLE!. Aria shares her news with the other little pretties as they walk home. They see Garrett’s car race away. Then they receive a text—“Where there’s smoke, there’s payback.-A.” What is that crazy wackado up to now? As they pass Toby and Jenna’s house they see them talking to people from the fire department. They are afraid Toby will tell them about what happen to Jenna. That break ups not looking so good now is it Spencer? Another question that the PLLs don’t seem to have. How did Hanna get the text if she doesn’t even have her own phone? As far as I can tell aside from the other little pretties Mona is the only other person that knows about the phone.

Back at school (I know, I don’t get it either.), they show up to visit a little then they walk around town then they go back to school to sit and read and talk. How will they ever get into a good college if they never go to class? I hope they watch 60 minutes they are all going to need to hire that SATs for hire guy. I know I could have used him. Anyway, Spencer and Emily run into Jason in the hall, yet another non-student roaming the halls. He tells them he has a box of Allison’s things that Maya left at his house before she went missing. It is stuff of Allison’s that was left in the attic when her family moved. Speaking of college, Ella shows up at Ezra’s office for a little talk. He offers her chocolate milk or an apple. Really? Is he running a daycare center? She just wants him to know that she is not really an ally, and only cares about Aria in all of this. Her real reason for the visit is to ask him if he knows of anyone that might want to hurt Aria. He says no. She leaves. Hanna gets Toby alone and tries to talk some sense into him about Jenna but he is not listening. He has had quite a bit of the Jenna kool-aid.

Jason drops by Spencer’s house with the box of things Allison left in the attic. Aria stops by to say Duncan called and she is on her way to meet him. No one seems concerned that she is going alone to meet someone they don’t know any thing about. That is not like Spencer at all. This Toby thing has her off her game. While Spencer, Emily and Jason are looking through the box Spencer’s mom walks in and if looks could kill Jason would be dead. I would not want to be on that ones bad side. I think the new hair cut makes her look even scarier and a little more like Olivia Benson. Jason quickly leaves and mommy dearest tells Spencer never to invite him over again.

It has quickly tuned dark outside for Aria’s meeting with Duncan. Turns out the place he and Allison alway meet was at an airfield. He says he took Allison flying often. He plans to take Aria up for their talk. This is where I would be running for my life but she seems okay with it. Once they are in the air Aria ask Duncan if he was in love with Allison and he said he could have been if someone else hadn’t been in the way. He didn’t know who. He said Allison felt safe in the air like no one could get to her. Duncan is beginning to be creepy he tells Aria Allison liked to take control of the plane and he wants her to do the same so she can feel what Allison felt. This may have been Allison’s safe place but I’m pretty sure Aria is going to need a change of panties when she gets out. Aria wants Duncan to take over flying the plane but he wants to talk first. He tells her he has done some reading since they last talked are read about Ian confessing. Aria tells him the note was fake and that they think Ian was trying to protect someone. This seem enough for him and he talk over control of the plane. Duncan tells Aria Allison called him from Hilton Head that Sunday of Labor Day weekend. She wanted him to fly her from Hilton Head to a field outside Philly. He tells Aria he picked her up Sundays morning and flew her home. He said she was different this time like she had figured something out. From his story Aria realizes Allison was back 6 or 7 hours before they thought.

It seems to be visit your least favorite pedophile day. It’s Byron’s turn to talk to Ezra. He didn’t offer Byron chocolate milk or an apple. In fact he stood up to him. He let little man know that he was aware of his involvement in the job offer and that he would not be taking it. He tells Byron he doesn’t want him to have power over his life. It gets ugly on little mans part but Ezra stays cool and looks like the bigger man. Which I think we can all agree is not hard to do. Those close up angry shots of Byron show that he is not aging nearly as well as his of so handsome brother Rob. Yet another love of my life! Ezra calls Aria, he doesn’t know she is flying the unfriendly sky’s with a possible crazy man. He leaves a voice message asking her to call him and telling her he loves her. I know it’s wrong to root for this relationship but I can’t help myself. If loving Aria and Ezra is wrong I don’t want to be right.

Emily got an e-mail from Maya. It’s very sweet and heartfelt and doesn’t sound like the Maya I know. She say she’s fine and not taking chances. That she is not as brave as Emily thinks she is. She says she loves how Emily knows how to be still, and wishes she could be that way. She says she shouldn’t have come back and then they would have had that last perfect night. She says goodbyes are all we have. Very sad, and now I want her to come back.

Spencer is packing up the bag Jason brought over and her mom wants to know if he is coming back. She tells Spencer Jason is trouble and not to believe anything he says. I think that goes for all of Spencer’s family. Spencer tells her that she talked to her dad last week about thinking he was being blackmailed and the money Jason found. She says he told her he hired a PI. Mrs. Hastings gets an odd look on her face and has to sit down. She then tells Spencer the PI was her idea. They both look like they had a come to Jesus moment but for the life on me I don’t know what they realized. Spencer’s mom only said the PI was her idea, but maybe she meant she paid for him and if so Mr. Hastings has some plaining to do.

Hanna stops by Spencer’s to tell her about her talk with Toby. While there she see a newspaper with Michelle Obama wearing a blouse Hanna says she wore two years ago. While Hanna is thinking the Obama’s are poor Spencer realizes the newspaper is from when Allison was alive and that she warped all the stuff in the box and not Maya. She tells Hanna to go back to Jason’s house for the box they need to have another look. When Hanna gets to Jason’s house she sees the house is on fire and Jenna is in the house. Spencer must have seen the smoke because she comes running over. Hanna pulls Jenna out of the house and Spencer helps get them both away from the house. As they are running away from the house it explodes. At the hospital we find out that some one sent Jenna a text saying to meet Jason at his house. She says she rang the doorbell, someone opened the door and thats all she remembers. Jason was out of town so he didn’t do it. Toby tells her Hanna saved her. It seems almost everyone we know in Rosewood showed up at the hospital except Jenna’s parent. That community need to have some mandatory parenting classes, it’s no wonder the kids are a mess. Jenna ask to see all the girl and she lets them know she doesn’t think they had anything to do with it. She was crying and nice and so not Jenna. After the hospital visit they all go back to Spencer’s to go though the bag again. I guess Hanna didn’t let go of it when she was pulling Jenna out of the burning house or it would have burned up. They find a torn postcard with #1 on the back and a newspaper with an ad for a concert at the gazebo circled in red. The PLL’s think that is where Allison was when they thought she was on the bus from Hilton Head. Allison’s music box starts playing creepy music and we cut to what’s left of Jason’s house. The black gloved hand places a police badge on the porch. I assume it is Garretts.

So what to think? Who is A? Some of our suspects aren’t looking so bad any more. Jenna wouldn’t kill herself, she didn’t know Hanna would just happen by to save her. Would Garrett put his badge on the porch if he started the fire? Could A be a number of people and the strongest of the group be trying to kill and frame the others? The list of suspects is still very long.

Until next week—-Got a secret, can you keep it?

Farrah Abraham's Hot Sauce; Or: What?

Fri, 02 Mar 2012 07:29:45 -0600

Apparently Farrah’s now making hot pepper sauce. It’s like salsa, but gross.

Revenge: Scandal; Or: The One Where Victoria Grayson Only Puts Lotion On 33 Times

Wed, 29 Feb 2012 22:11:32 -0600

No one in the Hamptons seems to be able to afford to pay their electricity bill. If people were getting murdered up a storm in my backyard I’d turn on ALL the lights. Sometimes, when I’m home alone and hear a sound (usually a raccoon doing something creepy with it’s human hands in the trash can) I sleep with all the lights on. No one seems to know that trick in the Hamptons. Everyone is just roaming around with nothing but a 25 watt lightbulb in a corner-of-the-room-lamp.

Daniel has been released from custody. He and Emily head home. No one has done a very good job of bandaging up his head wound. It’s just a small bandage covered in blood. I thought poor people were always complaining about the better healthcare that the rich get. Doesn’t seem to be the case here.

Jack wanders home and finds Declan sitting in the dark. This should be expected. No one should be startled when someone appears in the dark BECAUSE EVERYONE APPEARS IN THE DARK. Anyway, Declan eyes Jack’s hoodie since the person who allegedly killed Tyler was wearing a hoodie and only one person in all of the Hamptons owns a hoodie.

Back at Grayson Manor, Victoria has still not taken my advice to put on soft clothes. She must be so uncomfortable all day. I just got a new job that requires me to be in an office for 9 hours and, let me tell you something, wearing a bra all day is uncomfortable. I can only imagine how she feels in evening wear.

The next morning Jack appears at Emily’s house. She’s surprised he isn’t halfway to Haiti yet on his sailboat. If you’re going to sail somewhere you might want to look into somewhere nice like the Bahamas. Haiti is terrible.

Jack is still wondering where Amanda went. I’m glad that bitch is gone. I don’t like how she talks out of the side of her mouth like she’s Holly Hunter’s child.

Emily goes to Nolan’s house and he shows her a video of Amanda hanging out on the Amanda with Jack.

I hate scenes with Declan. Charlotte heads to his hobo-house and does some whining. She’s consumed by the hoodie. He finds some pills in her purse and interrogates her. Get a life, fagatron.

The police show up at Emily’s to arrest Daniel. Victoria and her flawless forehead run in to try to protect Daniel. She doesn’t even seem to have a hard time running in a tight business dress.

I LOVE THIS SHOW SO MUCH. I wish it came on every night for 3 hours. I am so glad I haven’t done anything to cross Emily. I would not want her revenging me. She’s just so good.

Victoria, Emily and Conrad all meet with Daniel and the lawyer. Daniel tells them what happened. He says he fired the gun once and then blacked out. His lawyer tells him that his head wound is in a place that makes it seem like there was another person on the beach. I THINK IT’S THAT ASIAN. But I’m not a licensed cop, just a novice. (I watch Law & Order: SVU is what I am saying here.)

Jack is off investigating Amanda nonsense.

Later in the day Victoria wanders into Emily’s house to give her a present. I love when these two are alone in a scene. IT’S LIKE MY DREAM TO WATCH THEM.

Anyway, Victoria gives her an engagement present, but wants her to wait to open it. What kind of bunk deal is that? I hate when I see presents I can’t open.

Victoria asks Emily why she came back to the house when Daniel was at the police station. Emily is a quick thinking wizard and makes something up about a change of clothes.

Jack heads to Nolan’s to ask him if he wired Amanda a bunch of money. He says he didn’t, but now Jack thinks the Grayson’s did it. Then Jack says he followed Amanda to the beach the night that Tyler was murdered. As Jack leaves, Nolan immediately calls Emily. Per usual Emily doesn’t take his call.

Charlotte and Victoria are upstairs, blowing in the late summer wind, wearing fancy clothes, talking about what kind of person David Clarke was. There is a flashback to David asking Victoria to move to a farm in Kansas with him. Uh, had he met Victoria? A FARM? You want Victoria Grayson to wear overalls and raise goats?

Back in real time Victoria asks Charlotte to remember as much as she can about what she saw on the beach.

Emily calls Nolan back and he tells him that Amanda had plans to go to Haiti with Jack before she disappeared.

Then Daniel’s lawyer, Mr. Brooks (who just happens to be former ADA Ron Carver), shows up to asks some questions in his creepy voice that makes him seem like he’s up to no good even when he’s up to good.

As he’s leaving Emily tells him there is something he needs to know about the Graysons. That they don’t own a single pair of pajamas amongst them.

Back at Grayson Manor, Lawyer Brooks tells the Grayson’s he knows that they paid off people to cover up Daniel’s DUI last summer. Emily tells them she told him.

Lawyer Brooks tells them that someone sabatoged the security cameras at the party. He says that this will make it look like Daniel did it so he could murder Tyler.

Emily is pissed at Nolan because she now knows he’s been working with that Asian man. (Is that a racist sentence? I don’t remember his name and he’s the only Asian on the show so I should be able to call him that Asian man.)

Declan is snooping in Jack’s stuff and finds his bloody hoodie.

Charlotte is at Emily’s house so she can whine a little more. Then Emily mentions the pills too. LAY OFF HER, EVERYONE.

Declan approaches Jack and tells him he’s going to start protecting him. Why doesn’t one of these idiots set that hoodie on fire?

Brooks shows up at Jack’s bar to question him. Nolan just happens to be there to overhear it. Brooks doesn’t really ask him much. Two questions and then he cryptically leaves.

Brooks talks to that little bitch Ashley. She kind of throws Daniel under the bus. Get a life, poor girl.

Conrad sneaks up on Victoria. That’s kind of his thing. Luckily for him she leaves all the doors and windows open so he can just appear. They drink scotch and giggle like rich people with a son behind bars for murder. “Jail is no place for a boy like Daniel,” Victoria says. Tell me about it, sister.

Daniel has his arraignment. He is denied bail. Uh, duh. He’s all rich and handsome. It would be so easy for him to leave. I hope they put him in solitary. He’s going to get killed at Rikers.

Later that night, the Graysons and Emily eat like it’s 1914 and they’re at Downton Abbey and Daniel isn’t in jail. If it were me I’d eat on the couch in front of a rerun of 90210 on SoapNet.

Victoria puts more lotion on.

48 hours earlier Emily rushes home to look under her floorboards but she’s met by that Asian guy. They do some fighting. She asks what happened on the beach. Turns out he’s the one that shot Tyler the other two times. I told you. I’m an excellent sleuth.

That Asian man tells her that Amanda has been taken care of. And then tells her she can’t save them both. I assume he means Daniel and Jack? Sometimes I’m too dumb for the television.

Emily has a bit of meltdown. It’s the first time we’ve ever seen this side of her.

And then ABC tells us that the show isn’t new until April. YOU STOP THAT RIGHT NOW, ABC. YOU ARE TOO STUPID. STOP IT.

Pretty Little Liars: Father Knows Best; Or: The One My Mom Recapped That I Didn't Edit For Spelling & Grammar Because I AM TOO TIRED TO DO IT

Wed, 29 Feb 2012 20:03:39 -0600

Only three episodes until the demon is revealed, or so they say. I will believe that when I see it I still have trust issues after the “who killed Rosey” debacle. I still think A has to be more than one person so I am thinking we might find out one of the A’s. If she/he is one person he/she is a wizard. As far as I know only God can see all that at one time. ”A” doesn’t seem God like to me. Rumor has it Allison had a twin and she will be appearing. That could be fun. I read she has been in a mental hospital. If she is crazier than Allison buckle your seat belt we are in for a bumpy ride. I’m hoping tonight’s episode gives us some insight and not more questions. So here goes. Oh yea—the big thing tonight is the annual father-daugher dance. I’m sure they are all looking forward to that since they are all in such a good place with their dad’s right now.

As you remember last week ended with a cop coming to talk to Emily about Maya. It seemed like maybe Emily was going to get bad news about Maya but that was not the case. We find out that Maya left a note for her parents and packed a bag. They think she ran away so she wouldn’t have to go back to boot camp for pot smoking bad girls. Hanna is trying to be a good friend and talk to Emily about it but Emily is being a bit bitchy. Not pleaser Emily’s MO. I can’t concentrate on what they are saying for admiring the bedside lamp in Hanna’s room. To make matters worse Hanna and Emily keep taking turns turning it off and on. I am having to fight my OCD in order to keep watching and not start searching the Internet for that lamp.

Spencer and Melissa are sitting in the dark in a car having a heart to heart. Melissa is so cagey it’s difficult to know her motives so take it all with a grain a salt. Spencer wants to know why Melissa lied to her and got in a car with the always sinister Officer Garrett. Melissa says Garrett was a friend of Ian and has been so kind to her. She says she needed someone to talk to because she couldn’t believe she married someone capable of killing Allison. She tells Spencer she wanted to talk to her after the funeral because she keeps having a feeling something was not right about Ian’s death. Melissa says she talked to Garrett about it last night but now is afraid she told him too much. She tells Spencer she told Garrett that their mom and dad were always fighting but it stopped when Allison died. She felt like they were relieved. Could Mr. Hastings also be Allisons father? Now is Mrs. Hastings in the running for who killed Allison? Melissa reveals that she was texting Allison telling her to back off Ian. Spencer tells Melissa Allison knew about Jason and may have been blackmailing their dad.

Yet another secret that is going to blow up in Ella’s face. She tells Aria for now short man doesn’t need to know about her meeting with Aria and Ezra. Aria doesn’t want to go to the father daughter dance because of all the tension between the two of them. Hanna has just found our her dad is too busy to come take her to the dance, but never fear Ashley comes to her rescue. Emily’s dad is flying in for the big dance and Mr. Hastings will also be attending. Lets the good times roll. The PLL’s meet up at school to talk, still no classes. They all receive a text from A “do mom and dad know you’re watching murder movies? I bet it would kill them to find out.-A-.” Aria wants to know if “A” is talking about the NAT video. I guess they are talking about the video Caleb got off the phone. Speaking of Caleb WHERE IS HE? I need to see his beauty. All the liars except Spencer are convinced Melissa is “A” and want to go to the police. Spencer begs for more time to try to prove Melissa is innocent. Hanna thinks they could get in trouble for “withdrawing” evidence, girl really could use some schooling. They finally agree to give her a little more time.

Spencer goes home to find a gift from her dad. It’s a beautiful diamond necklace that he wants her to wear to the father daughter dance. Melissa is suspicious and says he is “overcompensating.” When men are overcompensating isn’t that usually about small “feet?” Spencer defends him to Melissa but her hearts is not really in it. Poor Spencer everyone related to her is a suspect. Caleb is out of town visiting his family, I might be crying a little, so Hanna and Mona are hanging out. As they are walking they spot Ashley and Officer Wilden in a car talking. Another dark car meeting. Are they all afraid their homes are bugged? If so I wouldn’t trust the car since that is the place everyone likes to spill their guts. Wilden wants Ashley to get Hanna’s phone so he try to find out who sent the police report. Hanna confronts her mom about Wilden, is she dating him? Dating might not be the correct word for what they were doing before. God NO, Ashley says she is just trying to get answers about the police report. Hanna gives her mom a good talking down to and then storms out. While this is quite possibly the best mother daughter relationship of the four it is so dysfunctional on every level. You never know which one of them will be playing the mother role. Next thing you know Ashley will be shoplifting and Hanna will be paying it forward.

Mike’s back—who cares? Not me! Seems he’s going to DJ the father daughter dance. Classy!! The last time we saw him he was going postal and headed for the loony bend and today he is giving words of wisdom to Aria. Good meds for sure he seems to have the schizophrenia under control, but you can’t mask those dead eyes. Emily and her dad are in the Marin’s kitchen catching up. He seems to have mellowed on the gay oh no she isn’t thing. He asked about Maya and the flood gates open. Emily tells him she has disappeared. Instead of pulling a tommy boy and jumping on the coach his tries to help her find Maya. It’s about time Colonel Mustard. They head to the bus station to see if she bought a ticket. Turns out she did buy a ticket to SF but was last seen talking to someone in a dark car and maybe left in that car. Knowing Maya the car things could have just been to score a bit of weed. So no answers on the Maya front. Back at the home where everyone is a suspect and usually missing in action, Mr. Hastings is trying his best to get on Spencer’s good side. He misses spending time with her. Seriously, when has he ever spent time with her. Anyway now he wants to make up for it. She is having no part of it he heads to the club and she heads to his office to snoop. Melissa comes home and the snooping will have to wait until all is clear. Before Melissa’s untimely return Spencer did find a check stub from 2009 made out to cash for $15,000.00 which is the amount of money Jason found in Allison’s things. Ashley is still pushing Hanna for answers about who sent the police report. Ashley says she is tired of trying to get answers from Hanna and that she needs her phone so Wilden can help her get answers. Hanna tosses her phone in a sink full of soapy water. I did not see that coming! From the look on Hanna’s face she didn’t either.

It’s dance time. Emily’s dad is already there she tells him she is sorry she is late but missed a call from Maya while in the shower and she wanted to wait around to see if she would call again. Lame—did she forget the cell phone can leave home? Her dad tells her this is their last weekend for a while. Who is he trying to fool? They haven’t seen each other this whole season. Anyway he is being deployed again and leaves tonight. While dancing Aria’s dad is taking a walk down memory lane. Apparently these two have done alot of dancing. Saved by Hanna who shows up in soft clothes. I was really looking forward to seeing what non age appropriate outfit she would wear to the dance. Aria, Spencer, Emily and Mona coming running up to see why she is there dressed like a hobo. To be honest I am not flipping out over the party dresses. I think Emily may have picked hers up while at the bus station from a 40 something. Spencer may have gotten her from a bike shop, it’s probably pretty in person but from where I am sitting it looks like something Vivian or Kit De Luca might have. It might be black snake skin—-call peta. Aria and Mona’s look age and event appropriate. Hanna tells the PLL’s plus one her mom is hot on the “A” trail. She tells them about her mom finding the police report and thinking it was sent to Hanna. She also tells them that her mom gave the report to Wilden and that he wanted her phone. She all starting spilling things about “A” until they realize Mona is with them. Mona has a plan to help them. Should they trust her? Mona tells the girls the best liar in the group needs to tell Ashley they sent the police report to Hanna to make her stop shoplifting. Mona says it couldn’t be her because she is a terrible liar. Since when? Anyway Hanna, Emily and Spencer all agree Aria is the best liar of the group, based on the Ezra lie. Aria leaves the dance to go tell Ashley she sent the police report. Ashley is clearly not buying it.

Spencer ‘s dad is trying way to hard at the dance they have words about keeping secrets. Spencer says lets not talk about it here and they go home. Back home Mr. Hastings realizes his gun is missing and calls the police to report it being stolen. While he is out of his office talking on the phone to the police Spencer finds a file full of pictures of Allison. When Spencer confronts her father about the file with all the pictures of Allison he tells her he hired a private investigator to look into Allison’s disappearance. The $15,000.00 was for that. Spencer says you were trying to protect Jason and he say no——-Your sister. He knew Melissa had been threatening Allison so he hired a PI to look into it. It gets a little confusing here because it’s not clear if the PI was also following Allison before she disappearance. I have so many questions. Was Allison still alive when he hired the PI? If so why didn’t he see who killed her? What did he find out from the PI? Why so many picture of Allison? 30ish seems like over kill. Spencer didn’t seem to have any questions. Very strange. The police come and Spencer goes to her room. Melissa comes sneaking in to find out why the police are there. Spencer tells her their fathers gun is missing. They are assuming it was stolen tonight but we all know that happened a few weeks ago. Melissa say things are too weird at their house and that she going back to the city. She tells Spencer to come with her she can protect her. Everything is pointing to Melissa so I’m guessing she didn’t do it.

Ashley and Ella meet for coffee and to discuss the girls. She tells Ella the story Aria told her and that she didn’t believe it. Ella says she doesn’t know why Aria would make this up and Ashley says they are all making stuff up and hiding things. Ella comes clean about “A” contacting her with info about their family. She doesn’t tell Ashley it was info about little man tapping his student. Ashley says she has gone to the police and Ella says she doesn’t think that is a good idea. Ashley says “this has gone on far too long.”Someone is watching them from outside.

Jonah calls Aria to tell her that Allison was receiving texts from more than one number. He doesn’t have the exact address but a one block radius. While walking around they see a doll hospital with dolls in the window that look like the chucky dolls “A” sent them. It gives Aria a chill and she goes to the car to get a coat. It just happens to be the red coat that belonged to Vivian. Someone sees her from behind and calls out “Vivian?” She turns around to see someone we have never seen. What piece is he to this puzzle?

We close with the black gloved one buying the Rosewood Observer with a hugh picture of Maya with the caption—Missing Girl

Still so many question and so few answers.

Lots of people missing this week. Ezra, Sweet, sweet beautiful Caleb, Holden,Toby, Wren, Jason and Jenna all MIA this week. I could add Ian because I’m not sure he is really dead.

Until next week—-Got a secret, Can you keep it?

Dance Moms: The Runaway Mom; Or: The One Where Vivi Anne's Laser Eyes Don't Make a Single Appearance

Wed, 29 Feb 2012 19:58:11 -0600

I wish Vivi would go on a shooting spree or something to liven this season up.

Per usual, Fatty McDance has some mean things to say about the previous weekend’s competition. Then she starts with the pyramid. That little floozy, Kendall, is on the bottom. She cries, Jill goes into a rage. It’s REAL dramatic. “You should be on probation, not my daughter,” Jill screams. Last time I checked they didn’t put people on probation just for being fat.

Jill says there are a lot of studios who want a kid who is 8, but looks like she’s a 46-year-old Reno Blackjack dealer. She and Kendall storm out. “I don’t want to go, I love to dance,” Kendall says as their minivan screeches out into the Pittsburgh night.

Elsewhere on the pyramid’s bottom- Paige, Brooke and Mackenzie.

In the middle- Chloe and Maddie. Guess who’s on top? NIA! All the other girls are so excited for Nia’s first time on the top of the pyramid. It’s nice how much they all care about each other. Except for Maddie. You know that bitch isn’t happy.

Nia has a solo this week! She’s going to be performing as a princess.

The group routine is called Head Over Heels. It’s about falling in love and getting married. Fatty McDance says that she knows Melissa has a secret and she hopes this dance will bring out the secret. “I am engaged, but I like to keep my private life private,” Melissa tells us (the audience) in an interview. Uh, we all know like half the dudes you’ve banged for dance money. You’re not really doing a good job keeping things private.

Up in the OBSERVATION MEZZANINE the moms all gossip about where Jill and Kendall are going to end up. Melissa gets text from Jill (WHAT ARE THE ODDS?) saying that they’re going back to Kendall’s old studio. Uh, thanks for sharing. No one cares.

Sadly the producers think we care about Jill and Kendall so they show them driving around looking for a place to dance. Guess where they end up? Candy Apple Dance Studio! Even though it’s a 17 hour (round trip) drive each day. WHO NEEDS SCHOOL?! (NOT KENDALL!)

The moms head to a bridal shop to get some inspiration for the costumes, but they get sidetracked and act like fools, trying on wedding dresses. Ew. Then we learn that Kelly doesn’t wear underwear. She still proceeds to try on a dress. (Note to self: never try on clothes again.)

Kendall and Jill arrive at the Candy Apple studio. Cathy Nesbitt is thrilled. Cathy Nesbitt is wearing a beautiful animal print shirt that I’d like to get my hands on.

Cathy Nesbitt announces that Kendall will have a solo AND they’ll be attending to Fire & Ice competition in Pittsburgh to compete against Fatty’s troupe.

Back at the McDance Center for Dancing & Eating, the girls get berated while they rehearse. Apparently their dads have to come to this week’s competition. So what man who Melissa has banged will come? All of them?

CHRISTI ASKS THIS SAME QUESTION! Christi and I are on the same wavelength! HI CHRISTI! CALL ME!

Apparently none of Melissa’s men will be there. All the moms gang up on her and grill her.

Back at the Candy Apple Studio, the moms laugh and cornhole and drink like best friends who wouldn’t even claw each other’s faces off if given the chance. They gossip about the Fatty McDance Studio.

While Nia rehearses her solo all the moms gossip about Melissa in the OBSERVATION MEZZANINE. Everyone knows she’s engaged, but she’s being a real weirdo about it. Then they talk about Melissa and sex and her body and I AM PHYSICALLY SICK.

It’s the day of the competition. Jill and Cathy Nesbitt are slutting up their girls extra today to really show Abby Lee Miller. Uh, good luck.

Everyone is SHOCKED to see Jill and Kendall with the Candy Apples. JUST SHOCKED. (They’re all obviously real brain-trusts.)

Nia and Kendall have a showdown backstage. They nervously talk to each other. Nia’s solo is first. I don’t really understand dance so I have no idea how well she does until judges tell me. Her dad DOES seem to be missing a tooth though. That I know. I mean I guess that’s her dad. Is it racist that I just assumed?

Holly is a mess. She weeps. McDance has some negative comments about Nia’s dance, but liked it for the most part.

Kendall is up next. She’s terrible. (What do I know? She’ll probably win.)

Fatty McDance is pissed because Kendall does a dance she learned at her studio, not at Cathy Nesbitt’s.

The girls do their [creepy] group routine. Mackenzie really wishes her dad was there. i feel like their is some sort of law that bars him from being within 50 feet of girls gyrating like whores or something.

Cathy Nesbitt’s girls are up next. They’re all pushing 200 lbs and they’re at least 19. Luckily Vivi and that ginger boy stumble in at the end to bring the age of the team down so they can compete.

The Fatty McDance girls win the overall high score! Thank God. That keeps them from a beating this week.

Sadly Nia loses to Kendall. Holly has a nervous break down and babbles some nonsense about Nia being a pawn in a bigger game. It’s like she’s Oliver Stone.

Cathy Nesbitt presents Jill with a Candy Apple Dance Studio dance mom jacket. It’s denim and just lovely.

Nia and Holly storm out. As they’re leaving Cathy Nesbitt comes out and attacks Fatty McDance. I WISH THEY WOULD MURDER EACH OTHER RIGHT HERE ON CAMERA.

Next week: the girls dance in the nude or something.

BD WONG

Mon, 27 Feb 2012 21:33:15 -0600

I wish I had made this. I wish I knew this person.

Dance Moms: Bullets & Ballet; Or: The One Where There Are Guns [That Sadly Aren't Used to Kill Anyone]

Wed, 22 Feb 2012 14:50:00 -0600

It’s that time of the week again! Watching a fat broad yell at some kids!

I hope Jill wears another cowboy hat this week.

Did Brooke get a perm? What’s wrong with her hair?

Anyway, Fatty McDance does a little of her usual berating the girls about their last performance. Then she moves on to talk about this weekend’s show. It’s in Pittsburgh! Their home turf! There is a lot of pressure. So Fatty has decided to do a routine involving guns. Fingers crossed they’re real and someone (Melissa!) gets shot!

Pyramid time. Mackenzie is back on the bottom. Her time up top was certainly short lived. Nia, Kendall and Maddie round out the bottom. Maddie is shocked. SHE IS SHOCKED. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Melissa is pissed.

The middle row consists of Chloe and ~~Permy~~ Brooke. Paige is on the top! Everyone (aside from Maddie and Melissa) are so excited for her!

Everyone is performing this week except for Mackenzie. Kendall has been kicked out of the trio. Her old lady face shows signs of anger and sadness.

The moms head up to drink or sit in the OBSERVATION MEZZANINE why the girls are taught PRIVATE EYES, their routine for the week.

Holly and Jill are fighting about trios. Holly is mad Nia has never been in on. Jill is mad that Kendall was taken out of the one she was in. She’s also mad that Holly is mad. I am mad that Jill is mad that Holly is mad, etc.

Jill has a new present for Fatty McD. A bench dedicated to her. Good luck with that, Jill. Fatty McDance is going to crush the life out of a bench.

All the other moms think Jill is a loser. Get in line, moms.

The moms are also not pleased with this week’s dance. No one seems to be. Nia and Kendall mess up in practice and are forced to do pushups. It’s like they’re athletes or something.

Jill heads downstairs to check on Kendall and to yell at Abby, but she chickens out and bends over for McDance.

The trio routine this week is called Over & Over. It’s contemporary and I’m sure it tells a story I won’t understand. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND STORIES TOLD THROUGH DANCE.

The girls are supposed to already know Over & Over, but Paige is a big failure and doesn’t know what she’s doing. Kelly goes downstairs to rescue Paige. Paige cries and cries. Kelly babbles about the fact that she’s (Kelly) has been with Abby since she was 2. HOW OLD IS FATTY MCDANCE? 70?

Paige needs to man up. She also needs to get a stylist. She’d be so cute if she didn’t dress like she’s an extra in Shag: The Movie™ (While that might be one of my favorite movies EVER, I wouldn’t want to dress like any of them.)

Fatty McDance screams at the trio for being idiots some more.

It’s two days to the competition and there’s more yelling. The girls finally get their prop guns. Maddie lets us all know that she’s totally fine with using prop guns. I’m glad we cleared that up.

Guess who doesn’t think the gunplay is appropriate? Resident killjoy, HOLLY. I am so glad she’s not my mom. She sucks the life out of life.

Chloe’s solo is a lyrical routine. Whatever that means. I don’t pay attention to the dance jargon. (Also, as I’ve said, I don’t understand it.)

Maddie’s solo is called EVERY LITTLE STEP. McDance calls it mature and elegant. Just like a classy stripper!

Abby continues to rehearse with the trio, while Kendall is forced to run the music for the other girls. Jill is so angry. WHAT’S NEW? She’s really nervous to talk to Abby about it, but she finally goes down and tells Abby to start teaching Kendall. This goes over well.

Abby looks like a pimp on competition day. So it makes sense that she has the girls dressed up like tiny prostitutes.

I don’t even understand Chloe’s abs. She has a 12 pack. She and her abs dance the hell out of her lyrical solo. I’m so glad she doesn’t have that creepy smile that Maddie and Brooke have when they dance.

Maddie is nervous that she’s going to fall again. GET IT TOGETHER, MADDIE.

She doesn’t fall. She does great.

Fatty McDance praises Chloe. For the first time ever. Of course she has to then kiss Maddie’s ass.

The Maddie/Chloe/Paige trio is up next. The spacing is a mess. And Maddie is 15 steps ahead of everyone. GET IT TOGETHER, LITTLE BROADS.

My least favorite dance move (after that legs over head thing Brooke does) is the split. Gross.

Maddie comes in first in the solos. What? Why?

Their trio comes in second. FAILURES. YOU GIRLS ARE FAILURES. Fatty McDance blames Paige for this. (I totally thought it was Maddie’s fault. But no one can speak ill of the chosen one.)

Fatty McDance says she’s been teaching dance for 31 years, but earlier Kelly said she has been with Fatty since she was 2. Which would make Kelly 33 now. THERE IS NO WAY THAT IS POSSIBLE. She’s at least 45. 33? WHAT?! No.

Abby pretends to shoot the moms. I WISH THIS WOULD REALLY HAPPEN. SOMEONE GIVE HER A REAL GUN.

The girls do their gun routine. It’s like the worst James Bond movie I’ve ever seen. I hope no asshole in the future decides to make James Bond into a musical.

The group wins the group jazz category. Jill says it wasn’t that great because the routine wasn’t dynamic enough. Shut up, Jill. SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH. No one thinks you’re great.

Pretty Little Liars: Breaking the Code; Or: The [1000th] One My Mom Recapped

Tue, 21 Feb 2012 19:36:53 -0600

It’s just another day at Rosswood High. Three weeks in a row the girls have gone to school. Please don’t confuse going to class with being in the building. No one has had an actual class since Mr. Fitz taught sex education. There are some trolls roaming the halls, I guess they can’t all be pretty little liars. I picked a great place to pause one of the “students” is closer to my age than high school age and lets just say my yesterdays out number my tomorrows. And don’t get me started on her friend, also a little long in the tooth and speaking of teeth she could eat corn on the cob through a picket fence with those buck teeth and I’m not a dermatologist but she needs to have that giant mole on her chest looked at. I can’t wait to get back to the pretty girls. The PLL’s are gathered around Spencer’s locker, discussing meeting up with Jonah, the guy they discovered from the claim ticket. The girls want to know how Spencer got the $2,000.00 and she says from a family member. So sweet she already thinks of Jason as a family member. Maybe he can be the family she never had. Everyone at school except the PLLs are dressed for winter, coats, sweaters, scarf’s but our girls, all except Spencer, look like they might be headed to a S&M convention. Too much cleavage for school. I’m pretty sure Aria is wearing a dog collar. Emily is not too happy to find out only Spencer and Aria will be meeting the guy. As Emily is stating her case for going with them Spencer cuts her off as only Spencer can. The bitch has spoken—off with your head. I think Emily is going to cry, her emotions are raw right now (Maya). Maybe Spencer could be a bit less bitchy. Hanna is in Hanna-land and as far as I can tell she doesn’t even know what they are talking about. Mona comes up to finalize the mall plans with Hanna who, of course, doesn’t remember they were going. She tells Mona her mom needs her and they can go tomorrow. Looks like Mona is going to be “A’s” target this week. As Hanna blows her off she gets a text—Hanna’s Mommy saved her ass, who’s gonna save your?-A. Poor Mona, no friends and now A wants a piece of her.

At the Marin home Officer Wilden has stopped by to ask Hanna a few more questions. I think he still has a thing for Ashley and like daughter like mother—she is showing all the cleavage modern medicine gave her. She makes him leave without speaking to Hanna. Words of advice to Ashley, creeps will leave you alone if you start wearing sweats and you will be oh so much more comfortable. Throw away those spanx put the soft clothes on, grab a bag or two of chips and veg out to a day of the Kardashian girls doing everything and everybody.

The prodigal daughter has returned. Just what we need more doom and gloom. Spencer tells Melissa that Jason is their half brother. She takes it pretty well. Spencer tells her she thinks Allison knew. Melissa wants to know if anyone else knows. When Spencer says no Melissa says lets keep it that way. Emily is desperately trying to get in touch with Maya. I will say again I think their is more to Maya than meets the eye. I don’t trust her at all. Paige thinks maybe she can help Emily get over Maya. She invites Emily to help her with the fundraiser. Emily agrees to help maybe because Paige is looking much better since coming out. I almost didn’t recognize her.

It seems Mona was able to shop and shoplift without Hanna. She is at Hanna’s house showing all the dresses, trying to get Hanna to help her decide what to wear to the party. Hanna is not at all interested until Mona gets another text that upsets her. She tells Hanna that she has been getting texts about Hanna’s mom and her involvement with Officer Wilden. Now she has Hanna’s attention! Meanwhile, Spencer and Aria are meeting with Jonah. He’s not happy Aria didn’t come alone. Tough girl Spencer says she has the money. There’s a little back and forth “mine are bigger than yours” between Spencer and Jonah (Spencer really should have been a man) before Aria grabs the money from Spencer and gives it to Jonah. He gives them a piece of paper with only an address on it. They chase after him for a name but he says that is all he has and that Vivian was happy with it. He says the text came from a burner phone so all he could get was the address. They Google it. It’s only 20 minutes away so off they go. They have to put that plan on hold because as they are leaving they see creepy Garrett has been stalking them. He is just sitting there in that God awful car wanting them to see he is watching them. I think we all know they wouldn’t have gone anyway, it’s not the middle of the night yet. I’m guessing checking out the mystery address will require the dead of night and maybe rain. I’ll let you know when we get there.

Ella shows Aria the note that was left on Byron’s car. She asks Aria if she knows who A might be. Aria says no which technically isn’t a lie. Now might be a good time to share at least some of your secrets Aria. Ella decides to go down memory lane and tells Aria that the letter she received about Byron’s affair was also from “A”. Good times Ella, you should have let her have him. Ella tells Aria not to worry she and Byron will look into it. Good luck with that! I don’t think those two could find their way out of a paper bag. We are back at school, just the building, Emily and Paige are pleased with all the money they raised. Paige says they make a good team—I think she still has the hots for Emily. She tells Emily she came out to her parents. Emily is happy for her. She tells Emily she was able to do it because of Emily. Emily is looking all nervous because Paige is very much in her space. I see a kiss coming, I think Emily also sees it. Saved by a text. Not “A” this time it’s an S.O.S. from Hanna. Hanna called other liars over to tell them about the text Mona got from “A” and about her mother sleeping with Officer Wilden to protect her from shoplifting charges. Side note to my daughter—don’t shoplift—I don’t have the body to get you off. Hanna tells the PLL’s she didn’t tell Mona anything about the texts they have been getting but that she feel like she should. Aria decides to come clean about her secrets. She tells Spencer and Emily about the letters her parents have gotten from “A”. This also outs her about still seeing Ezra. Mean girl Spencer goes on one of her rages. If she can’t have Toby then Aria shouldn’t be able to have Ezra. I wish she would get over herself. While downstairs getting food Hanna gets an email from Caleb. I hope this means we are going to get to see his beautiful face soon. A day without Caleb for me is like a day without abusing a women for Chris Brown. She calls the others down to see what it says. It’s more of the video of the last night in Allison’s bedroom. They think they are about to see Allison’s murder when Melissa bursts through the door demanding to know “where is she”. Linda Blair would have been proud of the head spinning, it would have been a nice touch to have Spencer throw up slip pea soup. To say the poop hit the fan would be an understatement. Aria, Emily and Hanna want to take the video to the police. Spencer says she is not going to be so quick to send her pregnant sister to prison. Hanna says she will. Aria reminds her that Melissa has lied to her so many times, why should she tell the truth now? Even Emily is piling it on. It looks like “A” might finally be getting her wish. They are really turning on each. Spencer begs for one night to talk to Melissa. They begrudgingly give her a day.

Back at the Marin house Mona comes storming into Hanna’s bedroom with a copy of the police report from when Hanna was caught shoplifting. ”A” sent it to Mona threatening to turn Mona in for shoplifting the necklace she took earlier in this episode if she doesn’t give the police report to the Rosewood newspaper. She has until the morning to decide what to do. Mona thinks maybe it is just some kind of sick joke. Hanna tells her it’s not a joke that she has been getting texts for “A” and that the other girls have also. She tells Mona she doesn’t know who is doing it. Mona wants to know what “A” has done to Hanna. Hanna wants tell her, but makes it clear it is not a joke. So much drama tonight. For some reason we now find Spencer in a bar. I guess that is where she and Melissa are going to talk. What better place? She started with a coffee but soon found a tray of shots, this should get good. The “I’m so proper” Spencer even let out a little burp after the shot. There might be a fun bone in her body yet. While Melissa didn’t show up, Wren did. Spencer tells him she is waiting for Melissa so buzz off. Just then she sees Melissa walking to the door, then a horn blows and Melissa turns around and gets in the car with—-wait for it—-Garrett. Is he everything to everybody? Spencer asks why would she get in the car with Garrett she hardly knows him. Wren tells her Melissa has brought Garrett to her OBGYN appointments. GROSS on so many levels. Melissa sends Spencer a text saying her class ran late. Yet another lie from sister dearest. More shots for Spencer.

Ashley comes home from a long day of breaking into old ladies safety deposit boxes (just kidding) to find the police report under some of Hanna’s things. Her life really does suck. While she is probably thinking about taking a giant bottle of zanax with some cheap malt liquor so she can take a dirt nap, the PLLs (minus hammered Spencer) are off to the address the $2,000.00 got them. As predicted earlier, it is of course dark and scary looking, but I was wrong about the thunder storm. When Aria takes a letter out of the mail slot sirens go off and an old man comes out screaming at them. They run for their lives.

Toby who? A very drunk Spencer has gone home with Wren. Does he know how old she is? They both talk about how messed up they are and then start making out. They are cute together but I’m pretty sure Wren could get his own mug shot for this. Spencer is trying her best to take advantage of Wren but he takes the high road and tells her he is very into her but she is drunk so basically it’s not going to happen tonight.

The letter Aria got from the mail slot is addressed to a law firm so Aria and Hanna are going to try to find out something about the law firm while Emily goes out to get them all something to eat. As she’s leaving Emily runs into Paige. Emily breaks down, telling Paige about the fight with Maya and that she hasn’t talked to her since. Paige tells Emily that she needs to see that is who Maya is. When things get tough Maya bails. She tells Emily that Emily needs someone she can count on. Emily hugs Paige as a thank you for the kind words and Paige goes in for the kiss. Too soon Paige. Emily pushes her away and leaves.

Mona tells Hanna she didn’t take the police report to the paper, instead she took the necklace back to the store she took it from. They called the police and she now has to do community service. She says she couldn’t hurt her best friend and her mother. Who knew they were besties? Anyway, Mona came through for them. Later at lunch Mona unwraps an apple that has a note from “A”—-“you didn’t bite the first time but you will—A”. Mona shows the note to Hanna, this gets Mona an invitation to eat at the liars table. I can’t decide if I think this is for real or if Mona is setting them up.

Ashley goes to confront Officer Wilden about sending the police report. Now he’s afraid. He didn’t send it. He wants to know how she got it . She says she found it in Hanna’s things. He says if all this comes out he could lose his job. I think Hanna might have to come clean with her mom now. The group of knowers keeps getting bigger. Emily is still leaving messages for Maya. Soon Emily will be getting the “this mail box is full” message. Give it a rest, Emily.

Ezra has returned from his out of town job interview set up by Aria’s douchebag father. He tells Aria they offered him the job and despite loving her he thinks he should take it. Cue the music—can’t help falling in love. He says hiding their relationship is not working and they know that Byron is on to them. Basically he is breaking up with her but still loves her very much. Well good- that takes the sting out of it. Aria does the Oprah ugly cry while Ezra doesn’t shed a tear. Back at home Ella sees Aria crying and wants to know why. Aria spills it all. Ezra is leaving, you and dad got your way. He is taking the job dad set up for him. Ella says she doesn’t know what Aria is talking about. Aria doesn’t believe her. Aria storms out saying you are losing me. Wait, what happened? I thought they broke up but here we are in Ezra’s apartment having dinner. I guess the break up doesn’t take effect until he moves. Knock, knock, who’s there? Ella is at Ezra’s door. Aria wants to know if she followed her there and if she is going to pull her home by her hair. I would love to see that, but we’ll have to wait for another episode. She is there to listen. The ex-Mr. Swank is not going to be happy about this.

Melissa finally shows up while Spencer is looking at the tape of Melissa in Allison’s room. Melissa doesn’t see the video. Spencer tells her she knows she lied to her and that she saw her get into Garrett’s car. Melissa says she will explain everything but needs to do it away from their house. Mom and Dad can’t hear it-who is she trying to fool? Mom and dad are never there. She tells Spencer she tried to tell her something at Ian’s funeral but couldn’t because their parents couldn’t know it but she needs to tell Spencer now. Am I the only one thinking Ian might still be alive? Spencer seems a little afraid to go with her but she does. She grabs her purse but leaves her phone on the desk. That could be a mistake. That is the last we see of Spencer this week.

We close at the Marin home. Ashley sees the letter Aria took from the address they got from Jonah. Hanna says it was delivered there by mistake. That was one weak lie for a pretty little liar. Ashley says that’s odd that is the law firm she used for the divorce. Hanna asked why she used a law firm so far away, did she know someone there? Yes, she did. Melissa was an intern that summer. The plot thickens. Maybe Spencer should not have gone with Melissa. While this is going on upstairs Emily is answering the door to a cop. It’s very dramatic, the cops say Emily Fields? She says yes. The cop says I need to talk to you about what he says Maya whatever her last name is. Scary music, drums beating eyes popping out of Emilys head. What to think? Has something happened to Maya? Is Emily a suspect or is she the person the cops tell the bad news to? Maybe they cops found Maya’s phone and saw the 4815162342 calls from Emily and want to know if she has OCD or if she is just a lover of Lost. Who knows, just another question. We did finally see the gun that was taken from Mr. Hastings desk a few weeks ago. The black gloved one was taking target practice and the bad news is he/she is an excellent shot. The other bad news is that we didn’t see Caleb tonight. I need my Caleb fix every week. Please, if only for a few brief moments!!

That’s all folks—-until next week—-Got a secret, can you keep it?

My Strange Addiction: Addicted to My Breasts; Tape Eater: Or: The Boob Lady is Proof That We Should Just Call It A Day And Set America On Fire

Tue, 21 Feb 2012 17:21:20 -0600

I don’t know who I’m more excited about: the boob creep or the tape creep. IT’S A TOUGH DECISION.

It’s probably going to be the boob broad. She talks like she’s a mix of deaf and European:

Let’s meet Sheyla. She’s 32 and addicted to her own boobs. (Who isn’t?)

She just stands around a lot making faces at herself in the mirror and wandering around in the wilderness making faces at animals or something. You’d think she was hot. (She isn’t.)

I kind of hate this idiot.

She’s spent $250,000 on surgeries to make these monsters into 38KKK. She’s also had ribs removed so her big boobs will fit on her frame. (Again, who hasn’t?)

I wonder who molested her.

Each boob has 85 fluid ounces of saline. That’s more than a six pack of soda in each breast. And not nearly as delicious.

Seriously, is she deaf?

She says women are always jealous because men can’t stop staring. Yes, jealous is the word you’re looking for. Not sickened or horrified.

She has to be deaf, right? No one with ears sounds like that. RIGHT?

I like when she goes out to eat [alone] and props her big boobs on the table while she sexily sips out of a styrofoam cup.

She’s can’t do anything normal broads do AND she drops pickles she eats with a fork down into her cleavage. (Then she fishes them out and eats them.)

She got her first set of implants when she was 19. Thirteen years and 22 surgeries later she’s a triple k. I can’t stand her. Stop complaining about your back, you idiot. YOU ARE TOO STUPID TO BE ALIVE.

In 2009 she contracted an infection and nearly died. Sadly she didn’t.

“No one can make me happy as much as my breasts can,” she says when talking about how she decided she’ll divorce her husband if he tries to stop her from getting another implant.

Next up, Marietta, Georgia 23-year-old, Andrea. She’s addicted to eating tape. Her addiction began 9 years ago ~~when she was molested~~ when she ran out of gum. That makes sense. I guess Marietta doesn’t have stores. WHY DIDN’T SHE BUY MORE GUM?

She eats 3 rolls a day. Her house is filled with three things: tape dispensers, shoes, tape dispensers in the shape of shoes.

She also has the best pink tinted sunglasses that I’ve ever seen. (Note: I’ve never seen any other ones.)

Andrea eats 14 miles of tape every year. She eats it all day everyday: watching TV, studying, sleeping, running, driving, banging, when she’s: sad, angry, happy, lonely, being molested.

We get it, you love tape. It keeps her calm. You know what keeps me calm? Xanax. Also not eating tape.

Sometimes she doesn’t swallow it. She spits it out all over her house like she’s a hobo or a trucker.

She hides tape everywhere. Including behind the Encyclopedia collection! That’s where I hide everything too.

Andrea has a lot of stomach aches, but she thinks it’s just a coincidence. The sad thing (for humanity, not for Andrea) is that she’s probably right. All these idiots are always healthy.

Back to ~~Deaf~~ Sheyla. While she’s driving around she just admires herself in the mirror. She’s a menace! She meets her trainer friend at the gym. She mostly writhes around the floor, moaning. I’m writhing around on the [bathroom] floor vomiting. I HATE SHEYLA!

Andrea is finally ready to tell her best friend, Brendon, that she eats tape. How does he not already know? What does he think is littering her floors at home? Does he think she just wraps a lot of presents? Is something wrong with his brain? I have a number of questions that I’m sure won’t be addressed by the show.

To be perfectly honest, I don’t really even know what they’re saying here, but it’s safe to say he doesn’t approve, Playa.

This is probably my favorite episode of television ever.

Sheyla is ready for her next surgery. She has to head overseas because no American doctor will work on her. When this [see below] happened in America and no doctor will work on you, you need to rethink your plans.

Sheyla’s friends try to talk her out of the surgery. Oh, just let her go to Brazil. What’s the worst that could happen? She survives?

Back in Marietta, Andrea’s mom sits her down to reprimand her for having tape everywhere. She seems to be more upset about the fact that she spits tape everywhere than she is about the fact that her daughter eats 14 miles of tape a year. I’m mostly upset about her mom’s DENIM SUIT. (I did not know business clothes came in denim.)

She goes to the doctor. He scares her with talk of tumors and stuff, but once he does the tests and exams it’s clear that the world sucks and she’s totally healthy. Aside from reflux. Uh, doesn’t everyone have that? She’s really freaked out by reflux. Luckily she’s too stupid to be a doctor so this scares her enough to cool it with the tape.

Now Sheyla’s getting ready to go to the doctor. But she has to look in the mirror for half an hour before she can leave. She tells the doctor she wants to go to triple M. SAY WHAT? That’s a thing? He threatens her with infection, but she’s just not happy with how she looks. The doctor should just agree to do it and then put her to sleep like an animal. (That should be legal.)

While examining this creep he finds a lump. It’s not even anything bad. GODDAMNIT. I REALLY DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY LIFE IS SO UNFAIR.

Sheyla decides to go ahead with the surgery. Hopefully her Brazilian doctor will take her out back and shoot her.

My Strange Addiction: Dating My Car; Baby Powder Addict:

Sat, 18 Feb 2012 09:59:00 -0600

It’s safe to say the baby powder addict is going to look real normal compared to this other creep.

Nathaniel is a 27-year old who resides in a place that looks an awful lot like that place where the killer played by James Van Der Beek lived when he shot Reid on Criminal Minds. He’s in a serious relationship with his car, Chase. He met Chase in a retail lot about 5 years ago. “His body and his interior and everything together just seemed to fit,” he says of Chase. Uh, you’re just a homosexual. It isn’t 1927, you can date dudes now. You don’t have to rape your car. (It’s not even a nice car.)

This car raping started when he was a kid and liked to build model cars. If I know anything about anything it’s that people who build models of things are some of the worst kind of creeps around. What is the point of glueing tiny pieces together to build something you can’t even do anything with once it’s been put together. You probably can’t even rape a model car. Glue isn’t very strong.

I think Chase might be a Ford. You’re going to rape a Ford?

WHAT MOLESTED THIS CREEP?!?!

Poor Chase.

“We have a lot of the same favorite songs,” Nathaniel says. YOU HAVE THE SAME FAVORITE SONGS BECAUSE YOU SHOVE CASSETTE TAPES INTO HIM RIGHT BEFORE YOU RAPE HIM.

I NEVER WANT TO SEE NATHANIEL RAPE HIS CAR AGAIN. He likes to rub his body against Chase’s hood. Then he gets underneath Chase and kisses his grill. STOP THIS NOW. You are on TV. WE CAN SEE WHAT IS HAPPENING. I hope Chase slams himself into a tree.

Nathaniel is going to rape the hell out of a human at some point in the near future. WHY IS HE NOT IN JAIL?!?! His mustache alone could be used as evidence.

“If everyone found out I’d be worried it would effect my job,” Nathaniel says. I ask this everyday, DO THESE PEOPLE NOT UNDERSTAND HOW TELEVISION WORKS? There is a camera, it records you, then it plays on national television, then we see it. THE END.

Up next is Jaye, a 28-year-old who is addicted to snorting baby powder. By snorting I should explain that I mean she likes to shove spoons of it up against her nose.

She’s a dusty mess.

She must really stink. There are only a few things that smell worse than baby powder.

Her addiction started 16 years ago. She used to just rub it all over her body, but now she shoves it up her nose and rolls around in it. She snorts 5 ounces a day. More than 1800 pounds since this all started. Everything in her house has a thick layer of white powder covering it. It’s EVERYWHERE. She doesn’t understand why it’s everywhere and it doesn’t seem to cross her mind that vacuums exist.

Nathaniel’s roommate, Kim, has no neck. It’s just all face. She and Nathaniel sit around talking about his intimate relationship (both emotionally and sexually) with Chase. She tells him he needs a therapist. Uh, we’re past that, Kim. Bitch needs a lobotomy with an icepick.

Back to Jaye. She’s decided to tell her friend Larry about her addiction. He’s legally blind so she’s been able to shove it up her nose right in front of him without him noticing the dust cloud surrounding her. He’s somewhat freaked out by this. He’s concerned about her health or something. But she’s sure it’s not doing any harm.

The worst conversation I’ve ever been a part of takes place next. Nathaniel tells his dad that he’s dating (and raping) his car. This conversation takes place over Chase, while Nathaniel strokes and humps Chase. “You’re in an intimate relationship…with your car? And a sexual relationship…with your car? Your car. It’s your car,” his dad says. You should probably leave now, Dad. Just don’t come back. JUST LEAVE. You don’t want any part of this.

I’m really uncomfortable. Although it’s safe to say I’m not as uncomfortable as Nathaniel’s dad. I’d rather have a murderer for a child than a car rapist.

“Was it because of the divorce,” his dad asks him. Yeah, this is what divorce does. Let’s blame that. That makes sense.

Nathaniel agrees to see a therapist, but not to change him. Er…then to do what?

Jaye and her friend meet to discuss the baby powder problem. Jaye is like, bitch you being judgmental, back it up, bitch. Watch yo self, bitch.

Her friend watches her shove a spoon of baby powder up her nose. “You don’t think nothing is wrong with what you doing right now?” she asks. (Her grammar, not mine.) Nope, Jaye thinks it’s normal. But then Denise (the friend, not Huxtable) agrees to see a doctor even though she doesn’t want to change. So this will go well.

Jaye goes to the doctor to have some tests run. He’s worried some is going to go into her lungs and kill her. Per usual on this show, she’s totally healthy. It makes total sense that Steve Jobs was killed by cancer, but this useless sack of nonsense is just free to live her pointless life of being a creep, unharmed. EVERYTHING MAKES SENSE IN THE WORLD.

Nathaniel meets a therapist who is somehow able to keep a straight face and not run out of the room. If I were the therapist I would pretend I had to go to the bathroom and I’d NEVER COME BACK.

Nathaniel claims he’s had girlfriends. Uh, OK. That makes sense. At the end of the show he’s still in his committed relationship with Chase. Chase, on the other hand, keeps trying to keep his engine running in a closed garage.

Teen Mom: Love Will Tear Us Apart; Or: The One Jessica Plautz (a stranger) Forced Me to Write

Fri, 17 Feb 2012 12:44:00 -0600

I would like for shows to cool it with this 90 minute business. Squeeze everything into an hour, please.

Jenellle is on her way to rehab in California. She claims to miss Jace. I wish she wasn’t a liar. I’m glad she wore her tie-dye hoodie to rehab. It’s such a good look. If someone could send me one I’d be really appreciative.

Rehab looks terrible if you’re poor. “I probably have a blunt wrapper in there,” she says to the rehab attendant. Then she tests positive for blunts. NICE WORK!

The next morning she meets with the her primary therapist. She’s still wearing her tie-dye hoodie. She gets a list of rules that sound terrible. Rehab is the worst. You can’t even get high there. She tells the therapist that she needs to address her issues with her mother, because that crazy bitch sends Jenelle into a rage that only results in the smoking of weed.

Kailyn is supposed to be studying, but she’s more concerned about the fact that she and Jo banged again. Her friend feigns shock, but she doesn’t really seem all that shocked. “Are you gonna tell Jordan,” she asks. Uh, do none of these people realize how TV works? WE CAN ALL SEE YOU. SURPRISE! YOU JUST TOLD HIM!

Chelsea is focusing on her GED or something. She’s taking the writing portion today. Somehow she passed the practice test last week. (She obviously cheated.) After the test she talks to her mom about going to ~~college~~ beauty school. Let’s not jump the gun, Mom, she has to pass the GED. Her mom invites her to the car show. (Her mom wants to go so she try to meet a man. That is a true story.)

Leah is staying at her mom’s until her new house is ready. Let’s back up a little, Leah. It’s a trailer. You don’t have a house. It’s safe to say you’ve probably never actually stepped foot in a house.

Um, Corey reads IN THE NEWSPAPER (apparently those are still a thing) that Leah filed for divorce. I’ve never been divorced, but I’d venture to guess that’s not usually how it works. Corey calls his dad to tell him the news but on top of his mumbling accent, those hounds from a few weeks ago are fighting in the background so I came away with very little from this conversation.

Seriously, who does Leah’s hair? That person needs to be set on fire.

Leah spent all of her money on the lawyer so she has to borrow some from her mom to pay for her trailer. Did she hire Johnny Cochran? Is he still alive? She’s constantly having to choose between two things that I would never have known would have cost the same amount: a trailer vs truck, trailer vs lawyer. It’s confusing to follow the lives of poor people.

Everyone at Jenelle’s rehab sounds like they should be working at the Delta Airlines call center.

Chelsea goes to the car show with her mom. Her mom picks up a dude and Chelsea sees Adam so she ruins everything for her mom. They have a real moving heart to heart. Well, it would be moving if I cared one iota about Chelsea.

Kailyn is studying computer jargon. What?

Elsewhere, Jo and his brother, Junior, talk about banging Kailyn last night [in the shower]. I don’t know why he felt the need to tell us all where it happened. (I, for one, didn’t need to know the details.)

Leah’s mom looks like she didn’t fully develop in the womb. I say that about so many people on this show. Her skull looks soft. Anyway, apparently photos from Leah’s wedding arrived that very day. The Raccoon has a breakdown looking at them.

Chelsea gets the results for her GED. She passed. Who’d she bang to get that score? How easy is the GED? The dumbest person on Earth must be able to pass it if she did.

Jenelle is gay for PINK.™ Can you imagine if they made tie-dye clothes? HER HEAD WOULD EXPLODE.

Jenelle’s therapist makes her describe herself in three words. She picks impulsive (check!), smart (eh) and angry (duh!). She’s REAL upset because she’s so bored and she can’t smoke. “It just sucks because I smoke pot every single day and now I have to stop.” Uh, that’s how rehab works. (Add that to the list of things these idiots don’t understand how they work: television, rehab)

Leah goes to look at her $3000 ~~house~~ trailer. “It’s really not that bad at all,” she says. That’s exactly the way I want to speak about the first ~~trailer~~ house I buy.

I really cannot get past how ugly Leah is.

Jordan is headed over to Kailyn’s. She’s going to tell him about the shower she took the other day. She just jumps right into it. Jordan is monotone. “I’m always going to have this bond with him,” she says to justify her whoriness. Um, I have a bond with a few people, but I don’t shower with them. Jordan shows some signs of life and kind of yells.

Jordan wanders out of the house with a giant plastic container of stuff.

Chelsea is STILL roaming around thinking about Adam. Aubrey is supposed to go stay with Adam’s parents, but Adam is now coming to pick her up. “I don’t like this. You have a good job, you’re focusing on your GED. You’re going to start beauty school like you wanted to,” her mom says when she finds out Adam is on his way over. Uh, last time I checked “tanning bed cleaner at Brown Year Round” wasn’t a good job. Let’s talk when she’s a doctor, Chelsea’s Mom.

Her mom warns her about getting back together with Adam. Uh, Adam hates her. Why is there even this talk?

Jenelle has been in rehab for two weeks so she finally gets her cell phone and computer back. Kiefer has been texting and leaving her voicemails. He’s being a real bitch about their breakup. Jenelle calls him and tells him she’s focusing on herself. The ol’ classic “I’m focusing on myself” line, eh?

Jenelle and her therapist call Barbara to inform her Jenelle may be bipolar. Um, I’m no scientist, but I could have told you that. Nice work, doctors. The doctor shuts this phone call right down when the two monsters start fighting.

Leah hasn’t seen or talked to Corey in two weeks. She’s meeting him and his dad at the lawyer’s office to drop off the girls so Corey can have them for the weekend. It’s REAL emotional. (Or it would be if I cared about this raccoon monster.)

Kailyn’s wet perm is stunning. These broads have the best hair!

She and her friend Kara are sitting around in Kailyn’s hobo kitchen talking about how she told Jordan she cheated on him. Kailyn seems to collect empty water bottles. They’re displayed everywhere. It’s a good look.

Chelsea WILL NOT COOL IT ABOUT ADAM. She pretends like she’s not so excited to see him when he picks up Aubrey. Adam looks like he’s a part time meth-lab janitor.

Adam invites Chelsea over to his house to “catch up.” She’s the dumbest broad on the planet and says yes. GIRLS ARE TOO STUPID TO BE ALIVE.

Cool white sunglasses and barbed wire armband tattoo, dude.

Jenelle gets to video chat with Barbara and Jace. Barbara mostly shows her old lady boobs to the camera. Barbara is real proud of Jenelle. I’m sure that’ll stick!

The following day Jenelle is discharged. This should be good.

Leah has to go divide her belongings with Corey. She’s a mess about it. How much good stuff can either of them have that this is something to be upset about?

Chelsea is a giggly Sue when Adam calls her to come ride on his hog. Her tongue ring is aflutter. “Don’t judge me,” she says to her mom. We’re all judging you, idiot.

Who rides a motorcycle in fliflops? I ~~kind of~~ hope she loses a foot.

Kailyn decides she wants to give her relationship with Jo another chance so she asks him over to talk. I’m on the edge of my seat with these two. He just wants to live his life or some such nonsense. She cries. Again, broads are so stupid. Of course he just wanted to bang you because you had a boyfriend, not because he wanted to marry you. IDIOT!

Jenelle heads to the airport in a sequined hat. That’s all I have to say about her return to Oak Island.

I wonder how long it’ll be before she goes into a rage. (I say 15 minutes, tops. And 7 minutes before she’s stoned.)

Jenelle shows Barbara and Jace the ugly crap she brought them back from LA. I cannot believe someone actually sold those two items.

Leah is on her way to divide up her stuff. It’s going to be so hard to choose who gets the tube TVs, broken 4-wheelers, pleather love seat and pregnant hounds. HOW CAN YOU BEAR TO LOSE ANY OF THAT GOOD STUFF?!?

That trailer still terrifies me through the television. I need a Tetanus shot. Leah should really being wearing shoes inside that hellhole.

That was all very draining to watch.