Recap THIS

Dance Moms: Bullets & Ballet; Or: The One Where There Are Guns [That Sadly Aren't Used to Kill Anyone]

Wed, 22 Feb 2012 14:50:00 -0600

It’s that time of the week again! Watching a fat broad yell at some kids!

I hope Jill wears another cowboy hat this week.

Did Brooke get a perm? What’s wrong with her hair?

Anyway, Fatty McDance does a little of her usual berating the girls about their last performance. Then she moves on to talk about this weekend’s show. It’s in Pittsburgh! Their home turf! There is a lot of pressure. So Fatty has decided to do a routine involving guns. Fingers crossed they’re real and someone (Melissa!) gets shot!

Pyramid time. Mackenzie is back on the bottom. Her time up top was certainly short lived. Nia, Kendall and Maddie round out the bottom. Maddie is shocked. SHE IS SHOCKED. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Melissa is pissed.

The middle row consists of Chloe and ~~Permy~~ Brooke. Paige is on the top! Everyone (aside from Maddie and Melissa) are so excited for her!

Everyone is performing this week except for Mackenzie. Kendall has been kicked out of the trio. Her old lady face shows signs of anger and sadness.

The moms head up to drink or sit in the OBSERVATION MEZZANINE why the girls are taught PRIVATE EYES, their routine for the week.

Holly and Jill are fighting about trios. Holly is mad Nia has never been in on. Jill is mad that Kendall was taken out of the one she was in. She’s also mad that Holly is mad. I am mad that Jill is mad that Holly is mad, etc.

Jill has a new present for Fatty McD. A bench dedicated to her. Good luck with that, Jill. Fatty McDance is going to crush the life out of a bench.

All the other moms think Jill is a loser. Get in line, moms.

The moms are also not pleased with this week’s dance. No one seems to be. Nia and Kendall mess up in practice and are forced to do pushups. It’s like they’re athletes or something.

Jill heads downstairs to check on Kendall and to yell at Abby, but she chickens out and bends over for McDance.

The trio routine this week is called Over & Over. It’s contemporary and I’m sure it tells a story I won’t understand. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND STORIES TOLD THROUGH DANCE.

The girls are supposed to already know Over & Over, but Paige is a big failure and doesn’t know what she’s doing. Kelly goes downstairs to rescue Paige. Paige cries and cries. Kelly babbles about the fact that she’s (Kelly) has been with Abby since she was 2. HOW OLD IS FATTY MCDANCE? 70?

Paige needs to man up. She also needs to get a stylist. She’d be so cute if she didn’t dress like she’s an extra in Shag: The Movie™ (While that might be one of my favorite movies EVER, I wouldn’t want to dress like any of them.)

Fatty McDance screams at the trio for being idiots some more.

It’s two days to the competition and there’s more yelling. The girls finally get their prop guns. Maddie lets us all know that she’s totally fine with using prop guns. I’m glad we cleared that up.

Guess who doesn’t think the gunplay is appropriate? Resident killjoy, HOLLY. I am so glad she’s not my mom. She sucks the life out of life.

Chloe’s solo is a lyrical routine. Whatever that means. I don’t pay attention to the dance jargon. (Also, as I’ve said, I don’t understand it.)

Maddie’s solo is called EVERY LITTLE STEP. McDance calls it mature and elegant. Just like a classy stripper!

Abby continues to rehearse with the trio, while Kendall is forced to run the music for the other girls. Jill is so angry. WHAT’S NEW? She’s really nervous to talk to Abby about it, but she finally goes down and tells Abby to start teaching Kendall. This goes over well.

Abby looks like a pimp on competition day. So it makes sense that she has the girls dressed up like tiny prostitutes.

I don’t even understand Chloe’s abs. She has a 12 pack. She and her abs dance the hell out of her lyrical solo. I’m so glad she doesn’t have that creepy smile that Maddie and Brooke have when they dance.

Maddie is nervous that she’s going to fall again. GET IT TOGETHER, MADDIE.

She doesn’t fall. She does great.

Fatty McDance praises Chloe. For the first time ever. Of course she has to then kiss Maddie’s ass.

The Maddie/Chloe/Paige trio is up next. The spacing is a mess. And Maddie is 15 steps ahead of everyone. GET IT TOGETHER, LITTLE BROADS.

My least favorite dance move (after that legs over head thing Brooke does) is the split. Gross.

Maddie comes in first in the solos. What? Why?

Their trio comes in second. FAILURES. YOU GIRLS ARE FAILURES. Fatty McDance blames Paige for this. (I totally thought it was Maddie’s fault. But no one can speak ill of the chosen one.)

Fatty McDance says she’s been teaching dance for 31 years, but earlier Kelly said she has been with Fatty since she was 2. Which would make Kelly 33 now. THERE IS NO WAY THAT IS POSSIBLE. She’s at least 45. 33? WHAT?! No.

Abby pretends to shoot the moms. I WISH THIS WOULD REALLY HAPPEN. SOMEONE GIVE HER A REAL GUN.

The girls do their gun routine. It’s like the worst James Bond movie I’ve ever seen. I hope no asshole in the future decides to make James Bond into a musical.

The group wins the group jazz category. Jill says it wasn’t that great because the routine wasn’t dynamic enough. Shut up, Jill. SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH. No one thinks you’re great.

Pretty Little Liars: Breaking the Code; Or: The [1000th] One My Mom Recapped

Tue, 21 Feb 2012 19:36:53 -0600

It’s just another day at Rosswood High. Three weeks in a row the girls have gone to school. Please don’t confuse going to class with being in the building. No one has had an actual class since Mr. Fitz taught sex education. There are some trolls roaming the halls, I guess they can’t all be pretty little liars. I picked a great place to pause one of the “students” is closer to my age than high school age and lets just say my yesterdays out number my tomorrows. And don’t get me started on her friend, also a little long in the tooth and speaking of teeth she could eat corn on the cob through a picket fence with those buck teeth and I’m not a dermatologist but she needs to have that giant mole on her chest looked at. I can’t wait to get back to the pretty girls. The PLL’s are gathered around Spencer’s locker, discussing meeting up with Jonah, the guy they discovered from the claim ticket. The girls want to know how Spencer got the $2,000.00 and she says from a family member. So sweet she already thinks of Jason as a family member. Maybe he can be the family she never had. Everyone at school except the PLLs are dressed for winter, coats, sweaters, scarf’s but our girls, all except Spencer, look like they might be headed to a S&M convention. Too much cleavage for school. I’m pretty sure Aria is wearing a dog collar. Emily is not too happy to find out only Spencer and Aria will be meeting the guy. As Emily is stating her case for going with them Spencer cuts her off as only Spencer can. The bitch has spoken—off with your head. I think Emily is going to cry, her emotions are raw right now (Maya). Maybe Spencer could be a bit less bitchy. Hanna is in Hanna-land and as far as I can tell she doesn’t even know what they are talking about. Mona comes up to finalize the mall plans with Hanna who, of course, doesn’t remember they were going. She tells Mona her mom needs her and they can go tomorrow. Looks like Mona is going to be “A’s” target this week. As Hanna blows her off she gets a text—Hanna’s Mommy saved her ass, who’s gonna save your?-A. Poor Mona, no friends and now A wants a piece of her.

At the Marin home Officer Wilden has stopped by to ask Hanna a few more questions. I think he still has a thing for Ashley and like daughter like mother—she is showing all the cleavage modern medicine gave her. She makes him leave without speaking to Hanna. Words of advice to Ashley, creeps will leave you alone if you start wearing sweats and you will be oh so much more comfortable. Throw away those spanx put the soft clothes on, grab a bag or two of chips and veg out to a day of the Kardashian girls doing everything and everybody.

The prodigal daughter has returned. Just what we need more doom and gloom. Spencer tells Melissa that Jason is their half brother. She takes it pretty well. Spencer tells her she thinks Allison knew. Melissa wants to know if anyone else knows. When Spencer says no Melissa says lets keep it that way. Emily is desperately trying to get in touch with Maya. I will say again I think their is more to Maya than meets the eye. I don’t trust her at all. Paige thinks maybe she can help Emily get over Maya. She invites Emily to help her with the fundraiser. Emily agrees to help maybe because Paige is looking much better since coming out. I almost didn’t recognize her.

It seems Mona was able to shop and shoplift without Hanna. She is at Hanna’s house showing all the dresses, trying to get Hanna to help her decide what to wear to the party. Hanna is not at all interested until Mona gets another text that upsets her. She tells Hanna that she has been getting texts about Hanna’s mom and her involvement with Officer Wilden. Now she has Hanna’s attention! Meanwhile, Spencer and Aria are meeting with Jonah. He’s not happy Aria didn’t come alone. Tough girl Spencer says she has the money. There’s a little back and forth “mine are bigger than yours” between Spencer and Jonah (Spencer really should have been a man) before Aria grabs the money from Spencer and gives it to Jonah. He gives them a piece of paper with only an address on it. They chase after him for a name but he says that is all he has and that Vivian was happy with it. He says the text came from a burner phone so all he could get was the address. They Google it. It’s only 20 minutes away so off they go. They have to put that plan on hold because as they are leaving they see creepy Garrett has been stalking them. He is just sitting there in that God awful car wanting them to see he is watching them. I think we all know they wouldn’t have gone anyway, it’s not the middle of the night yet. I’m guessing checking out the mystery address will require the dead of night and maybe rain. I’ll let you know when we get there.

Ella shows Aria the note that was left on Byron’s car. She asks Aria if she knows who A might be. Aria says no which technically isn’t a lie. Now might be a good time to share at least some of your secrets Aria. Ella decides to go down memory lane and tells Aria that the letter she received about Byron’s affair was also from “A”. Good times Ella, you should have let her have him. Ella tells Aria not to worry she and Byron will look into it. Good luck with that! I don’t think those two could find their way out of a paper bag. We are back at school, just the building, Emily and Paige are pleased with all the money they raised. Paige says they make a good team—I think she still has the hots for Emily. She tells Emily she came out to her parents. Emily is happy for her. She tells Emily she was able to do it because of Emily. Emily is looking all nervous because Paige is very much in her space. I see a kiss coming, I think Emily also sees it. Saved by a text. Not “A” this time it’s an S.O.S. from Hanna. Hanna called other liars over to tell them about the text Mona got from “A” and about her mother sleeping with Officer Wilden to protect her from shoplifting charges. Side note to my daughter—don’t shoplift—I don’t have the body to get you off. Hanna tells the PLL’s she didn’t tell Mona anything about the texts they have been getting but that she feel like she should. Aria decides to come clean about her secrets. She tells Spencer and Emily about the letters her parents have gotten from “A”. This also outs her about still seeing Ezra. Mean girl Spencer goes on one of her rages. If she can’t have Toby then Aria shouldn’t be able to have Ezra. I wish she would get over herself. While downstairs getting food Hanna gets an email from Caleb. I hope this means we are going to get to see his beautiful face soon. A day without Caleb for me is like a day without abusing a women for Chris Brown. She calls the others down to see what it says. It’s more of the video of the last night in Allison’s bedroom. They think they are about to see Allison’s murder when Melissa bursts through the door demanding to know “where is she”. Linda Blair would have been proud of the head spinning, it would have been a nice touch to have Spencer throw up slip pea soup. To say the poop hit the fan would be an understatement. Aria, Emily and Hanna want to take the video to the police. Spencer says she is not going to be so quick to send her pregnant sister to prison. Hanna says she will. Aria reminds her that Melissa has lied to her so many times, why should she tell the truth now? Even Emily is piling it on. It looks like “A” might finally be getting her wish. They are really turning on each. Spencer begs for one night to talk to Melissa. They begrudgingly give her a day.

Back at the Marin house Mona comes storming into Hanna’s bedroom with a copy of the police report from when Hanna was caught shoplifting. ”A” sent it to Mona threatening to turn Mona in for shoplifting the necklace she took earlier in this episode if she doesn’t give the police report to the Rosewood newspaper. She has until the morning to decide what to do. Mona thinks maybe it is just some kind of sick joke. Hanna tells her it’s not a joke that she has been getting texts for “A” and that the other girls have also. She tells Mona she doesn’t know who is doing it. Mona wants to know what “A” has done to Hanna. Hanna wants tell her, but makes it clear it is not a joke. So much drama tonight. For some reason we now find Spencer in a bar. I guess that is where she and Melissa are going to talk. What better place? She started with a coffee but soon found a tray of shots, this should get good. The “I’m so proper” Spencer even let out a little burp after the shot. There might be a fun bone in her body yet. While Melissa didn’t show up, Wren did. Spencer tells him she is waiting for Melissa so buzz off. Just then she sees Melissa walking to the door, then a horn blows and Melissa turns around and gets in the car with—-wait for it—-Garrett. Is he everything to everybody? Spencer asks why would she get in the car with Garrett she hardly knows him. Wren tells her Melissa has brought Garrett to her OBGYN appointments. GROSS on so many levels. Melissa sends Spencer a text saying her class ran late. Yet another lie from sister dearest. More shots for Spencer.

Ashley comes home from a long day of breaking into old ladies safety deposit boxes (just kidding) to find the police report under some of Hanna’s things. Her life really does suck. While she is probably thinking about taking a giant bottle of zanax with some cheap malt liquor so she can take a dirt nap, the PLLs (minus hammered Spencer) are off to the address the $2,000.00 got them. As predicted earlier, it is of course dark and scary looking, but I was wrong about the thunder storm. When Aria takes a letter out of the mail slot sirens go off and an old man comes out screaming at them. They run for their lives.

Toby who? A very drunk Spencer has gone home with Wren. Does he know how old she is? They both talk about how messed up they are and then start making out. They are cute together but I’m pretty sure Wren could get his own mug shot for this. Spencer is trying her best to take advantage of Wren but he takes the high road and tells her he is very into her but she is drunk so basically it’s not going to happen tonight.

The letter Aria got from the mail slot is addressed to a law firm so Aria and Hanna are going to try to find out something about the law firm while Emily goes out to get them all something to eat. As she’s leaving Emily runs into Paige. Emily breaks down, telling Paige about the fight with Maya and that she hasn’t talked to her since. Paige tells Emily that she needs to see that is who Maya is. When things get tough Maya bails. She tells Emily that Emily needs someone she can count on. Emily hugs Paige as a thank you for the kind words and Paige goes in for the kiss. Too soon Paige. Emily pushes her away and leaves.

Mona tells Hanna she didn’t take the police report to the paper, instead she took the necklace back to the store she took it from. They called the police and she now has to do community service. She says she couldn’t hurt her best friend and her mother. Who knew they were besties? Anyway, Mona came through for them. Later at lunch Mona unwraps an apple that has a note from “A”—-“you didn’t bite the first time but you will—A”. Mona shows the note to Hanna, this gets Mona an invitation to eat at the liars table. I can’t decide if I think this is for real or if Mona is setting them up.

Ashley goes to confront Officer Wilden about sending the police report. Now he’s afraid. He didn’t send it. He wants to know how she got it . She says she found it in Hanna’s things. He says if all this comes out he could lose his job. I think Hanna might have to come clean with her mom now. The group of knowers keeps getting bigger. Emily is still leaving messages for Maya. Soon Emily will be getting the “this mail box is full” message. Give it a rest, Emily.

Ezra has returned from his out of town job interview set up by Aria’s douchebag father. He tells Aria they offered him the job and despite loving her he thinks he should take it. Cue the music—can’t help falling in love. He says hiding their relationship is not working and they know that Byron is on to them. Basically he is breaking up with her but still loves her very much. Well good- that takes the sting out of it. Aria does the Oprah ugly cry while Ezra doesn’t shed a tear. Back at home Ella sees Aria crying and wants to know why. Aria spills it all. Ezra is leaving, you and dad got your way. He is taking the job dad set up for him. Ella says she doesn’t know what Aria is talking about. Aria doesn’t believe her. Aria storms out saying you are losing me. Wait, what happened? I thought they broke up but here we are in Ezra’s apartment having dinner. I guess the break up doesn’t take effect until he moves. Knock, knock, who’s there? Ella is at Ezra’s door. Aria wants to know if she followed her there and if she is going to pull her home by her hair. I would love to see that, but we’ll have to wait for another episode. She is there to listen. The ex-Mr. Swank is not going to be happy about this.

Melissa finally shows up while Spencer is looking at the tape of Melissa in Allison’s room. Melissa doesn’t see the video. Spencer tells her she knows she lied to her and that she saw her get into Garrett’s car. Melissa says she will explain everything but needs to do it away from their house. Mom and Dad can’t hear it-who is she trying to fool? Mom and dad are never there. She tells Spencer she tried to tell her something at Ian’s funeral but couldn’t because their parents couldn’t know it but she needs to tell Spencer now. Am I the only one thinking Ian might still be alive? Spencer seems a little afraid to go with her but she does. She grabs her purse but leaves her phone on the desk. That could be a mistake. That is the last we see of Spencer this week.

We close at the Marin home. Ashley sees the letter Aria took from the address they got from Jonah. Hanna says it was delivered there by mistake. That was one weak lie for a pretty little liar. Ashley says that’s odd that is the law firm she used for the divorce. Hanna asked why she used a law firm so far away, did she know someone there? Yes, she did. Melissa was an intern that summer. The plot thickens. Maybe Spencer should not have gone with Melissa. While this is going on upstairs Emily is answering the door to a cop. It’s very dramatic, the cops say Emily Fields? She says yes. The cop says I need to talk to you about what he says Maya whatever her last name is. Scary music, drums beating eyes popping out of Emilys head. What to think? Has something happened to Maya? Is Emily a suspect or is she the person the cops tell the bad news to? Maybe they cops found Maya’s phone and saw the 4815162342 calls from Emily and want to know if she has OCD or if she is just a lover of Lost. Who knows, just another question. We did finally see the gun that was taken from Mr. Hastings desk a few weeks ago. The black gloved one was taking target practice and the bad news is he/she is an excellent shot. The other bad news is that we didn’t see Caleb tonight. I need my Caleb fix every week. Please, if only for a few brief moments!!

That’s all folks—-until next week—-Got a secret, can you keep it?

My Strange Addiction: Addicted to My Breasts; Tape Eater: Or: The Boob Lady is Proof That We Should Just Call It A Day And Set America On Fire

Tue, 21 Feb 2012 17:21:20 -0600

I don’t know who I’m more excited about: the boob creep or the tape creep. IT’S A TOUGH DECISION.

It’s probably going to be the boob broad. She talks like she’s a mix of deaf and European:

Let’s meet Sheyla. She’s 32 and addicted to her own boobs. (Who isn’t?)

She just stands around a lot making faces at herself in the mirror and wandering around in the wilderness making faces at animals or something. You’d think she was hot. (She isn’t.)

I kind of hate this idiot.

She’s spent $250,000 on surgeries to make these monsters into 38KKK. She’s also had ribs removed so her big boobs will fit on her frame. (Again, who hasn’t?)

I wonder who molested her.

Each boob has 85 fluid ounces of saline. That’s more than a six pack of soda in each breast. And not nearly as delicious.

Seriously, is she deaf?

She says women are always jealous because men can’t stop staring. Yes, jealous is the word you’re looking for. Not sickened or horrified.

She has to be deaf, right? No one with ears sounds like that. RIGHT?

I like when she goes out to eat [alone] and props her big boobs on the table while she sexily sips out of a styrofoam cup.

She’s can’t do anything normal broads do AND she drops pickles she eats with a fork down into her cleavage. (Then she fishes them out and eats them.)

She got her first set of implants when she was 19. Thirteen years and 22 surgeries later she’s a triple k. I can’t stand her. Stop complaining about your back, you idiot. YOU ARE TOO STUPID TO BE ALIVE.

In 2009 she contracted an infection and nearly died. Sadly she didn’t.

“No one can make me happy as much as my breasts can,” she says when talking about how she decided she’ll divorce her husband if he tries to stop her from getting another implant.

Next up, Marietta, Georgia 23-year-old, Andrea. She’s addicted to eating tape. Her addiction began 9 years ago ~~when she was molested~~ when she ran out of gum. That makes sense. I guess Marietta doesn’t have stores. WHY DIDN’T SHE BUY MORE GUM?

She eats 3 rolls a day. Her house is filled with three things: tape dispensers, shoes, tape dispensers in the shape of shoes.

She also has the best pink tinted sunglasses that I’ve ever seen. (Note: I’ve never seen any other ones.)

Andrea eats 14 miles of tape every year. She eats it all day everyday: watching TV, studying, sleeping, running, driving, banging, when she’s: sad, angry, happy, lonely, being molested.

We get it, you love tape. It keeps her calm. You know what keeps me calm? Xanax. Also not eating tape.

Sometimes she doesn’t swallow it. She spits it out all over her house like she’s a hobo or a trucker.

She hides tape everywhere. Including behind the Encyclopedia collection! That’s where I hide everything too.

Andrea has a lot of stomach aches, but she thinks it’s just a coincidence. The sad thing (for humanity, not for Andrea) is that she’s probably right. All these idiots are always healthy.

Back to ~~Deaf~~ Sheyla. While she’s driving around she just admires herself in the mirror. She’s a menace! She meets her trainer friend at the gym. She mostly writhes around the floor, moaning. I’m writhing around on the [bathroom] floor vomiting. I HATE SHEYLA!

Andrea is finally ready to tell her best friend, Brendon, that she eats tape. How does he not already know? What does he think is littering her floors at home? Does he think she just wraps a lot of presents? Is something wrong with his brain? I have a number of questions that I’m sure won’t be addressed by the show.

To be perfectly honest, I don’t really even know what they’re saying here, but it’s safe to say he doesn’t approve, Playa.

This is probably my favorite episode of television ever.

Sheyla is ready for her next surgery. She has to head overseas because no American doctor will work on her. When this [see below] happened in America and no doctor will work on you, you need to rethink your plans.

Sheyla’s friends try to talk her out of the surgery. Oh, just let her go to Brazil. What’s the worst that could happen? She survives?

Back in Marietta, Andrea’s mom sits her down to reprimand her for having tape everywhere. She seems to be more upset about the fact that she spits tape everywhere than she is about the fact that her daughter eats 14 miles of tape a year. I’m mostly upset about her mom’s DENIM SUIT. (I did not know business clothes came in denim.)

She goes to the doctor. He scares her with talk of tumors and stuff, but once he does the tests and exams it’s clear that the world sucks and she’s totally healthy. Aside from reflux. Uh, doesn’t everyone have that? She’s really freaked out by reflux. Luckily she’s too stupid to be a doctor so this scares her enough to cool it with the tape.

Now Sheyla’s getting ready to go to the doctor. But she has to look in the mirror for half an hour before she can leave. She tells the doctor she wants to go to triple M. SAY WHAT? That’s a thing? He threatens her with infection, but she’s just not happy with how she looks. The doctor should just agree to do it and then put her to sleep like an animal. (That should be legal.)

While examining this creep he finds a lump. It’s not even anything bad. GODDAMNIT. I REALLY DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY LIFE IS SO UNFAIR.

Sheyla decides to go ahead with the surgery. Hopefully her Brazilian doctor will take her out back and shoot her.

My Strange Addiction: Dating My Car; Baby Powder Addict:

Sat, 18 Feb 2012 09:59:00 -0600

It’s safe to say the baby powder addict is going to look real normal compared to this other creep.

Nathaniel is a 27-year old who resides in a place that looks an awful lot like that place where the killer played by James Van Der Beek lived when he shot Reid on Criminal Minds. He’s in a serious relationship with his car, Chase. He met Chase in a retail lot about 5 years ago. “His body and his interior and everything together just seemed to fit,” he says of Chase. Uh, you’re just a homosexual. It isn’t 1927, you can date dudes now. You don’t have to rape your car. (It’s not even a nice car.)

This car raping started when he was a kid and liked to build model cars. If I know anything about anything it’s that people who build models of things are some of the worst kind of creeps around. What is the point of glueing tiny pieces together to build something you can’t even do anything with once it’s been put together. You probably can’t even rape a model car. Glue isn’t very strong.

I think Chase might be a Ford. You’re going to rape a Ford?

WHAT MOLESTED THIS CREEP?!?!

Poor Chase.

“We have a lot of the same favorite songs,” Nathaniel says. YOU HAVE THE SAME FAVORITE SONGS BECAUSE YOU SHOVE CASSETTE TAPES INTO HIM RIGHT BEFORE YOU RAPE HIM.

I NEVER WANT TO SEE NATHANIEL RAPE HIS CAR AGAIN. He likes to rub his body against Chase’s hood. Then he gets underneath Chase and kisses his grill. STOP THIS NOW. You are on TV. WE CAN SEE WHAT IS HAPPENING. I hope Chase slams himself into a tree.

Nathaniel is going to rape the hell out of a human at some point in the near future. WHY IS HE NOT IN JAIL?!?! His mustache alone could be used as evidence.

“If everyone found out I’d be worried it would effect my job,” Nathaniel says. I ask this everyday, DO THESE PEOPLE NOT UNDERSTAND HOW TELEVISION WORKS? There is a camera, it records you, then it plays on national television, then we see it. THE END.

Up next is Jaye, a 28-year-old who is addicted to snorting baby powder. By snorting I should explain that I mean she likes to shove spoons of it up against her nose.

She’s a dusty mess.

She must really stink. There are only a few things that smell worse than baby powder.

Her addiction started 16 years ago. She used to just rub it all over her body, but now she shoves it up her nose and rolls around in it. She snorts 5 ounces a day. More than 1800 pounds since this all started. Everything in her house has a thick layer of white powder covering it. It’s EVERYWHERE. She doesn’t understand why it’s everywhere and it doesn’t seem to cross her mind that vacuums exist.

Nathaniel’s roommate, Kim, has no neck. It’s just all face. She and Nathaniel sit around talking about his intimate relationship (both emotionally and sexually) with Chase. She tells him he needs a therapist. Uh, we’re past that, Kim. Bitch needs a lobotomy with an icepick.

Back to Jaye. She’s decided to tell her friend Larry about her addiction. He’s legally blind so she’s been able to shove it up her nose right in front of him without him noticing the dust cloud surrounding her. He’s somewhat freaked out by this. He’s concerned about her health or something. But she’s sure it’s not doing any harm.

The worst conversation I’ve ever been a part of takes place next. Nathaniel tells his dad that he’s dating (and raping) his car. This conversation takes place over Chase, while Nathaniel strokes and humps Chase. “You’re in an intimate relationship…with your car? And a sexual relationship…with your car? Your car. It’s your car,” his dad says. You should probably leave now, Dad. Just don’t come back. JUST LEAVE. You don’t want any part of this.

I’m really uncomfortable. Although it’s safe to say I’m not as uncomfortable as Nathaniel’s dad. I’d rather have a murderer for a child than a car rapist.

“Was it because of the divorce,” his dad asks him. Yeah, this is what divorce does. Let’s blame that. That makes sense.

Nathaniel agrees to see a therapist, but not to change him. Er…then to do what?

Jaye and her friend meet to discuss the baby powder problem. Jaye is like, bitch you being judgmental, back it up, bitch. Watch yo self, bitch.

Her friend watches her shove a spoon of baby powder up her nose. “You don’t think nothing is wrong with what you doing right now?” she asks. (Her grammar, not mine.) Nope, Jaye thinks it’s normal. But then Denise (the friend, not Huxtable) agrees to see a doctor even though she doesn’t want to change. So this will go well.

Jaye goes to the doctor to have some tests run. He’s worried some is going to go into her lungs and kill her. Per usual on this show, she’s totally healthy. It makes total sense that Steve Jobs was killed by cancer, but this useless sack of nonsense is just free to live her pointless life of being a creep, unharmed. EVERYTHING MAKES SENSE IN THE WORLD.

Nathaniel meets a therapist who is somehow able to keep a straight face and not run out of the room. If I were the therapist I would pretend I had to go to the bathroom and I’d NEVER COME BACK.

Nathaniel claims he’s had girlfriends. Uh, OK. That makes sense. At the end of the show he’s still in his committed relationship with Chase. Chase, on the other hand, keeps trying to keep his engine running in a closed garage.

Teen Mom: Love Will Tear Us Apart; Or: The One Jessica Plautz (a stranger) Forced Me to Write

Fri, 17 Feb 2012 12:44:00 -0600

I would like for shows to cool it with this 90 minute business. Squeeze everything into an hour, please.

Jenellle is on her way to rehab in California. She claims to miss Jace. I wish she wasn’t a liar. I’m glad she wore her tie-dye hoodie to rehab. It’s such a good look. If someone could send me one I’d be really appreciative.

Rehab looks terrible if you’re poor. “I probably have a blunt wrapper in there,” she says to the rehab attendant. Then she tests positive for blunts. NICE WORK!

The next morning she meets with the her primary therapist. She’s still wearing her tie-dye hoodie. She gets a list of rules that sound terrible. Rehab is the worst. You can’t even get high there. She tells the therapist that she needs to address her issues with her mother, because that crazy bitch sends Jenelle into a rage that only results in the smoking of weed.

Kailyn is supposed to be studying, but she’s more concerned about the fact that she and Jo banged again. Her friend feigns shock, but she doesn’t really seem all that shocked. “Are you gonna tell Jordan,” she asks. Uh, do none of these people realize how TV works? WE CAN ALL SEE YOU. SURPRISE! YOU JUST TOLD HIM!

Chelsea is focusing on her GED or something. She’s taking the writing portion today. Somehow she passed the practice test last week. (She obviously cheated.) After the test she talks to her mom about going to ~~college~~ beauty school. Let’s not jump the gun, Mom, she has to pass the GED. Her mom invites her to the car show. (Her mom wants to go so she try to meet a man. That is a true story.)

Leah is staying at her mom’s until her new house is ready. Let’s back up a little, Leah. It’s a trailer. You don’t have a house. It’s safe to say you’ve probably never actually stepped foot in a house.

Um, Corey reads IN THE NEWSPAPER (apparently those are still a thing) that Leah filed for divorce. I’ve never been divorced, but I’d venture to guess that’s not usually how it works. Corey calls his dad to tell him the news but on top of his mumbling accent, those hounds from a few weeks ago are fighting in the background so I came away with very little from this conversation.

Seriously, who does Leah’s hair? That person needs to be set on fire.

Leah spent all of her money on the lawyer so she has to borrow some from her mom to pay for her trailer. Did she hire Johnny Cochran? Is he still alive? She’s constantly having to choose between two things that I would never have known would have cost the same amount: a trailer vs truck, trailer vs lawyer. It’s confusing to follow the lives of poor people.

Everyone at Jenelle’s rehab sounds like they should be working at the Delta Airlines call center.

Chelsea goes to the car show with her mom. Her mom picks up a dude and Chelsea sees Adam so she ruins everything for her mom. They have a real moving heart to heart. Well, it would be moving if I cared one iota about Chelsea.

Kailyn is studying computer jargon. What?

Elsewhere, Jo and his brother, Junior, talk about banging Kailyn last night [in the shower]. I don’t know why he felt the need to tell us all where it happened. (I, for one, didn’t need to know the details.)

Leah’s mom looks like she didn’t fully develop in the womb. I say that about so many people on this show. Her skull looks soft. Anyway, apparently photos from Leah’s wedding arrived that very day. The Raccoon has a breakdown looking at them.

Chelsea gets the results for her GED. She passed. Who’d she bang to get that score? How easy is the GED? The dumbest person on Earth must be able to pass it if she did.

Jenelle is gay for PINK.™ Can you imagine if they made tie-dye clothes? HER HEAD WOULD EXPLODE.

Jenelle’s therapist makes her describe herself in three words. She picks impulsive (check!), smart (eh) and angry (duh!). She’s REAL upset because she’s so bored and she can’t smoke. “It just sucks because I smoke pot every single day and now I have to stop.” Uh, that’s how rehab works. (Add that to the list of things these idiots don’t understand how they work: television, rehab)

Leah goes to look at her $3000 ~~house~~ trailer. “It’s really not that bad at all,” she says. That’s exactly the way I want to speak about the first ~~trailer~~ house I buy.

I really cannot get past how ugly Leah is.

Jordan is headed over to Kailyn’s. She’s going to tell him about the shower she took the other day. She just jumps right into it. Jordan is monotone. “I’m always going to have this bond with him,” she says to justify her whoriness. Um, I have a bond with a few people, but I don’t shower with them. Jordan shows some signs of life and kind of yells.

Jordan wanders out of the house with a giant plastic container of stuff.

Chelsea is STILL roaming around thinking about Adam. Aubrey is supposed to go stay with Adam’s parents, but Adam is now coming to pick her up. “I don’t like this. You have a good job, you’re focusing on your GED. You’re going to start beauty school like you wanted to,” her mom says when she finds out Adam is on his way over. Uh, last time I checked “tanning bed cleaner at Brown Year Round” wasn’t a good job. Let’s talk when she’s a doctor, Chelsea’s Mom.

Her mom warns her about getting back together with Adam. Uh, Adam hates her. Why is there even this talk?

Jenelle has been in rehab for two weeks so she finally gets her cell phone and computer back. Kiefer has been texting and leaving her voicemails. He’s being a real bitch about their breakup. Jenelle calls him and tells him she’s focusing on herself. The ol’ classic “I’m focusing on myself” line, eh?

Jenelle and her therapist call Barbara to inform her Jenelle may be bipolar. Um, I’m no scientist, but I could have told you that. Nice work, doctors. The doctor shuts this phone call right down when the two monsters start fighting.

Leah hasn’t seen or talked to Corey in two weeks. She’s meeting him and his dad at the lawyer’s office to drop off the girls so Corey can have them for the weekend. It’s REAL emotional. (Or it would be if I cared about this raccoon monster.)

Kailyn’s wet perm is stunning. These broads have the best hair!

She and her friend Kara are sitting around in Kailyn’s hobo kitchen talking about how she told Jordan she cheated on him. Kailyn seems to collect empty water bottles. They’re displayed everywhere. It’s a good look.

Chelsea WILL NOT COOL IT ABOUT ADAM. She pretends like she’s not so excited to see him when he picks up Aubrey. Adam looks like he’s a part time meth-lab janitor.

Adam invites Chelsea over to his house to “catch up.” She’s the dumbest broad on the planet and says yes. GIRLS ARE TOO STUPID TO BE ALIVE.

Cool white sunglasses and barbed wire armband tattoo, dude.

Jenelle gets to video chat with Barbara and Jace. Barbara mostly shows her old lady boobs to the camera. Barbara is real proud of Jenelle. I’m sure that’ll stick!

The following day Jenelle is discharged. This should be good.

Leah has to go divide her belongings with Corey. She’s a mess about it. How much good stuff can either of them have that this is something to be upset about?

Chelsea is a giggly Sue when Adam calls her to come ride on his hog. Her tongue ring is aflutter. “Don’t judge me,” she says to her mom. We’re all judging you, idiot.

Who rides a motorcycle in fliflops? I ~~kind of~~ hope she loses a foot.

Kailyn decides she wants to give her relationship with Jo another chance so she asks him over to talk. I’m on the edge of my seat with these two. He just wants to live his life or some such nonsense. She cries. Again, broads are so stupid. Of course he just wanted to bang you because you had a boyfriend, not because he wanted to marry you. IDIOT!

Jenelle heads to the airport in a sequined hat. That’s all I have to say about her return to Oak Island.

I wonder how long it’ll be before she goes into a rage. (I say 15 minutes, tops. And 7 minutes before she’s stoned.)

Jenelle shows Barbara and Jace the ugly crap she brought them back from LA. I cannot believe someone actually sold those two items.

Leah is on her way to divide up her stuff. It’s going to be so hard to choose who gets the tube TVs, broken 4-wheelers, pleather love seat and pregnant hounds. HOW CAN YOU BEAR TO LOSE ANY OF THAT GOOD STUFF?!?

That trailer still terrifies me through the television. I need a Tetanus shot. Leah should really being wearing shoes inside that hellhole.

That was all very draining to watch.

Dance Moms: Wardrobe Malfunction; Or: Gym Floors Are Floors Too

Thu, 16 Feb 2012 16:43:17 -0600

I got a lot of negative comments about last week’s episode and how I shouldn’t recap it if I don’t like it. (And there were even more weirdos defending Long Island. I had no idea how many Long Island enthusiasts read this blog. I am sorry for offending you. I was talking about the Lindsay Lohan Long Island, not the Victoria Grayson Long Island. That latter is first rate. )

Anyway, it’s not that I hate this season… I mean, I think other people will agree that some of the Dance Moms magic is missing from this season. I don’t think I’m crazy for pointing that out. GIVE VIVI AND HER LASERS MORE SCREEN TIME, LIFETIME.

Moving on…

In the opening credits Fatty McDance looks like she’s wearing the cape you wear when you’re getting your haircut.

This week they’re attending a competition in Secaucus, New Jersey. I’d say it was a terrible place, but everyone will go crazy and it’ll cause a riot on the internet. (I did do a search for “Is Secaucus terrible?” and while Google wouldn’t give me a definitive answer, I did learn that the Courtyard By Marriot there is universally panned.

Kendall is on the bottom of the pyramid. Jill goes crazy. Nia, Brooke and Paige round out the bottom. Maddie and Chloe are still in the middle. And somehow Mackenzie lands on the top. I don’t think she competes against anyone in the competitions. There is no way she could be coming in first if their are other dancers in her group.

This week the moms have to design and make original costumes. Holly is probably going to call this task racist. Jill says she’s just going to use an old costume. All the other bitches really attack her for this. YOU CANNOT WEAR AN OLD COSTUME. “IT IS RACIST TO WEAR AN OLD COSTUME,” SAYS HOLLY.

The OBSERVATION MEZZANINE IS AFLUTTER WITH ANGER. Jill finds out that Fatty McDance owns the girls for a year upon entry to her studio. (Uh, how does she not know this?) She had to sign something when she signed her little stripper up for dance but she’s just now realizing this? I guess reading isn’t her thing.

Elsewhere, Cathy Nesbitt is planning to audition new [terrible] dancers for her studio. I hope none of them take away from Vivi’s laser eyes.

Back at Fatty’s, Kendall is rehearsing for her solo. It looks like what I’d look like if I were rehearsing for my solo. Her delusional mother, Jill, is sure she deserves to be at the top. IS SHE BLIND? Her kid can’t dance. And she looks like she was Elisabeth Shue’s stand-in in the motion picture, ‘Leaving Las Vegas.’

Guess who is at Cathy Nesbitt’s audition?!? PEYTON, that’s who. That big, tall monster with that crazy bastard of a mom, Leslie. I am really looking forward to Leslie and Cathy Nesbitt going head to head. “I really want to make my mom happy,” Peyton says of dancing. Um, you’re like 15. WHAT MOLESTED THESE GIRLS SO BADLY THAT MADE THEM SUCH MINDLESS ZOMBIES?

Cathy Nesbitt invites Peyton to dance with the Candy Apples. Peyton isn’t sure. You know, because it’s a 7 hour drive from her house. Leslie goes crazy and tells Cathy Nesbitt how to teach and they all call it a day. What a waste of gas getting there for that.

Holly is so pissed she has to make Nia’s costume. It’s so racist to assume a black lady can sew and make things. SHE’S NOT A SLAVE. SHE’LL NEVER BE A SLAVE. DON’T TRY TO MAKE HER A SLAVE!

Fatty McD heads up to the OBSERVATION MEZZANINE to check out what the mom’s have done with the costumes they’re making. Christi has a bra she might dye or something. SHE’LL DEAL WITH IT LATER, ABBY.

Fatty gets the worst call of her life. ~~Her entire family has died.~~ Dance Explosion, this week’s competition, has been canceled. But you’d think her entire family had been killed in an explosion. No one knows what to do. Uh, take a week off? Can’t they do these dances in 2 weeks? Why is this a big deal? I don’t understand what’s happening. Fatty McDance spends the rest of the day looking for a new competition. Luckily she finds one in Texas. Texas? Melissa is going to have to bang a hell of a lot of orthodontists to pay for these plane tickets to Texas.

They arrive in Texas to a competition that takes place in a gymnasium. Everyone is appalled! I WILL NOT DANCE ON WOOD FLOORS, THEY SAY. (But then they all dance on wood floors.)

Brooke’s solo is first. Thank God she spends the whole time (per usual) with her legs over her head, smiling. I wish she’d go back to cheering.

Mackenzie is a slippery mess. I AM SO NERVOUS FOR HER. (I held my breath throughout her entire dance.)

Everyone fights with Jill about the fact that she didn’t make Kendall’s costume. Jill announces she’s going to pack her bags and go home. Then she throws some shoes and storms out. (I really hope she doesn’t come back.)

Next up on the nervous breakdown train: Nia. She’s injured and still dancing. Everyone freaks her out about it so she has a panic attack right before her solo. She still dances. I AM HOLDING MY BREATH AGAIN. (What is wrong with me?)

For some reason Jill and Kendall are back. Goddamnit. Fatty tells Jill to put Kendall in the white booty shorts and let her dance. If I had a dime for every time someone told me to do that I’d have three dimes.

Up next, Chloe. She has a full blown six-pack. She dances beautifully even on that gymnasium floor.

Maddie runs out on ~~stage~~ gym like something is wrong with her. She’s dressed like ~~her mom~~ a cheap slut. I do not enjoy her dance. Why does she have curly sideburns? She looks Hasidic. THEN SHE FALLS.

A man carries Maddie off the gym floor. It takes Melissa like 2 minutes to get up and run to her. MOTHER OF THE YEAR. (She’ll probably bang the guy that carried Maddie off.)

The show must go on. Paige is up. She does some creepy acrobatics mixed with some good dancing. I hate when they shake their hips and blow kisses.

I am so glad I don’t know any ~~molesters~~ gentlemen who judge dance competitions.

Paige wins! Paige wins! She’s less excited about the actual win and more excited about proving Fatty Lee Miller wrong.

Next week on DANCE MOMS: Jill yells. Then she yells some more. Then she continues yelling. Then she catches on fire.

Pretty Little Liars: CTRL:A; Or: My Mom's Recap

Wed, 15 Feb 2012 18:03:29 -0600

It’s a new day in Rosewood, thank God the slumber party and all that creepiness is over. I’m still laying awake at night trying to make some sense of the logic of teenage girls and boys having a sleep over at school. This must be how teen moms get their girls. Anyway, back to this week. Apparently, Emily is back on the swim team and has already had a meet. It must have been a big deal swim meet because the entire school has gathered to greet the team as they arrive back home. As far as I can tell this is a dream come true high school. It is not mandatory that you ever attend, but if you do choose to stop by the day consist of coffee and croissants, then a little gossip and scheming, next you have lunch and if you have a girlfriend/boyfriend of course you are allowed to have a make out session or two and finally a few trip to the ladies room so something terrible can happen. No actual classes, I’m bitter I didn’t attend Rosewood High. While waiting for the Sharks to arrive Hanna and Caleb are snuggling on a bench looking like the cutest couple alive. I love them. Spencer and Aria are discussing their plans to meet the person that knew Vivian. Aria seems a bit leery of the meeting but mother superior insists it must be done. I was hoping to find out she has a bastard half brother would mellow her overbearing pretentious self for a week or two, but I guess not. Aria tells her that their moms have talked and that Spencer’s mom wants Spencer to come back home. Aria says it been a week now and everyone wants to know why she is staying away. I think the better questions is why have Spencer’s parents been home for a week? That has never happened. I guess Law and Order SVU has been on hiatus (Mrs. Hastings looks just like Olivia Benson). I’m not sure why Peter has stuck around. Never fear Spencer they will leave you for dead soon and you can return to living alone in that big DARK house. Finally the Sharks arrive. Their outfits are hideous, the bright blue is so bright I had to put my sunglasses on. The good things is their enormous trophy is the same color as the beautiful track suits so alls well that ends well. They must have won the high school equivalence of the gold medal at the Olympics. People are holding signs, cheering like its the second coming and of course the party will be at Hanna’s. Just when you think the teachers, assuming they have any, would start passing out the liquor to the underage students the mood is ruined by the arrival of the po-po. It’s officer Garrett and some old man I don’t know. The approach sweet, beautiful Caleb with a search warrant to take his computer. They say someone has been hacking into the school’s computers and it traces back to Caleb’s IP address. Garrett asked for his pass words but Caleb says the court order says you can take my computer but not what’s in my head. Gotta love him!! Hanna is worried for Caleb, he tells her don’t worry they couldn’t get into it with a can opener. I’m like Hanna, not feeling good for OUR boyfriend. As Hanna is telling the other little pretties what happened they all receive a text—“Now it’s Caleb’s turn. A”. Say it ain’t so—not Caleb.

Caleb and Hanna have gone to an empty (shocking) classroom to talk. Hanna is freaking out and Caleb says not to worry he didn’t do anything wrong. Hanna tells him she thinks this is payback for his helping them with “A’s” phone. She thinks Garrett has planted some evidence on his computer and if that is the case they will be able to get into it. She must be correct because at the end of last weeks episode we saw someone take his computer while he was sleeping at the damn slumber party. Don’t get me started on that again.

Down the hall Aria is telling Holden she can’t help him if she doesn’t know what he is doing. He comes clean telling her he is going to Philly to practice a martial art. He says his parents don’t like him competing. I think there must be more to this story—we shall see. He says the pills were some pain meds he never even used. Yea, right! Seemed like a lot of pills for someone that doesn’t use them. He tells her tomorrow night is a big one and he needs her help to get out. She agrees to a pretend date.

Back in the “classroom” Caleb is telling Hanna his password as he is trying to get in to erase all the files. It’s a combo of first letters from everywhere he has lived some numbers and an exclamation point after the numbers. The number seem to mean something to him but Hanna doesn’t have a clue. He is being blocked. Now Hanna isn’t the only one looking afraid.

Down the hall Ella and Byron are having a talk in yet another empty classroom. Ella is ready to loosen the leash on Aria, mainly because she is tired of being a taxi service for them. Ella thinks they could take the train, Byron thinks maybe they could do something is Rosewood. They fight about Byron being too extreme and he says “dating your English teacher is extreme. We’re just being parents”. He does have a good point here but this is when Ella should stand up to him and remind him of his dating a student. At least Ezra is single or at least we think he is. I really despise both of them. Byron has a gigantic case of short mans complex and Ella acts like a scared battered women. I would not cry if they both fell in front of a oncoming train.

Spencer goes to the Dilaurentis Commercial Properties, but it is closed. I guess she is looking for her half brother Jason. She spots him at a fruit stand talking to Maya. Did we know they know each other? I do think I said a few weeks ago I thought we would know the man she slept with. Might be Jason. I really think Maya is bad news and that Emily could do SO much better. Back to Jason and Spencer. Things are tense at first but eventually they start to talk. Spencer wants to know why he left the night she was arrested and why he has returned. From the look of his hair I think maybe he got a bad perm and was waiting for it to relax before returning. Been there done that. They both ignore the bad hair situation and get down to business. Jason tells Spencer he found another box in Allison’s room at the grandmothers house. If was filled with letter from Spencer’s father to Jason’s mom and $15,000 in cash. Three envelopes each with $500. They both agree that Allison must have found the letters and then stated blackmailing their dad.

All four PLLs are now at Josie’s Roadhouse diner for the meet and greet with the mystery man from the phone number in Vivian’s coat. I guess Aria drew the short straw because she is alone at one booth waiting to meet the mystery man while the other three are at the next booth in case she needs back up. It doesn’t take long for a creepy man to sit down with Aria. I was hoping for another hot guy to enter the picture but that is not the case. He tells Aria he worked for the phone co and that Vivian came in looking for information. She told him her friend Allison was getting texts from someone and wanted to know who was sending them. He agreed to get the info for her for a price. He gave her the information and she never paid him. Does he not own a TV? Even a hobo knows you never give the info before you get your hot little hands on the cash. They may be able to play this mo. He assumes Aria is Allison and say he will give her the info for the money Vivian owes him. He tells her it will cost her $2,000. He tells her never to call that number again and gives her a new one in case she comes up with the money. She is to ask for Jonah. After Jonah leaves the girls all sit together and have a pity party about not being able to come up with that amount of money. They all look to Spencer but she says her accounts have been on lock down since she was arrested. Maybe Spencer can get the money from her new brother, or her father since he is so eager to get back on her good side. Anyway you look at it the money is going to have to come from Spencer, I don’t think Ashley would be so lucky if she steals from the bank again.

Caleb calls the police to see when he can get his computer back. He tells them he needs it back because he is high school students and has papers to write and home work to do. REALLY? SERIOUSLY? Who is he trying to fool. Everyone knows that school does not have real classes, not since Ezra left. He taught the only class. They tell Caleb he can have it back if he cooperates with them. At the police station Garrett is messing with Caleb’s computer when another cop maybe detective he’s in real clothes tells Garrett they have a turned up a missing piece of the puzzle dealing with Allison’s death. He says it has something to do with the missing page from the autopsy report. Garrett turns a nice shade of green. He must think they know he and Jenna took page 5. Then the guy shows him a picture that we can’t see and he is not longer green. The smirk on his face tells me it must be bad news for the PLLs.

“Short man complex” returns to his cars to find a note from A. It tells him where Aria will be that night. She and Ezra have plans to meet at a restaurant in Philly at 8:30. If he catches them he will really be unbearable. Have I mentioned that I hate him and mealy mouthed wife too?

It looks like the party might not be very festive. Hanna wants her mom to hire a lawyer to help Caleb. She says no. Maya comes in telling Emily they needs to talk and then the police call saying Mrs. M and Hanna need to come down. Maybe Hanna should leave the party planning to someone else. Has she forgotten she and Lucas almost ended up swimming with the fishes after her last party. Maya and Emily go upstairs to talk. Maya tells Emily her mom found an old joint when they were going thought some old stuff. Maya’s parents don’t believe that it is old. They are going to send her back to True North. Emily sayS she will never let Maya go. I thought that too about Jim H. when I was your age. Never is a long when you are in high school. I think Maya leaving will be the best thing for Emily. Maya is going to bring her down. Now I am thinking Maya meeting with Jason earlier might have been a drug run.

Hanna and her mom (I always want to write sister) are at the police station. Now I know why that cop talking to Garrett seemed familiar. He’s the cop Ashley dated for a while. Dated might not be the correct word. He tells them a missing page from Allison’s autopsy might be a clue they are missing and then shows them the picture he showed Garrett. It’s Hanna, Emily and Spencer dressed as candy stripers from a security camera outside the morgue. Somebody’s got some explaining to do. Hanna plays dumb, it’s not a stretch so she’s good at it. She doesn’t answer any question and Officer Wilden lets them leave. On the way out Ashley jokes about needing her own parking space at the police station. She is taking it very well. Hanna tells her they dressed up as a joke, she doesn’t believe that. She then tells her mother they didn’t take the page and Ashley does believe her about that.

Aria is getting ready for her pretend date with Holden and real date with Ezra. Little man comes in to quiz her about where she and Holden are going and he looks very smug as he thinks he will be catching his lying daughter in a few hours. Ella comes in to see if Aria is ready to leave. If looks could kill little man and Ella would both be dead. Not from Aria but each other. I am thinking this marriage is not going to last much longer. Speaking of this family where is Mike? Did they send him away? I don’t really care, Aria is the only member of that family I like. After little man leaves the room Ella tells Aria she doesn’t understand why she and Holden always have to go to Philly for their dates. Aria says more to do there—duh! Then Ella says Holden’s mom would like them to stay closer because of Holden’s heart condition. So that’s the rest of Holden’s secret.

Back at the Marin’s house the party got started while Hanna and her mom were at the police station. Ashley’s looks non to happy about all the people and just goes upstairs. Can’t blame her for that, her life is not a piece of cake. Hanna fills Emily and Spencer in on her trip to the police station. They all assume Garrett must have taken the page since they didn’t. Spencer says she is going to talk to Jonah and find out who is behind it all. Hanna wants to know if she found $2,000.000 while she was at the police station. Spencer give her “that look” then says she is going home. I guess she is going to get the money from dear old dad. Spencer goes back into her house and as usual it has that one table light on with a 25 walt bulb. As she is about to go upstairs she picks her dads checkbook. Just then her dad comes in and drops the checkbook and starts upstairs. Daddy wants to have a talk. He tells Spencer he made a series of bad decisions. Spencer says you make it sound like a business deal. ”You cheated and got somebody’s else’s wife pregnant.” He admits it and say she kept the baby and lied to her husband. They moved to Atlanta and then he and Spencer’s mom married. Spencer wants to know why they moved back and Peter says he never asked, he was afraid she would tell him. Spencer tells her dad Jason thinks Allison knew long before any of them and was blackmailing him. She tells him about the letters and money Jason found. He tells Spencer he never gave any money to anyone in that family for any reason.

Back to Philly. Little man also made the trip. He came a little early to the restaurant Aria and Ezra are planning to meet. He thinks he is so smart. Jokes on you Mr. short man, Aria followed Holden to his martial arts competition—I’m guessing she won’t be making it to the restaurant tonight. Aria confronts Holden about his condition. He tells her he has an abdominal aortic aneurysm. That it could rupture at any time. Holden goes in for his fight. Aria texts Ezra to reschedule just as he is getting to the restaurant. He sees little man but little man doesn’t see him. They live to make out another day.

After leaving her house Spencer met with Jason to tell him about the talk she had with their father. Spencer believes that he did not give the money to Allison, Jason still thinks it was him. Spencer just wants him to consider that it might be someone else and if so they need to know who. Back at the Sharks party Maya is sitting all alone because she says she doesn’t fit in. She wants Emily to leave the party with her and Emily wants to stay at the party because the party is for her. Later Emily walks outside looking for Maya just in time to see her light up. I’m going to say it again—Maya will just bring Emily down. There have to be lots of nice gay girls. Emily can do better. Emily and Maya have a fight about the joint her mom found not really being old. Emily is upset that Maya would light up at her friends house with her team mates all around. Maya says enough about your teams mates and complains about not fitting in as well as Emily does. Maya says she going to San Francisco she wants Emily to run a way with her. Emily says she can’t. It’s time to stop giving Emily wackos for girlfriends. She deserves better.

Caleb calls Hanna to say he’s at the police station. He says “Hanna, listen to me. I’m in a really hot spot right now. I need your help.” This seems to be code for hack me in now with the password I showed you. Officer Wilden is telling Caleb to log into his computer and no funny business. Garrett is also in the room and Caleb asks Garrett if he’s sure he wants Wilden to see what’s on the computer. Garrett doesn’t look at all worried. I think Caleb is just trying to stall hoping Hanna can hack in before he has to. Hanna sends a SOS to Spencer for help. Hanna remembers the letters are the first letter of all the places he has lives and that there were some numbers and an exclamation point. They are too slow and the police now have access to the files on Caleb’s computer. They make him move away from the computer. Suddenly Hanna remembers the numbers and they are also in Caleb’s computer. Only problem is they don’t know what to do now that they are in. The good thing is that the police also don’t know what they are looking for. Hanna see a file named “hefty” she opens it and it is loaded with personal info from the school. Just as Garrett andWilden click into “hefty” the files all start deleting. They think Caleb has done something to make them disappear but he just says see I told you I was being hacked. He looks so pleases and so so handsome.

Back in Philly Holden has just won his fight. Aria is happy he didn’t die. She tells him he is crazy to keep fighting. Aria’s phone rings and it is nosey pain in the ass little man. He is so sure he can still catch Aria in a lie so he asked to speak to Holden. She may be lying but the jokes on you little man. When Holden gets on the phone little man is finally at a lose for words. I’m sure he will go home and take his embarrassment out on Ella. I don’t like her either so I don’t care what he does to her.

It’s been a long frighting night for Hanna and Celeb but they just look like and happy in love couple when she picks him up from the police station. I couldn’t love them more. I like to think since I can’t have him that they are a couple in real life. She lets him know she was having trouble remembering the numbers until she thought of the first time they “you know?” She says you should have told me and he so cutely says “Hanna there’s an exclamation point.” Are people that sweet in real life? I know my special valentine is not.

Spencer is sitting in the dark, that really should go without saying, in her house. Looks like it is parents free again. Jason comes by to apologize to her. He tells her she was right he doesn’t want to think Allison was blackmailing someone other then Petter. Peter is the easy one for him to hate. They decide they are very much alike. Spencer tells him she knows why Allison needed some of the money that she was looking for someone that was trying to hurt her. Jason wants to know who and Spencer tells him she thinks she can find out but he is going to have to trust her $2,000 worth.

Emily calls Maya leaving a voicemail saying “Don’t do anything until we talk. I love you.” Someone is watching her from outside.

My DVR cut off before the previews for next week so can’t talk about that. I can’t stop thinking about how easy it was for Mona last week to get into the schools computer files. Anyone think she put that file on Caleb’s computer? Is that too obvious? Sometimes the obvious is to throw us off and sometimes it’s just is what it is.

Until next week……got a secret, can you keep it?

Teen Mom: Falling; Or: The Recap I'm Writing Entirely For Facebook Fan Jen Burke

Fri, 10 Feb 2012 14:49:38 -0600

Oh good, this episode starts with my favorite: Jenelle. She’s moping around the house in tie-dye. Always a good look for anyone. I used to wear a tie-dye shirt I made at camp. Even at 12 I knew it was a big mistake. Jenelle seems to wear it without even a hint of regret. Anyway, she’s moping around the house because she isn’t allowed to hang out with anyone she’s ever met because they all smoke weed. She’s laying around with her son. One would think that the court wouldn’t allow her to hang out with him either, considering how many drugs that baby must have come out of the womb addicted to. But luckily no one has brought this to the authority’s attention.

Jenelle can only talk to Kiefer on the phone. It’s real lonely. She’s also really stressed out because she’s living with ~~a man from the 1890s~~ her mom who talks like she’s in Newsies. They are fighting about pants. “WHERE ARE MY GODDAMN PANTS?” “I PUT YOUR GODDAMN PANTS HERE.” Stuff like that. It’s so weird that Jenelle completely lacks a top lip.

“Stop talking shit about me. I can hear you through the baby monitor, you fucking idiot,” Jenelle yells at her mother, Barbara. WOULD YOU KISS YOUR MOTHER WITH THAT MOUTH, JENELLE? Wait, I guess you would. Jace is just standing there [in a pile of clothes and filth] watching this happen. I can’t wait for TV in 15 years when he’s on Beyond Scared Straight. Jenelle will probably be the lead bitch in whatever prison they take him to. I CAN’T WAIT FOR THE FUTURE!

Barbara has one huge ass in those khakis. Not a flattering cut.

Jenelle calls Kiefer. She’s just about to die. She decides they need to break up since she’ll go to jail if she sees him. Neither one of them seem to care that much. “I’m going to have to get over it, but it’s going to take years,” he says. I think he’s confused by time. I think he means hours.

Kailyn and Jo do some talking. They’re totally going to bang again. JO HAS A MUSIC VIDEO COMING OUT! WHAT?!?!? That’s cool, Jo.

Later that day Kailyn and her gigantic boyfriend Jordan talk about Jo wanting a weekday visitation day at Kailyn’s. Jordan is visibly jealous. He has a bad feeling. But he looks too dumb to be alive so it’s probably nothing.

Chelsea has finally stopped talking about the charity walk she was consumed by last week. Her friend comes over to help her get ready for the GED. I don’t mean study, I mean she helps her read about the idea of the GED. Chelsea’s skin is a mess.

Leah isn’t sure Corey is going to move with her. He’s just her husband. NO BIG DEAL. Corey comes in and says he heard a rumor about her. That she had sex with Robbie a week before she married Corey. Spoiler alert: IT’S TRUE! She’s a real standup broad. She also has the most beautiful shade of yellow hair I’ve ever seen.

Corey is really angry. I can’t really tell what either one of them are saying. Call me crazy but I’ve never been so drunk that I’d bang someone else a week before my wedding. (And I’m not even THAT great of a human being.)

“Being married…I didn’t know it could mean this much to me,” Leah says. Um, so let me get this straight. Gay people who have been together for 20 years CANNOT GET MARRIED, but this raccoon-faced, white haired slut who didn’t even realize how much marriage “means” can just freely do as she pleases? THAT MAKES TOTAL SENSE, EVERYONE. It really does. I mean, how can you fight logic?

I hope a wolf mauls that stupid hillbilly.

Jenelle is just wandering around the house looking for drugs and someone to talk to. She’s forced to talk to the only drug-free person in Oak Island, North Carolina, her mother. Barbara tells her maybe she should go to rehab or something.

Jenelle meets with her lawyer. He has so many fancy lawyer-esque paintings in his office. She tells him all of her problems. He’s not a therapist, dummy. She asks him if she can go to some sort of rehab program. She’s real overwhelmed by this.

Jo heads over to his first weekly visit alone with Kailyn and Isaac. They’re totally going to sleep together. Probably in front of Isaac or something creepy. The first thing they talk about is his love life. Kailyn has a really cool tongue ring. (Why are these still on people?)

These two flirt up a storm. But then he leaves to go hang out with a “groupie.” Kailyn accidentally tells him she loves him as he leaves. SOME ACCIDENT.

Leah doesn’t want to give up on her relationship with Corey, but he won’t take her calls.

Corey heads to his dad’s to tell him Leah bought a trailer and she banged some dude before their wedding. I wish his dad would kill her. Corey claims he is going to file for divorce.

Wait…this episode is an hour and a half?

Chelsea writes her dad a check. It’s the first check she’s ever written. SHE HAS A BABY AND SHE’S NEVER WRITTEN A CHECK?!?! I HATE THE WORLD.

Leah, her twins and her friend Kayla go sit around in a field and talk about stress. Kayla giggles when Leah tells her she cheated on Corey. Leah blames her whoreness on everything but the fact that she’s just a loser whore.

Did a raccoon teach Kayla and Leah about eye makeup? Why do they look so ugly?

Jenelle finds someone (Amber. Not Portwood.) who isn’t stoned to talk to. She’s consumed by the fact that she can’t smoke weed. She tells Amber she’s thinking of going to rehab. Just go, idiot. WHY ARE YOU MAKING SUCH A BIG DEAL OUT OF THIS?

Corey texts Leah that he has a lawyer. She decides to lounge around on the couch a little longer and go get one for herself tomorrow.

Chelsea cleans some tanning beds and then calls it a night. As she leaves, her ex, Adam, calls her. She tells him she doesn’t trust him alone with their kid overnight. So sleeping with him was obviously a good choice.

Kailyn and her friend Mark have a heart-to-heart about Jo. She admits that she has feelings for him again. Oh, great.

I don’t even understand Leah’s hair. I wish someone in her life would address this on television.

Leah can cry all she wants but no one feels sorry for her. Also, is she wearing a night guard on her teeth in the middle of the day or are her teeth so ugly that they look like they have a coating of plastic over them?

Jenelle goes back to her lawyer’s office to talk about rehab. STOP THIS NONSENSE. YOU DON’T NEED TO TALK ABOUT IT ANYMORE.

He found a rehab facility in California that has a scholarship for her. Is it a scholarship when it’s for drugs? She’s not learning anything.

She’s set to go for 30 days. Yeah, that’ll stick.

I can’t believe this episode is still happening.

Chelsea meets with a GED counselor. But she can’t stop thinking about Adam, per usual. She has two GED options, but I’m bored by all this talk of learning.

Wait, you have to have your GED to go to beauty school? Uh…why?

Kailyn and Jordan do some more talking about Jo. He’s sure he can’t trust them. Uh, because he can’t.

Leah finds a divorce lawyer on Google. I’m more impressed that her trailer has hardwood floors.

Jenelle is packing up all of her tie-dye for rehab. How can she find anything in that room? Why is Barbara such a loud talker? She and Barbara talk more about rehab. Because we haven’t heard enough about it. Jenelle pretends it’ll be hard to be away from Jace. Who is this broad kidding?

Somehow Chelsea passes her practice GED (writing portion) test. The world just absolutely amazes me sometimes. Her mom seems as shocked as I am.

Kailyn and Jo are left alone together again with Isaac. She invites him to spend the night! This ought to be good.

Leah brings her dad to meet with the divorce lawyer. She has a child, but she brought her parents to meet with a divorce lawyer with her? Makes plenty of sense.

Her lawyer is certainly dressed up for a hillbilly lawyer. The pearls are a nice touch.

Leah files for divorce. Is it supposed to be sad? (It isn’t.)

Dance Moms: Brooke's Back; Or: Who Cares?

Wed, 08 Feb 2012 18:10:23 -0600

I miss the days when this show didn’t suck and wasn’t so fake. I also have to watch this nonsense On Demand because Comcast is the worst and half the time it just records an hour of blackness. (Sometimes an hour of blackness is better than the show I actually intended to record.) Anyway, I miss the days when On Demand meant that I didn’t have to watch commercials. Now they disable to fast-forward button on most of the On Demand shows so I have to watch television like a homeless person.

Anyway, moving on to the show I’m not the least bit excited to watch anymore…

Brooke invites Fatty McDance over to talk about coming back to dance. “Cheerleading just wasn’t my thing,” she says. I am pretty sure nothing is her thing.

They have a real heart-to-heart about how Brooke really let everyone down. “Brooke broke my heart,” she says. It’s the creepiest thing I’ve ever heard.

Then she says Brooke is born to dance. I think she meant that Brooke was born to lay on her neck and gyrate across a stage. I didn’t know that was actually dancing.

Kendall, the 45-year-old cocktail waitress dressed up as a little girl dancer, is finally off probation. She gets a jacket. Jill is crazed when she finds out the news. You’d think she won the lottery and could finally afford a yellow Corvette.

They’re headed to the Starbound Competition in Long Island. These girls are real world travelers. They’ve seen every fourth rate city in the ol’ US of A.

The pyramid! Nia is on the bottom. ~~Because she’s black~~. ~~Because she sucks~~. Because Holly pulled her from the lead in the routine and Fatty likes to punish the mothers by punishing the kids. Paige, Kendall and Mackenzie are on the bottom. Maddie is still in the middle. That bitch is pissed. Fatty McDance is trying to keep her on her toes. Chloe is also in the middle. Brooke is on top! Which makes no sense. Peyton has a nervous breakdown because she’s not on top. She cries like she’s 6. Man up, loser. You’re a giant and you make Vivi look normal. Then Peyton’s mom goes insane. Sadly she doesn’t kill anyone. She and Kelly go at it. Peyton stares everyone down with her demon eyes. She pulls Peyton out of the room and they quit the Abby Lee Miller Dance Studio. Uh, good riddance, I guess.

This week’s group routine is about cheerleaders. I guess that’s irony or something.

Up in the OBSERVATION MEZZANINE the mother’s fight. Kelly is nervous because Fatty McD said Brooke HAS to win this week. Jill is on the attack. She attacks Christi and Kelly. Then they fight about the losing trio team last week. Shut up. Go drink your lunch.

Even with all these yapping whores I still hate Holly the most. Even when she doesn’t say anything. I can just see her racism wheels turning.

Brooke’s solo is a real creepy space age dance called Starry Night. I wonder how many times she’ll walk around on her own neck while smiling.

The group practices their “hot” dance. Abby calls it hot. I don’t think it’s hot. Kelly is so excited that Paige has a special part. Jill is not pleased about this so she goes on the attack. Again.

Jill heads down to complain about the fact that everyone has a special part except Kendall. She’s on the warpath, per usual.

Kelly decides to have all the mom’s over to drink their dinner and the kids over to pretend like they’re friends. Why do they do this? Who would want Melissa or Jill in their house? Or Holly. Holly probably thinks Kelly’s house is racist. All the moms are angry that Jill gives McDance so many gifts. Holly probably thinks gifts are racist. Melissa storms out of this miserable party when everyone attacks her for working at the studio to get “privates.” That sounds more sexual than it should. Although give it a few years and all these girls (save for sweet Chloe) will be giving privates in a different kind of establishment.

The next day Melissa and Jill go shopping. Melissa is wearing really great jeans that look like True Religion. Because those are cool and not for trailer-dwellers who found some money on the ground. As they shop for really ugly junk they gossip about the other moms. Jill is bursting out of her turtleneck, but that’s neither here nor there.

Mackenzie is excited about her solo, but wishes she could be in the group dance. As Mackenzie finishes her practice Fatty McDance breaks down into tears and the entire studio floods.

Brooke’s rehearsal is up next. No more tears. Just Brooke putting her legs over her head and smiling. ATTENTION: THIS IS NOT DANCING.

Later Jill comes in wearing a zebra print turtleneck with flowers on it. Then she presents Fatty McD and the other teacher with massages. Jill sits in on the massages. Because that’s normal. I feel really bad for the man masseuse having to touch that horrid body. SHE MOANS. I AM DEFINITELY THROWING UP.

Christi, Kelly and Holly are really angry that Jill won’t cool it with the bribes. Then Jill calls Holly an absentee mom. RACIST. YOU ARE A RACIST, JILL.

I’m still not comfortable around Jill’s zebra flower hybrid shirt.

I wish one of these broads would chop off another one’s finger when they’re doing all that finger pointing. That would make me love this show again.

They’re headed to Long Island. Abby screams at the driver the entire time. Her big fat body heads to front of the bus to berate him up close.

As they’re all preparing for their dances, Jill decides this is the time to ask why Kendall doesn’t have a solo. Then Kelly tells Jill to shut up. WHY ARE NONE OF THESE BROADS CARRYING GUNS? I need a murder!

Mackenzie’s solo is first. She gyrates like a stripper. Fatty McDance is so gay for Mackenzie. She’s obsessed with her.

Brooke is a miserable bitch. Cheer up, creep. Her solo is next. She spends the entire time on her neck with her legs over her head. This is really going to come in handy when she’s in the champagne room at the Spearmint Rhino.

The top junior petite is MacKenzie. Looks like someone is on her way to becoming Maddie. At least Melissa won’t have to give her away now.

Brooke comes in third place. Fatty said she had to win. I WONDER WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN.

She actually compliments Brooke. Kind of.

Time for the group routine. But before they go out Jill puts makeup on Fatty McDance to make her up to look like a big, fat prostitute.

No one really understands what the group routine even means. I feel that way every week. I never see the story they’re trying to tell. Fatty gives them a semi-compliment and calls it a day.

They placed second! McDance claims it’s because the other team had soul and a heart for dance and some of her girls don’t. Cool it with the excuses, Biggie Smalls.

Holly claims that coming in second isn’t losing. Except it is because they lost to first place. Losing is racist, but so is winning. THIS IS BECOMING A NIGHTMARE.

Fatty McDance announces that if the moms don’t stop bickering then someone is going to have to leave. It will be that turtleneck bitch Jill. So Jill goes crazy. Again.

Pretty Little Liars: The Naked Truth (As Recapped By My Mom)

Tue, 07 Feb 2012 18:14:20 -0600

Here’s is Mother-of-Recap-This on yesterday’s PRETTY LITTLE LIARS:

Here we go again. If the previews from last week are any indication of what’s in store for tonight—as Bette Davis said, “Fasten your seatbelts, it’s going to be a bumpy night.” She or her writers must have been visionaries because I don’t think seatbelts were even around when she uttered those words in the 1950 movie. I could be wrong. I am basing this on the fact that I am a child of the 50th and my parents never strapped me in a seatbelt. In full disclosure, I wasn’t the favorite child.

We open up to two usual things. First, a clock—in all this time I think it might be the first time we have ever known what time is it and the really shocking thing is people are up, dressed and out of their homes. It’s 7:42am, Hanna and her Mrs. Marin and Kate and her Mrs. Marin are all sitting in a room waiting to speak to the vice principal about the nudie pictures of Kate. From the look on their faces they all had lemons for breakfast—four very sour looks. Hanna still looks good, but Kate not so much. Her mouth and eyes both turn down when she is pouting. “Why the long face?” seems to apply here. I’m thinking the nudies might be a good thing for her since that face isn’t going to have the boys beating her door down. She needs to be thinking about how much it did for Kim K. I think Mr. Marin should have to be a part of this since his zipper problem is what got this debacle stated. I love when the vice principal comes in and says Mrs. Marin they both respond—just another reason Mr. Marin should also have to endure this humiliation.

Spencer, Emily and Aria are fixated on a red trench coat. Turns out that is what Allison/Vivian’s claim check was for. Spencer is being extremely bitchy to the others and she plays that part very well. I guess she thinks the rich girl gets to be the boss of the peons. She does allow Aria to touch the coat when Aria asks for her royal highness permission. Luckily permission was granted because Aria finds a phone number in one of the pockets. Spencer and Aria are hot to call the number but Emily is afraid for them to call. Emily says she doesn’t think they will find anything out from calling the number and Spencer says, “Well it’s probably easier than hiring the fat lady with the tube top at the farmers market who’s gonna tell you your fortune.” While she has a valid point here, she didn’t have be so bitchy saying it. I think Emily is going to cry until Spencer calls her out for being scared and then she gets indignant and to prove she is not scared, she grabs the paper and makes the call. I’ve never seen so many mean looks between Spencer and Emily. Meanwhile, Aria is remembering that the tube top lady makes really good apple butter. I’m thinking if Aria wasn’t always dressed for a walk in the park when it has to be winter in Rosewood she would be able to stay on point. Emily gets voicemail and freezes up, proving Spencer’s point but bubble head Aria saves the day. She grabs the phone and leaves a message saying she is a friend of Vivian’s and to please give her a call. I guess that girl can multi-task.

Things are not going well back at the vice principal’s office. I think it’s safe to say a mandatory visit to the principals office is never a good thing. Spencer could learn a few things from both Mrs. Marin’s. The new and improved Mrs. Marin, she could be the old Mrs. Marin’s younger sister. Why do men always think they have to get a new model? At least for the most part women are smart enough to realize once they have been left for the trophy, they are better off without the man-child. Back to the cat fight. Kate’s mom wants Hanna punished to the max for tying to destroy her precious daughters new life. She gets pretty ugly about what a bad girl Hanna is and how she has no parental supervision. Can’t really fight that one—but Ashley does—she says “her mother is a divorced women who works full time because her husband left her for you.” That’s the spirit Ashley don’t let that husband stealing trailer trash get the better of you. Poor Mr. Tamborelli wants out of this mess. He assures that trophy tramp that Rosewood has a “zero tolerance policy on bullying.” He actually said that with a straight face, I see an emmy in his future. As far as I can tell there are no rules at that school. He says the girls will have to work thought it at “Truth Up” day, which just so happens to be tomorrow. This is an overnight workshop where students own up to their bad behavior and make new connections. Parents and teachers supervise. This seems like a dream come true to over-active hormonal teenagers. A slumber party with way more students than supervisors. Hanna’s mom says she will supervise. Mr. Tamorelli says everyone needs a sleeping bag, a tooth brush and a change in attitude. Should be fun!!

It seems Hanna isn’t the only of the PLL’s having trouble with Mr. Tamorelli. He is keeping Emily off the swim team. She says he has a major contributor that doesn’t want her because he thinks she tarnishes the team. Not because she is gay, but because of all the Allison trouble. Everyone is in such a bad mood this week. Their blood sugar must be low. (I know someone that can relate to that.) Since everyone is in a mood, Aria decided to go confront Holden about what he is hiding. She says it’s not fair she doesn’t get to know who he’s meeting when he knows her secret. He’s not spilling his secrets, but his bags does get knocked over and a bag full of pills falls out. Not Michael Jackson or Anna Nicole worthy—but still a lot of pills. Holden sees that Aria sees them he puts them away.

Spencer’s bad day continues. She is in the cafeteria ALONE. I can’t imagine she was planning to eat without the gang but they have all been on edge with each other today. As she is looking for a table she sees Jenna and Noel looking like they might need to get a room and then she runs into Jason. She wants to know where he has been, and he says Georgia. He doesn’t want to make small talk with her he wants Spencer to give her father a message for him. He says to tell her father that he owes him a call and that he can’t keep dodging him. Before Spencer can give him the fourth degree as Hanna calls it, Aria’s mom comes and asks him to help supervise “Truth Day”. I guess any random (maybe murderer) can supervise. You have to love that zero tolerance policy they have. Jason says no until he hears Spencer’s parents will be supervising (I’ll believe that when I see it) and then he’s in. He really wants to talk to Mr. Hastings.

I guess school is over until the slumber party. Hanna is in her room looking at the nudie picture of Kate. Her mom comes in and is being all momish. This makes me very happy. She wants Hanna to know she will crush anyone that tries to hurt her. She really wants to help Hanna but Hanna is not giving her anything to work with. She says this is not the first time has has said someone was trying to frame her and she wants to know who it is. She tells her mom there is no name. Her mom asked if she sent the pictures and after a few tears she says no. I love Hanna.

Finally it’s slumber party time! Everyone is going to have to give up their cell phones and be assigned to a group. Holden is in line behind Aria and tries to act like nothing happened. She tells him she is not stupid (that is debatable) and she thinks he is hooked on something or selling. He tells her she is way off and then he is put in another line. Aria, Caleb and Jenna are in one group with some other unimportant people. Spencer’s mom and Jason are the team leaders for this group. Jason is not to happy when he finds out Peter will not be coming.

Another group is being lead by Hanna’s mom. Emily and Mona are the only notable people in this group. Hanna’s mom will ask them questions and if they feel it is true they are to take a step. Emily steps forward for every questions and when asked if anyone feels a lack of positive environment at school she take two giant steps. Hanna’s mom corrects her and she goes off about how unfairly she has been treated by Mr. Tamborellt. She really misses that swim team!! Mr. Tamborelli calls her over and says she better watch out because she is no saint. What a nice vice principal. I wish Hanna’s mom had heard the way he spoke to Emily. Mona did catch all of it. While this is going on Aria is getting a text from “A”. Apparently Aria didn’t turn her phone off. It says “Truth hurts, sweetie. May hurt your new pal more than you.-A” She looks around the room and Jason has his back turned and Jenna is digging in her purse. Could be either of them.

Ella is running the group with Hanna, Kate and Noel. They are doing an exercise where the person holding the ball speaks. Kate has the ball first and she says she wants to go back to her old school, don’t let the door hit you in the butt bitch! The next few people say stupid things. Ella takes the balls and tells them to talk about things they really could change. Ella gives the ball back to Kate so she can say a few more mean things. She says she wants to be able to decide Hanna’s punishment. If looks could kill she would be dead, Hanna is giving her the stink eye for sure. Noel gets the ball next and says if someone did that to me I would go postal but if I were Kate I would rent a billboard. Then he starts saying mean things about Hanna. Ella sees she has lost control of her group. Hanna grabs the ball and starts saying the things Noel said about her are really about him. She is almost begging for Ella to help her but she doesn’t. She asked Ella do you really think those things about me and Ella just keeps quite. Now I really hate her. I am glad that lying cheating husband of hers cheated on her and I hope he does it again. Hanna drops the ball and storms off.

I don’t know where Spencer is. So far we have not seen her in a group. It’s break time so I guess everyone will run a muck. Mona and Emily are in the bathroom and Emily is telling Mona that she is sorry for letting Allison treat Mona badly. Mona says she is over it. Then, they start talking about how sexist vice principal Tamborelli is being to Emily. It seems Mona might have a plan to get Emily back on the swim team. Mona worked in his office for a while and she is going to give Emily the dirt on him.

If I wasn’t in love with Caleb before (and I was) I now not only love him I worship him. Back in their group they are to write down hurtful things. Spencer’s mom asked Jenna who she would like to help her and Jenna just goes off on one of her mean rants. She says, “This school is filled with phonies and liars. They are everywhere.” Mrs. Hastings asked her what happened to her and she goes off about “the day I was in girls bathroom and got smacked.” Mrs. Hastings asked if she reported it and Caleb cut in and said, “Well she couldn’t because if she had she would have to admit she took the first punch, isn’t that right Jenna?” Then he continues, “Just to clarify, we are telling the whole truth today, right? Not just the part you want to remember?” You have got to love that boy!! He shut that troll up.

Finally we see Spencer roaming the halls. She sees Jason and confronts him about why he wants to talk to her father. She tells him she know her father lied about the date of the will to protect him. Jason won’t tell her why it is so important for him to speak to her father. Emily tells Aria still no call back from the number they found in the coat. They decide to call the number again. This time a girl answers and tell them no one there knows Vivian and not to call back again. While they are trying to decide if it means anything, Emily is called to the vice principals office. They seems to be on another break because everyone is running around. Holden asked Aria to eat with him but she says she can’t. He wants to know if they are still on for Saturday night and she says she is starting to feel weird about covering for him when she doesn’t know what he is doing.

Hanna and Caleb are sitting on the roof. So cute. Hanna is feeling like the world is against her. Caleb says he will trace the IP address that sent the nudie photo. When Emily get to the VP’s office she finds that Mona was the one that paged her. When Emily says the voice sounded just like Mr. T’s Mona says, “Yes, it’s a gift.” Mona is looking for evidence on his computer that they can use to get Emily back on the swim team. She finds that he has been taking bribes from rich football players parents.

“Truth Up” was good for one thing. It got the PLL’s moms together, not Emily’s of course. It is about time they put their heads together and tried to help their daughters. I am just assuming that is what they will do. Ella says she doesn’t think Hanna sent those pictures and maybe someone is just trying to make Hanna look bad. I guess she is trying to make up for letting Hanna down earlier. Hanna’s mom said she thinks that something happened to them after Allison’s death. Spencer’s mom says she doesn’t think whatever it is happened after Allison died but when they met Allison.

Spencer’s mom walks in on Jason leaving a message for Mr. Hastings. ”Same number, same house, you know where to find me.” Spencer happens by the room and decides to listen in. Jason says, “Mr. Hastings is not out of town” and she says that is none of his business and he says, “It is my business it’s always been my business I just didn’t know it until recently.” While listening. Spencer has a flashback to when she and Allison overheard an argument between her parents about catching Jason and Melissa kissing. Spencer remembers saying it’s not a big deal and Allison saying it would be a match frowned upon by the Gods. Spencer looks like it’s all making sense to her now. Is Jason her half brother? I once thought they would make a cute couple—-ugh.

While Caleb is trying to find out who sent the photos from Hanna’s phone Hanna is also doing a little detective work. Hanna saw Kate take off her sweater and noticed Kate has a birthmark on her side. Remembering that the photo on the phone didn’t have a birthmark she starts to think the photo was photoshopped. The girls all agree that “A” would not have tried to make Kate look better if she had sent it and then the bells go off in their heads. Maybe Kate sent it. Hanna follows Kate to the bathroom and tells her she knows who sent it. Kate admits she did it and then Aria and Emily walk out of the stalls holding their phones saying they recorded the conversation. Lets hope this is last time we have to see Kate. I hope they send her to horse school. Hanna wants to find her mom to let her hear the recording. She ask Aria to find Caleb and have him stop working on her phone. While looking for Caleb, she walks in on Jenna and Noel with the magic flashlight reading what people had written in secret. One said I know who killed Allison DeLaurentis. I’m pretty sure Aria didn’t see any of the writing on the board. She heads to the roof to look for Caleb. Spencer is aimlessly walking around when she sees Jason sitting alone listening to music and Caleb sitting in a classroom working on the phone. Poor Aria is on the roof looking for Caleb and I’m not feeling good about that. As Spencer walks around (it’s as if she is sleep walking), she gets a text. “Don’t be scared, Spencer. We are all family here. Some more than others .A.” Spencer asks Jason if her dad is his father? He wants to know who told her and she says that Ali did a long time ago— she just didn’t hear it until tonight. What a shame. Spencer and Jason really would’ve been a cute couple.

Aria is still on the roof looking for Caleb when she hears the door that she has propped open close. Where is Ezra when you need him? Really where is Ezra? (We haven’t seen him at all this week.) Aria hears someone and starts climbing up a ladder. She is already on the roof so I’m not sure where the ladder goes. Noel grabs her by the legs screaming, “Where is Caleb?” when out of nowhere comes Holden straight out of fight club and saves Aria. Once off the roof Aria has lots of questions about Holden knowing how to fight but he is not answering. Emily see Mona talking to Mr. Tamborelli and the next thing we know, Emily is back on the swim team. Nice work Mona!

Hanna is cleared of all wrong doing. We don’t know what (if anything) will happen to Kate. Spencer confronts her mom about Jason. Her mom says she didn’t know until Jason was an adult and that Melissa still doesn’t know. Spencer’s mom say every family has secret. No shit sherlock but thats a good one. Her mom says lets go home but Spencer says she doesn’t know where home is anymore. The good thing here is that her parents are never in town so as soon as they leave again Spencer can continue on as before. Cut to everyone in their sleeping bags. I don’t get it. The games are over why do they have to stay the night? I’m pretty sure all the adults went home. Who thinks that’s a good idea? I think this show should be based in California because it is way to progressive for Pennsylvania. Emily wakes up to find Spencer missing. Never fear, she is just sitting in a window thinking. She hasn’t had time to share the creepy news with the others yet. Emily notices she had not turned her phone back on and that she has 6 missed calls from the “coat” number. Aria and Hanna wake up and like magic—they get another call from that number. It’s a guy who says he can’t say anything about Vivian on the phone. He wants to meet in person. Emily says OK. WIll this give us some answers or just more questions? While all this is going on, the rest on the slumber party gang is fast asleep except for one person creeping around looking for Caleb. Why wasn’t Caleb sleeping by Hanna? Anyway back to the creeper—he/she black gloved of course stole Caleb’s computer. That’s all folks!

Until next time got a secret, can you keep it?

Teen Mom 2: Love Comes and Goes; Or: (In Waves)

Fri, 03 Feb 2012 12:51:50 -0600

I’m sorry I’ve been so slow to recap this one. It’s been a rough week. But I just read the info on this episode and immediately had to watch!

Jenelle has to move back in with her mom, Barbara, since she and Tori got into a fist fight. The day after she moves back in she also has a court date for her breaking & entering charge. Uh, and also her marijuana one. She and Barbara sit around talking about the fight. This is sure to turn into another fight. Barbara brings up Kiefer (presumably not Sutherland) and, somehow, neither one of them hits the others.

Kailyn is my least favorite. She’s so stupid. I don’t care to see her vacuum. She gets a call from her lawyer saying that Jo is going to have to keep paying child support because the hearing was postponed. She heads to Jo’s to drop off Isaac. They have a riveting conversation about child support. And about how he wants to meet Jordan, Kailyn’s future (probably sooner rather than later) baby-daddy. She agrees and waddles away.

Chelsea is hard at work scrubbing tanning beds at Brown Year Round. She’s been focusing on her GED and fiddling with her weave. Her hair looks like animals live in it. Back at her house, she’s babbling about the March of Dimes walk she wants to do. Is her lip pierced or is that a growth? She should see a doctor.

Leah and her friend, Kayla, take the girls to the park so they can gossip about Corey. Leah just can’t understand why Corey doesn’t want to move trailers. I don’t understand it either. Has he seen that basement in their current one? I don’t even understand the logistics of a trailer with a basement. Is it a hole in the ground? Like they started building a pool and then just decided to put a trailer over the hole? If someone can explain this please email me. I spent most of last week trying to figure this out.

Chelsea is obsessed with the March of Dimes walk. I think she’s under the impression that she is the founder of the March of Dimes. Or walking. Her hair looks even worse today. Has she ever seen a brush? Don’t you have to get weaves more than once? Hers looks like she’s trying to make it last FOREVER.

Jenelle! She’s spending “more time” with Jace. By “more time” I mean “she ate some ice cream in front of him and then left to meet with her lawyer.” Same thing.

She meets with her lawyer. Her court date is today and he’s just hearing the story about the weed being Kiefer’s? What? Shouldn’t she have told him all this when they initially met? Maybe I don’t understand law. (With the amount of Law & Order I watch I’m pretty sure I could be considered a practicing lawyer.)

Kailyn looks like she was born with a soft skull that didn’t form properly in the womb. She and her friend Meagan just do some chillin’ (her word, not mine). They talk about Jo meeting Jordan. Let’s totally talk about this more. I’m not bored at all. Meagan tells Kailyn that she saw on Twitter (the New York Times of our time) that Jo has a new girl. Kailyn is sure it’s a groupie. Uh, he’s not Mick Jagger, ladies. LET’S WORK TOGETHER TO CLASS IT UP. WE CAN DO BETTER THAN THIS.

Chelsea is STILL talking about the charity walk. Listen, slut, I did a charity walk when I was 6. YOU AREN’T IMPRESSING ANYONE. EVERYONE WITH LEGS HAS WALKED FOR THE CURE FOR SOMETHING OR OTHER IN THEIR DAY. I don’t understand what is happening.

Chelsea’s tongue ring is super cool. Since it’s 1996.

She calls Zach, her boss, asking if Year Round Brown will donate to her walk. He agrees to give her $100. You’d think he had just presented her with one of those giant checks you get when you win the lottery.

Leah and Corey meet to figure out their trailer woes while a bunch of basset hounds wrestle in the front yard.

They (Leah and Corey, not the basset hounds) do some fighting over what they should do- get a new trailer, get a new truck for Corey, do nothing. I have no idea what Corey is saying. It’s so weird they’re married. He says fuck and motherfucking a lot so the bleeps make it ever harder to figure out what he’s saying. Leah cries. Boohoo.

Kailyn isn’t feeling well so Jordan comes over to take care of her, but she hates the soup he brings. She’s a real bitch. And he kind of seems to hate her. She tells him Jo wants to meet him. Does she have chocolate on her face or does she have a growth too? Does he have a personality?

Jenelle has court today. With Kiefer. They haven’t been talking, but she’s going to pick him up anyway because the hobo doesn’t have a car. One of her hillbilly friends comes with them. These people talk about court like it’s no big deal. You’d think they were going to Olive Garden for a soup, salad and breadsticks lunch. NO BIG DEAL.

Kiefer says he’s going to throw coffee on the judge if he has to go [back] to jail. In other news, aren’t you supposed to look somewhat presentable? A PINK™ t-shirt passes for presentable in North Carolina? Noted.

Chelsea is consumed by the March of Dimes walk. She’s now making t-shirts. She has a thrilling life! She also wants her ex to choose her over “skanks and cars.” Uh, good luck. Skanks and cars always win. ALWAYS.

Leah wants to escape the house since she hates Corey so she and her friend, Kayla, leave to pick up something at her mom’s. She and Kayla have a real heart to heart. Leah isn’t sure Corey still loves her. Good luck when he finds out you were banging dudes weeks before your wedding. Leah’s mom tells her that they found a new trailer with her so she has to figure out what she wants to do.

Jo comes over to bring back Isaac and to meet Jordan. Jordan’s a real mess about it. Man up, fagatron. It’s really awkward, especially the part where they hug. I AM SO UNCOMFORTABLE HERE. No one says anything. Isaac looks like an old man midget. Kailyn proceeds to hound Jo about his new girlfriend.

Jenelle gets out of court! Kiefer’s marijuana and breaking and entering charges were dropped. Luckily he still has a cocaine charge, but that was a different time so he has another court date. Jenelle’s breaking & entering charges were dropped, too. But not her drug paraphernalia one. She’s not guilty, per se, but she is on probation. “So all the friends I’m hanging out with now I can’t hang out with no more,” she says, ever the grammartarian. She can’t hang out with anyone who has ties to drugs. She has a meltdown in the car because Kiefer got off and she didn’t. “I can’t go home and chill and smoke no more,” she ~~says~~ screams. Kiefer says he’ll stop smoking pot since she has to. Good luck with that promise.

It’s finally the March of Dimes walk. It’s riveting television. Chelsea raised $740. That’ll buy a lot of nothing.

Did Farrah Abraham teach Chelsea how to talk? They sound like the same idiot.

Leah tells Corey that her mom found her a trailer. She has to make up her mind by the next day. Corey says fuck a lot again. Then tells her to buy the trailer. But he doesn’t want to go with her. “This is too much right now.” Moving from one trailer to another trailer IS a lot. He’s right.

Wait, the information on the episode said that Corey found out Leah was banging dudes 2 weeks before their wedding and that didn’t happen. GET IT TOGETHER, MTV.

Pretty Little Liars: A Kiss Before Lying; Or: My Mother's Latest Recap

Thu, 02 Feb 2012 14:58:36 -0600

I want to go on record as saying Tuesday is my least favorite day of the week. This recapping comes easy to same people, I am not one of them. On Monday I start dreading PLL’s because I know I must have my recap finished sometime on Tuesday. I would rather spend the day having people use my face as their ashtray then do this, but I love my daughter so here I go again.

We start the episode minus one pretty little liar and plus one handsome little lair. Spencer, Emily, Aria and Caleb are gathered around the computer looking at what Caleb with his boy-wonder skills has discovered. I’m not sure where they are, but as usual it is so frigging dark, my eyes are bleeding trying to see what is going on. Please—writers or whoever- let there be light. The scare factor will still be there. I love when Spencer asks Caleb if he can make the video any lighter—now you know how we feel, bitches! Caleb is getting annoyed with the girls telling him what to do and tells them he is not talking requests. You go hunk-a-hunk-of-burning-love! Don’t let them run all over you—they need you more than you need them. He really should quit school and work for one of the governments alphabet units. I say, CIA might be his calling. While Caleb is trying to get the video brighter and bigger, poor little Hanna is desperately seeking her Susan’s. She tries Emily, then Aria, then Caleb and finally, Spencer. I am confused about the order of the calls. I would have gone for Caleb first. All hit ignore except Spencer. She takes the call even as she is saying, “I guess we all know who is low man on the totem pole.” Maybe if you weren’t so preachy and judgmental you wouldn’t be the last go to. Spencer is lying about being with her family. Why didn’t she just say Santa or the Easter Bunny was over since they are as real as her family? Anyway, Hanna hears Emily and Aria in the background and knows she is being left out. Poor Hanna. At least she doesn’t know Caleb is with them. Spencer says she has to go and Hanna says she gets it say hi to your “family” for me. Mother Surperior Spencer scolds Emily and Aria—who died and left Spencer in charge? Caleb has just about had all he can take of these three—Hanna look like a walk in the park to him about now. In trying to calm them down, he calls them ladies but you can tells ladies is not the word he is thinking. Back to the video, they see a fake ID in the box Officer Garrett had last week. At first they think it’s Jenna but when Caleb enlarged it they realized it’s Allison with dark hair. What? Why? This is when the Exorcist head spinning comes in. They say Allison already had a fake ID that looked like her why would need one that didn’t even look like her? Another mystery. Cue the theme music. I wish just one week it would be ‘Tubular Bells.’ (The Exorcist theme.)

Caleb has escaped the pretty little nut cases, I’m sure he is somewhere calming his nerves with a bit of weed. He’ll have to cut that out when he joins the CIA. Emily is rushing off to met Maya, nice of them to let Emily have a little fun two weeks in a row. Spencer thinks she and Aria will have a pity party since they are both (or so she thinks) lacking boyfriends. Aria says sorry she can’t stay because she has plans with Holden. (Code for Ezra.) Spencer gives it another try and brings up Ezra dumping Aria…Sorry not going to work. Ezra and Aria are hot and heavy, she’s lying to all of you. Does any one know why Aria is keeping the Ezra things a secret from her girls? Spencer says she has not talked to Toby. She has however, been sitting in his truck. She is not as dead inside as I had thought. She is crying—real tears. Who knew she had tears? Back to sitting in his truck—creepy—I am thinking she has a blow up doll named Toby that she is making out with in the truck since that seems to be all the truck was ever used for.

Aria and Ezra are just driving around. Why not roll the windows down and scream look at us? Aria is feeling bad about keeping their relationship a secret from her homies. I’m still not sure why they are doing that. They are having quite the make out session while driving. A wreck would also be a good way to keep the secret. These two are not thinking with the upper part of their bodies. In Ezra’s defense, he has looked at the road a few times. Poor sad Hanna has been reduced to spending the evening sitting at the kitchen table talking to her mom. Ashley needs to take some money out of the pasta box and pay the light bill. I think they would all feel better if they had some contact with the sun or any kind of lighting. They all seems to be suffering from seasonal affective disorder. These two are having a pity party about Mr. Marin and his new family moving back to Rosewood. Ashley tells Hanna she is not looking forward to running into them either but they have to take the high road or they will look like trash. I think that ship has sailed. I could make a list but I don’t think it’s necessary. Hanna promises to do everything she can to make Kate feel welcome at school. I think we all know that will not go well.

Day two- School—Hanna is stressing out about Kate’s arrival. She’s also a little pissy with the other liars because she knows they have been lying to her. Doesn’t she know that is that name of the show? Aria is dressed for a ski trip, Emily and Hanna are in sleeveless summer clothing and this takes the cake—Spencer is in winter clothing but as Hanna puts it, “Are you wearing a dude’s undershirt?” She is indeed wearing Toby’s undershirt. I bet it is dirty and smelly like Toby always looks. Speaking of looking like trash. Spencer tells the girls to stop looking at her likes she is one of those dogs with wheels for legs. Emily tells them her mom is coming tomorrow and she is so excited. Why? That women is a mean beast. I guess she is just thankful her father isn’t coming. Just as they sit down for the breakfast they never eat, Kate walks up. She looks like she might be wearing a uniform for a preppy school. She introduces herself to Hanna’s friends. Spencer seems to think they have met before but Kate says only at the wedding. Spencer has that dog with a bone look you just know she’s not going to let that go. Hanna and Kate leave for a class. On the way Hanna gets a text, “Call off your techno-boy-toy or I tell the cops what your mom keeps in the lasagna box. A.’

Once Hanna leaves, the other little liars have a chance to talk about Allison’s fake ID. Was it so she could date Ian or a way to get closer to “A” without “A” knowing it was Allison? I think “A” could probably see through a brown wig but that’s just me. Before they can go any further Hanna comes back. She tells the girls about the text and asked if they think Caleb still has the video file. They all say no—LIARS!! Then scatter like rats. Before Spencer can get away Hanna confronts her about why she is being shut of of the group. Hanna thinks they are mad at her for destroying the flash drive. She says she did it to protect Caleb and she would have done it for any of them.

Emily and Maya are in a room I have never seem. I guess maybe at Maya’s house. They look to be on a bed but it could be a sleeper sofa. Hard to tell. It’s dark, of course. It is also night and I know this because unlike most of the other homes in Rosewood, this room has windows. Emily is telling Maya how sad she is about not being able to celebrate with the swim team. I guess they won something. Emily may be sad about the swim team but she looks very happy to be with Maya. Just as the kissing starts, Emily gets a call from her mother. Maya wants to know if her mom still hates her. Emily tells her she never hated Maya just hated Emily liking girls. Maya is not so sure of that she says she will believe it when she sees it. Then, the make out session is back on.

Day 3 -school again, go figure. The four little liars and Kate are having lunch and Spencer is integrating Kate like she works for Homeland security. She is determined to find out where she knows Kate from. Kate denies everything Spencer asks her, but I get the feeling Kate knows what Spencer is after. Maybe if Spencer wasn’t wearing that ridiculous newsboy cap Kate would be able to answer her questions. I know I am detracted by it. Who dresses these girls? Emily is wearing a top my mother-in-law had when she was in her 80’s. Wasn’t pretty then isn’t pretty now! The other girls try to change the subject but Spencer can’t give it a rest. Kate has had enough and leaves. Pretty but empty headed Hanna tells Spencer to stop giving Kate the fourth degree. Smarty pants Spencer says it’s the third degree. Hanna says whatever stop giving her the degrees. The others are having a hard time holding back the laughter. Can’t blame them for that.

Emily finds a note on her locker—have you missed me. Just as she starts the head spinning her mom walks up. The notes from her. She wants to take Emily and the girls out to dinner. Emily says her friends have plans. Her mom asked of she has someone special she would like to invite. Emily says yes Maya is back. Mom looks none to happy about Maya being back but covers pretty well and says bring her it will give her another opportunity to get to know Maya.

It’s an episode full of school. No real classes of course but still they are at school. They all have gym class together—even Kate. Kate is having trouble with her locker combination so Spencer takes this opportunity to have private words with her. Spencer tells Kate she remembers where she knows her from. It seems Melissa was Kate’s counselor at a Horse Ranch in 2006. At first Kate denies it but then she comes clean. Kate finally says “I’m exactly who you think I am, what is it going to take for you to keep this to yourself?” Spencer says she won’t tell anyone but if Kate isn’t nice to Hanna she will show people a picture Melissa sent her from camp that year. Kate seems upset by all of this. I’m confused. I know I have some ugly pictures out there, but I am not afraid of them. There has to more to this story. If she has a sex tape her mother could release it and then she would be famous—so I don’t get it.

Time for dinner with Emily, Maya and Emily’s mom. This should be good. Already Maya is flirting with a guy and the guy is Noel. That one gets around. Emily looks a bit confused. She knows about the guy Maya was with when she and Maya were on a break. Anyone think it might have been Noel? Maya says he was helping her with an app on her phone. As they make their way to their table, we move to Aria and Holden on their fake date. Their fake date turns into a real date. Both admit their plans got canceled so they get a pizza and play a few games of air hockey.

Back to the most uncomfortable dinner of all time. can’t decide if Maya is nervous or just trying to say things to shock Emily’s mom. After a few pot references she get a phone call and then proceeds to say it is just a guy she dated that can’t get over her. Emily looks like she wants to die and her mom looks like she might be thinking about Maya’s death. I say it’s a good thing Emily’s mom doesn’t live there—those two are oil and water.

Spencer and Hanna are having a movie night. Hanna is obsessing about Kate. Spencer tells Hanna she has nothing to worry about because she has picture of Kate that Kate does not want people so see. After looking at the picture of Kate and getting a good laugh, she sees the picture of the fake ID on Spencer’s phone. Busted!! Spencer tells Hanna about Caleb coming to them after Hanna destroyed the flash drive. Hanna storms out says, “The whole time I worried about Kate backstabbing me I didn’t realize that you were holding the knife.” In fairness, it wasn’t just Spencer. Back to the uncomfortable dinner. Mom went to pay the bill. Don’t they usually bring the bill to the table? Anyway when she leaves Emily lets Maya know she was not happy with Maya’s behavior. They have a pretty ugly fight both having good points. I’m crazy about Emily but I just not sure I trust Maya.

We now see why Ezra has to cancel his plans with Aria. He is at a meeting with a bunch of old professors. One of the professors tells Ezra he is up for an associate dean position at a school in Louisiana. Seems the job is his if he wants it and the best part is Byron (as in Aria’s dad) has really pushed him for the job. He must let them know in a few days. Byron is such a jerk. I could really do without him.

Hanna and Caleb have a heart to heart. She tells him about the money problems they were having and about her mom taking the money from the bank. She says she has never told anyone except him but that someone knows and is blackmailing her. He says he will never tell anyone. He wants to know who it is and she says she doesn’t know but it’s their phone he is working on. Caleb goes to Jenna’s to confront her about Hanna. She’s not there but as he’s leaving Officer Garrett comes speeding up. He is acting crazy and I’m pretty sure that one is on steroids because he always has a bad case of ‘roid rage.’ He keeps making sure Caleb sees he has a gun and as he leaves he pretends he is going to run over Caleb. I wish Caleb had grabbed that gun and killed him. I don’t think I’m alone when I say, Rosewood would be a better place without officer Garrett.

Spencer comes over to Hanna’s to apologize for having Caleb work with them. Spencer says “A” has taken everything form her and she can’t lose Hanna too. Hanna forgives her, they hug and them start talking about the fake ID. Hanna tells Spencer she has seen Allison with dark hair. She flashes back a few years to a hair salon her mom had sent her to. She said a person with brown hair was in the chair next to her and the stylist called her Ms. Darkbloom. Vivenne Darkbloom was the name she was using. When Allison recognized her voice Allison admitted it was her and said she liked to pretend to be someone else because she gets bored with her ordinary life. She told Hanna she does it alot and took off the brown wig. Spencer says the name of the fake ID has to be Vivenne Darkbloom so she googles the name. Turns out Vivenne Darkbloom is an anagram for author Vladimir Nabokov who wrote one of Allison favorite books. Hanna borrowed Allison’s copy of the book before she died. As the girls thumb through it, a claim ticket from J & L falls out.

Emily goes over to Maya’s to apologize for the fight the night before. I think Maya should have been the one to make the first move but all ends well so who cares who made the first move. Emily tells Maya she worried abut having double the competition because Maya is into girls and boys. Maya tells her she is just into her. Maya tells Emily she loves her and Emily say she loves Maya.

Spencer calls the number on the claim ticket and they tell Spencer “It’s a miracle but I actually still have it.” He says, “When would you like to pick it up Mrs. Darkbloom?” I am guessing it is a claim ticket for a coat but thats just a guess. Why Spencer didn’t rush right over is a mystery to me but she went to school. Go figure. Something is up at school but Hanna doesn’t know what it is. Spencer, Emily and Aria confront her about thinking she was going to take the high road with Kate. She doesn’t have a clue what they are talking about until they show her their phone. The picture of Kate from camp and nude picture of her now was sent from Hanna’s phone to everyone in her address book. It said “Before and After: From boil n’baggies to boring bitch.” Daddy is not going to be happy with Hanna. Is it just me or does everyone think Hanna should grab Caleb and run while the running’s good? Now that the picture Spencer was holding over Kate is out she will be hell on wheels out to get Hanna.

“A” is not done yet… As we close, the black gloved one is picking the lock on a drawer in Peter Hastings desk. He/she takes a gun from the drawer. The black gloved one always looks different. Sometimes the hand looks big like a man, but tonight it looked smaller, more like a woman. We didn’t see Jenna tonight unless that hand was hers, but it looks like she is back in full force next week. The school is going to be on a lock in to find the truth. Here’s hoping Jack Nicholson shows up to say, “You can’t handle the truth.” That would make my day.

Who do you think is going to get shot? If someone has to die I hope it’s Officer Garrett. It better not be my boyfriend Caleb. It could be one of the parents—God knows they don’t make much of an impact of anyone.

Until the lock in—Got a secret can you keep it?

Dance Moms: No One Likes a Bully; Or: Who Said No One Likes A Bully? I Love a Bully

Thu, 02 Feb 2012 14:53:00 -0600

I got a comment on my last DANCE MOMS post from someone stating that Mackenzie read my post and asked what it meant. It also went on to grammatically incorrectly berate me. Note: I will not take comments seriously when the writer can’t differentiate between your and you’re. (Spoiler alert: they’re two different words!) I have a lot to say to that person (Hi Melissa!). Mostly notably: UH, SHE’S 6. WHY IS SHE READING THE INTERNET? (The second thing I’d say to her is: you’re the one who pushes her to dance and put her on TV, please don’t blame me or anyone else when she turns up coked up behind a truck stop turning cheap tricks inside the cab of a truck.)

Moving on to this week’s episode.

The Fatty McDance Dance Studio looks like it’s in the wilderness. Pittsburgh looks great!

This episode begins as they all do. With the pyramid unveiling. CHANGE IT UP, DANCE MOMS. Paige, Nia and Kendall are on the bottom. Mackenzie turns up on the middle row. I think she only won last week’s competition because everyone else competing died or something. Rounding out the middle is Maddie. WHAT? Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Chloe is on the top. Good for you, Chloe! I wonder who Melissa is going to have to bang this week to get Maddie back on top.

This week they are attending Hollywood Vibe, which is made up of creeps from Los Angeles looking for the “next big thing.” Um, it’s dancing, not movie acting. I doubt anyone is going to get famous being J Lo’s back up dancer in a video. (Unless J. Lo bangs them-then it’s a whole different ballgame.)

Maddie, Chloe and Kendall will all be performing in a trio dance this weekend at Hollywood Vibe. Paige is pissed. She and Kelly both know Fatty McD is doing this because she’s mad at Kelly.

The group number this week is about bullying. Holly and I finally agree on something: it’s ironic that Fatty is doing a bully-themed dance when all she does is bully kids 40 years younger and 400 lbs smaller than her. Guess who gets to play the bully? NIA! Holly is, of course, angry. Nia is super excited though. Shut up, Holly.

Since Brooke quit dancing Peyton is brought in to the group. She’s the one whose mom went nuts in the season premiere. Kendall’s mom, Jill, is leery of Peyton. She thinks she’s coming in to steal Kendall’s spot in the group dance.

Later, up in the OBSERVATION MEZZANINE, the moms are all fighting about the fact that Fatty McD pulled Paige from the undefeated trio.

Holly heads downstairs and says she has a huge problem with Nia playing the bully. Uh, get a life. THEY ARE DANCING. She’s a huge nerd. She’s obviously on the other side of bullydom at school. Let her pretend to be a bully for a week.

Fatty makes Chloe cry by telling her she doesn’t have a brain in her head. I wonder if she even gets the irony of this dance?

Later that night all the girls go to Kelly’s house to have a party for to celebrate Brooke making the cheerleading squad. Brooke is a mute creep throughout the party. Also, why are a bunch of children at a party for a teenager? This is the worst party I’ve ever been to.

Back at the studio, everyone is frantically rehearsing with the big, fat drill sergeant. The moms are all fighting again. Peyton is the new bully since Holly is an idiot and made Nia drop out as the bully.

I stopped paying attention for a few minutes because I hate the rehearsal stuff.

The moms go out to drink their lunch. They all fight about why they go to the studio if Abby is such a bully. Leslie (Peyton’s mom) really hounds them on this subject. I HATE HER VOICE. I want to seal up her trap. Holly arrives and babbles some nonsense about stereotypes and other stupid crap. THIS BROAD NEEDS TO COOL IT. Abby didn’t have Nia in a white hood, burning crosses on a stage. GET A LIFE.

This is a really uncomfortable lunch.

The day before the competition Fatty McDance shows off the girls’ slutty new costumes. They’re wearing fishnets and half shirts. “Peyton is the trashy mean girl,” Abby says. What a slut! All the moms think they look like strippers. They think that because they do look like strippers. Abby agrees to get rid of the fishnets.

They head to St. Louis. All the moms are real bitchy to each other. They all want to set Jill on fire. Who doesn’t?

Jill bribes Kendall with $20 if she does well. Uh, what can you buy with $20? Nothing. Why is that even considered a bribe? I’d dance horribly just to show my mom that she can’t offer me a pauper’s bribe to do well. I’m not getting out of bed for anything less than $100.

The trio begins their dance, but to start things off it’s wrong. Chloe is way too far away from the other two. And they’re dressed like 5 year olds. White trash five year olds.

After the dance Fatty McDance comes in to berate them. She tells Kendall she’s still on probation because of something she did with her foot.

Jill has one of my least favorite faces of all time.

The solos are next. Chloe and Maddie better get their heads out of their asses in the game and dance their hearts out. I hate Maddie’s smile when she dances. SOMETIMES IT’S INAPPROPRIATE. But that broad is one hell of a dancer.

Chloe’s turn! Everyone keeps talking about how much pressure she has to stay at the top of the pyramid. WHY IS THIS SOMETHING TO STRESS OUT ABOUT? It’s a pyramid made up by a fat broad? Uh, big deal.

Why do they dance to such terrible music?

Chloe dances her ass off. I love how much all the other girls love Chloe. Chloe is upset that Fatty pays less attention to her solo than Maddie’s. I’d be upset to. Big fat bitch.

Peyton is one ugly broad. Good luck in high school with that mouth-breather face.

Holly is in an uproar about something or other. I’m sure it’s race-related.

“She destroys you,” Fatty McDance whispers to Chloe about her mother. Christi goes crazy. Rightly so. I am just waiting for one of these moms to set Abby on fire. That’ll take A LOT of lighter fluid.

The girls do their super slutty bully number. To be perfectly honest I don’t “get” dance so I never actually “see” the story they’re trying to tell. I have no idea how this is supposed to portray bullying. Just looks like a bunch of sluts to me.

McDance storms into the room after the dance to tell Peyton that she sucked and she put the KICK ME sign in the wrong place on Maddie’s back. Peyton’s mom fights back. Then Mouth Breather Sue talks back. YOU CROSSED THE WRONG FAT WOMAN WHEN YOU OPENED YOUR MOUTH, PEYTON. (I guess I should say “when you opened your mouth WIDER” since you mouth breathe and you’re mouth is always open.)

Awards time! Maddie won her group. Poor Chloe didn’t even place. The trio doesn’t place either. And guess who didn’t place in the group? THESE GIRLS. You know why? Because it sucked! Fatty says they lost because of Peyton. Peyton stares at Abby with her demon eyes. She’s the new Vivi with those cold dead eyes.

Then the moms do some [more] fighting.

Freaky Eaters: Addicted to Corn Starch; Or: The One With More Delicious Addictions

Mon, 30 Jan 2012 16:55:00 -0600

What’s wrong with corn starch? It’s in nearly everything that I love! Why do I always feel such a kinship with these creeps? (I wasn’t even molested! WHAT IS MY EXCUSE?) When are JJ Virgin and Mike Dow going to show up at my house? (I’ll probably be in the middle of covering everything I’m eating in poached eggs.)

Let’s meet Nikki, a 34-year-old corn starch enthusiast. “It’s soft,” she says. So is my dog, Monkey, and you don’t see me eating him. (Yet.) She doesn’t even eat corn starch in stuff, she just eats it raw. She eats up to 2 lbs of it a day. That’s [only] 3300 calories. She seems to do the majority of the corn starch eating in her car. That’s where we all do our weird eating.

All this nonsense started when she was pregnant and had cravings. After she gave birth she got control of this “craziness.” Until tragedy struck and all that corn starch love came back. (Her youngest son died after having a seizure.) Now I feel bad. I can’t even blame this one on the ol’ molestation excuse.

Nikki is obese. Her ass is the biggest thing I’ve ever seen. Her husband, Charles, thinks she’s only eating 3 boxes a week since they only eat one meal a day together and he doesn’t see it. Turns out she’s eating 14! You’re a dummy, Charles. (Where do you think that giant ass came from?)

SHE HIDES IT EVERYWHERE! Her purse! Under a spare tire! Behind things hanging on her walls! I love this secretive broad. (I sometimes hide Nutella in my backseat. Kindred spirits.)

JJ Virgin and Mike Dow are sure to ruin this party.

Charles told her she has to get help or he’s leaving. “Corn starch is my best friend,” she says, as the dust from her best friend flies from her mouth.

Just as Nikki is digging around under her spare tire to find some corn starch, JJ Virgin and Mike Dow startle her. They startle her so badly that corn starch flies from her mouth like a plume of smoke. Also, this is the point in the show where we realize she’s missing a good number of teeth.

They go back into the house and make her find all of her hidden bags of corn starch. Then they talk about how much she poops. Once a week. Seems normal enough.

She panics when they tell her she has to tell her husband just how much she’s been eating. I have a hard time feeling sorry for her because I’m so consumed by her pink eye shadow that I can’t focus on much else.

They drag Nikki to a warehouse to show her that she’s eating 739 lbs of corn starch a year. It’s in a giant pool. JJ Virgin and Mike Dow actually walk across the corn starch! (Like Jesus, but instead of water it’s corn starch.) IT’S LIKE CEMENT! WHAT?!? How is she alive? She’s been doing this for 16 years. SHE’S A MEDICAL MIRACLE.

Next up, they dump 6 months worth of corn starch on the floor. It looks like a volcano eruption. It’s a powdery mess and it makes me want to make cookies.

Nikki seems to accept that she has a problem. This has been a real wakeup call for her.

Now it’s time for her to address Charles about her addiction. He’s totally shocked that she eats 2 boxes a day and she’s been hiding it everywhere. Don’t make her feel bad, Charles.

Apparently Nikki hasn’t had anywhere to go with her sadness so she eats corn starch. “I don’t want her to go to corn starch, I want her to go to her husband,” Mike Dow says. Who doesn’t want that, Mike Dow?

She promises to stop eating corn starch, but she has to go the doctor to see if she’s already done the damage.

I still can’t believe she only poops once a week.

Turns out she’s totally healthy. (Well, unless you consider obesity unhealthy.)

“I felt that corn starch was no longer my friend,” she says. Corn starch is going to be really pissed off when it hears this news.

JJ Virgin gives Nikki some tools to healthy eating and ways to wean herself off corn starch. This is always my least favorite part of FREAY EATERS episodes. Nikki’s kitchen makes me feel like there’s no oxygen left in the world. It’s REAL confining and dark and I don’t like being in it.

Mike Dow makes Nikki and Charles both write letters to their dead son. This assignment is mostly for Nikki. It’s to keep her from going back to the white powder.

JJ Virgin and Mike Dow leave her for 4 days to fend for herself. By day 3 she’s crazed for the starch, but she only eats 2 bites of the mix that JJ Virgin approved. The rest of the food she eats is “normal.”

Then she sits down to write the letter to her son and it’s a real moving moment.

Later, JJ Virgin and Mike Dow take Nikki and Charles on a boat ride so she can throw corn starch into the water as a symbol of letting go. You know, so she can kill everything living around the marina. Then they tie their letters they wrote to balloons and set them free into the atmosphere. I hate symbolism. But what I hate (and fear) more than symbolism is balloons being let go into the sky. They could very easily bring down an aircraft. I hate it. I am really upset with this episode and with Discovery Fit & Health

Pretty Little Liars: The Blonde Leading the Blind; Or: The One Where My Mom Wrote a Novel About The Episode At Hand

Wed, 25 Jan 2012 18:04:37 -0600

Tricia, my mother, is really into PRETTY LITTLE LIARS. Here’s proof:

Tonight’s episode begins with Spencer, Emily and Aria in Spencer’s kitchen waiting for Hanna to arrive with the info Caleb has gotten off of the phone “A” dropped. They do get some good info off the flash drive but the most shocking thing for me is that Hanna tells Spencer she saw her mom coming in as Hanna was arriving. Might we see Spencer’s parents this week? Do you think they will know who she is or just think a stranger is in their house? This relationship concerns me way more than who killed that bitch Allison. Hanna begrudgingly gives Spencer the flash drive. She is still pretty pissed her man has to be involved and perhaps become a target. I’m with Hanna, why put the eye candy in danger? Lets be honest here, would any of us really care if we lost Toby? Before they watch they all have to put their two cents in. Hanna is indignant about the fact that she is having to LIE to Caleb, as if she doesn’t lie like it’s her job. Aria, who is usually not funny makes a funny, but she is serious. She says, “My money’s on Officer Garrett in the green house with the cellphone.” (She and Ezra must play Clue in their spare time.) Finally, “the boss” (Spencer) says lets just take a look. It starts with the same old same old— “I know you want to kiss…” This is their clue to start the head spinning and eyes popping out of the sockets. Why they have to do that, I don’t know they have heard Allison say that a zillion times already. But wait, there’s more. Allison’s bedroom pops up on the screen and creepy Ian is hiding a camera in her room. As the little liars are trying to figure out why he would be hiding a camera in her room, Garrett and Jenna walk in. The girls realize it is a meeting of the N.A.T club. Ian wants to know why Jason didn’t come and they say, “A six pack and some weed did him in.” Jenna wants to know why Ian has called an emergency meeting. Ian says he tried to get Allison to hand over “our videos” but she wasn’t going for it. Officer Garrett seems to have a little cop rage and tells Ian, “I knew you’d go too far and those videos would come back to bite us. That’s why I bailed on this messed up club.” Ian says, “Well, welcome back. Now we find them before that bitch shows back up.” The hunt begins. Garrett finds the box of Allison’s things that Jason gave Aria a while back. The tape ends there. So what have we and the little pretties learned? Well, we now know that Jenna was also a member of the N.A.T. club and that they all (minus Jason) met in Allison’s bedroom the night she was killed. We also know that Ian recorded the meeting and I for one, don’t think officer Garrett and Helen Keller know that. (I guess another lesson learned is that sometimes a six pack and a little weed might not be a bad idea, it got Jason out of the taped meeting.) Another thing, the Hastings must have a VERY long driveway because Hanna said she passed Spencer’s mom as she was coming in yet she has not made it to the house. Probably waiting until Spencer leaves so she won’t have to make a half ass attempt to appear to care about her. They make my family look almost normal.

Sometime later—Rosewood time is difficult to tell, no clocks, windows only when we need to see how bad the storm is. It’s like being in a casino but not nearly as fun. Spencer gets a text with a picture of Spencer and Toby in one of their oh-so-romantic hillbilly truck make out sessions. It says “I warned you!” Just as she is showing it to Emily, Toby and the aforementioned gold truck pull up. That truck truly is a dream come true. I can’t wrap my mind around why they choose the truck over the no parent home, but that’s just me. Spencer had been trying to stay away from Toby for his own good but a force too strong to fight (likely, the gold truck) drew her back to him last week and the kiss made Toby think they were back together. He is not the brightest in the Lite Bright set. Wasn’t that a fun toy? Toby calls, Spencer makes Emily answer and say Spencer can’t come to the phone. Toby is confused. Duh. He wants answers but Emily won’t give him any either. The next thing we know all four liars are at SCHOOL, thats right school, not an actual classroom but they did bring books this time. Baby steps. They are sitting outside talking about how they all need to keep their loved ones safe and not letting them know all their secrets. They don’t even know all their secrets! It seems Rosewood is having a very mild winter no one seems cold or has on a coat. I guess Aria is not concerned about Ezra’s safety because she is all upset because he wont talk to her or see her. Holden appears and Emily calls him Aria’s beard. She precedes to explain to everyone that it means he’s gay and will go out with Aria but, not REALLY go out with her. Then they all try to decide if Holden is indeed gay. Spencer, Emily and Hanna say gay, Aria says no. She is now determined to find out. She is probably thinking it will be good for her relationship with Mr. Fitz if he is. I like to call him Mr. Fitz sometimes just so we can remember how seedy it really is. How easily we forget when we see them together looking like Ken and Barbie on top of a wedding cake. Where was I?

Caleb is still working on restoring the info from the phone. Looks like he had a school holiday because he is sitting at an outdoor restaurant, again winter time in Pennsylvania, working on it. He sees Garrett in the video and then looks up to see Garrett sitting at the table next to him. He quickly leaves but Garrett stops him telling he had forgotten his keys. Caleb looks guilty and scared, while Garrett look smug. I wonder if he knows what Caleb is doing. Please God don’t take Caleb away from us.

The girls are now in Aria’s bedroom trying to decide their next move. Hanna wants to turn to box over to the police and stop looking for clues. As she picks up the doll from Allison’s box she sees there are notes stuck in it. “It’s my turn to torture you.” “You think you’re safe on the outside, but you’re not when I’m on the inside.” “Scared yet? you should be bitch!” And “Next time, it’ll be your face, not this pumpkin.” The girls have a flash back to Halloween. They remember when they got to Allison’s house after the party her porch had been trashed. A knife was in the pumpkin with a note. The girls wanted to know what is said but Allison wouldn’t tell them. She says it was just Jason’s beer buddies trying to be funny.

Back to real time, they see that one of the notes was the note that was in the pumpkin with the knife——-in further review of the note they see it was signed by”A”. It was written on the back of an invitation to Noel’s Halloween party. They now know that “A” was after Allison before they became his/her/them’s target. Spencer says they referring to “A’ so I guess now, they think like the rest of us that “A” can’t be one person.

It must be the next day but who can be sure? Anyway they are back at school this time inside. I doubt anyone will have a class but lets see. Noel and Mona make a scene in the hall about their break up. Hanna finally decides to be her friend and try to make her feel better. They have their talk in the most private place of all the ladies rooms. They really should use a classroom for talks they are not used for anything else. Hanna and Mona decide they need a night out, who cares that it’s a school night, they plan to shut the place down. hen I’m sure there will be a late night meeting with the other girls. We shall see. After Hanna and Mona leave the always-lurking Jenna comes out of one of the stalls. I thought she was away having eye surgery? She looks very pleased with herself… Just dreaming of ways to hurt people I’m sure. Such a nice girl.

Finally, someone has taken my advice. Aria went to a classroom to make a private call to Ezra. She left him a voice mail asking him to meet her in Philly to talk face to face. She says, “If you come it means that there’s still a chance for us and if not…” The voicemail cuts off. Ezra sees that she has called but doesn’t listen to the message. They both look so sad. This is not the time to call him Mr. Fitz.

Remember the loose screw from the last episode? Looks like it was meant for Toby. Before you get excited thinking, well we all know what we are thinking. He only broke his arm. Here’s the funny part. Spencer’s mom found him and got him to the hospital. Of course we didn’t see her, but that’s Toby’s story. How lucky was he to fall the one day a year she is home? Guess who Toby’s doctor is? Wren. That oversized mellon of his must not be as empty as I had thought because he picked up the vibes between Spencer and Dr. Wren pretty quick. Just as boy genius asked if she wants to tell him something about Wren she gets a text. I bet for once Spencer was happy “A” wanted to talk. It said “Almost got him! Toby won’t be so lucky next time.” Spencer calls the girls to tell them Toby will be OK. YEA!! The girls are trying to decide if Jenna could have done this to Toby. Barbie (Aria) just can’t believe she would hurt her own stepbrother. Wake up Barbie! If she will sleep with him, there’s not much she won’t do. I know they are not real brother and sister but still—it’s creepy. Speaking of creepy, Toby wakes up to find Jenna standing over him in the hospital. She is telling him he has to stay away from Spencer and that Spencer is haunted. Really? I think you might be the haunted one. She is rubbing his leg all creepy and sexy-like at the same time and talking about them being a family. It is wrong on a number of levels.

Caleb is really pushing Hanna to tell him what is really going on. He has figured out that the little liars are trying to figure out who killed Allison and he wants to know why if the murder has already been solved. Hanna won’t tells him anything. He tells her about his encounter with Officer Garrett at the cafe and she goes nuts. She grabs the flash drive, throws it in the blender and hits blend. I would like to know what brand of blender the Marins have because the one I have can’t crush ice much less destroy metal. I am very impressed. Caleb is not happy with Hanna but not to worry as we now any smart computer guy always has a backup.

Emily and Jenna have a run in at the hospital. After a few ugly words on both sides, Emily tells her she is lucky she doesn’t take that stick and… Jenna tells her to be careful of misplaced anger. She says they all should have left him alone because everyone that gets close to them gets hurt. She almost sounds like she really cares about Toby. Emily wants to know if Jenna is threatening her and she says, “No, just stating a fact.” Girl is correct about that. I still can’t believe no one has asked her how the surgery went. You would think they would want to know if she can see. She is hell on wheels blind, God only knows what she can do with eyes. On another note I think maybe she had some work done while she was away. Her skin looks really good. I have such a difficult time concentrating when she is on camera. My mind goes all over the place like how does she do such a nice job with her make up and hair and how does she know if her clothes match. Also, I’m pretty sure she drives sometimes and that can’t be good. I have never been sure she is really blind. Emily, Spencer and Jenna have stopped by the hospital to visit Toby but guess who hasn’t. That’s right his parents. Rosewood parents certainly are not stepford parents. They don’t even seem to know they have children. Spencer has decided Jenna is right about her bringing danger to Toby and asked Emily to tell Toby that Spencer was seeing someone before they started dated and that he is back. Emily tells Toby Spencer has decided to date the old boyfriend again. Toby doesn’t believe her and wants to know if it is true who it is. Since it is not true Emily just leaves. Now I am feeling really sorry for Toby he looked pitiful in the hospital. His large head didn’t even look so large.

Aria and Holden have a “date”. All of a sudden Aria’s parents are the police. Instead of Holden picking her up Ella took her to Philly to meet Holden. Aria asked Holden if he is gay, he says no he is just late. He leaves her alone to wait and hope that Ezra will come meet her under the clock. She and Holden agree to meet again at 11:00. Ezra is meeting with a student about a paper he has written and is not happy about the grade. They have an odd conversation about love and being realistic. When the student leaves he tells Ezra “Be bold. The mighty forces will come to your aide”. Ezra finally listens to the message from Aria about meeting at 8:00 under the clock. Sad music is playing and we see Spencer sad looking out the window thinking about Toby then we see Aria waiting in the rain under the clock for Ezra. It all very sad. I might have cried a little.

Hanna and her mom are having a heart to heart about keeping secrets from the ones you love. Hanna wants to know if her mom ever lied to her father. Is that a real question? Then her mom, in my opinion, lies to Hanna by telling Hanna yes she lied to him twice. Really? Am the only one that doesn’t believe that? I watched Anderson last week, I saw the lying whisper. She says everyone lies at least once a day. Now that might have been her one for the day but I don’t believe Ashley only told two lies to the creep she was married to. Anyway Hanna seem to believe it and thats all that matters. Hanna leaves to go meet Mona for their night on the town. Before the fun can begin for Hanna and Mona they see Jenna and Noel having dinner together. Both look upset about it, Hanna more than Mona which Mona can’t understand. She is quick to tell Hanna she is the one Noel dropped.

Wren comes in to check on Toby he ask Wren if anything is going with Spencer. Wren says he kissed her when he was under the impression they were over. The next time we see Toby is packing to leave the hospital and looking very sad. I guess he is going to check himself out. Aria is also looking heart broken sitting all alone in the rain luckily she is under cover so if Ezra shows up she will still look pretty. FINALLY, she sees him. He just leaves his car in the middle of the road, gets out and calls her name. It’s not in slow mo this time they just walk to each other with that look of love. Nice music in the back ground, but also kind of a sad song. They stand in the rain kissing, Aria better hope wherever Holden has been he also got soaking wet or she’s going to have some plaining to do to Ella. The long kiss finally ends and Aria and Ezra go to his car to talk and make out. They both want it to work but are not sure they can make it work.

Caleb tells Spencer and Emily about Hanna destroying the flash drive but that he has a copy. He want to work with them but they can’t tell Hanna and he wants some answer to his questions. Good luck with that!! Ella drives up to pick up Aria and Holden is no where to be found. Just as Ella starts asking questions Holden runs up with desert for all of them. He says sorry it took so long but Aria was off on her directions. Saved by another good liar. Ella seems pleased with Holden. Holden looks pleased with himself. What has he been up to? I was like everyone else in thinking he was gay but he told Aria he wasn’t so what? He’s another mystery.

Spencer told Emily and Aria she told Caleb as little as possible. She told him that Jenna’s trying to frame them for Allison’s murder and that Garrett was helping her and that Ian’s confession probably doesn’t tell the whole story. They all feel bad about not telling Hanna Caleb is working with them. The girls are looking at the last of what Caleb was able to recover. They see Ian telling Jenna and Garrett that he has been recording their meeting. He says “once you are member of the club you are always a member of the club.” He also says “just making sure you’re in this as deep as I am”. Someone is coming up the stairs they all think it is Allison. The tape ends there. Emily is not sure she wants Caleb to keep trying to recover more but Spencer says he has to so it can finally be over.

The girls see Toby drive up by the time they get down to his truck he is gone. He has left the keys and a note for Spencer. Emily asks what it says and all she says is he is gone. Next we see the black gloves one taking down two pictures of Aria and Ezra he/she cuts Ezra out of the pictures and sets them on fire. Why Ezra? What did he do? Why not Caleb? Still lots of questions, but we did get some answers this week.

Until next week….Got a secret, can you keep it?

Teen Mom 2: The Beginning of the End; Or: The One Where Jenelle Goes Into a Rage (Oh, Wait! That's Every Episode.)

Wed, 25 Jan 2012 17:14:42 -0600

I am kind of bummed I just got into ~~this show~~ Jenelle. I never felt much when I watched bits and pieces of the first season, but last week I really got hooked. Too bad this episode is one of the last of the season. (Only 3 left!)

I guess between last week and this week Corey really decided to be a coal miner. They’re real excited that they’ll be able to afford some land for their new trailer. Yes, they are really excited about that. And not in some sort of hipster ironic way, but in a “we’re really excited about putting this trailer on some land” kind of way. To each his own, right? I mean, I guess.

They go look at the land and I’m scared through the television. It looks like Deliverance. Someone is going to get murdered here. “Is the schools good here?” Leah asks a man in the neighborhood. One can only hope they’re better than the one you attended, Leah.

Leah runs by her mom’s trailer to use the internet. Uh, does she not have it at her house? Do they all have trailers? What is happening? Wait! A trailer only costs $5000? HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?

Kailyn is really busy with community college and work. Of course she is. Sounds taxing. Joe hasn’t sent any of the child support payments he owes her, but he does send a letter [to court] that appears to have been written by a 7-year-old stating that he shouldn’t have to pay as much as the court says he should.

Chelsea is really stressed out! “I haven’t done any studying for my GED and I start my job at the tanning salon tomorrow, but I can’t think about any of that right now because Adam has been really distant,” she says. Looks like someone has her priorities in line. Apparently Adam called the night before and broke up with her. That’s cool. You brought a child into the world with her, but couldn’t bother to do the break-up in person? A real stand-up gent. Chelsea is a mess.

Jenelle’s mom wants her to pay child support. In other Jenelle news, she’s discovered that Keifer (not Sutherland) has been talking to other broads. “You’re the only dude I talk to,” she yells at him. And then yells and yells and yells. She and her mom go to Social Services to find out Jenelle has to pay $30 a week in child support. Um, what’s the point? What can you buy for $30? (Nothing.) “I DON’T WANT TO TALK TO NO ONE,” Jenelle screams at her mother. She has some real anger issues. She also has some real issues with the King’s English. I’m glad she has a kid.

Back at Kailyn’s apartment, she’s busy letting her child cover himself in food while she calls Joe to ask why he’s disputing child support. He tells her he’s not paying the amount she wants and she should get a better job. The broad can barely read, what kind of job does he expect her to get? Also, she wants to spend more time with her boyfriend so where is she going to find the time for a better job?

Kailyn and her boyfriend are both really droopy. Monotone and droopy. They’re a winning team!

Corey and Leah sit in a forrest, talking about the coal mining and the land and the trailer. (Where is Sissy Spacek?) He’s having second thoughts about all of it. He wants to slow down. They probably should have gone that route when they were 16 and banging.

“We’re not going to be able to get a house and a truck,” she says. I’ve never once in my whole life known someone who had to choose one or the other of those things. THEY AREN’T GENERALLY IN THE SAME PRICE BRACKET. I also wish Leah would stop saying “house.” IT’S A TRAILER. A TRAILER, LEAH!

Chelsea is still moping around about Adam so she goes to her mom’s house to talk and show off Aubree’s really classy animal print fleece onesie. The way Chelsea talks about her relationship with Adam is the way I talked about my 4th grade boyfriend. “He just stopped liking me,” she says.

I love Jenelle’s car seat covers. She and Kiefer are driving around fighting about who he’s texting. “WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU TEXTING IN A 508 AREA CODE?” she yells at him, over and over. “We’re about to drive you out to the middle of nowhere,” she says as she drives 100 mph out of a parking lot. I HOPE SHE IS GOING TO KILL HIM! Sadly he escapes and leaves the car on the highway.

Kailyn meets with a lawyer, but isn’t sure she can afford him. WHAT ARE ALL OF THESE PEOPLE DOING WITH THEIR TEEN MOM SALARIES? I am so confused. BLAH BLAH BLAH child support. Boring. Where’s Jenelle?

Leah’s current trailer is terrifying. It’s the filthiest place I’ve ever been. And the bathtub seems to be underground and filled with spiders. And the faucet is in the roof. I don’t know what I’m watching. HOW IS THIS PLACE A RESIDENCE? HOW IS THIS NOT A HOARDERS EPISODE? DID I CHANGE THE CHANNEL? HOW ARE THESE KIDS ALIVE? WHY ARE ALL PEOPLE ALLOWED TO PROCREATE? I am really upset watching this. Leah and Corey make Amber “Vaguely Asian” Portwood look like mother of the year.

Leah still can’t believe Corey wants to buy a truck instead of a new “house.” I still can’t believe it’s one or the other.

Chelsea heads to her first day at Year Round Brown. She’s trained by the boss as though it’s a real job that one needs training to do. In other news, how are tanning salons still a thing?

Leah and Corey take the girls to his dad’s so they can have a proper bath with running water that you don’t have to use a shovel to dig your way into. Then Leah goes to lunch with her mouth-breathing parents and she spends the entire time talking about the fact that Corey wants to buy a truck instead of a house. She asks them if they’ll help her find a trailer. Doesn’t even have to be nice, she says. That’s cool. I mean it can’t be worse than the one she has now, right? RIGHT?

How old is her dad? I thought he was her friend and had to rewind to make sure it was her dad.

Jenelle feels like she’s spiraling out of control because she’s such a mess about Kiefer. She tells her roommate what’s been doing on. The roommate feigns interest, but mostly just texts someone else. Then Kiefer calls and admits the 508 area code was his ex-girlfriend. “So now what are you gonna do? ARE YOU GONNA GO FUCK HER? ARE YOU GONNA GO MARRY HER? ARE YOU GONNA GO HAVE KIDS WITH HER?” she says. I HOPE THE ANSWER TO ALL OF THOSE QUESTIONS IS NO! Most importantly the “ARE YOU GONNA GO HAVE KIDS WITH HER” question. Then he shows up at her house and she requests that he show her the texts. (Does she not know that you can delete texts?) He shows her tons where he tells the ex to leave him alone. Then he storms off and sits alone in a bedroom. Then she gets mad at him for not caring or something. I’m not even sure what she’s mad at anymore. But she slams a door over and over. (Kiefer leaves.)

Later Jenelle goes into a rage because her roommates have friends over. Jenelle also sleeps in a twin bed. She is kind of an adult and has a kid, but she has a twin bed. Jenelle decides to move out. SHE’S TAKING THE COUCHES. Kiefer wanders back in and then there’s a really great group fight involving the two roommates (male and female) and Jenelle and Kiefer. Then Jenelle has a breakdown. I wonder if she knows that she’s on TV and we can all see her? It doesn’t seem like she knows how all this technology works.

Chelsea is still whining to her dad about Adam. MAN UP.

Leah tells Corey she’s going to look at trailers with or without him. He doesn’t want to go. So then they have a fight about how he’s only thinking about himself. Washing kids in mildew seems OK to Corey. He’s such a good dad!

She leaves.

Dance Moms: Brooke's Turning Point; Or: The One Where Abby is Fat (Volume 77)

Wed, 25 Jan 2012 14:19:36 -0600

Dance Moms! It’s that time of the week again! Questions for the lovely readers of this blog: what do you think of this season of Dance Moms? Are you enjoying it as much? Is something missing?

I feel like some of that magic from last season is gone. I can’t quite explain it, but some of the joy of watching is gone for me this season.

Moving on….this week the little broads are headed to New Jersey for their competition. Let’s go over the pyramid first. Nia is at the bottom because she’s an idiot and she screwed up the choreography last week. YOU HAVE ONE JOB TO DO, NIA, AND THAT IS TO DANCE. GET IT RIGHT! The bottom is rounded out by Kendall, that new kid who looks like a haggard chain smoking single mother. She started four counts ahead of everyone else. OH NO SHE DI’INT! (PS I just had to Google how to say/spell that because I’m white and I’ve never said it. This will mark both the first and last time I say it.) Paige and Mackenzie are also on the bottom. Mackenzie should be in the gutter. She shouldn’t even be on this pyramid. But this week she has a solo. Good God.

Maddie isn’t on top! She’s in the middle. She has some rehearsed, “I’m glad I’m not on a top. I want someone else to know what it feels like.” Uh, sure you do. I WISH YOU WEREN’T A LIAR. Also in the middle: Chloe.

Somehow Brooke is on the top. HOLD THE PHONE. What just happened? She lays on the floor and spins around on her neck. What? WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE? Who’d she have to bang to get to the top?

Mackenzie, Maddie and Chloe are all doing solos this week. Maddie and Chloe will be going head to head in the same age group. Christi is obviously nervous about this.

The group routine is called BORN TO DANCE and it’s about a child being born. I’m already grossed out and Brooke hasn’t even started gyrating on her own neck yet.

Fatty McDance really stresses Brooke out by telling her this all depends on her- she’s the glue holding it together.

They do some rehearsing and I hate it. The moms are all up in the OBSERVATION MEZZANINE freaking out about the girls doing a dance about birth. Especially when they see the girls acting as though they are being expunged from a vagina.

Then the moms gang up on Melissa and ask how she feels about Maddie not being on top. She doesn’t think it’s fair that Maddie wasn’t on top, but is glad someone else got a chance. BLAH BLAH BLAH.

“Right now Brooke’s the best,” Kelly says. Um, no she’s not. You’re an idiot.

Brooke can’t take how hard Fatty McDance is being on her this week. She’s also consumed with wanting to be a cheerleader. Later that night she goes to a football game even though Fatty McDance wants her to stay focused on dancing. At the game some cheerleaders ask her if she’s going to try out for the squad. Then we see Brooke and Kelly at home, which makes me uncomfortable because we almost never seen them at home. They have a real moving heart-to-heart about how Brooke needs to make a decision. If she decides to cheer Fatty McDance is sure to never let her in the dance studio again. (I’m not sure why she’d care.)

Back at the Fatty McDance Dance Studio, McD is rehearsing with Mackenzie. It’s not going well. Probably because Mackenzie is kind of dumb. And by “kind of” I mean “it’s unclear as to whether or not she actually has all of the lobes of a brain.”

The moms go to Olive or Twist (HA! PUN!) to drink some Cosmos like it’s 1998. Kelly tells them that Brooke is thinking about cheering. They all seem to think Brooke is a real asshole for wanting to do this in the middle of the season.

Maddie is rehearsing her solo. It’s jazzy. She’s not all that excited about jazz. Who is?

Chloe is also rehearsing. Her routine is called Don’t Touch Me (about molestation? Who’s to say?) and she loves it because it’s lyrical. She also loves it because she’s so sweet and agreeable that she likes everything. She’s a good little egg. I hope she makes it to Broadway one day.

Midway through the group routine rehearsal Fatty McD realizes Brooke isn’t even there. How is she just figuring this out? SHE GOES NUTS. She really takes it out on Maddie for some reason. Then she starts calling for Brooke. Uh, good luck, she’s off sleeping with a football player or something.

McDance beckons Kelly to come explain where Brooke is. “Something came up at school,” she says. Shouldn’t someone have said this before now? Fatty McDance goes ballistic. “SHE’S SCREWING ME, I CAN FEEL IT,” Mrs. McDance says of Brooke. Uh, I doubt she could feel any sort of screwing, what with all that girth.

Abby cancels the group routine. The moms don’t want to go if it’s just for solos. Christi stands behind Brooke’s decision because she’s a decent human being and there is something called free will and Brooke seems to be exercising hers.

Fatty McDance changes her mind- the group will be going, but she’ll be taking her name of the routine. She will not have her name attached to this and she will not be traveling with them!

She really seems to hate football players and cheerleaders. Probably because she was a big fat nerd in high school. (And adulthood.)

The group gets ready to depart on their bus. They’re having the most fun until Fatty McDance decides to show up and ruins the fun for everyone. Then she realizes Kelly isn’t there and says to Paige, “you really must know who’s important in your household.” She’s the worst person alive. I hope someone sets her on fire. Just because you’re too fat to be alive and everyone hates you doesn’t mean you have to say horrible things to children.

Cathy Nesbitt calls Melissa to tell her that Candy Apple will be at the competition in New Jersey. I’m sure it’ll be grown adults dressed as children competing on their team.

Fatty McDance does her usual stressing out the girls right before they go on the stage.

Everyone stands around talking about Cathy Nesbitt. They’re obsessed. (Who isn’t?)

Mackenzie’s solo is up first. Oh God. The craziest thing is that she doesn’t even mess up. I don’t understand.

Chloe does a great job. I hope she finally beats Maddie. Christi is so stressed out watching her dance. (So am I.)

Maddie comes out and does a real slutty jazz routine. I do not like it one bit. Maddie isn’t thrilled by her performance. Get in line, Maddie.

Back in Pittsburgh, Brooke is trying out for cheerleading. She’s not very good at it, but she makes the team. She’s such a nervous weirdo all the time.

Mackenzie wins her age group. And then the the world ends and Maddie comes in third. AND CHLOE COMES IN FIRST! I’m so proud of that little broad!

The girls perform their group routine, but I’m still so happy for Chloe that I don’t really care. The Candy Apple team does a really creepy mermaid dance that features Vivi roaming on and off the stage while a bunch of full blown adults dance around.

Everyone gets all teary-eyed watching the Abby Lee girls do their birth dance. I hate when they do that thing with their arms and walk on their toes like Frankenstein. They come in first! No one needs you, Brooke. (The Candy Apples come in 8th. Nice work.)

After the competition Abby and the moms go to “congratulate” Cathy Nesbitt and ask for a bee costume back that Vivi once wore. (Cathy gave it to Goodwill. That was charitable of her.) Then Cathy Nesbitt makes fun of Christi’s nose and pushes her. Cathy Nesbitt THEN makes fun of Christi’s style…while wearing a blue fur vest. Pot obviously hasn’t met kettle.

Next week on Dance Moms: Vivi’s laser eyes kill Cathy Nesbitt, Minister Dawn returns and Brooke cries all the way from the cheerleading squad.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: The Real Wedding of Beverly Hills; Or: That Was Torturous to Watch

Tue, 24 Jan 2012 16:30:53 -0600

I’m kind of glad the finale is finally here. It’s been a bunk season of RHoBH and I really hate watching it.

Lisa VANDERPUMP is preparing for Pandora’s “intimate” wedding. By intimate they mean huge. The tent is bigger than most houses. VANDERPUMP is concerned about the flowers because it’s so hot out. Ugh, I’m so bored.

Oh joy! Adrienne and Paul. Paul is having his millionth colonoscopy, but he still asks questions like he’s never had one and like he’s not a doctor. Paul asks Adrienne to help him give himself an enema. I am sick. Luckily she’s a bitch and won’t do it. And why are we seeing him getting a colonoscopy? Was there NOTHING ELSE to show? NOTHING? No footage of Russell hitting Taylor? No footage of someone sleeping? This is pointless. Ugh, I’m so bored.

Back at the VANDERPUMP manse they’re [still] excitedly getting ready for the wedding. I DIDN’T SIGN ON TO THIS SHOW TO WATCH PANDORA. I am so bored watching this. VANDERPUMP wears a wife beater while watching someone wheel in a $9500 wedding cake. It comes in in stages. Ken carries in a part of it, much to VANDERPUMP’S dismay.

Kyle makes Mauricio and Portia help her decide what to wear to the big wedding. Mauricio doesn’t really care. Kyle shows him some of her typical ugly dresses. She’s so pretty, but she wears the tackiest clothes. If I see her in a strappy-sided dress one more time I will kill someone. And how does Mauricio not have black tie? Everyone has black tie! Except hillbillies. This is obviously staged. There is no way he doesn’t his own tuxedo.

Franc is nowhere to be found. VANDERPUMP is pissed. She shouldn’t have hired that creepy asian-ish fagatron in the first place.

Camille and her hired friend, Elizabeth, are picking out a dress for the wedding too. No way did any of these people pick dresses the day of the event. I don’t even do that and I wear pajamas most of the time. So I certainly wouldn’t do it if I was forced to wear gowns.

Camille is dating some man named Demitri. She’s not ready for marriage (uh, duh. It’s not like you’re a lesbian.), but one day when she can “trust again” (blah blah blah) she might be.

Franc finally arrives in a woman’s shirt and pants. He looks nice. Except for his clothes and his body and, especially, his horrible face. Why is he made out of wax? He keeps telling VANDERPUMP to relax because everything is his job. Uh, then why did you show up an hour before the ceremony?

Some creepy triplets arrive to do hair and make-up. VANDERPUMP’S son, Max, comes in with a mohawk, and she promptly makes him shave it off. Only because it looks like a ferret.

Ken decides to write a speech an hour before the wedding. But first he and VANDERPUMP decide what black tie outfit Giggy will wear. He has multiple ones to choose from, but Mauricio doesn’t even have one? Makes sense.

The wedding is almost underway. There are hundreds of dogs. Pandora can barely walk down the stairs because her dress is so huge and stiff. VANDERPUMP and Ken are so happy for her. They’re good eggs, those two.

All the other broads and their gentlemen are at the House of Crap and Gold™ having a pre-wedding drink. (In some terrible circles this is known as pre-gaming. I hope those circles catch on fire.)

How does no one know that Jason, Pandora’s fiance/husband, is the gayest person alive? He kind of makes Franc look straight.

I’m bored at this wedding. Thank God it’s over.

Three weeks later- Kyle is preparing for a dinner party with the broads.

Mauricio is so handsome.

Everyone is real dressed up at this dinner/cocktail party. I am glad all the dinner parties I have involve soft clothes. And also no guests. (I hate chatting.)

Kim’s dead or something. This is also the first time the broads have seen Taylor since Russell’s demise.

They all seem to think Kennedy is going to be OK because she’s so young. Uh, her dad beat up her mom and then hung himself. She’s going to be on an episode of Freaky Eaters or Beyond Scared Straight before we know it.

Adrienne presents each lady with a Maloof Hoof. Everyone’s obviously really thrilled.

Thank God that’s over.

Freaky Eaters: Addicted to Cheesy Potatoes; Or: This is the Title of My Memoir

Mon, 23 Jan 2012 15:12:00 -0600

I’ve been putting off recapping this episode mostly because I hate seeing myself in these people the television deems “freaks.” What’s so bad about being addicted to cheesy potatoes? NOTHING! THEY ARE DELICIOUS. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THIS. STOP TELLING ME THAT THERE IS.

Anyway, I’m obviously on this person’s side. I think cheesy potatoes should make up the entire food pyramid. Nothing else. (PS I know that the pyramid has been changed to a plate or a circle or something stupid, but call me Abby Lee Miller, I love a pyramid.)

I’m already craving the cheesy potato recipe I’ve been eating since I was a kid and I haven’t even started the episode yet. (Email me for the recipe. It will change your life.)

Moving on…Kelly loves cheesy potatoes because she’s a genius. She’s 34 and so what if she’s obese? She eats 8000 calories a day- all potatoes and cheese. That’s 8 potatoes and 4 cups of cheese. MARRY ME, KELLY.

She also likes sitting in the car eating cheesy potatoes. It reminds me of the time I ate a pizza in the car. Three times. Or the time I ate Nutella in the car. 12 times. Or the time I bought a candy apple out of someone’s trunk and ate it in the car. That just happened once.

(I am so lucky I’m not obese and diabetic. Just writing about this makes me realize this.)

I wonder if a potato molested Kelly.

When she was 4 she was forced to eat food that didn’t agree with her. Since that time she’s only eaten cheesy potatoes.

“I don’t really eat in front of other people. I don’t really want people to know,” she says. On camera. On national TV. (Does she not see the camera? Is she confused? Am I confused?)

Kelly can’t stand the smell or look of most foods- especially vegetables. When her husband is cooking she sprawls out on the couch. He tries to force her to eat a green vegetable, but she gags and cries. She GAGS AND CRIES.

She’s gained 150 lbs in 3 years. Get in line, fatty.

My favorite part of the show is watching her lounge on her too-small couch.

JJ Virgin and Mike Dow to the rescue! They’re sure to waste a ton of potatoes by throwing them on the ground later. They startle here while she’s eating potatoes in an alley.

She cries again. Man up. You’re untouchable, bitch.

She doesn’t even seem to eat cheesy potatoes that look that great. There are so many better ways to make cheesy potatoes. Oh! But she does make a cheesy potato burrito on weekends that sounds like something I’d be interested in.

Patrick, her husband, cries a lot too. He’s afraid he’s going to wake up next to a dead wife.

It’s time to show Kelly how many potatoes and how much cheese she consumes in 4 months. He pours buckets of potatoes down a hill. CATCH THEM AND EAT THEM, KELLY.

She eats 900 lbs of potatoes in 4 months. Kelly thinks it’s disgusting. I think it’s a dream!

They make her pour her monthly amount of cheese on the potatoes. EAT IT OFF THE GROUND, KELLY.

She cries again and they make her talk to the cheesy potatoes. It’s a moving moment. Or it would be if I weren’t in my kitchen making cheesy potatoes and not paying attention.

Now she’s getting checked for Diabetes and heart disease. Stop being a downer, JJ Virgin.

“I thought I was healthy, just overweight,” Kelly says. To which JJ Virgin responds, “you’re morbidly obese.” GO TO HELL, JJ VIRGIN. NOBODY ASKED YOU.

In other news I was Googling this broad to try to find a better picture of her sprawled out on her couch and I found a picture of this delicious looking sandwich:

Mike Dow does some therapy where he makes Kelly touch foods that creep her out. Well, first she has to touch a potato. She’s real happy to touch the potato. Next up: her enemy, BROCCOLI! I’m bored by this segment. I’d like to see her eat some more cheesy potatoes.

They give her cheesy potato burritos, but they put some enemy-food in each one. She’s OK with this! SHE’S A QUITTER.

They force her to eat ham. Looking at her you’d think she’d be totally into ham, but she isn’t.

Moving on…JJ Virgin makes her start exercising. By exercising I mean walking while carrying a bag of potatoes.

Kelly makes some progress or whatever. Boring. On the third day she attempts to try broccoli. But she makes the mistake of adding cheese on it and that causes her to spiral into a cheesy potato nightmare. She eats the broccoli though. She doesn’t hate it, but then she devours a plate of cheesy potatoes.

JJ Virgin and Mike Dow return 7 days later to check on her. They are OK with the fact that she slipped and ate some cheesy potatoes. They are a little upset that she still can’t eat with her husband. So they make her have a full blown meal with him at a table. (Why is he married to her? [Don’t tell me it’s because of love.]

She succeeds! “This is the first salad I’ve ever aten in my entire life.” Next up for Kelly, grammar lessons!

She hasn’t eaten (aten) cheesy potatoes since the experts left. She should probably kill herself.

Drew Petterson: Untouchable; Or: I'M UNTOUCHABLE, BITCH

Sun, 22 Jan 2012 13:39:08 -0600

I’ve been looking forward to this Lifetime movie since about the time that Drew Peterson started murdering all his wives. Then once I saw the trailer for it I knew that I’d have a new favorite Made For TV Movie™. I don’t really enjoy recapping things that are 2 hours long, but once I started it I knew I had a lot to say about it. Rob Lowe is awesome. I love his big gray mustache. The movie starts with some dumb interview that I don’t really care about. Start killing all your wives, please. This is apparently an interview after some of the wives had been murdered.

Cut to the past. Drew is banging his wife. It’s real sexy, especially with that big grey mustache. Their son, Justin, catches them. IT IS TOTALLY CREEPY because Drew says, “you were gettin’ too much lovin’ from big daddy.” HE SAYS THAT OUTLOUD AND THEN HE GETS UP NUDE FOR HIS SON TO SEE AND THEN SAYS “HE HAS A RIGHT TO KNOW WHY THEY CALL ME BIG DADDY” AND I CAN’T STOP WRITING IN ALL CAPS WITH NO GRAMMAR. I don’t know what to do! I am both creeped out and so excited that this movie was made!

After that creep-fest, Drew and his partner (he’s a Bollingbrook, IL cop) are out on a call. They go to a hotel because some crazy drunk man is running around with scissors. I AM READY FOR DREW PETERSON TO KILL SOMEONE NOW.

Anyway, at the hotel he meets some slutty desk clerk Stacy (played by Kaley Cuoco from that dreadful BIG BANG THEORY. [PS If you watch that please don’t talk to me.]) Drew and Stacy do some really uncomfortable flirting. Then Drew makes a really sexy arrest in front of her. Luckily she’s leaving her shift just as this is happening so she gets to blow him a kiss as her friend who picked her up drives by. Another sexy scene! SEXY!

The next day Drew and his current (undead) wife, Kathleen, head out to a party at the police station. They obviously hate each other. He makes really hilarious jokes about her period and stuff. HEY KATHLEEN, LET HIM MAKE THOSE JOKES. HE’S GOING TO KILL YOU IF YOU DON’T.

The party looks terrible… just a bunch of drunk cops and wives and a few sluts. Kathleen gets drunk and won’t bang Drew in a jail cell so he locks her in it. Seems about right.

This is the best movie I’ve ever seen- on TV or in theaters.

Sometime later in the week a nice big Harley pulls up to the motel where Stacy works. GUESS WHO IS ON IT? DREW PETERSON! He revs up that hog to impress her. AND IT WORKS!

They go for a ride to the place where he keeps his plane. What? She thinks he has tons of money because of this. Um, he’s a cop. She knows this. He says he owns some businesses. He wants to take her out for steak and lobster. “I’ve never had lobster,” she says. Uh, who hasn’t had lobster? What kind of hillbilly is she?

They do some kissing and then he tells her that, technically, he’s still married. By technically he means he hasn’t killed her yet.

The following morning he arrives home and Kathleen goes crazy. They fight, but HE JUST WON’T KILL HER.

Later he gives Stacy a car. (He’ll eventually kill her so this doesn’t really make up for that fact.)

Drew brings Stacy to his basement to bang her. She seems fairly OK with this. Later in the day Kathleen shows Drew a letter she got in the mail saying how stupid she is for not knowing he is cheating on her. She kicks him out of the house. But he’s untouchable, bitch, so he doesn’t leave.

Uhoh, Stacy is pregnant! BETTER KILL HER NOW! Turns out he’s excited, or so he says.

Drew keeps breaking into his own house to get things, but mostly to scare Kathleen. She calls the cops. Good luck, he’s a cop too. They let each other murder.

Kathleen tries to warn Stacy, but Stacy is too dumb to listen.

She has the baby, they get married, everything is great! (Except for all the murder that is going to happen soon.)

Then we cut back to the present time interview. He asks Drew about all the phone calls Kathleen made to the police when Drew broke into the house.

Back in the past, Drew goes to drop the kids off at Kathleen’s, but she’s mysteriously not home. He has a neighbor go in and look for her. Guess what the neighbor finds? HER DEAD BODY IN THE BATHTUB! I wonder if Drew had anything to do with this?

Drew takes Stacy to the police station so they can question her. Luckily Drew has given her some rehearsed answers to say. Also, she’s pregnant again. So that’s cool.

He calls Stacy a “big, fat sweaty monster.” Marry me, Drew Peterson!

Stacy and Drew have a daughter. Then he gives her a new cell phone and tells her to answer it on the third ring every time he calls. What a caring husband.

Drew checks Stacy’s email and phone. Then he smashes her up against a TV. This all happens during a BBQ. Typical BBQ activities.

Stacy decides she wants a job. Drew is having none of that. He shuts that right down!

Drew stakes out his own house. “You keep your damn pole away from my wife,” he says to his partner.

Stacy’s sister dies. At the funeral Drew announces that he’s sure Stacy has been banging her sister’s husband. Later that night he says, “I want to know how many times you banged him. You forget that I know the kind of whore you are” while he slams her down and holds her hostage. She says Kathleen was right, he has to leave. She threatens to tell everyone he killed Kathleen. Uh, good luck with that. You’ll be dead by dawn.

The next day Stacy goes to lunch with an ex-boyfriend to talk about how brave she used to be or something. GUESS WHO SHOWS UP? DREW PETERSON, BITCH! He stands over their table while they eat. He’s obsessed with her banging other people.

I’m ready for him to kill Stacy now.

Oh, good. He does. He says “she left to go to her sister’s and never returned.” THAT IS ALWAYS THE CASE. Stop using that excuse, Husbands-Who-Murder. We all know it means you killed your wife and buried her body somewhere for Roy Kronk to find her.

Later he says she left him for another man.

Drew Peterson is almost as good at murder as Emily Thorne is at revenge.

Stacy’s sister goes to a newspaper reporter to tell him the whole story. He was the same reporter who kind of investigated Kathleen’s death. Then Matt Lauer comes in and does a story. Shit’s hitting the fan like crazy, Drew Peterson.

He takes the kids over to the neighbors house and then announces to her, “it’s been a long time since I banged a girl in the bathroom.” Then he talks about how much he loves Stacy, while really scary music plays. (PS I bit off all my nails.)

These poor kids, their moms keep getting murdered.

He still hasn’t said, “I’m untouchable, bitch” yet. WHEN IS THAT GOING TO HAPPEN?

Drew’s brother tries to kill himself. Are they sure Drew didn’t try to kill him? He’s so into killing and all.

Meredith Viera is all over this movie. I love her on MILLIONAIRE!

Drew tells a reporter she’s so hot. Then he scares some people at his old police station. He’s really not doing well not acting creepy and suspicious.

I wish he had another wife to murder.

Drew goes on a media tour of the country. He’s obsessed with talking about Stacy’s period, too. He’s gay for menstruation.

Drew and some friends head out to pick up broads. Ladies know he’s killed like 20 people and they still bang him. Fact: Women are too stupid to be alive.

He gets engaged to some 23-year-old single mother named Chloe. Women are the best! But later she storms out in fear. Then he kind of threatens her. It’s all in good fun, Chloe!

Drew heads over to the neighbors house to do some threatening. Then he says it! “I’M UNTOUCHABLE, BITCH!” as he shuts her garage with the opener he stole from her.

Drew goes on Larry King to “clear up some misconceptions.” Doesn’t really work. We all know you love killing wives, Drew!

Drew has his brother help him carry a huge barrel out of the house and dispose of it. It’s probably not a body or anything, Brother.

He gets arrested and makes some hilarious jokes. Shockingly not about his wives periods.