Posts tagged FE

What’s wrong with corn starch? It’s in nearly everything that I love! Why do I always feel such a kinship with these creeps? (I wasn’t even molested! WHAT IS MY EXCUSE?) When are JJ Virgin and Mike Dow going to show up at my house? (I’ll probably be in the middle of covering everything I’m eating in poached eggs.)

Let’s meet Nikki, a 34-year-old corn starch enthusiast. “It’s soft,” she says. So is my dog, Monkey, and you don’t see me eating him. (Yet.) She doesn’t even eat corn starch in stuff, she just eats it raw. She eats up to 2 lbs of it a day. That’s [only] 3300 calories. She seems to do the majority of the corn starch eating in her car. That’s where we all do our weird eating. 

All this nonsense started when she was pregnant and had cravings. After she gave birth she got control of this “craziness.” Until tragedy struck and all that corn starch love came back. (Her youngest son died after having a seizure.) Now I feel bad. I can’t even blame this one on the ol’ molestation excuse. 

Nikki is obese. Her ass is the biggest thing I’ve ever seen. Her husband, Charles, thinks she’s only eating 3 boxes a week since they only eat one meal a day together and he doesn’t see it. Turns out she’s eating 14! You’re a dummy, Charles. (Where do you think that giant ass came from?)

SHE HIDES IT EVERYWHERE! Her purse! Under a spare tire! Behind things hanging on her walls! I love this secretive broad. (I sometimes hide Nutella in my backseat. Kindred spirits.)

JJ Virgin and Mike Dow are sure to ruin this party. 

Charles told her she has to get help or he’s leaving. “Corn starch is my best friend,” she says, as the dust from her best friend flies from her mouth. 

Just as Nikki is digging around under her spare tire to find some corn starch, JJ Virgin and Mike Dow startle her. They startle her so badly that corn starch flies from her mouth like a plume of smoke. Also, this is the point in the show where we realize she’s missing a good number of teeth. 

They go back into the house and make her find all of her hidden bags of corn starch. Then they talk about how much she poops. Once a week. Seems normal enough. 

She panics when they tell her she has to tell her husband just how much she’s been eating. I have a hard time feeling sorry for her because I’m so consumed by her pink eye shadow that I can’t focus on much else. 

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I’ve been putting off recapping this episode mostly because I hate seeing myself in these people the television deems “freaks.” What’s so bad about being addicted to cheesy potatoes? NOTHING! THEY ARE DELICIOUS. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THIS. STOP TELLING ME THAT THERE IS.

Anyway, I’m obviously on this person’s side. I think cheesy potatoes should make up the entire food pyramid. Nothing else. (PS I know that the pyramid has been changed to a plate or a circle or something stupid, but call me Abby Lee Miller, I love a pyramid.)

I’m already craving the cheesy potato recipe I’ve been eating since I was a kid and I haven’t even started the episode yet. (Email me for the recipe. It will change your life.)

Moving on…Kelly loves cheesy potatoes because she’s a genius. She’s 34 and so what if she’s obese? She eats 8000 calories a day- all potatoes and cheese. That’s 8 potatoes and 4 cups of cheese. MARRY ME, KELLY. 

She also likes sitting in the car eating cheesy potatoes. It reminds me of the time I ate a pizza in the car. Three times. Or the time I ate Nutella in the car. 12 times. Or the time I bought a candy apple out of someone’s trunk and ate it in the car. That just happened once. 

(I am so lucky I’m not obese and diabetic. Just writing about this makes me realize this.)

I wonder if a potato molested Kelly.

When she was 4 she was forced to eat food that didn’t agree with her. Since that time she’s only eaten cheesy potatoes. 

“I don’t really eat in front of other people. I don’t really want people to know,” she says. On camera. On national TV. (Does she not see the camera? Is she confused? Am I confused?)

Kelly can’t stand the smell or look of most foods- especially vegetables. When her husband is cooking she sprawls out on the couch. He tries to force her to eat a green vegetable, but she gags and cries. She GAGS AND CRIES. 

She’s gained 150 lbs in 3 years. Get in line, fatty. 

My favorite part of the show is watching her lounge on her too-small couch. 

JJ Virgin and Mike Dow to the rescue! They’re sure to waste a ton of potatoes by throwing them on the ground later. They startle here while she’s eating potatoes in an alley. 

She cries again. Man up. You’re untouchable, bitch. 

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I’m not sure why the television doesn’t air this show more often (Read: nightly) because they (the Freaky Eaters) are my favorite of all creeps on the television. Well, these weirdos and the ones on MY STRANGE ADDICTION tie for first. I’m a little nervous about this episode because I’ve been known to drink 6 or 7 Diet Cokes in a day. (That number jumps exponentially higher when I go out to dinner.) I love it. I don’t care that it’s poison. I don’t smoke or do drugs. LAY OFF MY ADDICTION. 

Moving on. One of my favorite parts of this show is the warning beforehand that states that you shouldn’t take this show as medical advice. Um, if you are dumb enough to take this show as medical advice then you should probably do so. Earth won’t miss you. Natural selection and all.

20-year-old Amy drinks 30 sodas a day. That’s over 10,000 cans a year. They have the kind of soda blurred out, but it’s fairly obvious that it’s Coke. Henceforth, I will refer to the drink as Coke. (I am from the South and EVERY drink is referred to as coke. It was painful writing soda earlier.)

Apparently after surgery all she wanted was a Coke. Um, why is that weird? It’s the first thing I wanted a few months ago when I had surgery. OH MY GOD, AM I A FREAKY EATER? (I went through a real heavy maple syrup phase after that episode about the guy who put maple syrup on everything. He was right. IT WAS A DELICIOUS ADDITION TO NEARLY ALL FOODS.)

I wonder if she was molested by Coke? 

The most she had in a day was 50 cans. How does she sleep with all the urinating she must do? Does she pee coke? Even I think 50 is a little excessive. I SAID A LITTLE. 

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I don’t like hamburgers (when I was 13 I went on a summer trip called The East Coast Trip. Every meal was eaten at McDonalds [also, I spent all of my parent’s money on games of chance at amusement parks and fairs along the Eastern seaboard and DOLLYWOOD] and since that fateful trip I haven’t eaten a hamburger.) so I don’t really get this addiction. Maple syrup? Of course! (In fact, the day after I watched that episode and wrote the recap I smothered some pancakes and eggs in maple syrup. They say the television is influential AND THEY ARE RIGHT.)

For the last three decades Victor has eaten a cheeseburger for breakfast, lunch and dinner everyday. RE-READ THAT SENTENCE. 

Everyday. 28 a week. For some reason Victor has 4 meals a day. (He’s lucky.)
“…and his marriage is falling apart.” Er…he’s married? That’s nice for him. (And her, I presume.)

She must really love him. 

My favorite thing about all these freaky eaters is when they sweat and panic-eat. 

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Call me crazy, but I don’t think being really into maple syrup is a bad thing. I love syrup. I think it should have it’s own spot on the food pyramid (it would be right above Cake and right below Italian Food. [My food pyramid is different than the USDA’s. I try to avoid vegetables entirely.])

Anyway, this isn’t about me and my love for syrup. It’s about how I don’t think it’s a problem that someone really likes it. Some poor souls (foreign kids and minorities) have never even gotten to taste syrup and the television is trying to take away this guy’s passion? Come on. 

26-year-old Dave really loves maple syrup. He’s a smart guy. Unlike that idiot from yesterday who wouldn’t eat solid food. (I STILL HATE HER.) I can’t imagine a better topping for almost anything than maple syrup. It’s sugar, liquified. TRY TO FIND SOMETHING BETTER THAN THAT. 

It never even crossed my mind to cover chinese food in syrup. Now it’s crossing my mind. (I just placed a delivery order for some Sweet & Sour chicken. I’ll let you know how it goes.)

Dave puts it on everything. (That’s what she said.) His entire family is diabetic. What a bunk lot in life. I’d hate to be a diabetic. Their candy makes my stomach hurt. (That said, it’s delicious. Right up until you cross the threshold of eating too much. It’s a REAL thin line between happiness and the worst stomach ache of your life. Work on new candy, Wilfred Brimley.)

Anyway, I guess the problem with Dave’s addiction is the ol’ diabetes rearing it’s ugly head. If I had diabetes looming on the horizon I’d probably just eat everything I loved until I dropped dead. I can’t even think of a diagnosis worse than diabetes. Oh God, now I’m panicking that I might eventually get it. (Why am I making this all about me?)

Wait, his name is Daniel. (I’ve been preoccupied with thoughts of my diabetes diagnosis. Please excuse the confusion.)

The show opens with Daniel drenching everything he can get his [sticky] hands on (pizza, lasagna, bananas, spaghetti, mexican food) with syrup. IT LOOKS SO DELICIOUS. Just go with it, Daniel. You love it. 

You know what I don’t love? The weird syrup-eating faces Daniel makes:

He eats two cups of maple syrup a day. NO BIG DEAL.

His first memory of eating maple syrup was when his grandmother (who was like a second mother to him) made him waffles. (If it turns out she molested him I’m going to be pissed off. I’m so sick of everyone blaming their adult problems on their childhood molestation.)

When he was 7 he started putting maple syrup on everything. This is what I like to call the year he became a wizard. 

Daniel runs 3-4 miles a day. Thank God, really. Otherwise he’d probably be obese. 
Here come the experts! (I’m not a big fan of theirs. I hope they don’t take Daniel to the woods.)

I STILL DON’T THINK THIS “ADDICTION” IS A BIG DEAL. 

Daniel eats an entire bottle of maple syrup in 4-5 days. In my entire life I’ve never finished a bottle. (I just throw it out when it gets old and I get a new one.)

“I don’t like anyone telling me about my business. And maple syrup is my business,” Daniel angrily says when the “experts” come and help him. He’s really defensive about his passion. 

Daniel does not want help (BECAUSE HE DOESN’T HAVE A PROBLEM) and is just angry that these two fools are in his house trying to get rid of his syrup. 

The experts attempt to “shock” Daniel with evidence that his maple syrup love is killing him. They show him a storage unit full of sugar. (912 lbs of sugar. 2 years worth of sugar for Daniel. Seems about right.) They threaten him with Diabetes and he doesn’t care. YOU TELL ‘EM, DANIEL. 

Daniel drinks 104 gallons of maple syrup every 2 years. The experts have it on display. And they make him throw it away. This is just wasteful and stupid and NOW I AM ANGRY. People are starving and these people are wasting a [delicious] food source!

Daniel is just as upset as I am. This “shock treatment” is obviously not going to work with someone as smart as Daniel. 

The woman expert takes him to a gym and makes him feel bad about his big sugar-filled stomach. DON’T LISTEN TO HER, DANIEL. 

Turns out his inability to do sit-ups is what makes him see the light (or darkness, depending on how you feel about this issue). 

The lady “expert” sits Daniel down and gives him some healthy alternatives to maple syrup. HEY DUMMY, YELLOW CURRY ISN’T A MAPLE SYRUP ALTERNATIVE. YOU ARE THE DUMBEST WOMAN ALIVE. Carrots dipped in honey mustard? You’ve got to be kidding me. YOU CAN’T POUR CARROTS ALL OVER YOUR EGGS IN THE MORNING. CARROTS DON’T MAKE YOUR HANDS DELICIOUSLY STICKY!

Daniel seems to have found a new addiction in peach salsa. Gross. 

They take him to the Diabetes clinic and threaten him some more. He’s really afraid of dialysis. Man up, bitch. 

The thought of losing a leg seems to scare Daniel straight. I’ve really lost all respect for him. No one is ever going to love you like maple syrup loves you, Daniel. 

I nervously start watching this show while surrounded by [three different] liquids. I HOPE I DON’T SEE MYSELF IN THESE FREAKS. So what if I like to be hydrated. Stop judging me.

The show starts out with a warning that it’s not to be taken as medical advice. If you are stupid enough to be taking medical advice from the television then you are stupid enough to be getting the kind of care the only the television can give you. (This does not include medical advice from Dr. Oz. I like to think of him as my personal physician and not just my television spouting information at me. HE’S A REAL DOCTOR.)

Note: the intro to this show made me hungry. It’s a bunch of fatties shoving french fries and cake into their mouth. I’m going to take a short break so I can walk drive to Vons and get a piece of cake. 

OK, I’m sick. No one warned me that 31-year-old Whitney would be chewing up stuff and spitting it out. She’s afraid of solid foods. When I was a kid I was afraid of any elevator that wasn’t made of glass. (This was most elevators.) That’s not important to the story but it IS important to my formative years. (Once my mom tried to drag me onto one and I put my legs up on both sides of the door and refused to get on. This is known as One of My Finer Moments®)

Anyway, thanks for the warning, TLC. I had when people I love vomit, so imagine how I feel when someone I don’t even know spits something out. I’M NOT HAPPY.

For the past 18 months this moron has only been able to drink 8 ounces of liquid a day. (And no solid food.) I think this broad just has an eating disorder and wants to be different. Women are so stupid. If we’re not afraid of one thing, we’re afraid of another. No wonder no one wants us to hold higher office.

Whitney’s youngest daughter (obviously not the sharpest knife in the drawer/knife holder if you’re fancy), who is maybe 3 (She could be 12. I’m terrible with ages.), has started picking up her mother’s ridiculous habits. Mother of the year, that one. (Whitney and Sarah Linden of The Killing should start a parenting group together.)

Whitney lost 150 lbs in 5 months. Note to self: stop eating solids.

I have to fast forward through the majority of this because this idiot is spitting out so much food. Sometimes in slow motion. 

She eats 1400 calories a WEEK. (Sometimes I eat 1400 calories a SNACK.)

So this broad blames the fact that 18 months ago she choked on a piece of [obviously tough and disgusting] meat at her mother’s house. Her mom was probably just trying to kill her. Once when I was 7, during Mardi Gras, I choked on a Cheese Ball. You don’t see me not eating cheese balls. In fact, I’m enticed by those enorme jugs of them at Target every time I go.

Whitney has seen nine specialists about this. (There are 9 people specializing in people being too stupid to eat? Note to self: get my medical degree and start taking advantage of fools.)

Wait, why is this show called ADDICTED TO LIQUIDS? This lady isn’t addicted to anything other than just being stupid. 

She’s going to another specialist. For some reason the specialist takes her to the woods (sadly, not to kill her.) to show her a table full of food. It’s called “shock therapy.” Sadly (again), it doesn’t involve electrocution. But it DOES involve showing Whitney a coffin. They force her to throw all sorts of stuff she’ll miss if she dies into the coffin. It’s not at all moving. Probably because I’m still confused as to why they’re in the woods.

Next up: FORCING WHITNEY TO EAT SOLID FOODS. This is more like it! They have an EMT standing by in case she chokes. She starts with tomato soup. (I have a great recipe for tomato soup if anyone would like it.) She takes a bite. It’s very dramatic. Sadly (AGAIN!), she doesn’t choke. Yogurt and strawberries are next. I HATE yogurt so I wouldn’t be able to do this one. Whitney, however, successfully (if you consider it a success to slowly take a bite of yogurt whilst crying) swallows that dreck. 

By day 3 Whitney has to start eating little bits of solid food without the specialists taking her to the woods and force feeding her. Her husband tiptoes around her like she’s a [retarded] child. Punch her in the neck, dude. Your wife is a moron.

She’s now complaining that she has stomach pains. Uh, duh, idiot. You haven’t eaten in nearly two years. Your stomach thinks you’re as dumb as I do and it has turned against you.

She and her husband go to a restaurant and she acts the fool trying to eat pasta with meat in it. SHE DOES IT. Success! (Success, again, if you consider chewing something 215 times whilst sweating and crying to be a success.)

This broad’s children now have this all documented on film for all eternity. Good luck living that down in high school, kids.