Posts tagged TEEN MOM 2

I would like for shows to cool it with this 90 minute business. Squeeze everything into an hour, please. 

Jenellle is on her way to rehab in California. She claims to miss Jace. I wish she wasn’t a liar. I’m glad she wore her tie-dye hoodie to rehab. It’s such a good look. If someone could send me one I’d be really appreciative. 

Rehab looks terrible if you’re poor. “I probably have a blunt wrapper in there,” she says to the rehab attendant. Then she tests positive for blunts. NICE WORK!

The next morning she meets with the her primary therapist. She’s still wearing her tie-dye hoodie. She gets a list of rules that sound terrible. Rehab is the worst. You can’t even get high there. She tells the therapist that she needs to address her issues with her mother, because that crazy bitch sends Jenelle into a rage that only results in the smoking of weed. 

Kailyn is supposed to be studying, but she’s more concerned about the fact that she and Jo banged again. Her friend feigns shock, but she doesn’t really seem all that shocked. “Are you gonna tell Jordan,” she asks. Uh, do none of these people realize how TV works? WE CAN ALL SEE YOU. SURPRISE! YOU JUST TOLD HIM!

Chelsea is focusing on her GED or something. She’s taking the writing portion today. Somehow she passed the practice test last week. (She obviously cheated.) After the test she talks to her mom about going to college beauty school. Let’s not jump the gun, Mom, she has to pass the GED. Her mom invites her to the car show. (Her mom wants to go so she try to meet a man. That is a true story.)

Leah is staying at her mom’s until her new house is ready. Let’s back up a little, Leah. It’s a trailer. You don’t have a house. It’s safe to say you’ve probably never actually stepped foot in a house. 

Um, Corey reads IN THE NEWSPAPER (apparently those are still a thing) that Leah filed for divorce. I’ve never been divorced, but I’d venture to guess that’s not usually how it works. Corey calls his dad to tell him the news but on top of his mumbling accent, those hounds from a few weeks ago are fighting in the background so I came away with very little from this conversation.

Seriously, who does Leah’s hair? That person needs to be set on fire. 

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Oh good, this episode starts with my favorite: Jenelle. She’s moping around the house in tie-dye. Always a good look for anyone. I used to wear a tie-dye shirt I made at camp. Even at 12 I knew it was a big mistake. Jenelle seems to wear it without even a hint of regret. Anyway, she’s moping around the house because she isn’t allowed to hang out with anyone she’s ever met because they all smoke weed. She’s laying around with her son. One would think that the court wouldn’t allow her to hang out with him either, considering how many drugs that baby must have come out of the womb addicted to. But luckily no one has brought this to the authority’s attention. 

Jenelle can only talk to Kiefer on the phone. It’s real lonely. She’s also really stressed out because she’s living with a man from the 1890s her mom who talks like she’s in Newsies. They are fighting about pants. “WHERE ARE MY GODDAMN PANTS?” “I PUT YOUR GODDAMN PANTS HERE.” Stuff like that. It’s so weird that Jenelle completely lacks a top lip. 

“Stop talking shit about me. I can hear you through the baby monitor, you fucking idiot,” Jenelle yells at her mother, Barbara. WOULD YOU KISS YOUR MOTHER WITH THAT MOUTH, JENELLE? Wait, I guess you would. Jace is just standing there [in a pile of clothes and filth] watching this happen. I can’t wait for TV in 15 years when he’s on Beyond Scared Straight. Jenelle will probably be the lead bitch in whatever prison they take him to. I CAN’T WAIT FOR THE FUTURE!

Barbara has one huge ass in those khakis. Not a flattering cut.

Jenelle calls Kiefer. She’s just about to die. She decides they need to break up since she’ll go to jail if she sees him. Neither one of them seem to care that much. “I’m going to have to get over it, but it’s going to take years,” he says. I think he’s confused by time. I think he means hours. 

Kailyn and Jo do some talking. They’re totally going to bang again. JO HAS A MUSIC VIDEO COMING OUT! WHAT?!?!? That’s cool, Jo. 

Later that day Kailyn and her gigantic boyfriend Jordan talk about Jo wanting a weekday visitation day at Kailyn’s. Jordan is visibly jealous. He has a bad feeling. But he looks too dumb to be alive so it’s probably nothing.

Chelsea has finally stopped talking about the charity walk she was consumed by last week. Her friend comes over to help her get ready for the GED. I don’t mean study, I mean she helps her read about the idea of the GED. Chelsea’s skin is a mess. 

Leah isn’t sure Corey is going to move with her. He’s just her husband. NO BIG DEAL. Corey comes in and says he heard a rumor about her. That she had sex with Robbie a week before she married Corey. Spoiler alert: IT’S TRUE! She’s a real standup broad. She also has the most beautiful shade of yellow hair I’ve ever seen. 

Corey is really angry. I can’t really tell what either one of them are saying. Call me crazy but I’ve never been so drunk that I’d bang someone else a week before my wedding. (And I’m not even THAT great of a human being.)

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I’m sorry I’ve been so slow to recap this one. It’s been a rough week. But I just read the info on this episode and immediately had to watch!

Jenelle has to move back in with her mom, Barbara, since she and Tori got into a fist fight. The day after she moves back in she also has a court date for her breaking & entering charge. Uh, and also her marijuana one. She and Barbara sit around talking about the fight. This is sure to turn into another fight. Barbara brings up Kiefer (presumably not Sutherland) and, somehow, neither one of them hits the others.

Kailyn is my least favorite. She’s so stupid. I don’t care to see her vacuum. She gets a call from her lawyer saying that Jo is going to have to keep paying child support because the hearing was postponed. She heads to Jo’s to drop off Isaac. They have a riveting conversation about child support. And about how he wants to meet Jordan, Kailyn’s future (probably sooner rather than later) baby-daddy. She agrees and waddles away.

Chelsea is hard at work scrubbing tanning beds at Brown Year Round. She’s been focusing on her GED and fiddling with her weave. Her hair looks like animals live in it. Back at her house, she’s babbling about the March of Dimes walk she wants to do. Is her lip pierced or is that a growth? She should see a doctor. 

Leah and her friend, Kayla, take the girls to the park so they can gossip about Corey. Leah just can’t understand why Corey doesn’t want to move trailers. I don’t understand it either. Has he seen that basement in their current one? I don’t even understand the logistics of a trailer with a basement. Is it a hole in the ground? Like they started building a pool and then just decided to put a trailer over the hole? If someone can explain this please email me. I spent most of last week trying to figure this out. 

Chelsea is obsessed with the March of Dimes walk. I think she’s under the impression that she is the founder of the March of Dimes. Or walking. Her hair looks even worse today. Has she ever seen a brush? Don’t you have to get weaves more than once? Hers looks like she’s trying to make it last FOREVER. 

Jenelle! She’s spending “more time” with Jace. By “more time” I mean “she ate some ice cream in front of him and then left to meet with her lawyer.” Same thing.

She meets with her lawyer. Her court date is today and he’s just hearing the story about the weed being Kiefer’s? What? Shouldn’t she have told him all this when they initially met? Maybe I don’t understand law. (With the amount of Law & Order I watch I’m pretty sure I could be considered a practicing lawyer.)

Kailyn looks like she was born with a soft skull that didn’t form properly in the womb. She and her friend Meagan just do some chillin’ (her word, not mine). They talk about Jo meeting Jordan. Let’s totally talk about this more. I’m not bored at all. Meagan tells Kailyn that she saw on Twitter (the New York Times of our time) that Jo has a new girl. Kailyn is sure it’s a groupie. Uh, he’s not Mick Jagger, ladies. LET’S WORK TOGETHER TO CLASS IT UP. WE CAN DO BETTER THAN THIS. 

Chelsea is STILL talking about the charity walk. Listen, slut, I did a charity walk when I was 6. YOU AREN’T IMPRESSING ANYONE. EVERYONE WITH LEGS HAS WALKED FOR THE CURE FOR SOMETHING OR OTHER IN THEIR DAY. I don’t understand what is happening. 

Chelsea’s tongue ring is super cool. Since it’s 1996. 

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