Posts tagged criminalminds

I prefer being underwater much more than above, so during my baths (3-4 a day, depending on what other things I do during a given day) I like to go underwater a lot. I am 100% sure that one day someone is going to come in and hold my head under water and kill me.

Moral of the story? Too much Criminal Minds watching. 

Other moral of the story? I’m the reason Earth is running out of water.

The end. 

1. If a weirdo talks to me, don’t blow him off. HE IS SCHIZOPHRENIC AND WILL MURDER ME LATER IN THE NIGHT WITH SOMETHING BLUNT.

2. Don’t take a taxi in Los Angeles. The driver will lower me on a platform into a chemical. I will drown. Then he’ll cut a square out of my foot for his files.

3. The IRA WILL find me if I cross them. Under no circumstances should I ever cross the IRA.

4. Women serial killers are not to be feared but commended. They rarely kill other ladies. I am safe in a world of female serial killers.

5. Tyra Collette is a really great psychopath. Don’t molest her. She’ll retaliate.

6. If I make eye contact with someone he will later stalk me, thinking I want it. Then kill me when he finds out I don’t want it. NEVER MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH A MAN.

7. The cable man is a killer. Learn to install my own cable.

8. If a fat girl wants to be my friend don’t trust her. She’ll do one of two things:

   1. Drug me and make me into a living doll
   2. Tie me to a bed, bang my boyfriend, show me the video and then try to kill me. Neither of these options are preferable [to living]. DO NOT befriend a fat girl.

9. If Luke Perry asks me to join a cult I should say no. It’ll end in fire. (Editor’s note: Did you guys know Luke Perry is 45 years old now? Just a [sad] fact.)

10. Stop going to movie theaters. An arsonist will barricade all of the exits and torch the place. Seeing Fast Five on the big screen just isn’t worth it.

(There are more. NONE OF US ARE SAFE.)

1. My gut instinct about Forest Whitaker was correct. He IS creepy. Also, I don’t appreciate the wardrobe people on Criminal Minds: This Spinoff Sucks dressing him like a pimp. Just because he’s black doesn’t mean he’s a pimp. (He could just as easily be a drug dealer.)

2. If they kill Emily Prentiss off on Criminal Minds (it’s been a real dark week, filled with CM) I’ll probably kill myself off. Have you guys seen her? She’s so tough and smart and awesome. I wouldn’t have to sleep with a sword next to my bed if she and her gun moved in.

3. Oprah could have easily been killed by that rage-filled monster 10 year old on today’s episode. (Yeah, I’m watching Oprah. Daily. SCREW YOU!) I think his parents should have given him back/accidentally lost him/left him in Russia. There were a multitude of options. Going on Oprah wasn’t one of them. Now he’ll be much more difficult to dispose of.

4. 30 Rock has been funny-ish to funny for the last 3 weeks. I am not getting my hopes up with this one. It could be a fluke. But it could also mean a comeback to greatness.

5. The League was renewed for season 3 and ALL IS RIGHT IN THE UNIVERSE. 

6. The Chicago Code is so good that it makes me want to cry. So I do cry. A lot. You guys need to stop being morons, turn off the Charlie Sheen and Bachelor, and turn on The Chicago Code. It is television at it’s very finest.

7. Lisa VanderPump, this one’s for you. I love you, now and forever.

8. Dr Oz is FILLED with gems of wisdom. Right, so I started watching that when I went to visit my mom this weekend. I learned so much. I need to start drinking tart cherry juice, investigating my poop (this will not be happening). I also am 100% sure that I have alzheimers, lung cancer and will have an autistic child. (1 in 70 boys are autistic, you guys. ONE IN SEVENTY.) 

9. I’ve learned that I no longer want children. See number 8. Also, see that kid (#3) who tried to kill his mom and was within stabbing distance to Oprah today. No thank you.

10. Oprah brings so much joy to people’s lives when she shouts and throws gifts at them.  [SCREAM AT ME AND THROW THINGS AT ME, HARPS.]

11. I am not looking forward to the Real Housewives of Miami. If I wanted to watch latino/as doing stuff I’d go downstairs and watch my maid fold my laundry. 

*Do you think that the Missing Persons Unit (Without a Trace) of the FBI knows/are friends with the Behavioral Analysis Unit (Criminal Minds) of the FBI? They must run into each other from time to time, no? Play in the same softball league? While I HATE crossover shows I do like thinking [in my head] about scenarios where they might run into one another. 

* Who would you rather (ANYONE from either unit) solve your disappearance or murder?

My answer to number 2 would be Joe Mantegna for two reasons:

1. Joan of Arcadia could probably help. And she has God to go to so that is a real big advantage.

2. He makes good hotdogs if you’re in a bind and can’t get to Chicago. Hot dogs trump most things. I’d hope he’d bring me one when he found my alive body. 

IMPORTANT NOTE: I still want Elliot and Olivia working on my [eventual] rape. (Hey guys, I haven’t forgotten about you two. I just need a little space. You know how it is.)

So 17 seasons into it I’ve discovered Criminal Minds.

Things that have happened because of and since this discovery: 1. I no longer have fingernails. 2. I haven’t slept in days. 3. I’m afraid of the dark. 4. I am 100% sure that everyone is a murderer and I will be killed in a grisly crime any day now. 5. I hope the FBI considers my murder important enough to investigate. They ALWAYS find the killer. 6. Joan of Arcadia’s dad is tough. He also doesn’t look like a Dave.

Let me just say that I’ve run out of Law & Order (Both SVU and Criminal Intent [At least the CI’s with Bobby and Dead Weight. The other ones I don’t care for. If I wanted to see Jeff Goldblum I’d go to the gym.]) so I’ve taken to watching other, lesser, procedural cop/rape/murder/misc. crime shows. I don’t know the characters and, frankly, they just make me miss Bobby, Dead Weight, Olivia and Elliot more. (And, of course, Alex Cabot. But I just miss her all the time.)

Anyway, Criminal Minds. Joan [of Arcadia’s] dad is the lead so I keep waiting for Joan Osbourne to start singing. She hasn’t yet. Also Darma’s husband, Greg, is on this show. I really hated Darma and Greg.

What I’ve learned from this one episode:

1. African religions are TERRIBLE. They sacrifice cats and dogs. I can watch 115 humans get killed [in real life] but don’t even mention that an animal has been harmed [on television] if you want to me enjoy your show.

2. African religions sure do a lot of ugly chanting. If I wanted to see this on TV I would have been watching BET by now. (That’s they’re programming, right?)

3. Miami is terrible. I was already mostly aware of this fact but this episode just reiterated it. I’d rather lose a foot than go to Miami.

4. If I am ever in Miami (god forbid!) I learned not to let anyone photograph me. I’ll just come away looking awfully sweaty. It’s not a look I’m usually going for.

5. Joan [of Arcadia] isn’t really his daughter. She hasn’t been seen once in this episode.

6. Are they FBI? I haven’t been paying much attention (what with all the chanting and sweating) but I figure they must be FBI if they’re traveling about via private plane.

7. I’m probably going to look into joining the FBI. If there is anything I hate more than sweating it’s flying commercial.

8. There aren’t enough rapes on this show. (read: not a single rape has occurred in this episode.)