Posts tagged dancemoms

It’s that time of the week again! Watching a fat broad yell at some kids! 

I hope Jill wears another cowboy hat this week. 

Did Brooke get a perm? What’s wrong with her hair?

Anyway, Fatty McDance does a little of her usual berating the girls about their last performance. Then she moves on to talk about this weekend’s show. It’s in Pittsburgh! Their home turf! There is a lot of pressure. So Fatty has decided to do a routine involving guns. Fingers crossed they’re real and someone (Melissa!) gets shot!

Pyramid time. Mackenzie is back on the bottom. Her time up top was certainly short lived. Nia, Kendall and Maddie round out the bottom. Maddie is shocked. SHE IS SHOCKED. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Melissa is pissed. 

The middle row consists of Chloe and Permy Brooke. Paige is on the top! Everyone (aside from Maddie and Melissa) are so excited for her! 

Everyone is performing this week except for Mackenzie. Kendall has been kicked out of the trio. Her old lady face shows signs of anger and sadness. 

The moms head up to drink or sit in the OBSERVATION MEZZANINE why the girls are taught PRIVATE EYES, their routine for the week. 

Holly and Jill are fighting about trios. Holly is mad Nia has never been in on. Jill is mad that Kendall was taken out of the one she was in. She’s also mad that Holly is mad. I am mad that Jill is mad that Holly is mad, etc. 

Jill has a new present for Fatty McD. A bench dedicated to her. Good luck with that, Jill. Fatty McDance is going to crush the life out of a bench. 

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I got a lot of negative comments about last week’s episode and how I shouldn’t recap it if I don’t like it. (And there were even more weirdos defending Long Island. I had no idea how many Long Island enthusiasts read this blog. I am sorry for offending you. I was talking about the Lindsay Lohan Long Island, not the Victoria Grayson Long Island. That latter is first rate. )

Anyway, it’s not that I hate this season… I mean, I think other people will agree that some of the Dance Moms magic is missing from this season. I don’t think I’m crazy for pointing that out. GIVE VIVI AND HER LASERS MORE SCREEN TIME, LIFETIME. 

Moving on…

In the opening credits Fatty McDance looks like she’s wearing the cape you wear when you’re getting your haircut. 

This week they’re attending a competition in Secaucus, New Jersey. I’d say it was a terrible place, but everyone will go crazy and it’ll cause a riot on the internet. (I did do a search for “Is Secaucus terrible?” and while Google wouldn’t give me a definitive answer, I did learn that the Courtyard By Marriot there is universally panned. 

Kendall is on the bottom of the pyramid. Jill goes crazy. Nia, Brooke and Paige round out the bottom. Maddie and Chloe are still in the middle. And somehow Mackenzie lands on the top. I don’t think she competes against anyone in the competitions. There is no way she could be coming in first if their are other dancers in her group. 

This week the moms have to design and make original costumes. Holly is probably going to call this task racist. Jill says she’s just going to use an old costume. All the other bitches really attack her for this. YOU CANNOT WEAR AN OLD COSTUME. “IT IS RACIST TO WEAR AN OLD COSTUME,” SAYS HOLLY. 

The OBSERVATION MEZZANINE IS AFLUTTER WITH ANGER. Jill finds out that Fatty McDance owns the girls for a year upon entry to her studio. (Uh, how does she not know this?) She had to sign something when she signed her little stripper up for dance but she’s just now realizing this? I guess reading isn’t her thing.

Elsewhere, Cathy Nesbitt is planning to audition new [terrible] dancers for her studio. I hope none of them take away from Vivi’s laser eyes. 

Back at Fatty’s, Kendall is rehearsing for her solo. It looks like what I’d look like if I were rehearsing for my solo. Her delusional mother, Jill, is sure she deserves to be at the top. IS SHE BLIND? Her kid can’t dance. And she looks like she was Elisabeth Shue’s stand-in in the motion picture, ‘Leaving Las Vegas.’

Guess who is at Cathy Nesbitt’s audition?!? PEYTON, that’s who. That big, tall monster with that crazy bastard of a mom, Leslie. I am really looking forward to Leslie and Cathy Nesbitt going head to head. “I really want to make my mom happy,” Peyton says of dancing. Um, you’re like 15. WHAT MOLESTED THESE GIRLS SO BADLY THAT MADE THEM SUCH MINDLESS ZOMBIES?

Cathy Nesbitt invites Peyton to dance with the Candy Apples. Peyton isn’t sure. You know, because it’s a 7 hour drive from her house. Leslie goes crazy and tells Cathy Nesbitt how to teach and they all call it a day. What a waste of gas getting there for that.

Holly is so pissed she has to make Nia’s costume. It’s so racist to assume a black lady can sew and make things. SHE’S NOT A SLAVE. SHE’LL NEVER BE A SLAVE. DON’T TRY TO MAKE HER A SLAVE!

Fatty McD heads up to the OBSERVATION MEZZANINE to check out what the mom’s have done with the costumes they’re making. Christi has a bra she might dye or something. SHE’LL DEAL WITH IT LATER, ABBY.

Fatty gets the worst call of her life. Her entire family has died. Dance Explosion, this week’s competition, has been canceled. But you’d think her entire family had been killed in an explosion. No one knows what to do. Uh, take a week off? Can’t they do these dances in 2 weeks? Why is this a big deal? I don’t understand what’s happening. Fatty McDance spends the rest of the day looking for a new competition. Luckily she finds one in Texas. Texas? Melissa is going to have to bang a hell of a lot of orthodontists to pay for these plane tickets to Texas. 

They arrive in Texas to a competition that takes place in a gymnasium. Everyone is appalled! I WILL NOT DANCE ON WOOD FLOORS, THEY SAY. (But then they all dance on wood floors.)

Brooke’s solo is first. Thank God she spends the whole time (per usual) with her legs over her head, smiling. I wish she’d go back to cheering. 

Mackenzie is a slippery mess. I AM SO NERVOUS FOR HER. (I held my breath throughout her entire dance.)

Everyone fights with Jill about the fact that she didn’t make Kendall’s costume. Jill announces she’s going to pack her bags and go home. Then she throws some shoes and storms out. (I really hope she doesn’t come back.)

Next up on the nervous breakdown train: Nia. She’s injured and still dancing. Everyone freaks her out about it so she has a panic attack right before her solo. She still dances. I AM HOLDING MY BREATH AGAIN. (What is wrong with me?) 

For some reason Jill and Kendall are back. Goddamnit. Fatty tells Jill to put Kendall in the white booty shorts and let her dance. If I had a dime for every time someone told me to do that I’d have three dimes.

Up next, Chloe. She has a full blown six-pack. She dances beautifully even on that gymnasium floor.

Maddie runs out on stage gym like something is wrong with her. She’s dressed like her mom a cheap slut.  I do not enjoy her dance. Why does she have curly sideburns? She looks Hasidic. THEN SHE FALLS. 

A man carries Maddie off the gym floor. It takes Melissa like 2 minutes to get up and run to her. MOTHER OF THE YEAR. (She’ll probably bang the guy that carried Maddie off.)

The show must go on. Paige is up. She does some creepy acrobatics mixed with some good dancing. I hate when they shake their hips and blow kisses. 

I am so glad I don’t know any molesters gentlemen who judge dance competitions. 

Paige wins! Paige wins! She’s less excited about the actual win and more excited about proving Fatty Lee Miller wrong. 

Next week on DANCE MOMS: Jill yells. Then she yells some more. Then she continues yelling. Then she catches on fire. 

I miss the days when this show didn’t suck and wasn’t so fake. I also have to watch this nonsense On Demand because Comcast is the worst and half the time it just records an hour of blackness. (Sometimes an hour of blackness is better than the show I actually intended to record.) Anyway, I miss the days when On Demand meant that I didn’t have to watch commercials. Now they disable to fast-forward button on most of the On Demand shows so I have to watch television like a homeless person. 

Anyway, moving on to the show I’m not the least bit excited to watch anymore…

Brooke invites Fatty McDance over to talk about coming back to dance. “Cheerleading just wasn’t my thing,” she says. I am pretty sure nothing is her thing. 

They have a real heart-to-heart about how Brooke really let everyone down. “Brooke broke my heart,” she says. It’s the creepiest thing I’ve ever heard. 

Then she says Brooke is born to dance. I think she meant that Brooke was born to lay on her neck and gyrate across a stage. I didn’t know that was actually dancing.

Kendall, the 45-year-old cocktail waitress dressed up as a little girl dancer, is finally off probation. She gets a jacket. Jill is crazed when she finds out the news. You’d think she won the lottery and could finally afford a yellow Corvette.

They’re headed to the Starbound Competition in Long Island. These girls are real world travelers. They’ve seen every fourth rate city in the ol’ US of A. 

The pyramid! Nia is on the bottom. Because she’s black. Because she sucks. Because Holly pulled her from the lead in the routine and Fatty likes to punish the mothers by punishing the kids. Paige, Kendall and Mackenzie are on the bottom. Maddie is still in the middle. That bitch is pissed. Fatty McDance is trying to keep her on her toes. Chloe is also in the middle. Brooke is on top! Which makes no sense. Peyton has a nervous breakdown because she’s not on top. She cries like she’s 6. Man up, loser. You’re a giant and you make Vivi look normal. Then Peyton’s mom goes insane. Sadly she doesn’t kill anyone. She and Kelly go at it. Peyton stares everyone down with her demon eyes. She pulls Peyton out of the room and they quit the Abby Lee Miller Dance Studio. Uh, good riddance, I guess. 

This week’s group routine is about cheerleaders. I guess that’s irony or something. 

Up in the OBSERVATION MEZZANINE the mother’s fight. Kelly is nervous because Fatty McD said Brooke HAS to win this week. Jill is on the attack. She attacks Christi and Kelly. Then they fight about the losing trio team last week. Shut up. Go drink your lunch. 

Even with all these yapping whores I still hate Holly the most. Even when she doesn’t say anything. I can just see her racism wheels turning. 

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I got a comment on my last DANCE MOMS post from someone stating that Mackenzie read my post and asked what it meant. It also went on to grammatically incorrectly berate me. Note: I will not take comments seriously when the writer can’t differentiate between your and you’re. (Spoiler alert: they’re two different words!) I have a lot to say to that person (Hi Melissa!). Mostly notably: UH, SHE’S 6. WHY IS SHE READING THE INTERNET? (The second thing I’d say to her is: you’re the one who pushes her to dance and put her on TV, please don’t blame me or anyone else when she turns up coked up behind a truck stop turning cheap tricks inside the cab of a truck.)

Moving on to this week’s episode. 

The Fatty McDance Dance Studio looks like it’s in the wilderness. Pittsburgh looks great! 

This episode begins as they all do. With the pyramid unveiling. CHANGE IT UP, DANCE MOMS. Paige, Nia and Kendall are on the bottom. Mackenzie turns up on the middle row. I think she only won last week’s competition because everyone else competing died or something. Rounding out the middle is Maddie. WHAT? Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Chloe is on the top. Good for you, Chloe! I wonder who Melissa is going to have to bang this week to get Maddie back on top.

This week they are attending Hollywood Vibe, which is made up of creeps from Los Angeles looking for the “next big thing.” Um, it’s dancing, not movie acting. I doubt anyone is going to get famous being J Lo’s back up dancer in a video. (Unless J. Lo bangs them-then it’s a whole different ballgame.) 

Maddie, Chloe and Kendall will all be performing in a trio dance this weekend at Hollywood Vibe. Paige is pissed. She and Kelly both know Fatty McD is doing this because she’s mad at Kelly. 

The group number this week is about bullying. Holly and I finally agree on something: it’s ironic that Fatty is doing a bully-themed dance when all she does is bully kids 40 years younger and 400 lbs smaller than her. Guess who gets to play the bully? NIA! Holly is, of course, angry. Nia is super excited though. Shut up, Holly.

Since Brooke quit dancing Peyton is brought in to the group. She’s the one whose mom went nuts in the season premiere. Kendall’s mom, Jill, is leery of Peyton. She thinks she’s coming in to steal Kendall’s spot in the group dance.

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Dance Moms! It’s that time of the week again! Questions for the lovely readers of this blog: what do you think of this season of Dance Moms? Are you enjoying it as much? Is something missing? 

I feel like some of that magic from last season is gone. I can’t quite explain it, but some of the joy of watching is gone for me this season. 

Moving on….this week the little broads are headed to New Jersey for their competition. Let’s go over the pyramid first. Nia is at the bottom because she’s an idiot and she screwed up the choreography last week. YOU HAVE ONE JOB TO DO, NIA, AND THAT IS TO DANCE. GET IT RIGHT! The bottom is rounded out by Kendall, that new kid who looks like a haggard chain smoking single mother. She started four counts ahead of everyone else. OH NO SHE DI’INT! (PS I just had to Google how to say/spell that because I’m white and I’ve never said it. This will mark both the first and last time I say it.) Paige and Mackenzie are also on the bottom. Mackenzie should be in the gutter. She shouldn’t even be on this pyramid. But this week she has a solo. Good God.

Maddie isn’t on top! She’s in the middle. She has some rehearsed, “I’m glad I’m not on a top. I want someone else to know what it feels like.” Uh, sure you do. I WISH YOU WEREN’T A LIAR. Also in the middle: Chloe.

Somehow Brooke is on the top. HOLD THE PHONE. What just happened? She lays on the floor and spins around on her neck. What? WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE? Who’d she have to bang to get to the top?

Mackenzie, Maddie and Chloe are all doing solos this week. Maddie and Chloe will be going head to head in the same age group. Christi is obviously nervous about this. 

The group routine is called BORN TO DANCE and it’s about a child being born. I’m already grossed out and Brooke hasn’t even started gyrating on her own neck yet. 

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I’ve gotten a few comments about how I need to layoff Fatty McDance’s weight. Uh, until she lays of the Quarter Pounders I think you should probably go read another blog. 

The episode starts off per usual- with Fatty McDance berating the girls for their performance in North Carolina. Please note that McDance is wearing a shirt with a bedazzled butterfly on it. It’s beautiful.

Fatty McD announces the girls are performing in Ohio this week. You know who lives there? CATHY NESBITT and her Candy Apple dancers. Everyone is real excited to beat those idiots. 

Kendall is on the bottom of the pyramid, along with ol’ dead weight McKenzie, Brooke and Paige. Paige isn’t even there because of her dancing, but because Abby had to tell her to sit down 32 times on the bus. That seems like a good reason. Oh, PS, who did McKenzie have to bang to get into this troupe? She’s the worst. 

Nia and Chloe are in the middle, but of course Maddie is on the top.

The girls are doing a dance called Bad Apples. It’s a little 40s, a little Katy Perry and a has a little bit of novelty. THAT SOUNDS JUST GREAT. 

Brooke has a solo. So there is obviously a creepy put-your-legs-over-your-head aspect of the routine. I HATE WHEN SHE “DANCES.”

The moms head up to the OBSERVATION MEZZANINE to discuss the pyramid. Jill is really pissed about this. Uh, she’s new, stupid. Jill says Nia kind of sucks and should be bumped down to the bottom of the pyramid. Holly, of course, assumes she’s racist. 

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Dance Moms is back for season two and I’m more excited than I’ve ever been able anything. I’m not even kidding. I hope Cathy Nesbitt is back. (I sing a song about her. I AM NOT EVEN KIDDING ABOUT THAT EITHER.)

Just watching the “last season on Dance Moms” clips has me nearly out of my seat (but not actually out of my seat because I’m far too lazy for that) with excitement.

I’m somewhat shocked that no one had the wherewithal to fix Maddie’s teeth during their hiatus. She had months to have plastic surgery. MONTHS.

The show opens with my beloved Fatty McDance judging Holly for having a job. She takes it out on Nia. PS Nia is a mess. She looks like a cheap prostitute who just saved up for braces.

I love shots of Mackenzie. She has this look of fear mixed with utter brain-dead-ness that I love in a human.

“Everyone’s replaceable,” McDance says. Tell me about it, Fatty. EVERYONE IS.

Apparently Brooke and Paige took a bit of a vacation from dancing. Nice work, slackers. That was your mom’s idea wasn’t it? WASN’T IT?

Poor Chloe is never going to be on the top of the pyramid. Christi is obviously really angry about this. (Note: I went to the Dance Moms site to look up Christi’s name because I’m equally as brain-dead as Mackenzie and can’t remember anything) and there is a picture of Fatty McDance in a silver velour sweatsuit/soft clothes ensemble.) 

That bitch Maddie is on the top again. I mean she does dance like a dream and she DID win the national championship.

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Fatty McDance hosts this clip show. I usually hate a clip show and don’t even bother to watch, but I have to watch this one. I hope to see extra Vivi scenes and at least 12 of Nia’s death drops. 

What is up with Fatty’s hair and make-up? Did I do it? 

She counts down the 15 most outrageous moments. How could they pick just 15? 

The 15th most outrageous moment: that time Chloe danced her little heart out with her headpiece blocking her entire face. Christi was off getting drunk on grain alcohol and didn’t have time to sew her headpiece on. Christi and Fatty McDance proceeded to scream at each other in front of everyone at the show. It ends with the classic: “Remember I pay your bills. You work for me.” Christi’s famous line that really sets Fatty McDance off. 

Number 14: When Kelly hires outside choreographers to work with Paige. Paige has a meltdown because she upsets Miss Abby. Hey Kelly, you aren’t in charge here. DON’T YOU DOUBT FATTY MCDANCE’S CHOREOGRAPHY. This is the part where Fatty McDance tells the audience that Brooke and Paige are too dumb and slow to pick up on routines as quickly as Maddie. Kelly has a breakdown before solos at this competition. 

Number 13: The moms listen to Cathy Nesbitt’s amazing idea to go and get Botox. I barely knew Cathy at the time, but knowing her like I know her now I’m surprised she didn’t trick them into walking into a death chamber. She’s stolen a child before, I wouldn’t put it past her to kill the competition. Post-Botox Kelly, Christi and Cathy go drink some grain alcohol and Cathy criticizes their looks. Specifically Christi’s nose. (At least Christi didn’t steal her daughter.)

GIVE CATHY NESBITT HER OWN SHOW. Maybe she can have a dance show slash show that teaches Americans how to properly steal children from their mother countries and pass it off as “legal adoptions.” I don’t know. I have some other ideas, but I DON’T WANT ANYONE STEALING THEM.

Number 12: That time Fatty McDance announced that the moms would be performing a dance in the week’s competition. Cathy Nesbitt is picked to be the choreographer. She’s a vision when she dances. The moms embarrass me when they dance and I’m not even one of their daughters. (Thank God.) During the “competition” Cathy takes over and does a solo. She does that old-timey dance where broads shake their boobs and jiggle their arms. (What’s that dance called?)  It’s not at all awkward to watch the other moms stand towards the back of the stage, mouths agape. 

Where does Fatty McDance get her capes? 

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My heart is broken this week. What with the season finales of both TEEN MOM and DANCE MOMS, I don’t really know how I’m going to go on living. (I’m serious. [You think I’m kidding. I’M NOT.])

The troupe arrives in Hollywood to audition for a music video. There’s no pyramid this week. It’s just a straight line. WHAT THE HELL IS THIS CRAP? I depend on this pyramid every week. How are these girls going to know who is the best? (I mean, it’s obviously Maddie.)

The girls are so excited about the possibility of being in a music video. I AM SO EXCITED TOO! Fatty McDance doesn’t know if they’ll all be chosen, if none of them will be chosen or if only a few will be. “It’s every man for himself,” she tells the 7-year-olds. That’s a good motto to teach.

Fatty McDance is teaching the girls a great new hip hop routine. While they’re rehearsing the mom’s head outside. They don’t drink grain alcohol, but they do gossip. WHY IS HOLLY SO OBSESSED WITH TELLING US SHE’S A TEACHER? It’s like she thinks she’s the first black broad ever to hold such a high position. Uh, you aren’t. 

The moms all pretend that they’d help each other out if they need it. Sure, you would. Melissa isn’t worried that Maddie isn’t going to nail this audition because she’s the best dancer in the studio. But Maddie feels otherwise. She’s not good at hip hop, she says. Get in line, Maddie. NEITHER AM I.

The girls head to the International Dance Studio. MSA is holding the audition. I don’t know what that means either. Apparently it’s important. They’re looking for the next generation of stars or something. (Question: how many dancers [other than J Lo] become stars? Answer: J Lo)

The girls learn the choreography in a giant group of strangers. Mackenzie has a breakdown. She’s like 2-years-old and smaller than anyone there, but she’s in the back. Of course she can’t learn the routine. She can’t see the instructor. Poor bastard.

Brooke claims, “I pulled off all my tricks.” HER TRICKS ARE ONLY TRICKS IF SHE’S PERFORMING FOR A SEXUAL PREDATOR. They are SO CREEPY. She just bends her legs around her body. COOL IT, CREEP. 

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Last week was a terrible week. What with DANCE MOMS on hiatus and everything. WHY DID THAT HAPPEN? 

The girls are in Lake Tahoe for the dance nationals. It all comes down to this week. I’M SO EXCITED AND NERVOUS. 

The girls are learning a new group routine. Bad news, there are props. That never turns out well. Abby does her usual and berates them for the past week’s errors. THEY NEED TO PROVE THEY ARE THE CHAMPIONS SHE HAS TRAINED. Step up, bitches. 

Paige, Mackenzie, and Nia are in the bottom. Brooke and Chloe are on the second level and surprise, surprise Maddie is on the top. Maddie is also doing a solo and a duet with Chloe. Chloe also gets a solo. Paige and Brooke (the sisters) will be doing a duet. They better not fight like sisters. 

The piece this week is called THIS IS MY BEAUTY. It’s about being beautiful on the inside. Like that’s real. No one buys that crap. IT’S HOW YOU LOOK ON THE OUTSIDE. They are using mirrors as props. I hope no one breaks one and cuts Fatty McDance.

The moms go outside and don’t drink grain alcohol. Melissa announces she and her honey (her word, certainly not mine) are going on vacation. She’s REAL excited like they’re going to Paris or something. They’re just going to Florida. BIG DEAL. 

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Hey, Lifetime, give CATHY NESBITT and Vivi their own show. I need that. I REALLY NEED THAT. 

This episode starts off with Fatty McDance berating the girls for the past weekend’s performance. (Note: I haven’t even started this episode. I’m just guessing that’s how it starts because that’s how it ALWAYS starts.)

The troupe is in Hollywood for the I Hollywood National Finals. I don’t know what that means grammatically. I Hollywood? What? The girls will be competing against a small group of REAL competitors. Kids we’ve seen in movies. Yeah, I’m sure. Also the judges will be pedophiles people who choreograph TV shows and movies. You know, all those TV shows with dance numbers. 

Melissa isn’t at the event to support Maddie. Fatty McDance makes it clear that Melissa doesn’t love Maddie. She loves slutting around with her boyfriend. 

Paige might be kicked out of the solo because of the fight between Kelly and Fatty McDance from last week. And because Kelly wants Paige to have a solo as an independent. FATTY WILL HAVE NONE OF THAT. Fatty really loves to hold stuff over the mother’s heads. Get a life, Fats Domino. 

All the moms gossip about Melissa banging her boyfriend for money to pay the dance bills. You guys, you’re on TV. She can hear you. We all can. 

Kelly is searching for alternate choreographers so her girls can have solos. Fatty McDance is going to kill her [and then eat her] for doing this. 

Fatty has a really great (depending on who you ask) surprise for the girls. Some broad (maybe?) named Shangela (also called Laquifa) appears in the room. Everyone screams in excitement. I’m not sure what is happening. Is Shagela/Laquifa something I’m supposed to know?

“Nia is a black diva,” Fatty Lee Miller says. Well, she’s black. I don’t know if she’s anything else. 

Turns out Laquifa is a dude. Do kids know what trannies are at this age? They seem to love her. (Maybe this is how we get rid of homophobia? [No? OK.])

Laquifa really focuses on Nia. Holly is thrilled about that but still screaming about racism. Cool it, Rosa Parks.

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The gang is in Vegas for the Thunderstruck competition. Your guess as to what that is is as good as any. 

Fatty McDance does the usual and berates them for the past weekend of not placing as a group. 

Vivi isn’t there so this happens:

Mackenzie (Maddie’s sister) in the the bottom. She’s so cute and all she wants to do is swim. Broad hates dancing. 

Brooke and Nia are in the middle. Nia is getting another solo this week. Brooke’s dream (aside from being a slutty cheerleader) is to be a Cirque member. Chloe is at the top! For the first time ever. Maddie isn’t getting a solo this week. WHAT? Who is going to make me cry with their dancing tonight? CHLOE BETTER STEP IT UP. 

Christi, Chloe’s mom, claims that her daughter is at the top of the pyramid this week because Fatty McDance is setting her up to fail. That bitch is a real conspiracy theorist. 

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IT’S MY FAVORITE DAY OF THE WEEK: DANCEDAY!

This week starts off with the troupe in Orlando at Star Power. Cathy and Vivi-Anne are nowhere to be found. Chloe isn’t doing a solo this week. Why is Fatty McDance such a bitch to Chloe? She also puts her on the bottom of the ol’ pyramid. Nia, the token black girl, is also on the bottom per usual. While Fatty McDance is putting up the pyramid she also blames each mother for something or other. Michelle Obama Holly is still angry about the afro from last week. Cool it, First Black, First Lady™.

Fatty Lee Miller announces that a boy will be in this week’s routine. His name is Brandon and he’s super gay but no one seems to notice that. He and Brooke had a thing a few years ago but according to her “it never went anywhere.” Uh, because a couple of years ago you were 9. Not much goes anywhere at that age.

“He’s very masculine on stage, which all of my boys are. I pride myself on that,” Abby creepily says of Brandon. So not only is she fat, but she’s also a pedophile?

The girls rehearse their routine while all the mother’s sit around bashing Fatty McDance, each other and anyone else they can think of to bash.

Brooke and Brandon are both acting really weird. Fatty Lee Miller berates them for their lack of chemistry. Then she tries to eat one of them. Then she makes them kind of have sex on stage. It’s pretty sketchy.

McDance calls their mothers downstairs and tells them that their kids need to go on a date together.

Next up, Fatty McDance rehearses Nia and she forces Holly to come down and watch it. Luckily for me it’s vaguely racist again. It’s pretty awesome.

Cathy and Vivi are still nowhere to be found. Until Cathy is found. Fatty McDance gets Cathy on the phone and beckons her down to her hotel room. She announces she’s pulling Vivi’s solo. SAY IT AIN’T SO.

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The show begins with Abby recapping [to the girls, who were there] the past weekend’s dance competition where they blew everyone else out of the water. She quickly moves on to this week’s competition. It’s called STAR POWER and it’s at the Mohegan Sun Casino in Connecticut. The moms + a casino + alcohol= my dream. They’re be learning a new routine and getting new costumes. The mom’s look thrilled. 

Cut to the rehearsal. Fatty McDance slaps Maddie’s arm over and over and grabs the black one’s ass. All the while this is going on, the mom’s are up in the OBSERVATION MEZZANINE still fighting about the costume debacle from last weekend. Everyone hates Kathy. Rightly so.

I think Fatty McDance wants to have sex with Maddie. She goes on and on about how breathtaking she is and how she’s going to be dressed as an angel. There’s some footage of her rehearsing and she’s a vision. 

“Nia is African American,” Fatty McDance tells us of Nia. Is she? I HAD NO IDEA. Fatty teaches her some urban dance. You know, because she’s black. She finally has a solo! Her mom will be so proud. If it weren’t so racist. 

Nia looks like she’s a 32-year-old cocktail waitress. 

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Wednesday is now my favorite day. 

Christi has Fatty Lee Miller meet her at the Donut Connection to discuss the showdown they had last week. Christi thinks Fatty McDance owes her an apology, but Fatty McDance is only there to get Christi to sign a document before she’s allowed to enter the studio again. Christi must agree to abide by all sorts of laws whilst in the studio. 

Abby heads to work and chastises the girls for their poor performances last weekend. WILL THEY EVER BE ENOUGH?!?

Maddie is, ONCE AGAIN, on top of the pyramid. That isn’t meant to sound sexual. The black girl is finally out of the bottom. Is it more racist that I call her the black girl or that Fatty McDance always has her at the bottom of the pyramid?

This week a Broadway talent agent will be coming to the showcase. The other twist is that the mother’s will also be performing in the showcase. WHY? Baby-Thief-Cathy will be choreographing this disaster. 

They show some rehearsal for SUGAR DADDIES. That’s not creepy at all. They use “big, rectangular props.” Again, not creepy at all. 

All the mom’s are talking about Christi’s outbreak. She apologizes claiming it wasn’t her finest moment. I doubt it was her least-finest moment either. 

The Mom’s Dancing® dance will be a jazz routine. I am so uncomfortable watching this. Cathy is Hitler-lite. She’s really upset that Christi arrives late. She gives her the same stink eye my cat gives me when I wake her from a slumber by playing with her foot. 

I NEVER WANT TO SEE MOMS DANCE.

Fatty McDance is even bigger this week than the last. But so am I so who am I to judge? 

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