Posts tagged droz

There’s a 700 lb. broad on Dr. Oz today.

She’s married.

(That is all.)

1. My gut instinct about Forest Whitaker was correct. He IS creepy. Also, I don’t appreciate the wardrobe people on Criminal Minds: This Spinoff Sucks dressing him like a pimp. Just because he’s black doesn’t mean he’s a pimp. (He could just as easily be a drug dealer.)

2. If they kill Emily Prentiss off on Criminal Minds (it’s been a real dark week, filled with CM) I’ll probably kill myself off. Have you guys seen her? She’s so tough and smart and awesome. I wouldn’t have to sleep with a sword next to my bed if she and her gun moved in.

3. Oprah could have easily been killed by that rage-filled monster 10 year old on today’s episode. (Yeah, I’m watching Oprah. Daily. SCREW YOU!) I think his parents should have given him back/accidentally lost him/left him in Russia. There were a multitude of options. Going on Oprah wasn’t one of them. Now he’ll be much more difficult to dispose of.

4. 30 Rock has been funny-ish to funny for the last 3 weeks. I am not getting my hopes up with this one. It could be a fluke. But it could also mean a comeback to greatness.

5. The League was renewed for season 3 and ALL IS RIGHT IN THE UNIVERSE. 

6. The Chicago Code is so good that it makes me want to cry. So I do cry. A lot. You guys need to stop being morons, turn off the Charlie Sheen and Bachelor, and turn on The Chicago Code. It is television at it’s very finest.

7. Lisa VanderPump, this one’s for you. I love you, now and forever.

8. Dr Oz is FILLED with gems of wisdom. Right, so I started watching that when I went to visit my mom this weekend. I learned so much. I need to start drinking tart cherry juice, investigating my poop (this will not be happening). I also am 100% sure that I have alzheimers, lung cancer and will have an autistic child. (1 in 70 boys are autistic, you guys. ONE IN SEVENTY.) 

9. I’ve learned that I no longer want children. See number 8. Also, see that kid (#3) who tried to kill his mom and was within stabbing distance to Oprah today. No thank you.

10. Oprah brings so much joy to people’s lives when she shouts and throws gifts at them.  [SCREAM AT ME AND THROW THINGS AT ME, HARPS.]

11. I am not looking forward to the Real Housewives of Miami. If I wanted to watch latino/as doing stuff I’d go downstairs and watch my maid fold my laundry. 

First things first, I’m in the Just Tires waiting room in the chair furthest from the TV and it’s at a low volume so I can barely hear it. What I can hear is the Just Tires employee who sounds EXACTLY like Morgan Freeman. So much so that I investigated him for freckles to make sure it wasn’t Morg researching a role. 

I’d love to see a talkie about a tire store. 

So for a week my mom has been telling me to TiVo Dr. Oz because the audience members are insane and I’d have a lot to work with. Also I think she uses Dr. Oz as her own doctor via the television. She always calls me with new medical discoveries she’s made. The first episode I recorded was about Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. And the one that is currently on is about Sheryl Crow’s battle with breast cancer. Thanks for the suggestion, Mom. This show is real depressing.

Sheryl (I can call her that because I met her once on a street corner in New York) looks like she’s dressed for a luau at The Big Island Hilton. Also her hair doesn’t look great. I feel bad saying anything negative because she’s sitting here going on and on (and on and on. ENOUGH.) about her horrific battle with cancer. 

Dr. Oz looks like the kind of monster Rob Lowe has also turned into. There’s a fine line between just enough plastic surgery and enough to make you look like the undead. Oz has crossed that line. 

I wonder if his real name is Dr. Oz.

Tomorrow’s episode of Dr. Oz has Oprah as a guest. I certainly wish I would have had a flat tire tomorrow rather than today. It looks like Oprah couldn’t be bothered to come into Oz’s studio and she does the interview via satellite. What a lazy bitch Harpo is. Just kidding, Oprah, I hope you like my book. I could really use the cash that comes with the HARPO SEAL OF APPROVAL®. I love you, Oprah. 

Sheryl Crow left. I’m done with this. The reason I don’t read People Magazine is because they mix celebrity stories with real people stories. If I cared about real people I’d have friends.